by Ali Parker
“Never said I wasn’t amped. I just still don’t get why we have to keep aiming to sell out bigger and bigger venues. Did you hear that one stadium Alicia and her team are looking at can seat over eighty thousand people? Then there’s one in Spain that can take even more than that. That’s insane.”
Dom called me earlier with the news. I’d been half convinced he was fucking with me until he’d started reading me some e-mails we’d been copied into that I’d ignored. I really had to start paying attention to this shit. If I had been, maybe I could’ve vetoed some of those venues.
I wasn’t nervous or afraid to play crowds that size. Okay, I was maybe a little nervous, but that wasn’t what my hesitation was about. Once we’d played to 80,000 or more people in one city, what the hell did we do the next time we went there? Would there even be a next time? Why would there be when every fan in the city had already seen us?
Jared pushed his sunglasses into his hair and set his beer down. “It’s not insane. Alicia knows what she’s doing. She’s looking at those sizes because that’s the demand she’s been getting for us. It’s fucking amazing, not insane.”
“And it would be colossally stupid to fucking do it,” I told him. I knew that I was being stubborn about this, and I knew how crazy people thought I was for it, but it wasn’t the kind of thing I could just let go.
Jared took a step closer to me, still smiling. I didn’t see his fist form or fly toward me until it was too late. His knuckles connected with my stomach, and I was going down, struggling to breathe but managing to curse him out all the same.
“What the fuck, Jared?”
My knees hit the deck, and I clutched at my abdomen, wondering if he’d punctured one of my lungs with one of my ribs for the burn there. “What the hell are you doing?”
He stepped back, took another sip of his beer, and pointed at me with the end of his bottle. “I owed you one for clocking me the other day. I just didn’t want to risk damaging your face since we’re officially on tour now. Besides, you’re an asshole. You deserved it.”
“What?”
“You’re a coward, brother. I’ve called you many names, and I’ve been called many names, but a coward? Didn’t figure you for that.” Jared’s eyes changed, as did his stance. He was beyond annoyed about something, pissed even.
“Yeah? And why am I a coward?” I lay flat on my back on the deck, not bothering to get up while Jared was on a rant.
“You slept with Kelly, and you’re too much of a coward to either admit it, or see it through, or both.” He said, accusation heavy in his voice. He slammed the rest of his beer back as he stared at me.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” It wasn’t a move I was proud of, but pretending like he was full of shit seemed like a good idea. I’d been spending every waking minute struggling not to think about Kelly since I walked out on her a couple of nights ago, and the last thing I wanted was to start thinking about her now, with Jared looking on and reading every move like an open book.
“I know I might be many things, a dick, a jerk, a rock star, and whatever else you wanna call me, but I’m still your brother. I know you better than you think. What the fuck happened?” He glowered at me now.
“Nothing happened,” I muttered, pushing up off the hot deck and leaning on the bar counter. Fuck, my stomach hurt, and each time my lungs expanded was still painful as hell. Jared sure knew how to get his shot in.
“That’s bullshit. Something happened.” He drained his beer and uncapped another. Holding it in front of his lips, he looked me over, and I could practically see him jumping to conclusions. “You screwed something up the night of the first performance, didn’t you?”
I didn’t answer him right away. I’d been asking myself that question for days now, trying to figure out exactly what the fuck had happened and why I’d walked out. Kelly pushing me about success, about being there for me, it triggered so many old memories.
When I didn’t say anything, Jared kept going. “I know that you did. Whatever happened, you fucked up. I saw you leave with her and then come back without her. We didn’t see her for the rest of the night, but Alicia heard someone on the crew saying it looked like she’d been crying when she left out the back. Alicia’s been trying to call her since, but she’s been distant with her. She keeps insisting she’s okay, but Alicia’s sure that she’s not. All of which begs the question, what did you do, Caleb?”
Again, the same question I’d been asking myself for days. The truth was that I didn’t know what I’d done. Not really. Those things that she’d said to me were trigger points for me, all of them, yet I’d started questioning myself as soon as I walked out the door. I gave Jared the only answer I’d been able to come up with.
“It’s for the best. Women always leave you in the end anyway. What’s done is done. Leave it alone, Jared.”
Jared’s lips curled into a mocking grin, and I knew he was about to let me have it. We were stepping into the ring for round number four million or so, for the same fight. “Just because Elizabeth couldn’t handle things doesn’t mean that other people can’t, you know? Especially people who know you now. It’s completely different than it used to be.”
“No, it’s not different. It’s never going to be, not while Destitute exists and I’m still in it. She begged me not to leave San Diego, man. She begged me to stay. She told me straight up that if I left, I was choosing the band. This is me living with that choice.”
Jared’s eyes turned to ice, and his mouth set in a grim line. “Do you regret it?”
“You want the truth, or do you want me to give you the answer that you wanna hear?” I spat the words at him, reaching for his cold beer and chugging half of it in one go. “You know what? Let me give you the god’s honest truth. I should’ve stayed. I should’ve chosen her over Destitute.”
He stilled, then wrested the beer from my grasp and finished the rest of it. Staring silently and contemplatively out at the L.A. skyline, Jared seemed to make his decision and waved his hand dismissively. “That’s bullshit too. If Liz really loved you, she would’ve moved with you instead of doing what she did. Now you wanna trade all this for that.”
“Get the hell out of my house, Jared,” I growled, grabbing the empty beer bottle from the counter where he’d put it and throwing it at the wall behind him. It smashed and shattered with a satisfying crash and fell to the ground.
“What, I can’t tell it like it is?” he asked defiantly, squaring his shoulders and crossing his arms. I mirrored his stance.
“No, you can’t. Not in my house. Now get. The fuck. Out. Now.” Our standoff continued for a couple of more seconds, neither of us blinking or flinching.
“This isn’t just your business anymore, you know? You need to confront things, and if I have to force you to do it, so help me god, I will.” Determination steeled into his eyes. I knew there would be no changing his mind, no sidetracking him once he got like this.
But more than that, I also knew that he was right. There were things inside of me that were seriously fucked up, things that I needed to face head on if I was ever going to be able to move on.
“You’re right. I do need to confront my past, and I’ll do what I need to do, but you need to stay out of it. You’re not right about it not only being my business anymore. It still is, and I’ll deal with it.”
“You swear it?” Jared asked, still not moving.
His dark eyes, my eyes, our dad’s eyes, bored into me. “I do.”
“Fine, I’ll leave you to it then.” Finally, his arms dropped to his sides, and he spun around to leave. Pausing in the wooden frame of the door, he tapped twice and turned around to face me. “But bro, you better get this done. And whatever happened with Kelly, fix it or let it go.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
Jared flipped me off, tapped the doorframe again, and left me to my thoughts. As shitty as his company had been, at least it was better than my own.
Chapter 18
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br /> Kelly
Heavy banging on my door roused me from the nightmare I was having where I was running but not getting anywhere. It’d been the same one for a couple of days now. Since Caleb had stormed out. I’d been trying to come up with a meaning for it, but all I could think of was how hard I was chasing Caleb and how far I was willing to go for him and how he’d thrown it all back in my face.
Never getting anywhere? That was certainly how I felt. I buried my head in my pillow on the couch where I’d fallen asleep again the night before and hoped that whoever was at the door would leave me alone.
Unfortunately for me, that wasn’t to be. Alicia started calling from outside, banging on the door so hard that if I didn’t get up and let her in, my neighbors were sure to file a noise complaint. Reluctantly, I groaned and rolled off the couch to let my meddling sister in.
If she was here when the band were days away from leaving, it meant that Caleb and I had been found out. I wasn’t even at the door yet, and my cheeks were already beet red, the heat from them blossoming down my jaw and neck to my chest.
Taking a fortifying breath when I reached the door, I opened it to find Alicia waiting with worry in her eyes and her face drawn. I must’ve looked as bad as I felt because as soon as she saw me, she drew in a sharp breath and flung her arms around me.
“Thank god you opened up. I was about to call Jared to come pick the lock.” She spoke into my hair, her one hand immediately winding into it to stroke it like she used to when we were little and I was upset. “Are you okay?”
Tears I thought I didn’t have left to shed stung my eyes, but I blinked them back and swallowed past the lump in my throat. “I’m okay. I’m just embarrassed, I guess.”
“How did this happen? Wait, actually. Start at the beginning. What happened?” My sister’s voice was soft and understanding as she released me, blue eyes sweeping mine before she led me to the kitchen, made us each a cup of tea, and then sat me down. “Right, go. Tell me the whole sordid tale.”
And so I did, ending with Caleb walking out on me almost a week ago. I kept of lot of details private, not only the sexual stuff, but a lot of the things that we’d talked about that I didn’t think Caleb would’ve wanted broadcasted.
“And that’s it. I haven’t heard a word from him since. I don’t think I’m going to, either.”
Alicia was wide eyed and quiet as she processed everything I’d said. “Okay, well I’m going to take a pragmatic approach to start with. What are you going to do about GNM?”
“GNM?”
“Your employer?” Alicia prompted me, though I still didn’t quite get what they had to do with anything. “You’re going to have to choose, or at least, be upfront with them about sleeping with one of your subjects. They’re fine with gonzo journalism, so maybe it’s not the end of things.”
Ugh, I hadn’t even thought of that prospective screw up. The profile I was doing on Caleb was my first subject profile for Gathers No Moss, and I’d gone and slept with said subject. And then he dumped me.
Or no, actually. He didn’t dump me because we were never even together to begin with. I’d jeopardized a fantastic opportunity with my brand-new employer, and for what? A couple of orgasms and a fake sense of mutual affection.
It was clear that Caleb felt nothing for me, and yet, when I thought about the time we’d had together, and the last time specifically, it couldn’t all have been in my imagination. Though I didn’t think that my employer would care about that little detail.
Grabbing my pillow, I buried my face in it and suppressed the urge to scream before lifting my head once I’d regained my composure. “I don’t even know what to say to that. It could be the end. I’m not sure.”
“And you and Caleb?”
I wished that I had the answer to that question. “I don’t know that either. I think it’s over. I pushed him too hard, but I was only trying to help. The road to hell, right?”
“Hey, your good intentions haven’t led you all the way down that road yet. He may come around still.” Alicia didn’t sound any more confident than I felt.
“I don’t think he will. He’s just so hard to understand. Straight-up party guys? Them, I can understand no problem. But Caleb? I have no clue what’s going on in his head or what makes him tick. Even the bits that I do know that make him tick, I have no idea why or where it came from.” It seemed like too little too late to be trying to figure him out now.
Alicia sipped her tea thoughtfully and then sighed and ran her hands through her long hair. She was growing it out, probably for the wedding. The golden strands stayed slightly upright with static at the ends, but she didn’t seem to notice.
“I might know why some things make him tick,” she admitted quietly, judging my reactions carefully. “Jared went to see him the other day, and when he got back, he told me everything. I think you deserve to know too.”
“It’s not Jared’s story to share, or yours,” I told her half-heartedly. Truth be told, I was dying to know what Alicia knew, but I also felt like I had to hear it from Caleb.
“I know. That’s how he felt too. That’s why he didn’t tell me before, but when he got back, he said it was time for him to step in. Also, both of us felt like you deserved the truth, and Jared’s convinced Caleb will never tell you. Apparently, he doesn’t talk about it. Ever.”
My curiosity was definitely piqued. And if both Jared and Alicia felt like I should be told the truth and Caleb wasn’t going to tell me, then why not? I’d come clean to him later and take whatever might come my way for hearing his story from someone else. But for right now, I just wanted the truth. I was desperate to make even a lick of sense of the infuriating man.
“Okay, I’m all ears. I should warn you. We both might be taking that road to hell together for talking about this behind his back.”
Alicia nodded, sadness in her eyes even as her jaw set in determination. “I know, but I hate seeing you like this, and I don’t think you’re going to be able to sort things out with him if you don’t know where’s he’s coming from, assuming you’d want a shot at something real with him. On the other hand, I don’t think you’re going to be able to move on without the ‘what if’s’, even if you don’t want to give things a shot with him. There will always just be too many unanswered questions.”
It really was remarkable how well my sister knew me. I was infinitely grateful suddenly that she was here for me, that she’d come armed with the answers I needed to clear up the chaos swirling around in my head.
“True. Okay, I’m listening. What secret is the great Caleb Larsen hiding?”
I’d assumed that he had some kind of horrific romantic past that was influencing and informing his actions now. I just never thought that it would’ve been quite as terrible as the tale Alicia came out with.
“Back in San Diego before the band made it big, Caleb had a girlfriend. They were together for a long time apparently. They got engaged when the band started getting a little more popular, and the whole wedding was planned when they got their offer to come out here.”
“He was engaged?” I breathed, unable to find my voice.
Alicia nodded. “He was. Engaged, and according to Jared, he actually loved the woman a lot. Her name is Elizabeth.”
Elizabeth. So she was the ghost who was still chasing him. “What happened?”
“As the band started gaining popularity and touring a little, things were still okay between them. Then they got signed by a big label, and like I said, the wedding was already planned, but Caleb had a choice. Elizabeth didn’t want to move to L.A., so she told him to choose between her and the band. She begged him not to leave.”
“But he did?” Of course, he had. That also made his words make a little more sense. They echoed in my mind as Alicia talked, him telling me that he’d had to make sacrifices for success, that he would’ve been happier if they hadn’t blown up. More specifically, his belief that nothing would last forever. It all made perfect sense now.
&nb
sp; “He chose Destitute and L.A., yeah. But it gets worse. They had a huge fight after she’d begged him to stay. Caleb thought she just needed some time to calm down, so when she told him to leave, he did. He went to Jared’s to talk and drink and blow off some steam, but Elizabeth didn’t take the time alone to calm down.”
“Oh no,” I said softly, almost afraid to hear what she was going to say next. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how Caleb must’ve felt.
Alicia smiled grimly. “Oh no is right. As it turned out, she went out and slept with a friend of theirs just to spite him.”
My heart ached for what Caleb had gone through, how shattered he must’ve been when he found this out. Alicia had been right about one thing, this did make me understand things a hell of a lot better.
“How did we not know about any of this?” I asked her. Between the two of us, it was literally our jobs to know every last thing about these guys.
“I asked that too. Apparently back then, Elizabeth didn’t want to be in the public eye, even locally, so Caleb and the others never mentioned that he wasn’t single. People just assumed that he was, and he never corrected them. After everything happened, Elizabeth has kept an extremely low profile.”
“Wow, that all sounds horrendously painful,” I remarked, trying to put myself in Caleb’s shoes, to see the world as he saw it because of what he’d been through. Even just pretending to be looking at things from his shoes was too painful for me to bear.
There I’d been, sulking and crying for days because he’d walked out on me, but he’d been cheated on by his fiancée, a woman that he trusted and loved. A woman that he was planning a future with. How could I blame him for not believing in happily ever afters, personally or professionally?
I couldn’t. Not really. It was all so complicated and meshed together that it was easy to see how tangled the concepts were for Caleb. Destitute and long-term happiness weren’t two things he believed could be achieved simultaneously.