by Ali Parker
Thank god.
There was a soft knock on my door, and when I yanked it open, probably looking as dreadful as I felt, whatever Alicia had been about to say died on her red lips.
“What happened? What’s wrong?” Her blue eyes were alert and darting around my room like she thought she might find an intruder here. She stepped inside, threw her purse onto the couch, and pulled me in for a hug, running her fingers through my hair.
A sob rose in my throat at the comforting gesture, but I couldn’t lose myself in it. Inhaling a deep breath, my hands trembled as I stepped away from her. “I woke up feeling awful. Then I realized that I’m late.”
Alicia’s mouth opened and then closed again. She paled slightly, and her eyes dropped to my belly before her brows furrowed and her gaze lifted back to mine. “How late?”
“Probably only about two weeks.” My voice shook so badly that even I almost couldn’t hear what I was saying.
Alicia, however, clearly did. She sucked in an audible breath, her eyes widening. “You’re never late. Have you taken a test?”
I shook my head miserably. “No, I don’t even carry any. I take my pill religiously, Alicia. It can’t be that. I just… I must be sick or something.”
“Or something,” Alicia muttered, with concern clear as a bell in her blue eyes. “I know you’re really good about taking your pill, but birth control isn’t infallible. Sometimes, despite what you do or how good you are about it, it just doesn’t work.”
“Is that what you told Jared last year when Madison came out and accused him of knocking her up? Because if I remember correctly, you kept saying that you knew he always wrapped it up.” I immediately regretted my sudden flare of anger and annoyance. “I’m sorry. I have no idea where that came from.”
The worry in Alicia’s eyes doubled. “I might. I’ve heard mood swings are a terribly common symptom of—”
I smashed my hands over my ears to avoid hearing the word. It was a juvenile move, but I just wasn’t ready to hear it. My heart rate sped up all the same, and my thoughts jumbled into one, but soon, all those thoughts narrowed to one.
Practically hyperventilating by this point, I stammered, “Caleb’s going to think I lied to him. Oh god. Oh fuck. We just sorted everything out. There’s no way he’s going to believe me.”
Alicia put both hands on my shoulders and pushed down a little to calm me. “We don’t know anything for sure yet. Let’s go get a test, and we’ll take it from there. If there’s a reason to keep freaking out, we’ll do it later okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered, my mouth and throat drier than the Sahara.
“Okay,” Alicia agreed. She gave me another hug and reached for her purse, slinging it across her shoulder. “You go jump in the shower, and I’ll go buy a test.”
I stood frozen right where I was. My limbs were refusing to cooperate as my hands folded over my lower belly. Was it really possible there was someone in there?
Alicia smiled softly, understanding that despite her orders not to freak out, I still was, just internally. She gently took my hand. She led me to the bathroom, and I clung to her like she was a life raft, which her calm, logical demeanor and quiet support kind of was to me.
She flipped the tap on the shower, checked the temperature, and waited for me to get in before telling me she’d be right back and leaving. I went through the motions of showering on autopilot, completely mechanically. I washed and conditioned my hair, brushed my teeth twice right there in the shower, and lathered myself with soap until a thick layer of it covered my entire body.
Rinsing off, I stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel Alicia had placed on the basin for me around myself. I was just putting on my most comfortable track suit when the door to the suite opened and Alicia strode back in.
“Good thing there’s a drug store right downstairs. Whoever put mini-malls in hotels clearly understood the need not to have to leave when you need something urgently.” She pulled a bulging brown paper bag from her purse, along with a bottle of Vitamin Water. “You’ll need this.”
Cracking the lid, I took a tiny sip to test that the nausea wouldn’t return. When it didn’t, I took another couple of swallows. Once that was done, Alicia led me back to the bathroom and shook several packages from the bag.
“Did you buy the entire selection?” I asked when I saw the different shapes and sizes of the boxes now lying on the counter. She tore the plastic wrapping off the first one and held it out to me. “Variety is the spice of life. I didn’t know which was supposed to be the most accurate, so I figured it was better to buy as many different kinds as I could.”
“Good thinking,” I mumbled, my knees and hands trembling again. It was difficult to believe that such small packages had the power to change my entire life.
“You want me to stay, or should I wait outside?”
The thought of her leaving nearly sent me into a full frenzied panic attack. “No. Don’t go, please. I really need you here.”
“Then here’s where I’ll be.” She smiled, but it was tight and worried. Her eyes echoed the sentiment. “You ready?”
I was everything but ready. “Yeah, let me have it.”
Alicia cracked a smile as she handed me the first test. “It’s saying stuff like that that got you into this possible mess.”
Despite the circumstances, I laughed. Sobering as I took the white plastic stick from her, I took a huge breath and I held it. When I was done, I placed the test on the cabinet and held out my hand for another. While I was doing this, I was going to do it properly.
Alicia kept cracking her little jokes, trying to lighten the mood. Neither of us glanced at any of the display screens until the last test was taken.
I washed my hands and squeezed my eyes shut, opening them only when I felt Alicia’s hand on my elbow. “Should we look?”
“How long has it been?”
She turned her wrist to check her watch. “Long enough. Let’s do this.”
“Let’s,” I croaked, my heart galloping like a runaway horse on a race track. Pressing my hand to it, I realized that my breast was tender as well. Crap.
Everything in me tensed as I prepared to look at those sticks. My heart was in my throat, and it felt like there was a bubble growing behind my eyeballs, making my vision narrow and blur.
The moment of truth came, and I couldn’t look. My hands flew to my eyes, and I had to force myself to peek through my fingers. Stomach rumbling, I saw that each test had the same result. The cheap ones, the expensive ones, the pink ones, and the blue ones, they all had two lines or one plus sign. The digital one read its result in the display screen: Pregnant.
My knees buckled, and I lost track of what was happening. Arms grabbed underneath mine and held me up. I was faintly aware of Alicia’s floral perfume and knew it was her that was keeping me from hitting the floor.
I sank to the tiles, cold and hard under my butt. It was all so surreal. The word kept flashing behind my eyes. Pregnant.
I was pregnant. Emotion swirled like a thunderstorm inside me. Sudden visions of a future I’d never considered with mini versions of Caleb running around a green garden popped into my mind. But then I banished them because they were impossible.
Caleb was going to hate me for this. He was going to think that I’d lied, and he’d never speak to me again. I glanced toward Alicia, and she pulled me into her arms.
“What am I going to do?” I whispered into her hair.
She hugged me tighter, breathing as fast as I was. “We’ll figure it out. How’re you feeling, or is it still too soon to ask?”
How was I feeling? I leaned back and glanced to my stomach, my hands and arms wrapping around it of their own accord. This was a shock of a lifetime, sure. I was scared to death of how Caleb was going to react, and I knew that my life had just irrevocably changed, but somehow, there was something else too.
A flutter of something different in my heart. Happiness.
But before I could figure
out exactly how I feel about it, I lifted my eyes to Alicia’s. “You can’t say a word about this. Not to anyone, not even Jared. Okay? I need to figure this out first.”
God knew I had a lot of things to figure out now.
Chapter 23
Caleb
I paced the length of my hotel room. The waiting was killing me. It’d been years, but here I was waiting for Elizabeth again. I took Kelly’s advice and called her, even set up a meeting. For my hotel room, this afternoon. Now.
Kelly left my room shortly after midnight, despite all my attempts to convince her to stay. She was adamant that she needed sleep. It was after noon, and I still hadn’t heard a peep from her again yet. It was probably for the best. Dealing with Kelly and Liz at the same time didn’t appeal to me.
Well, dealing with Kelly appealed to me. Dealing with Elizabeth, not so much. It was weird to hear her voice again after all these years, but I knew that seeing her was going to be next-level weird.
Wiping my palms on my jeans, I froze when there was a soft knock at my door. I didn’t get nervous to play in front of thousands of people, do live streams that could be broadcast to millions, but I was beyond nervous for this.
It wasn’t because I still had feelings for her. It was just because I felt like all of this was best left in the past. Another knock sounded, and I knew that it was time to face my past. I paused with my hand on the doorknob, dragged my hand through my hair, and then opened the door.
“Caleb, hi.” Elizabeth smoothed the front of her dress. It was more of a nervous gesture than a necessary one. Her pale pink dress matched the cardigan she was wearing and the smudge of lipstick on her thin lips. Auburn hair curled to her shoulders and was held back off her forehead with shiny barrettes.
Seeing who Elizabeth had become jarred me. This wasn’t the girl I fell in love with or the one who left me. This was a woman who had her shit together and didn’t want anything to do with my world. The realization hit me straight in the gut, but it didn’t make it any less true.
It was only her eyes that were the same, a fiery brown that seemed to peer into the deepest recesses of one’s soul. The smattering of freckles that I knew covered her nose and cheeks were hidden by a layer of makeup, and strangely, I missed them.
As different as she was, she was still Elizabeth, and that knowledge caused a lot of old emotions to come rushing back. The anger, betrayal, and disappointment over what she did, most notably.
My jaw ticked, and I tensed, forcing myself to relax before greeting her and stepping aside so she could enter the suite. “Elizabeth. Thanks for coming.”
Following me into the suite, an awkward silence stretched between us for several long seconds. She cleared her throat as I headed to the bank of windows, once again staring out across the tranquil bay.
“So, uh, I’ve heard that Destitute’s new album is doing well,” she commented, her voice soft and fragile. “I’m proud of you. The success the band has reached is really something. Congratulations.”
“Thanks,” I answered gruffly. Tucking my thumbs into the pockets of my jeans, I decided that her attempt at small talk was at least helping to ease the tense silence, even if the words hung meaningless in the air. “How have you been? Did you ever pursue teaching?”
Elizabeth’s dream had always been a teaching career, middle school if memory served. Pride lit up her eyes as she smiled. “I did. I’m a teacher now. Sixth and seventh graders.”
“Congratulations.” I returned her earlier sentiment. “Is it everything you hoped it would be?”
“Everything and more.” She nodded enthusiastically, and some of the frost melted from her posture. Then it was back almost as quickly as it disappeared. The soft smile dropped from her face, and she crossed her arms like she was defending herself from me. “How about superstardom? How’s that working out for you?”
I bristled. “You know it was never about that for me.”
Narrowing her eyes, she looked me over. She stared at my messy dark hair, not brushed into place the way she used to like it, past the piercing in my eyebrows and the tattoos on my arms, ending at my bare feet and ratty jeans.
“Maybe not, but it looks like it suits you. You always did love your body art.”
“Thinking you made a mistake now?” I cocked a brow at her and watched as a spark of anger lit in her eyes. It made me want to keep going. I turned in a slow circle with my arms out, motioning toward my suite. “Especially now that you see what you’ve been missing out on? How rich and famous I’ve become.”
Lips pursed, she hugged herself tighter, and an involuntary shiver shot down her spine. When her eyes met mine again, they were filled with remorse but not regret. “No, I don’t think I made a mistake. Do I regret cheating on you? Yes. I do every day. That wasn’t fair, and I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive myself fully for it, but leaving you? I don’t regret that, Caleb.”
Surprise reverberated through me at her words. It shouldn’t have, since she’d never looked me up or tried to get me back, but I was still a little shocked that she was so blatantly plain and honest about it. I appreciated it.
Elizabeth chewed on her lip, and I practically saw the moment that she decided that since she was talking, she may as well say her piece. “I never wanted anything but a quiet future. You guys had the big dreams, but they were never mine.”
“That’s why you cheated on me? Different ideologies?” The words were out before I’d even had time to consider whether I should’ve asked the question or not, but now that I had, I wouldn’t have taken it back even if I could.
The question had been plaguing me for years. If she could speak openly, so could I. She flinched a little at my tone but then visibly rallied and shook her head sadly. “No. It wasn’t because we wanted different things. Not entirely. Ultimately, I wanted to make sure that we had a clean and severe break. I didn’t want to be tempted to follow you to L.A., and I didn’t want you coming back for me, or leaving Destitute out of guilt or some misplaced sense of loyalty toward me.”
“It wouldn’t have been misplaced, Elizabeth. We were engaged. My loyalty was supposed to lie with you.” My tone was clipped, and my frustration was almost palpable in the air between us.
Tears sprang to her eyes as she took in what I was saying and my reaction to her explanation even so many years later. “It would’ve been misplaced. We weren’t good together toward the end. Surely, you saw that. I wanted the quiet life, a dog and a white picket fence, two point four kids. You wanted… the world. And you deserved it. You always were talented.”
“Of course I realized we had problems, but I was willing to fight for us, to work through our problems.” I was quickly losing control of the volume of my voice, but I didn’t care anymore. I’d waited long enough for these answers.
“That’s exactly why I had to do it, Caleb. Don’t you see? We wouldn’t have let each other go otherwise. One or the other of us would’ve gone back on what we wanted. All I did was make sure that neither of us could. It hurt me to do it. You don’t have to believe me, but it did.”
“I’m sure.” My reply dripped with sarcasm, but I wasn’t buying the shit she was selling. Even if it had hurt her, it’d still been her choice to fuck one of my best friends to ensure a “clean and severe break”. Fuck that.
“It did, Caleb. I loved you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, just not the life you wanted for us. For you. I want babies. You’ve always known that. Babies with a solid and stable home to come back to and a daddy to put them to bed at night.”
“I have a house,” I bit out, taunting. I knew exactly what she meant. I just didn’t want to.
Elizabeth’s hands flew to her hips, and she squared her shoulders. “Exactly. You have a house, but I’m sure it’s not a home. How many months is this tour this time? Can you imagine what it would be like to have a child with a touring rock star? Because I can’t. I’d be having babies to raise them as a single mom. I didn’t want to sign up for that.”
“You would’ve been raising them in one hell of a house, into one hell of a life,” I retorted, though even I had to admit that the picture she painted was kind of bleak.
“I don’t think a hell of life is something that’s quite fit for a baby. I used to love you, Caleb. While I’m happy for you and your success, I also pity you a little now. Is anything in your life real anymore?”
“Yes,” I replied immediately, thinking first of my band. Jared and the guys were real. They were always there, annoying as fuck sometimes, but the constant reminder that we were all just people after all. They kept me grounded and reminded me to pull my head out of my ass from time to time.
Like Elizabeth was reading my mind, she said, “Not Destitute. Anything else?”
I wanted to tell her how real my money was, how real the girls were that threw themselves at me every night. But that just wasn’t me. Besides, there was something else now. “I’m with someone now. Someone real. It’s not just a one-night stand.”
She smiled sadly, almost ruefully. “I wish I could say something different to you, but I can’t. It’ll end eventually. You know that, right? All women crave stability from their men in the long run, and you, Mr. Larsen, will never be able to provide that.”
I grunted, searching for an answer when she held up a hand and hugged her purse to her. “Again, Caleb, I’m really sorry for cheating on you. You didn’t deserve that, but that was the only mistake I made back then. It was good to see you.”
“Good to see you too,” I lied. It hadn’t been. All she’d done was brought up feelings that I never had to deal with anymore. Feelings like self-doubt and a lack of confidence. It sucked balls.
Elizabeth walked to the door of the suite, pulling it open and turning to face me before she left. “Please, never contact me again. Have a good life, Caleb Larsen.”
Then she was gone.
Elizabeth was out of my life. For good. She’d made sure of that. Again.
What she’d left behind, again, were all the negative emotions and dark thoughts that she’d stirred up. She’d seemed so sure that I was fucked, that she was right, and I would never have a lasting relationship because of my lifestyle.