by Sarah Morgan
“That’s not because it’s unsafe. It’s because—well, I’m scared of water.” Flora tightened her grip on Molly. “I probably should have done something about it long before now, but I never have. There isn’t much need or opportunity to swim where I live so I never had to push myself.”
Molly sniffed. “Daddy says it’s okay to be scared, but if you’re scared of something you should just do it.”
“And he’s right. I should have just done it. I wish I had, because then you and I would be able to swim in that lake together.”
“No, because now I’m scared, too.” She started to cry again, heartrending sobs that made Izzy’s stomach hurt.
She felt so out of her depth she might as well have been in the middle of the lake, but Flora didn’t seem to be floundering.
“You are brilliant in the water,” she said. “I looked out of my window yesterday and I thought to myself There’s a dolphin in the lake. How did a dolphin get into the lake? And then I looked a little closer and realized it was you.”
Molly’s sob turned to a little gurgle of laughter. “Dolphins don’t live in the lake.”
“You know that because you’re smart. And being smart, you also know how to be safe in the water. I’ve seen you. You always have someone with you, you never go too far from the shore—you do all the right things. And then there’s the fact that you’re a great swimmer.”
Molly sucked in a juddery breath. “Aunt Clare taught me.”
“Right. So we know you’re not scared of water, not really. Is there something else that scares you?”
Izzy thought about the question even though it hadn’t been aimed at her. Lately it felt she was permanently scared. She was scared of living a life without her mother. Scared about that conversation she’d overheard. Scared of knowing things she wished she didn’t know. Scared of Flora’s presence in their lives. Scared of not being needed, and of losing her place in the family. She was pretty sure she could now add “scared of horses” to the list.
It was a good job Flora hadn’t asked her the question. It would take Izzy at least two weeks to answer it.
Molly, however, only said one thing. “I’m scared Daddy and Izzy will die, too.”
Izzy expected Flora to say Of course they won’t die, but she didn’t.
“When my mother died, I was scared, too. I think it’s because as well as losing someone you love, you lose that sense of security. A good mother—and your mommy was obviously a very good mommy—makes you feel safe, and losing that feeling of being safe is a very scary thing. And you’re scared it might happen to other people you love. But it’s very rare for people to die the way your mommy did, and my mommy did. We have to remember that.”
Molly seemed to think about it. “I miss her.”
“Of course you do.”
“Some days I can’t remember what she looked like. What if one day I wake up and I don’t remember at all?”
“I worried about that, too,” Flora said. “So I took my favorite photo of my mother, and I had copies made and I carry that photo everywhere with me. So in a way, she is always with me. I like knowing I have her there. There’s one in my purse, one in a frame I keep by my bed, one on my wall in my apartment. So if you have a favorite photo, we could do the same for you.”
“I don’t know which one is my favorite.”
“Maybe you and Izzy can go through all the photos together and choose the one you like best. The one that reminds you most of your mommy. Maybe when she’s dancing or laughing. Does that sound like a good idea? What do you think, Izzy?”
Izzy’s throat was thick. How could she say that she worried about the same thing? Worried that one day she’d forget what her mother looked like. She kept her mother’s perfume in her bedroom and on bad days when the images in her head were blurred, she breathed in the scent and remembered.
She cleared her throat. “Yeah, we can do that.”
“And now about this swimming.” Flora tipped Molly onto the grass and scrambled to her feet. “How about you and Izzy go swimming together and I’ll make us some drinks.”
“Will you watch me?”
Flora hesitated. “Of course I’m going to watch. Try stopping me.”
“Will you sit right on the edge?”
“Absolutely.” Flora’s skin color took on a faint greenish tinge that reminded Izzy of algae.
“Not right by the edge.” Izzy stripped off her T-shirt down to her bathing suit beneath. “We don’t want to splash her.”
When Flora gave her a quiet smile of gratitude, she couldn’t help returning it. She might want Molly to herself, but she was willing to admit that there were times when reinforcements were a good thing.
Molly was wriggling out of her clothes, apparently forgetting her sudden horror of the water.
She grabbed one of the floats Clare kept in the box close to the water and sped down the grass.
“Whoa! Wait up! You’re not allowed in without me,” Izzy yelled after her, and then glanced at Flora, knowing she had to say something. “Thanks. Sorry you had to handle that.”
“Well I seem to have caused it, so you’re not the one who should be apologizing. And you were great. You are so great with her. No one can handle Molly the way you do.”
Izzy felt like a parched plant that had suddenly been watered. She sucked up the life-giving praise through her roots and it spread to every part of her, reviving her wilting confidence.
She was good with Molly, she knew she was.
Just because she’d had to ask for help on this occasion, didn’t mean she wasn’t good with her sister, and it didn’t mean she wasn’t needed.
She gave a tentative smile. “Thanks.” Why had she built Flora up into a monster? She was just another person doing her best to handle what life threw at her. And life seemed to have thrown plenty. She’d lost her mother, too, and she’d had no dad and no big sister. “You were brilliant.”
“You’re welcome. As I was the one who caused the meltdown, it was the least I could do.” Flora paused. “Are you aching after the riding?”
Izzy pulled a face. “Like I’ve been kicked down the road by a pair of heavy boots. Or even a horse.”
Flora grinned back and for a moment they were just two bruised and aching people who had shared a similar experience.
“Better move. I’m on lifeguard duty.” Flora waved a hand and headed toward the water.
“No need to come any closer than that.” Izzy dragged one of the garden chairs a safe distance from the water. “And don’t worry. I’ve got a lifesaving certificate. You’re just there for show.”
“I hope so, because there is no way I could help anyone in trouble in the water. Thanks, Izzy.”
Feeling confident and a little more sure of her place in the world, Izzy slid into the lake and joined her sister.
17
Flora
The days passed in a blur of fresh air and sweaty, breathless fun. They hiked to the tops of fells, scrambling up twisty trails and over rocky outcrops, gasping as they finally collapsed at the top, lungs heaving and skin stinging from the heat. They gorged on Clare’s delicious picnics and the incredible views, devouring chunks of fresh bread and local cheese while drinking in the valleys and mountain ridges spread before them.
“That’s Windermere,” Clare would say, pointing to the long ribbon of silvery water stretching into the distance, or she’d point at a rocky ridge, “That’s Crinkle Crags and next to it Bowfell.” She was able to recognize every mountain from its shape and Flora was impressed by her local knowledge.
“You’ve climbed all of them?”
“Yes. My father and I used to go every weekend.”
She and Clare had slid into an easy friendship, and Flora was surprised by how easy it was to be with her. Any traces of awkwardness were long gone. It had taken only a few conversations for Flora to work out that Clare’s occasional reserve masked shyness. She wasn’t good with strangers and the more time she and Flora spent t
ogether, the more she opened up, particularly when it came to sharing this corner of the world she loved so much.
The sheer scope and variety of the scenery was breathtaking, from towering rock faces and craggy ridges, to moatlike lakes that snaked along the valley floor. As they clambered up steep sided gullies and cooled down next to frothing waterfalls, they saw buzzards, ospreys and red kites. They tramped through ancient woodland, the trees knotted and gnarled.
They left Molly with Clare’s mother for a day and climbed Helvellyn, a test of physical fitness that made Flora finally give thanks for the running she’d done with Izzy. As she tackled the notoriously vertiginous ridge of Striding Edge she discovered two things. First, that she wasn’t afraid of heights, and second, that she was in love with the Lakes, even though that affection didn’t extend to actually dipping her toes in water. Her normally pale skin became lightly tanned, and a few freckles appeared on her nose. Her body felt stronger than it had in years. She felt stronger.
And whatever she did, Jack was there. They tried to be discreet, but she wasn’t sure they succeeded. She discovered it was possible to communicate a great deal without touching. A look. A smile. That was all it took. And on the occasions when they managed more she wasn’t sure which of them was more desperate. It was more a collision of need than a blending. Sometimes she looked at him and thought he’s gorgeous, and other times she thought he’s mine. Either way she couldn’t stop looking, and the more she looked the better she knew him. She knew that look he wore when he listened to Molly, the way he smiled when he swung his daughter onto his shoulders and heard her belly laugh. And then there were the more intimate expressions. The look in his eyes when he and Flora were naked together, when her bare leg slid over his and when she arched into him, inviting.
Fortunately their deepening connection didn’t appear to have a negative impact on the rest of the group.
Since the incident with Molly, Izzy was noticeably more relaxed with her. Flora was no longer nervous and on edge when they were together, and occasionally they even shared a laugh. They weren’t friendly exactly, but the tension was a little less than it had been.
When it rained—inevitable, Clare had said—Flora made a pirate camp in the living room for Molly, draping sheets over the sofas and constructing a “ship” complete with mast. She soaked paper in cold tea and made a treasure map, even going so far as to burn the edges to add authenticity. Clare joined in and they played hide-and-seek, making full use of secret doors and cupboards in the lodge and hidden corners of the tangled, overgrown garden. Flora remembered doing the same thing with her mother, hiding under a bed, holding her breath, waiting in a state of delighted terror to be discovered. She told Molly about it and answered a dozen more questions about the things she’d enjoyed doing with her mother.
Aiden and Izzy were often absent, sometimes kayaking together on the lake, more often walking along the lake trail, heads close together as they talked.
Izzy seemed happier than she’d been in a while and the sensitive topic of college hadn’t been mentioned again. Jack had confided in Flora that he thought it was best left for now, and she’d agreed with him. Time could soften things, she knew that. And time could provide clarity. She had a feeling Izzy needed both.
Although Flora had fallen in love with the mountains, she was equally happy spending time in the gardens of Lake Lodge. She spent hours deadheading, trimming, tending. Clare often joined her and they stood together, planning the garden together.
“Is it too late to prune the lupins?” Clare asked her one morning as she nursed a brimming mug of tea.
“Lupins? Oh, you mean lupines. It’s fascinating how many differences there are between British English and American English. The answer is, definitely not too late. It will encourage new growth. Let’s do it now.” Flora put her mug down and was stuck into the gardening even as Clare protested that she was a guest and shouldn’t be cutting back plants.
But Flora no longer felt like a guest. At some point she’d stopped feeling like an outsider and started feeling like part of the group. Welcomed. Accepted.
When she finished with the lupines, she removed side shoots from the wisteria and divided the clumps of bearded iris so that they’d form roots and buds the following year.
Occasionally Clare would mention Becca, and gradually Flora formed a better picture of the woman who had been Clare’s lifelong friend. Yes, she’d had ferocious ambition and talent, but she seemed to have been driven by deep-seated insecurities that she’d never been able to shift.
The realization that even the perfect Becca had her imperfections gave another boost to Flora’s determination to be herself. Imperfections were part of being human. Trying to please her aunt had been her way of surviving a terrible time in her life and yes, it had escalated to ridiculous proportions, but she was more aware of herself now.
She should have known that such blissful calm couldn’t last. It came to an end during their second week at Lake Lodge and it started with a fight about Chase.
It was the first time Flora had heard Molly and Izzy argue.
Izzy was sitting on the kitchen floor, rubbing the tummy of an ecstatic Chase. “Aiden isn’t around today because he’s sailing with a group of friends—birthday celebration—so I’m spending the day with Chase. I’ve made a picnic and I’m taking him for a long walk, is that okay, Aunt Clare?”
“No!” Molly’s face crumbled. “He’s ours! He’s coming sailing. Daddy promised.”
“He’s not yours. And anyway, you’ve had him all week. It’s my turn.” Izzy’s voice was level. “You can play with him later, when you’re back from sailing.”
“I want to play with him in the boat. He loves swimming.”
Izzy stopped rubbing and Chase gave a whine of protest. “I’ll take him swimming.”
“You can’t swim on your own. It’s not allowed.”
Flora felt a hard knot in her stomach. The sudden tension stressed her.
Family life, she told herself. This was just family life. It was simply that she wasn’t used to it. What could she do? Say? She almost offered to go with Izzy, but then stopped herself. What use was she as a lifeguard? And anyway, she shouldn’t take a side.
The day would work out, one way or another.
Jack and Todd were taking Molly sailing and Flora and Clare had planned to spend another relaxed morning in the garden. The day before they’d been to the garden center and Flora was looking forward to a day of planting and fresh air. She and Jack had sneaked into the same room for the past few nights and the result was a dizzying combination of ecstasy and exhaustion.
A day in the garden was just what she needed. An easy friendship was developing between her and Clare and she’d pictured a few delicious hours of gardening, chat and maybe a short nap in the sun.
She enjoyed the calm of it, basked in the easy friendship that was developing between her and Clare, but she could already see from the spark in Izzy’s eye and the pout on Molly’s lips that calm and conversation were unlikely to be coming her way today.
Izzy looked at her father. “Do you want me to come sailing with you?”
Jack was sorting through waterproofs. “Aren’t you hanging out with Aiden today?”
“He had plans he couldn’t change. So I could easily help out.”
“That’s a kind offer, but we’ll be fine.” He stuffed Molly’s wet suit into a bag. “You have a great day doing your own thing for once. We can manage without you.”
Izzy’s face lost some color. “But I can help with the sails, and make sure Molly’s okay. She’s a little nervous around water right now—”
“She’ll be great.” He added sailing gloves and wet suit boots, zipped the bag and dropped it by the door. “We’re going to have one of our special Dad and Molly days, aren’t we, honey?” He gave Molly a quick hug and she hugged him back.
“Yay! A Dad and Molly day. Just the two of us and Chase.” She danced a little on the spot and Flora was will
ing to bet that each time those feet thumped the floor Izzy felt they’d landed on her chest.
She knew for sure Jack thought he was being generous to Izzy, but she could also see he was saying and doing the wrong thing.
“Okay. Sounds fun.” Izzy’s smile was almost painfully bright. “I’ll make the picnic for you.”
“No need.” Jack picked up a bag from the counter and waved it proudly. “I’ve got it.”
“Did you make ham sandwiches?”
“No, because Molly hates ham. You taught me that, and I paid attention. I made her cheese.”
Izzy swallowed. “How about her drink? You always forget to pack a drink.”
“Not today. I have learned from my mistakes and I have juice and water.” Jack produced it from the backpack with a flourish. There was a hint of the triumphant in his smile. “Are you impressed? I think I’ve officially passed the dad test. We no longer need you to run the household, Izzy.”
Izzy’s hand stilled on Chase’s belly. “Right. So—I’m not needed.” Something in her voice made Flora wish Jack would stop talking, but he didn’t.
“That’s right. You can go to college without worrying that we’re going to starve or be buried under a mountain of laundry.”
Was that what this was? Was he trying to prove that he could survive without Izzy?
Flora wondered if the mention of college would trigger an explosion, but Izzy said nothing.
She watched as Jack bundled the picnic into the bag along with all the sailing gear.
Flora had a bad feeling and couldn’t quite pinpoint why. There was no tantrum and no fiery words. Just a stillness and a sense of quiet misery that worried Flora more.
Was Izzy feeling left out? Was that what was happening?
She glanced at Jack but he was arguing with Molly over whether to pack apples or pears and didn’t seem concerned.
Maybe this was family dynamics. Something Flora knew little about.
Izzy stood up. “Have fun today.” She paused, but Jack was trying to persuade Molly to let him rub sunscreen on her neck and didn’t seem to hear.