“She killed herself, Georgie. I don’t need to get a refresher on the details.”
It was hard enough to accept it. Every time I did I felt that essence of failure again, all over again. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I was with Ryan. I was with him and every time I thought of what she must have gone through, grief in abundance would take me.
God knew how many support groups I’d attended during college to help me deal with her death, and every time that word –suicide –was mentioned, it just ate away at everything inside me.
“I know. I … wish I knew what to say. This is so difficult. It’s the one thing I’ve always felt inadequate to help you with,” she surmised.
“No, please don’t say that. You helped me plenty.” She was the only person I’ve ever opened up to about my past. She still was. No one else knew. So many people drifted in and out of my life. She’d been my constant.
“I wish I could help more.”
“You’re here. You’re here and I appreciate you.” I gave her a little smile.
“ I know you do. Can I make you something to eat before we go?”
“No, I’m not hungry. I ate plenty last night.” I did.
It was comfort eating after I got back from Ryan. I’d had a whole Angel cake to myself and pigged out on a family sized pack of Cheetos. Then I ordered pizza. Thank God I was the kind of woman who couldn’t pile on the pounds. What I ate last night was enough food for a week.
“I noticed.” She giggled. “So, that being said, I’m gonna go get ready after you tell me how last night went with Ryan.” Mischief lurked in her eyes.
“Oh God, Georgie. It’s best if I don’t talk about him.” I winced bringing my hand to my temple. I blew out a ragged breath and ran a hand over my hair which I’d placed up in a high messy bun.
“You didn’t want to talk about him last night either.” She smirked. “But you know me. I’m not one to keep my nose out of anybody’s business girl.”
I smiled, wishing this was one of our lazy day girl chats where it was usually me who was giving the advice.
Georgie wouldn’t believe how shy I used to be. The woman I was now was like a completely different person. The woman I was now serial-dated wealthy business men and athletes. Gorgeous and sexy and never specifically anyone who could get close to my heart the way Ryan had.
“I’m not sure what to say.” I shrugged.
“Well we know he’s single, and works with his father. Did you get past any other basics?” She looked hopeful.
“We talked and I apologized for leaving him. But really… it didn’t go well and it didn’t go badly either, in the sense that he didn’t throw me out.”
She bit the inside of her lip and her shoulders slumped.
I guess I probably started out like I was building up to something that wasn’t so bad.
“Oh Lana. I’m sorry. I was hoping that maybe you could be friends, or something… I don’t know what I’d do if it was me. I’m still shocked by his mother’s behavior and to be honest I’m leaning more on the side that you should just tell him the truth.”
Her guidance didn’t surprise me. It was something I’d advise her to do too.
“I don’t think I should do that. In fact, I know I shouldn’t do that. It’s like Pandora’s box. Why open it and let out the demons. Ryan adores his mother. He’s the kind of guy who loves his mom and will do anything for her. The fact that she’s sick too doesn’t exactly lend me any favors. I can’t do it.”
“But Lana… you still have feelings for him.” She pointed out. That was my friend. In true ‘cut past the shit and get to the point’ style she got to the heart of a situation.
Instead of answering I looked out the window and gazed out to the beautiful river in my view. The ripple of water on the surface sparkled in the bright sunlight like someone splashed diamonds all over it.
It was the warmth of her hands over mine that returned my focus to her.
“Lana, come on, you can talk to me. I’m not interested in this silence over something that’s uber clear. You still love him. I see it as clear as day. I think what you need to acknowledge is that seventeen years have passed. You are like the queen and no one can have any kind of hold on you ever again. Even if you were Lana O’Connor you’d still be great. You can have anything you want, why not go after the guy you lost.”
I sighed. “I don’t know Georgie. It’s complicated. Big time. What Kathy O’Shea did to me was so awful. It was so mean and vicious. What made me take that plunge to go was feeling like I wasn’t good enough for Ryan.” I pressed my lips together. “I felt like my life was the one that was damaged with the loss of my mother and I shouldn’t damage his too. I didn’t want to feel like I robbed him of a better life, without me.”
“You can’t know what his life would have been like. Same as you can’t know what yours would have been like. But you have now…you have the time now to change things if you want to.”
I held her gaze. “I shouldn’t want to. Georgie, I appreciate the talk but realistically I just want to see what’s going on here and get home. Get back to my life how it should be.” Without Ryan.
With an exasperated sigh, she gave me a little nod. “Okay, well… as per usual girl, if you want to talk I’m here. I’m all ears.”
“Thank you. It totally means a lot. “
* * *
Detective Gracen was a thin wiry looking man with a good-natured smile.
He reminded me of Dick Van Dyke with his thick rimmed glasses. He looked a little like him too. I guessed he was in his mid-sixties but he could have been younger, it was just that his hair was a mixture of white and silver strands.
Georgie and I arrived at the station about ten minutes ago. We were early but he agreed to see us straightaway.
His office was the standard detective’s office with filing cabinets, shelves, a cluttered desk with stacks of paperwork he’d shoved to the side to make room for his meeting with us, and a mug of coffee.
He sat before us in a leatherback office chair and leaned forward on to his desk with that smile.
“I’m very happy to meet you both.” He looked from me to Georgie. “May I call you Miss D’Angelo, or is Lana okay?”
“You can call me Lana.” I told him with a smile.
“Ahh, well that’s even better. Now it’s like I know you. You can call me Robert or Detective Gracen, but I hope you won’t know me long enough to feel like you know me.”
I brought my hands together and tensed. That didn’t sound good.
“Okay. That sounds a little off key.” I hoped I didn’t sound rude.
“I know. It’s just my way. Forty years on the force and you realize there’s little point making small talk in certain situations.” He steepled his fingers and gazed full on at me. “Lana, my area of specialty is unsolved cases. When a death has too many questions or it’s been labelled as suicide, it comes to me. I didn’t really want to go through too much on the phone with you the other day. One, because there isn’t a lot to go through, and two because this is the kind of case where we could dig up a lot of memories or cause painful emotional experiences.”
“I understand.” I did, I just wished I could be as strong as I was normally. I never went to the police station the last time, it was Mr. O’Shea. He had to deal with all of it. It was him who called me and told me what happened. That was painful enough getting the second-hand experience.
“Good. Now, your mother’s case is exactly like that. From time to time we do a review of these cases, especially with the rise of modern technology. It helps us give answers we couldn’t find way back when. In your mother’s case we found an additional document from the coroner’s office that wasn’t filed with the final autopsy reports. We can’t explain why, but it’s something that needs to be looked into. That is what we are doing now.”
“What did it say?” I asked.
He gave me a light chuckle. “My dear girl I’m afraid that is where the scie
ntific world and the police world blur for me. My part in this is to reopen the investigation based on finding additional documentation, and speaking with friends, family and employers about it. That part is just formality so everyone is aware that I may need to speak to them further. Some people will probably be questioned.”
“Questioned? You’ll be questioning people?” That did sound curious.
“When a case is reopened we do everything that we need to, and go over what we did in the original investigation. If we find something that requires clarification and we need to speak to a specific person or people then we go through the formal manner of questioning.”
I swallowed hard. “Do you think you’ll find something? I mean… I know it’s … I know you can’t answer that but I feel like there must be some element of suspicion here that there could be more.”
His gaze clung to mine. “Lana, I can’t answer that right now. I will say that it’s in my nature to be suspicious and a document that wasn’t included in the original reports is a little suspicious. But that is me, and all I will say at this time. It could however very easily turn out to be something as simple as a fault on our part or at the coroners office. The document and the records on it have to be investigated through the correct processes to ensure everything is filed and classified in the appropriate manner.” He paused and inclined his head to the side. “I won’t know much more until the report comes back from the labs and only then will I know what exactly to do next, based on the suggestions.”
I glanced at Georgie and she took my hand.
“Thank you, thanks for your explanation. I think I just want answers too. I don’t know why she would have killed herself.” The words caught in my throat and the backs of my eyes stung. “But I accept it. I accept that’s what happened. I just wish I could have done something… more.”
“Of course. That is completely understandable. Lana, I know you’ve been asked this before, but in the days leading to her death did you see anything that may have alarmed you. Maybe her behavior changed, or reactions. Or even anyone new hanging around.”
I shook my head. “There was no one. My mother kept herself to herself. She wasn’t even dating anybody and didn’t have many friends. If she was she didn’t tell me. I remember two days before she was crying.”
“Did you speak to her?”
“Yes. She told me she was worried about my aunt. She was a drug addict and my mom spent her earnings on her, trying to bail her out. It wasn’t unusual for her to spend thousands. I figured maybe she’d just had enough of it. She was supposed to be saving for my college expenses. We were always sort of on the breadline because of my aunt. My mom was the kind of person who would worry something would happen if she didn’t help. So she helped and helped.” That was Mama. That was how she was.
“Where is your aunt now?”
That was a good question. A damn good one. Again I shook my head. “I have no idea.”
Aunt Larissa was nowhere to be found when I needed her. Of course she was the first person I’d thought of turning to when Mrs. O’Shea kicked me out, except I couldn’t find her anywhere. The number we had for her just rang out to voicemail.
I knew she knew what had happened to Mama and I figured she was dodging having to take care of me. The only person who would have called her the way I had was me.
She lived in Jacksonville and I’d hoped I could stay with her for a little while, but it was a no go.
“Okay. That’s all I have for you today. If you think of anything you think I’d find useful call me, even if you think it may not mean anything, just let me know.”
“Yes, I will absolutely do that.”
“Are you going back to L.A. anytime soon?”
“No, I’ll be here.”
My work in L.A. could wait.
Everything could wait. Somehow, deep inside, something stirred. A feeling in my gut that told me Detective Gracen had more than a mere suspicion that he’d deemed a matter of formality.
Something told me it was more than that.
Chapter 9
Ryan
“Dad, you should have seen me,” Jack said with so much excitement his little cheeks flushed with it. “It was like being in a real game. Like on tv. I was so fast.”
“Wow, that sounds unreal.” I chuckled looking him over in his tracksuit. This kid was something else. He’d been training this morning and here he was again getting ready to practice with Todd, his equally football-obsessed friend.
It was Sunday afternoon, most kids would be watching tv or playing around with their toys. Not mine.
Five years old and it seemed like Jack had found the thing he loved most in life.
I’d played football up until the end of high school. I loved the game, but I was pretty certain I wasn’t anything like Jack at his age.
I guess though that maybe he took after his father, whoever that was.
I hated having thoughts like that.
He was my boy whether DNA called the shots or not. The same blood didn’t have to run through our veins to make him mine.
“Dad, you are coming to the game next week right? You won’t be busy?” He gave me that worried look he usually sported when he thought I was going to say no to something. It had gotten more prominent after I’d moved out, and definitely occurred a lot more since the divorce.
“You know I will be there little man,” I promised. Didn’t matter how busy I was, I never missed his games or anything to do with him and I wouldn’t start doing it now.
“Yesss.” He squeaked, jumping up and down.
I laughed. “Hey, if you jump like that you may throw up.”
“I’m fine. I’m so excited.”
A car horn sounded, signaling his ride had arrived. That was Barry, Todd’s father. Barry used to play for the L.A. Gladiators and had assumed the unofficial role of little league coach.
“See you Dad.” Jack barely looked at me, he just ran through the kitchen and left in the cloud of excitement that took him.
When I heard the front door close, the seriousness of why I’d come here today came back to me. I visited Jack at least once a week, or he came to spend the weekend with me. It was all unofficial at the moment but I wanted to make it official.
Just like I knew she would, she came into the kitchen a few seconds after Jack left.
When I looked at her my mind went back seventeen years, actually further than that.
I think I’d gotten up to every sin in the book with her. The asshole I was back then was with her because she was easy, and the asshole that came back to haunt me after I found Lana sought refuge in her.
It was a stupid drunken mistake that led me here. I fell right into the trap she set for me that night I came back from L.A after finding Lana.
It was the night I decided to let Lana go. Let go in my heart. She’d moved on and I knew I had to do the same.
That night I went to a bar drunk off my face and fell straight into Tiffany’s little trap. At that point I hadn’t been with her for close to thirteen years. All the times she’d seen me when I was with Lana she’d always given me that seething glare. Then after Lana left she tried to get with me several times.
I always told her no. Not that time, however. The time when it counted the most.
Because boy did she ever ensnare me. I didn’t know that Tiffany was already a month pregnant when I slept with her and she planned to get with me because I could give her a better life.
Fuck, was I ever screwed.
She tucked a strand of her platinum blond hair behind her ear and came closer.
“I figured you’d want to spend some alone time with him,” she stated and pulled out a chair to sit next to me.
I rested against the back of my chair and looked at her. Time to get down to business.
“I want to arrange visitation rights with Jack. I want to do it properly.”
Instantly she looked hurt and she straightened up. “Why? Why do you need to do that? You see him en
ough don’t you?”
“Tiffany, this is something I want done properly. If you meet some guy and remarry I don’t want to get left in the wind, on the outside looking in. I was hoping you’d make this smooth by agreeing.”
“Agreeing to allow you to just see him? So that’s it Ryan?”
I narrowed my eyes at her wondering if she really hadn’t taken in the full picture of what went down with us.
“I don’t think it’s wise to drag Jack through court with our problems.” I held out my palms. “The divorce was bad enough and hard on him. It became hard from when I moved out.”
“So move back in.” She brought her hands up to her chests and laced her fingers together. “Give me a chance, give us a chance.”
Oh God. I didn’t know why she had to do this to herself.
A glint of hope sparked within her eyes in anticipation of my answer. As if I was really going to say yes.
“Tiffany… do you realize what you did to me?” I lifted my chin higher so I could glare at her.
“Of course and I’m sorry. Ryan we were good together, we always were. I’ve known you forever and you know me. You know I love you. I never screwed around while we were married.”
I balled my fists on the countertop because I actually knew that for a lie. I knew of at least one time where she’d been unfaithful. It was someone at her workplace. Carson, who was probably the only friend I had left from high school told me he saw her making out with her boss. They were at a dinner party at the Double Tree. He’d told me he saw her go up to the pent house suite with him.
I seriously doubted that was to file paperwork.
I knew she was screwing around and I never mentioned it because of Jack. I foolishly didn’t want to destroy our family over what I thought might have been a one-time kind of thing. It was amazing that she could sit in front of me and lie.
“I’m not getting back together, Tiffany. I’m not.”
She frowned. “It seemed like we were getting on well last week.”
“I’m trying for Jack’s sake. I need to move past this part of my life and get back on track. I don’t want you calling me or making these impromptu visits to the office with hope that we’re getting back together. We’ve been divorced for eight months and it’s time to move on.”
Back To You Page 8