“Don’t give me that!”
“What?”
“This I’m-just-a-poor-demented-klepto crap. Stealing was the least of your problems, Kimberlee. And I should have realized it a long time ago.”
Something must have changed in my voice, because Kimberlee stared silently up at me for a long time. “I wasn’t very nice to her. We talked about this already.”
“No, it was more than that. You did everything you could to sabotage her. You can’t stand to hear me talk about her. You hate her. Why?”
“I just do. Some people rub you the wrong way and—”
“Why!” I shouted.
Her lips pressed into a straight line and her hands found her hips as if pulled by a magnet. “Because some people just need to be brought down a peg,” Kimberlee said, sneering. “She thinks she’s so good, so above everyone else. I heard her bragging one day how she was stoned the day she tried out for cheer. And she still made it. That’s how superior she thinks she is. And she believes it so much, everyone else started believing it, too! Even you. But I know what she did. I know who she really is. She let someone die, Jeff!” Kimberlee laughed, a short, scoffing breath. “And she can blame it on drugs all she wants, but it’s an act. Everything, everyone in this town is acting. And you’re fooled by all of them. You think everyone’s so genuine. But it’s all just fake. Everyone is cold and bitter and fake! Just like me,” she finished in a whisper.
But I was already shaking my head. “No, that’s why you hate yourself. Maybe she was like that once, but she’s changed. She learned how to be better and you can’t accept that. You want her to be like you.”
“She is like me,” Kimberlee shouted. “You just can’t see it. Nobody just changes like that. Not really. She’s still a messed-up druggie on the inside. I hate her, she’s a bitch, end of story.”
“So what’s the beginning of the story?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Why her? Of all the cheerful little freshmen you could decide to warp—why her?”
Her eyes darted away and I knew I’d hit it. “She bugged me—do I need a reason?”
“Why!”
“Shut up!”
“Why!” I yelled so loudly, I was sure our neighbors were going to call the cops soon.
“He adored her the way he would never adore me, okay?” Kimberlee shouted. She sat back on the bed. “After Preston left, what did Khail do? Started hanging out with his sister twenty-four seven,” she said, scoffing. “And I saw how nice he could be—how careful he was with her. Defended her, protected her, and I hated that I would never have that.”
“She’s his sister, Kimberlee. It’s what brothers do.”
“Not all brothers. Her brother. She gets everything she wants in life. Waltzed right onto the cheer squad, got off easy when her friend died—rehab? Please. On top of that, after years of stealing, she’s still the only person who ever caught me. What is she, Superwoman? It’s not fair. She needed to be dropped down a few notches and I took care of it.”
“Took care of it? You beat her up. You made her life hell. You chopped off her hair—after Khail asked you to leave her alone. Put his secret on the line to get you to stop. That’s not bringing her down—that’s stomping her into the ground for your own amusement. What is wrong with you?”
“What is wrong with you? What, did she finally let you screw her? That’s the only thing that makes guys act like this.”
I looked straight into her eyes, refusing to yield. “No, Kimberlee, it’s not. I don’t need that from her to see who she is. A girl who’s decent and kind and works hard for what she wants in life. Who doesn’t manipulate anyone she thinks can help her, or sabotage whoever gets in her way. A girl I may have lost because I fell for your act.”
“Oh, come on. You think she didn’t sleep around? Let’s just put it this way; I would need to take my shoes off to count how many guys she slept with her freshman year. That’s what really gets you. You’ve made Sera out to be this paradigm of perfection, but in the end, she’s just like me.”
“She’s nothing like you,” I said through gritted teeth as the twisted truth of her words rocked through me. “Not anymore. She let that life go. She moved on, Kimberlee. Something you obviously can’t do. Not alive or dead. And maybe, even if you can’t see it, that’s why you hate her.” I turned away before I could start yelling again, and headed toward the door. My hand was on the knob when I realized something and looked over my shoulder at Kimberlee. “You’re not stuck here because of the stuff you stole. You’re here because nothing and no one in the universe wants you.”
Thirty
I GAVE THE WOODEN STAKE one more good pound and stood to survey my work. My arms and back hurt from swinging the hammer, but I’d finished early enough to beat the sun going down. I looked up at the dark gray clouds and hoped they would wait just a few more minutes before dumping on me. After two deep, calming breaths I grabbed the last poster, holding it against my chest as I dialed Sera’s number on my cell phone.
“I don’t want to talk to you, Jeff.” Beep.
Yeah, I was afraid of that.
I texted her instead, hoping she’d be curious enough to read it. Please, just come look out your window.
Two minutes passed, then three. After five minutes I was sure this wasn’t going to work. Then I saw her face peek over the windowsill. She stared down at the signs I’d pounded into the lawn; her eyes took in each one slowly. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t have yelled. I take it all back. I’m a total jerk. I’m not worthy. (I swear I saw a tiny smile when her eyes focused on that one.) Please forgive me. I feel terrible. Finally her eyes reached me. My heart was pounding as I turned the last poster board around and held it up to her.
I Love You.
She stared at it for a long time.
Then the window opened. “I’m sorry,” I yelled before she could speak. “I didn’t know, but it shouldn’t have mattered. I should have supported you, no matter what. You always trusted me, and I didn’t trust you enough.” I held my sign up higher. “I mean it,” I yelled. “I won’t let you down again. I promise.”
Sera didn’t say anything for a long time, but finally her eyes lifted to meet mine. The gray sky chose that moment to start raining. Great. But I didn’t move as small splatters began to pepper my face. Then, without a word, she backed away and closed the window. I let the sign fall and watched as the rain made the colorfully markered words run in small trickles down the poster board. I looked around at my other signs. They looked equally pathetic.
It was a dumb idea anyway.
I had just started pulling up the soggy signs when I heard the door open. Sera stood in the doorway in a light green tank top. As long as I live I don’t think I’ll ever forget that sight. She’d obviously done some crying after I left and her face had been washed of all traces of makeup. Her hair was down and curled around her almost-bare shoulders.
She walked across the lawn in her bare feet and came to stand in front of me. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I—”
“Shhh.” She touched a soft finger to my lips. “I love you, too,” she said, standing on her toes to press her lips to mine.
I dropped the signs and held her to me. In that moment, nothing else mattered: not the rain, my wet clothes, and especially not Kimberlee. I didn’t care what had happened in Sera’s past; I loved her for who she was now. The person she’d chosen to be. I sighed as her body melded to mine, her curves soft against my chest.
“Come inside,” she whispered.
Somehow we managed to get up the stairs without breaking contact. We were both breathing hard when I shut her bedroom door. “You’re wet,” she said. Her eyes held mine, and she lifted the bottom of my T-shirt and pulled it upward. I raised my arms and let her peel the wet fabric from my skin. She ran her hands over my bare chest and down my arms. Then she took my hands and placed them at the base of her own shirt and raised her arms over her head.
I wanted this more than I could remember ever wanting anything in my life. But although I’d come prepared for everything a good apology could possibly need—I even had chocolates in my car as backup—I hadn’t come prepared for it to work quite this well. I looked down at Sera, her eyes wide, a smile crossing her face.
In that moment I think I understood my father more than I ever had before. I wanted to do what he’d done with my mom; throw caution to the wind for the girl I loved. I leaned down to kiss Sera again, clinging desperately to that momentary disregard for any and all consequences.
And for half a minute it almost worked. But I wouldn’t make her go through what my mother had. I couldn’t even chance it. “Sera?”
“Mmmm?” Her hands drifted lower and for a second I forgot what I’d been about to say.
“I can’t,” I gasped, and it felt like I was tearing my own arm off. “I didn’t bring . . . I don’t have—”
“Shhh.” Again those soft fingers touched my lips. “It’s okay.”
She turned from me to dig behind her bed and brought out a small wooden box. She opened it to reveal a colorful display of tiny packages that meant only one thing to me—permission. I understood at that moment that Kimberlee was right; Sera wasn’t the innocent I had imagined her to be.
And I realized I didn’t care.
I let everything else in the world float away.
I had to work at driving home within the speed limit. For some reason my mind kept wandering and every time it did, my foot sank to the floor. The third time I looked down to find myself twenty over the limit, I slammed on the brakes and pulled over. I had to calm down a little.
I looked up into the rearview mirror and was surprised by how flushed my face still was. And the more I studied it, the redder it got.
It was more than sex. I hadn’t lost Sera; I’d found a way to get her back. I was through letting this misguided fate idea run my life. Today I chose Sera, not Kimberlee. It didn’t matter that I was the only one who could see her; you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to change. What I could do was give Sera and me a decent chance at something we both wanted. Isn’t that what life is about?
When I hit the garage-door opener I discovered that sometime in the last few hours, my parents had come home. Great. All the calming I’d done on the side of the road immediately went away.
I tried to sneak through the kitchen and up to my room, but my mom and dad were both still sitting having after-dinner coffee. “Jeff, you missed dinner,” my mom said. “I texted you.”
Damn.
“Where’ve you been?”
“Just out,” I said, turning from them to hang up my keys.
“You’re wet,” Mom pressed.
“Yeah, I, uh, got caught in the rain.”
They both looked at me for a long time. “It stopped raining two hours ago, Jeff.”
“Yeah, well . . .”
“You’ve been driving around wearing wet clothes for two hours?”
Well, Dad, I wouldn’t exactly say I’ve been wearing them. I said nothing.
He looked at me a second longer. “Your hair’s dry.”
Oh crap. “I gotta go change,” I muttered, and turned toward the stairs.
“Well, it’s your choice,” my mom said cheerfully. “We can have this conversation in wet clothes or in dry. I guess I’d rather be comfortable if I were you, too.” She smiled at me, but she was wearing her Mom face. I looked down, uncertain for just a moment that there weren’t big letters across my chest that said I had sex. But it was just my faded blue T-shirt. “Come back down when you’ve changed,” she said. “I saved some dinner for you.”
Now that I thought about it, I was starving.
I took the stairs two at a time, then hesitated outside my door, wondering if she was in there. I hadn’t actually asked her to leave, but I’d made myself pretty damn clear, hadn’t I? I turned the knob very quietly and poked my head in.
No Kimberlee on my bed. No Kimberlee on the beanbags. I closed the door and searched my room. No Kimberlee in my closet. No Kimberlee in my bathroom.
No Kimberlee.
I went straight for my food as soon as I got back downstairs and tried not to look at anyone as I shoved big bites into my mouth.
They waited a few minutes while I cleared most of my plate.
“So,” my dad started. “Where’ve you been?”
I gulped. “At Sera’s.”
“All afternoon?”
“No, we got into a fight and I left for a little while. But other than that, yeah.”
“So you got wet when you left?”
“Pretty much.”
“And then you sat around Sera’s house in wet clothes for two hours?”
I squirmed. “Kind of.”
My parents shared a long look.
“Or maybe you spent two hours sitting around Sera’s house without your wet clothes on?” Mom said.
“It could have happened that way, too.” I think my voice cracked.
“Jeff, be serious. Are you and Sera having sex?” That question sounded so dire coming from my dad.
“Having might be a bit of an overstatement,” I said to my plate.
“Just today?”
This was so bad. “Um, yeah.”
“Jeff.” Disappointment dripped from my mom’s voice.
That was too much. “What? You say that like you waited.”
“Jeff.” A clear warning from Dad.
“Well, it’s true.” I worked hard to keep my voice sincere, not sarcastic. “I’m not trying to be a smart-ass. You guys did it, too; does it really surprise you?”
“I had hoped you would learn from our mistakes,” my dad said.
“I did. We . . . we were careful.”
“Define careful.”
“We used protection, Dad. Okay?”
“At least that’s something.”
I took a few breaths to calm down. I didn’t want this to be a fight; I wanted them to understand. And if anyone could understand, it would be my parents. “I love her, Dad. I do.” My dad started to speak, but I cut him off. “Maybe I don’t love her the way you loved Mom; maybe it’s just, uh, a crush or whatever you’re going to say. But I love her and you can’t tell me I don’t.”
My dad’s mouth closed.
“I thought about you. I did. Just before . . . well, just before. I didn’t have anything with me, and I was ready to stop. I told her we had to stop, and I would have,” I said, looking up and meeting his eyes again.
“Why didn’t you?”
“She . . . was prepared.”
“Ah, a good Girl Scout.” Mom hid her smile behind her coffee cup and coughed when Dad glared at her.
“That’s not the point, son—”
“It is the point, Dad. You taught me to wait for the right time and the right person, and then to use protection and not leave my life up to chance. That’s what I did. I’m still kind of young, I know. But I’m six months older than you were when you met Mom. And you married her! You’ve been married for over fifteen years. Were you wrong?” I asked.
My dad stared at me for a long time before sliding his gaze over to Mom. “No, Jeff, I wasn’t wrong.” He turned back to me with his mouth set in a hard line. “But condoms are not a hundred percent. If you’re not ready to stand by her and do what it takes, don’t do it again. Promise?”
I worked to suppress a grin. “I promise.”
Thirty-One
I DIDN’T SEE KIMBERLEE AT all the next day. I saw a lot of Sera, but not K
imberlee. Sera still seemed stressed and wouldn’t say why, but after yesterday, I stopped worrying. Whatever was going on, she would make the right choice. I’d learned that trust isn’t always something someone earns; it’s a choice you make. Kimberlee taught me that in her caustic, demented way.
It was weird. This whole time I had been assuming that Kimberlee was supposed to learn something from me, but maybe I was supposed to learn something from her.
But where did that leave Kimberlee?
On Thursday morning I walked into school and Kimberlee was lying on the floor in the middle of the hallway again. I was gripped by a twisting sense of déjà vu and had to stop myself from yelling out when a girl in platform heels walked straight toward her. Kimberlee didn’t move an inch, but I cringed as that black shoe sank through her face.
“Bitch,” Kimberlee said quietly.
The girl looked quizzically down at her foot for a moment, then tossed her hair over her shoulder and kept walking.
I was trying to decide if I should go say something when I felt Sera’s warm hand slip into mine.
“Hey.” She smiled at me with those green eyes that made me want to find an empty classroom . . . now.
Decision made—I walked past Kimberlee without even looking down. I didn’t feel eyes on my back; apparently she was ignoring me, too. Waiting for a new destiny, maybe—though who knows what someone else would help her with. There was nothing left in the cave; no unfinished business left to get her out of limbo.
Still, it was weird not to talk to her, or even acknowledge her. We were two people whose lives had revolved around each other, now drifting apart. I think maybe I even missed her. When she wasn’t being crude, mean, sarcastic, or cruel, she was kind of fun to have around.
Friday morning I made up my mind to talk to her. I had everything—I had Sera, my parents, even some friends back home that I still texted sometimes. Kimberlee had no one but me. And like it or not, I still felt obliged to try to help her. If nothing else, to get her finally and completely out of my life.
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