Is This It?

  ‘Is he fit?’ Susie asked.

  ‘He’s so fit. They have sex all the time. The cleaner found a cock ring by the bed last week.’

  ‘Shut up!’

  ‘I know! If Rakhee gets bored with him, I might just jump in. You never know, I could be the future Mrs Langdon.’

  They carried on talking, but all I could hear was Langdon. Jamie – my ex-fiancé who left me on a whim last year – Langdon.

  I walked quickly back inside to the same bathroom, where I closed the same door and promptly threw up.

  If there was ever a time to find inner peace, this was it.

  30

  I had thought about what it would be like to bump into Jamie. I’d pictured myself walking arm-in-arm with Scott; I’d be in some stylish new outfit – probably paid for by my mother – and we’d be laughing uncontrollably. I’d see Jamie on the other side of the street, and I’d calmly walk over and smile. We’d make polite conversation, he would shake Scott’s hand, then he’d tell me he’d recently purchased a one-way ticket to Mongolia.

  But he wasn’t moving to Mongolia; he was very much in London. And I wasn’t calm; I was radioactive.

  After sitting on the toilet seat contemplating how on earth it was possible that my ex-fiancé was having casual sex with my pupil’s mother, I messaged Scott to cancel dinner. I told him that Mia had asked me to help her prepare a scene for a TV audition she had the next day. Scott asked why Noah couldn’t help. I said that he was away shooting a TV advert for hair loss in Manchester. I don’t know why I made the lie so specific. He called me right away.

  ‘I wanted to see you,’ he said. ‘I felt distant from you last night.’

  ‘I know, I’m sorry.’

  ‘I haven’t heard from you today.’

  ‘You know I can’t message in school. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  ‘How did it go today then? Did you smash it?’

  ‘Not quite. I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow.’

  After getting off the phone with Scott I messaged Dan and Mia. ‘This is an emergency. I need to see you both tonight. Involves Jamie.’

  ‘It’s bad, isn’t it?’ I said to them.

  We were sitting in Mia’s kitchen, two bottles of wine down.

  ‘I think we need to move on to spirits,’ Dan said.

  Mia went into the freezer and got out a bottle of vodka. She slammed it down on the table, got three shot glasses out from the drinks cabinet, and poured us each a double measure.

  ‘So, he’s having sex with the mother. It’s fine. You’re with Scott! You’re happy. You’re fine,’ Dan said.

  ‘I’m far from fine.’

  ‘You’re right. I think we need to go “out out”.’

  ‘No, I have class tomorrow with Dawn. She has it in for me already.’

  ‘It’s clearly just a fling. It’s not like he’s going to be doing the school run, is he?’

  ‘Fuck,’ I said. ‘What if he starts doing the school run?’

  ‘Ivy, don’t be so ridiculous. This is Jamie we’re talking about.’

  ‘Why does he have to rear his perfectly chiselled face now?’

  ‘I always said he was a cunt,’ Dan said.

  ‘I need more vodka – and cigarettes.’

  I grabbed the pack on the table and went outside to the garden. I was kicking a plant pot when Anna called, asking how the observation had gone.

  ‘It sounds like you did the best you could,’ she said, after I’d told her everything.

  ‘I ran away from the nanny and vomited in the bathroom.’

  ‘Are you smoking?’

  ‘How can you tell I’m smoking on the phone? What is wrong with you?’

  ‘You shouldn’t be smoking. Where are you?’

  ‘I’m at Mia’s with Dan.’

  ‘Ivy, it’s a school night.’

  ‘Can you try to sympathise with me for just one second, please? This is Jamie we’re talking about – the man I had planned my future with.’

  ‘You can’t get wasted and turn up late to class again.’

  ‘That happened once when the Tube broke down!’

  ‘Be an adult, Ivy.’

  ‘Goodbye, Anna.’

  I hung up the phone, finished off the cigarette, and went back inside.

  Mia and Dan had moved to the living room, where they were putting on cleansing masks – a rejuvenating Juniper Berry made with love by Patricia, Mia’s Professional Spell Caster and Experienced Spiritual Healer. It was meant to induce positive energy, so they lathered it all over my face and neck. She’d obviously been practising because it smelt far better than the last one, which was how I’d imagine the inside of a dead camel to smell. I let it dry as I cwtched Dan on the sofa while Mia sat beside us on an exercise ball, Martini in hand, doing the odd sit-up.

  ‘Today was the hardest day of my entire life,’ I said.

  ‘Was it really?’ Dan said.

  ‘Harder than when Jamie broke up with you five minutes after you’d had sex?’ Mia said.

  ‘Harder than when you saw him snogging that really fit woman on the street a few weeks later?’ Dan said.

  ‘Can you both be quiet for five minutes, please?’

  ‘It’s important to keep perspective,’ Dan said.

  ‘Why does everyone keep saying that.’

  After class the next day, Dawn asked me to stay behind to speak with her. She was wearing a T-shirt that read ‘Big Uterus Energy’ on the front. If I was wearing a T-shirt, the slogan would read: ‘Is This It?’

  ‘Take a seat,’ she said.

  She got out some liquid from her drawer and poured it into her vape, before taking a long inhale. I tried to suppress the urge to vomit. I got home at 2 a.m. and woke up five hours later with the curtains wide open and a wedge of cheddar cheese on the bedside table. I cursed myself as I ran into the shower. I told myself this was the last time. I wasn’t going to let Jamie get to me. I was fine. I was happy. This positivity lasted all of three minutes before I had a meltdown on the bus watching a YouTube clip of John Legend performing at his dog’s wedding ceremony.

  ‘How are you doing, Ivy?’ Dawn asked. ‘You seem anxious.’

  ‘It’s been a long week.’

  ‘Let’s talk about it.’

  She implored me to go on with her silent, deathly stare.

  ‘I had my first observation yesterday.’

  ‘I know, I’ve spoken with Mr Reid.’

  My heart sank as I pictured them having animated discussions about how useless I was.

  ‘She’d be an appalling teacher,’ Mr Reid would say.

  ‘Hideous,’ Dawn would add.

  ‘Have you taken the opportunity to reflect on some of the things that worked or didn’t work?’ Dawn asked me.

  No, I thought to myself; I’ve been too busy reflecting on the fact that my ex-fiancé is trying to ruin my life again.

  ‘You know the most important thing during teacher training is teaching and classroom progression. These observations are crucial in reviewing and monitoring progress.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘They can be stressful.’

  ‘It was – very.’

  ‘Mr Reid said he thinks you might be struggling to find your own voice in the classroom. Would you agree with him?’

  ‘Yes, of course I’d agree. He does so much by instinct. I don’t know how to do that.’

  ‘Be confident in yourself and your abilities, Ivy.’

  ‘I was until Amit started planking.’

  ‘Mr Reid said that you brought some great creative ideas of your own to the session. You should be proud of that.’

  I picked at the skin around my thumb.

  ‘Don’t look so defeated,’ she said.

  ‘It’s been a long week.’

  ‘You said. Why don’t you go home and get an early night?’

  I got up from my seat and said goodbye.

  ‘It gets easier,’ she said.

  Teacher training or life?


  The tears came the moment I walked out the door. I put my head down and walked out of the building as fast as I could, all the way home.

  When I got home, I ran a hot bath. I thought about confidence and self-belief and Jamie and Scott. There were sirens going off in my head and I didn’t know how to stop them. Why had this hit me so hard? I was meant to be happy. I sank deeper into the bath, letting the water wash over me. When I resurfaced, I heard the doorbell go.

  I got out of the bath and swathed myself in a warm towel. When I opened the door, Scott was smiling right at me. I said hello and leant in to kiss him.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ he said.

  ‘Good,’ I lied.

  He followed me into the kitchen. I heard him mutter something, I asked him to repeat it. He started tidying up the papers on the kitchen table instead.

  ‘Please don’t do that,’ I said.

  ‘Where are we going to eat?’ he asked.

  ‘I’ll tidy them up in a second. Let me do it, please.’

  I went into the bedroom to put some clothes on. When I got back into the kitchen, he was wiping the table down.

  ‘Scott, what did I just ask you?’

  ‘You said not to touch the papers, so I’m cleaning the surfaces.’

  ‘Why do you need to clean anything at all? It’s not dirty.’

  ‘It’s messy.’

  ‘Yes, but it’s my mess.’

  ‘Why are you being so defensive?’

  ‘Because every time you come over you start cleaning up. It’s like being in the classroom with Mr Reid. It’s doing my head in.’

  ‘I’m trying to be helpful. I know you hate tidying.’

  ‘You like living in your show home. I like living in my organised mess.’

  ‘What’s wrong? Why are you so angry?’

  ‘I’m not angry. I find it a bit controlling, that’s all.’

  ‘Is everything OK?’

  ‘I’m tired.’

  ‘Yeah, because you drank too much wine with Mia last night.’

  ‘No, I’m tired because my job has taken over my life.’

  He didn’t say anything.

  ‘I’ve got enough on my plate without your sarcastic comments about my flat and my drinking.’

  ‘Sarcastic comments? Wow, OK.’

  ‘And whilst we’re at it, stop trying to plan everything. You never ask me what I want to do.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘The other day, with the risotto. I didn’t want a risotto.’

  ‘Well, aren’t I an arsehole?’

  ‘You’re not an arsehole. I want to have a say sometimes, that’s all.’

  ‘I try to plan things so that you don’t have to – because you’re too tired to.’

  ‘Fine, whatever.’

  ‘Why are you being like this?’

  ‘I’m not being like anything.’

  ‘You clearly don’t want me here.’

  I sat down on the sofa and looked down at the floor.

  ‘I knew you were going to fuck this up,’ Dilys said. ‘You’re not ready for a relationship. It’s too much, you can’t handle it.’

  I looked at Scott.

  ‘This is too much,’ I said.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I can’t do it.’

  ‘Can’t do what?’

  ‘Maybe we shouldn’t see each other any more.’

  ‘Are you being serious?’

  ‘We’ve both got a lot on and the timing’s not right.’

  He looked like he was about to lose it. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. He stormed out of the room.

  ‘This is bullshit,’ he said, grabbing his coat. ‘Call me when you grow up.’

  I heard the front door slam. I crumpled down to the floor and let the tears come.

  ‘Should’ve placed a bet on that,’ Dilys said.

  31

  When I was in my first year of university, Anna came to stay for the night. It was Mother’s Day that weekend, so the plan was to go out on Saturday and drive home for Sunday lunch the next day. Anna was doing an internship at a child protection lawyers and needed to blow off some steam, so we went to Sweet Escapes: an airless, grimy club where the dregs of society went after midnight. It was a stalwart on the Bristol club scene, and a superb night out. We shared a pill and spent the night glued to each other on the dance floor, sweating profusely as we necked bottles of water to keep ourselves hydrated. When we got back to halls, Luke was up, smoking a joint. I went to bed, but Anna stayed up with him, sharing a spliff and drinking cheap vodka. We missed our alarms the next morning, and when I finally woke just before noon, Anna was nowhere to be seen. I found her asleep on the bathroom floor. She’d vomited in the bath.

  We were four hours late for lunch. We had to stop on the motorway for Anna to be sick again. When we arrived home, Mam opened the door and burst into tears, before fleeing upstairs. We walked into the kitchen to find Gramps, sitting with his arms crossed.

  ‘What time do you call this?’ he said.

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘You’re sorry, are you?’

  ‘I don’t know what else to say.’

  Anna ran over to the sink and splashed herself with cold water.

  ‘You’re a fucking disgrace,’ he said.

  We hung our heads low, as we awaited his wrath.

  ‘Your mother doesn’t have a mother. She can’t take hers out today and remind her how special and loved she is. But you’ve got a mother, don’t you? You could tell her how wonderful she is, how much you love her.’

  ‘Gramps—’

  ‘All you had to do was turn up on time, maybe buy some flowers, or a card. You couldn’t even do that.’

  ‘We’ve said sorry.’

  He got up and walked to the back door.

  ‘Don’t ever pull a stunt like this again, OK? You’ll understand when you’re mothers.’

  Mam didn’t speak to us that day. The next morning, we made brunch for her at home. We gave her a framed photo of the three of us with Gran, sitting on the beach when we were children. We apologised until we were blue in the face and told her it wouldn’t happen again.

  We were getting stuck into our Eggs Royale when Mam asked us to tell her the full story.

  ‘There’s nothing to tell,’ Anna said.

  ‘Come off it, I wasn’t born yesterday.’

  Anna and I looked down at our plates.

  I started to laugh.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ Anna said.

  ‘I’m remembering finding you on the bathroom floor, clutching a pillow, with a pile of sick in the bath.’

  ‘Ivy! You promised you wouldn’t say anything!’

  ‘I can’t believe you, Anna,’ Mam said. ‘Did you at least kiss any boys?’

  ‘Nah, too pissed.’

  ‘You have zero class. The pair of you.’

  After brunch, Gramps called.

  ‘Sorry for being so cross yesterday, Ives. Tamping, I was.’

  ‘You can’t just make up words, Gramps.’

  ‘Don’t push it, Ivy. You’re on thin ice as it is, mun. Listen, I’ll be round later for a cwtch, then we can go for a walk and a Knickerbocker Glory, joio?’

  I laughed. ‘Joio.’

  *

  I don’t know what time I fell asleep, but I woke just after three in the morning, my pillow soaked with tears. I reached for my phone, expecting him to have messaged, knowing that he wouldn’t have. I needed someone to tell me how to make it right. I needed Gramps to tell me how to make it right.

  I walked to Anna’s the next morning. I stopped off at the corner shop to say hello to Selim, who commented that I looked ‘like a sad dog’. It wasn’t the best start to the day.

  ‘Sometimes, I feel like I’ve fallen down a bottomless pit,’ I said to Anna, ‘and I’m scratching at the walls, screaming for help, but nobody can hear me. Or maybe they can, but they don’t want to help.’

  ‘You need one of those bracelets,’ Anna said,
‘but instead of “What Would Jesus Do?”, it would say, “What Would Gramps Do?”.’

  I took Eleanor’s hand in mine and kissed it. She started giggling. I kissed her rosy pink cheeks and told her I loved her.

  ‘I know that you’re feeling overwhelmed,’ Anna said, ‘and maybe if you’d have met Scott a few months ago, it might be easier to manage things. But he came into your life at a point when you were open to loving someone else. That means something.’

  ‘I can’t be all these things to all these people.’

  ‘If you’re referring to Mia and Dan, tell them to start being more supportive, or fuck off.’

  ‘I barely see you any more.’

  ‘You see us every week.’

  ‘It feels like less.’

  ‘You have to take responsibility for this. You must forget about Jamie.’

  ‘I have. I don’t want to be with him. I can’t believe I let him get into my head.’

  ‘Is there a part of you that didn’t want it to work with Scott?’

  ‘No, not at all.’

  ‘Can I be straight with you?’

  ‘You always are.’

  ‘You don’t think you deserve good things in life, so you self-sabotage.’

  I reflected on this for a moment. Anna watched me; then, like the shrewd lawyer she is, began to argue her case.

  ‘What about that guy you met over summer? Even after he undermined your teaching career, you still had sex with him. Why?’

  ‘Isn’t it obvious? I want to stop feeling so afraid.’

  ‘Yes, but not at the expense of your soul.’

  ‘OK, I’m sorry.’

  ‘Stop apologising. You can’t let your darker impulses get to you. You’ve worked so hard to get here, and now you’re pressing the self-destruct button all over again.’

  ‘I’m not pressing it. I’m hovering over it.’

  ‘Whatever you’re doing, stop it. It’s time to grow up, Ivy.’

  ‘I hate it when you get like this.’

  ‘I love it when I get like this.’

  I didn’t call Scott that day, or the next. Instead I sat by my phone, waiting for him to ring or text. He didn’t.

  On the way to school on Monday, Mam called.

  ‘You’re not getting any Christmas presents this year.’

  ‘Mam, it’s November.’

  ‘I’m donating in everyone’s name to a social enterprise in Iran.’