by Nora Phoenix
Dr. Baig now connected Lukos and Maiitsoh. But there had been another doctor who had worked at two companies, and that company possessed an unusual name as well. What if…?
His fingers flew over the keyboard again, Googling the meaning of Ulfur, the company Dr. Eastwood worked at before being employed by Lukos. What do you know? Úlfur was the Icelandic word for…wolf.
He gasped. It was all connected.
Lukos, Ulfur, and Maiitsoh were the same company, terminated and reborn to continue their work.
Lukos was behind the Melloni gene.
Oh god.
16
Palani carefully put the two cups of coffee in the car first, then walked back to get his messenger bag and placed it on the back seat. He’d already slipped behind the wheel when Enar called out to him, “Who says you’re driving?”
Palani merely smiled and closed the door, waiting for Enar to get in on the passenger side. “When you stop looking like you’re gonna keel over any minute, that’s when you get to drive. Now shut up and drink your coffee.”
Enar grumbled, but more out of habit than anything else, Palani thought. Enar still worked too hard, and it worried him. The man was rarely home, and when he was, he was exhausted. Two days ago, he’d fallen asleep during dinner, Palani catching him right before he would’ve face-planted into his plate. It wasn’t healthy not for himself but also not for their relationship. They barely had time to talk, even with everything that was happening. Something had to change, but Lidon seemed reluctant to bring it up.
Palani had hoped Enar moving in would help, that it would provide Enar with the affirmation he needed, but so far, it hadn’t changed much. Aside from Enar working too much, everything was good between him and Palani, and he seemed to have grown closer to Vieno as well. It was Lidon he still struggled with. Palani wanted to smack their heads together at times, these two, who had such a hard time talking to each other. How could Enar talk to Palani but struggle with Lidon, who was so trustworthy and honorable? Didn’t he realize the alpha wanted nothing more than to solve all his men’s problems? Maybe he should play interference again with them, though he wasn’t sure how to do it without either one of them blowing up at him for even trying.
“That’s something, huh, that whole True Alpha story?” he reverted to a safer subject. “Had you ever heard of it before?” He checked in the mirror to make sure Adar was still behind him. Hmm, he appeared to have brought someone else with him, judging by the second man in the passenger seat. No problem for Palani, who still felt watched often.
“No. Then again, my family was one that lost the ability to shift early on, and my father was never big on the old ways, to use Uncle Leland's term.”
“So what are your thoughts on that whole pack thing?” Palani asked, shooting a quick look sideways.
Enar looked pensive. “You can’t deny Lidon’s influence,” he said. “I knew he could influence me, but I reasoned it was because I'm a weak alpha. The fact that he can compel Grayson is almost unbelievable. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.”
“Same here. When Grayson first said he’d felt the power ripple through him as soon as he entered the gates of the ranch, I thought he was imagining things. I mean, the man is a writer, and his books are phenomenal, so I chalked it up to an overactive imagination.”
Enar chuckled. “Yeah, right? But not when Lucan confirmed it, ‘cause it was clear he wanted to deny it so badly but couldn’t do anything else but tell the truth. He’s not exactly a fan of his dad’s theories.” He was quiet for a bit, then added, “Do you sense it? The power they referred to when entering the gates?”
“I don’t know. I always feel something when coming home, but I associated that with you guys, with being happy and good emotions.”
Enar nodded. “Yeah.”
“Did Lidon say anything to you about the True Alpha thing?” Palani asked.
“No, but we haven’t really spoken since.”
Big surprise there, Palani thought. You couldn’t talk if you were never home. “What do you think?” he asked instead of voicing that thought.
“It sounds like science fiction, and yet I find myself believing it. I’ve seen how special Lidon is over the years, you know? His powers, his character… The legend of his grandfather’s last shift and death on the day he was born always fascinated me. As a doctor, I’m inclined to say it’s impossible that a newborn baby smiles or connects with his grandfather. And yet I want to believe it because it makes sense on a level I can’t even explain.”
Palani nodded. “I deal in facts, but there’s a power in these stories that's so real that I can’t reject them out of hand as legends or myths.” He hesitated, then decided to add at least a little more. “Uncle Leland’s stories about the old ways fascinated me, especially what he said about poly relationships, how inextricably linked the partners were. It helped me accept the reality of the four of us even more.”
Enar sighed, a sad sigh that broke Palani’s heart a little. “I guess,” was the noncommittal answer.
He’d let it go for now and focus on the reason for their trip. After his discovery that Maiitsoh and Lukos were linked, they’d immediately wanted to contact Melloni, but the scientist had called Enar before Palani even had a chance to explain his whole theory to his men to set up an appointment for the next day.
“Melloni said he had news for us?” Palani asked, since he hadn’t had the opportunity to ask Enar why Melloni had asked them to come down to his lab.
“Yes. He called me and said he had made a groundbreaking discovery that he didn’t want to share over the phone.”
“Did he hint at what that discovery was? Are we talking a cure?”
“He wouldn’t say, but I doubt that. He wouldn’t be able to find a cure until he knows for certain what the gene does and how it originated. My money is on him finding out more about either of those.”
“Hmm. That makes sense.”
“So what did you find out?” Enar asked.
“Do you mind waiting till we’re at Melloni’s? I have to tell him as well, so I might as well explain the whole thing once, since it’s rather complicated.”
“Sure. My brain is still struggling to wake up anyway,” Enar said and yawned as if on cue.
“I’m glad you could make the time to take this trip,” Palani couldn’t resist saying.
Enar sighed. “Passive-aggressive jabs are beneath you, Palani. You have something to say to me, come right out and say so. You never mince your words, so why start now?”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I worry about you, you know.”
Enar’s head turned sideways. “You worry about me?” he repeated, the incredulity clear.
Palani made sure his voice was soft when he spoke again. “You work too hard, Doc. You’re running yourself into the ground.”
He shot a quick look to the side. Enar rubbed his temples with his thumbs. “I know. It’s just that…”
He was silent for such a long time that Palani was about to say something when Enar finally spoke up again. “One reason is that the clinic I used to rent facilities from has canceled their contract with me, citing legal reasons. I’m now using another facility, but it’s not as well maintained, and I’m wasting a lot of time cleaning and preparing for each procedure. And it’s on the south side, so the commute is killing me.”
Palani let that information sink in. “It seems like an inefficient use of your time if you’re cleaning and sterilizing rooms,” he said carefully. “Couldn’t you hire someone to do that for you?”
“Sure, if I had the money. Most of my patients don’t have insurance, and even if they did, I can’t bill half the stuff I do because it’s illegal.”
Palani frowned. “But you sold your townhouse, right? When you moved in?”
“Yes. I used the money to update some of the equipment I need that the clinic doesn’t have. I operate at a loss, Palani. I always have.”
Palani had t
o admire the man’s ethics and generosity, but at the same time, he recognized this wasn’t a tenable strategy in the long term.
“You could ask—”
“I’m not asking Lidon for money,” Enar interrupted him, his voice firm. “I never have, and I never will. He can’t be anywhere near what I do because of his job, and I would never ask him to compromise himself. Besides, it’s complicated enough between us without adding money to it.”
“What do you mean, complicated?” Palani asked, shooting another look sideways. He did not like the expression on Enar’s face. “You said one reason was that you had to move your practice. What’s the other reason you’ve been working so much, Doc? I thought you guys had talked, that night when you came home late and you took a bath together, and then again on moving day, when you stayed behind?”
Again, it was quiet for a while before Enar answered. “We did, and he assured me he wants me there, but… You don’t understand how hard it is for me to find my role under him. I wanted to give you the opportunity to see if you liked it better without me. If you would be happier without me.”
A wave of anger rolled through Palani, so sharp and stinging it took his breath away for a second. It left him reeling, his heart hurting, and his head buzzing with fury. He clenched his teeth, grateful when he spotted an exit to a rest stop so he could get off the freeway and park the car. He set the transmission in P and shut off the engine before he spoke.
“I am so fucking angry with you for saying this that I can’t even find the words right now. You’ll have to give me a minute, okay?”
He unbuckled, then leaned forward to rub his head.
“Palani, I’m… I’m sorry, okay? I know it sounds lame, but I can’t help feeling like I don’t belong.”
Palani opened the door and got out of the car, his body too restless to stay confined to such a small space anymore. Enar got out as well, his eyes tracking Palani’s movements.
“I see how well you three connect, how in sync you are, and I can’t help but wonder if—”
Palani closed the distance between them with a few long strides, then shoved Enar back with both hands. “Shut up.”
Enar’s hands came up in a lame-ass attempt to defend himself. “But I…”
Palani shoved him again. “Stop talking. Right fucking now. I have done nothing but listen to you, and now it’s time for you to stop talking and listen for a change. You need to get your head out of your ass and fucking hear what I have to say.”
Enar’s eyes widened. “I just want to…”
Another hard shove. “God, you suck at following orders. I am so angry with you right now that trust me, you don’t wanna mess with me. I could fucking knock you on your ass for what you said.”
“It’s how I feel!”
Palani’s fist shot out and connected with Enar’s jaw. It wasn’t even that hard, but the crack stunned both of them into silence. Enar’s hand flew to his jaw, where he rubbed the area where Palani’s fist had clocked him, and he was staring at Palani with big eyes.
Palani’s anger seeped out of him, leaving him with a sense of remorse he’d rarely experienced before. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice breaking. From the corner of his eye, he saw Adar stepping closer, and he signaled him everything was okay. Dammit, they’d gotten quite the show here.
“You hit me.” Enar’s voice was full of disbelief.
“I know. I was so angry… Are you okay? Did I break something?”
Enar shook his head, removing his hand from his jaw. “Your hand, maybe, but my jaw is stronger than a beta’s fist.”
Palani flexed his hand, which started to throb. Fuck, he was such an idiot.
“I have a cooling pack,” Enar mumbled before opening the back door to grab something from his medical bag he always carried with him. He broke a cooling pack, starting the chemical process that would cool it down, then handed it to Palani.
“Your jaw,” Palani protested.
“I told you, your hand hurts more than my face.”
Palani took the pack hesitantly, then wrapped it around his hand. “I’m sorry,” he said again.
“So you told me.”
“No, please don’t, Doc. Don’t retreat into that closed-off mode you have. Not now.”
“What choice do I have when you won’t respect how I feel?”
“Because I don’t believe for a second that’s how you feel. It’s what you think, what your scared self deep inside you is telling you because it’s afraid to get hurt again, but it’s not what you feel. It’s the reaction to what you feel, your brain coming up with something to protect you from what it perceives as a threat.”
Enar blinked, a myriad of emotions flashing across his face. “How would you know what I really feel?” he said, his voice constricted with emotion.
Palani stepped in close, his throbbing hand forgotten. “Because I feel the same way. I’m in love with you, Doc, and I’m pretty sure you feel the same way about me.”
Enar’s breath caught in his lungs as Palani’s words reached deep inside him. Enar would’ve brushed them off as a joke, as something to make him feel better if he could, but Palani’s face told him the beta was speaking the truth. Palani was in love with him. How the hell was that even possible?
“How can you love me?” he asked, his throat clenching so painfully it made him wince. “I’m—”
His words were cut off when Palani placed his index finger on Enar’s lips. “Stop. You need to stop talking about yourself as if you’re unlovable. You’re not. The opposite, in fact. I find it very easy to love you.”
He took his finger away and replaced it with his lips, treating Enar to a soft kiss that made him want to crawl into the beta’s arms and never leave.
“I’m so confused,” Enar said, leaning his forehead against Palani’s.
“I know you are, but I’m not. We can figure it all out, but you have to stop running from it. From us.”
“I’m scared,” he admitted, and something inside him cracked when he spoke those words.
Palani kissed him again, his lips quieting Enar’s tornado of emotions. “I get why. You’ve been deeply hurt in the past, rejected for who you were, and you’ve never experienced a sense of belonging. Now that you do, it scares the crap out of you.”
“What if you—”
“Stop. You’re doing it again. You’re always expecting the worst, and I understand why, but you’ve got to stop. We are not happier without you. We are not in sync more with the three of us than with you. You saw what happened with Vieno when he was stressed out. You responded too. He needed you as much as he needed me and Lidon. You sensed him, didn’t you?”
“I did… It’s just… What if that’s only because Vieno chose me but he made a mistake?”
“That’s a lie your brain is telling you. You belong with us, Doc. You know you do. You’re part of what makes us work, what makes us whole. You’re a part of me.”
The words grabbed him by his heart, shook him. How he wanted to believe this. Palani’s hand wrapped around his neck. “Tell me the truth, Doc. Tell me what you feel. Not what your brain is trying to convince you of, but what you sense deep down in your heart.”
With Palani’s kind, strong eyes focused on his, Enar allowed himself to open up to his feelings. He’d been shoving them down for so long releasing them was like being swallowed whole by a sinkhole, like being swept away by a flash flood.
But Palani was his foundation, the thing that he could grab hold of, that would prevent him from being sucked under. He’d been there from the beginning, a man who looked deeper than Enar had wanted him to, but without ever making him feel threatened. He’d chipped away at his defenses, enticing Enar to lower them one by one, simply by being himself. And he’d never judged, not even once. Instead, he’d offered quiet acceptance and…love.
Palani loved him. And he loved him right back.
“I love you,” he said, his voice filled with the wonder of the discovery. “I didn’t
realize it, I swear, but I love you.”
Palani smiled, his breath teasing Enar’s lips. “I knew you did, Doc, but I’m glad you told me. We’ll figure it all out, I promise.”
Enar let himself be held, putting his head on Palani’s shoulder. “You really love me?” he asked.
“I do. Very much, in fact.”
Enar tried to let it sink in, but it was hard to wrap his mind around. Had he ever felt this loved? Probably not. Lidon loved him, sure, but it was different. More like friends, still, even though their relationship had changed as well. And Lidon had known him for years, so it was different. Palani loving him, that was…magical. Enar had been himself with the beta, more than with anyone else, and Palani had still fallen in love with him. Maybe that meant… That thought was so big he hesitated to let it in. He’d have to think more about this, though Palani had been right about his thoughts deceiving him.
“How do I change the way I think about myself, about us?” he asked.
“You’re the doctor. Tell me how that works.”
Enar sighed, still wrapped in Palani’s arms. That in itself was a miracle, that he’d feel so safe in the arms of a man who was so much smaller than himself.
“It’s a neuro pattern, formed over time, like a deeply rooted cascade of thoughts. Each step triggers the next, like a well-oiled machine. In order to change that, you need to form a new thought habit, create a new pattern.”
“And how do you do that when the brain is naturally resistant to a change of that magnitude?” Palani asked.
God, he excelled at asking the right questions, didn’t he? He had such a sharp brain, phenomenal analytical skills. Enar kept being impressed by him.
“Rewards. The original pattern formed because it was rewarded in some way, so a new pattern can be formed if you have enough of a reward to do so.”
“What would you like to be rewarded with, Doc? Tell me.”
Enar stood there in the parking lot next to the freeway, held tightly by a man much smaller than him while his mind found a peace he’d rarely experienced before, his heart growing like it was about to burst out of his chest. All because of Palani. Somehow, he’d found the key to Enar’s heart, to his emotions, to his real self.