‘I think we need to acknowledge that there is chemistry between us. I mean, that’s what got us here, isn’t it? But we can’t act on it any more. We can’t be tempted. We need to be good parents to this baby. We need to be thinking straight. Making sensible decisions. We can’t be getting distracted by whatever feelings we had for each other that night.’
He quirked the corner of his lip in an annoying hint of a smile, as if he was finding this whole conversation amusing rather than embarrassing. ‘And what feelings did you have for me that night?’
Oh, she could have listed them: lust, desire, need, abandon, want. But someone had to be the responsible one here, so instead, she shook her head.
‘We’re not talking about that night. We’re talking about now. And right now the only feelings I have for you are friendly. We are going to be friends. We are going to raise this child together. And we are never going to talk about that night again.’
‘Never talk about it again? Might that not get awkward?’
He shrugged and she decided that, yes, his nonchalance was definitely annoying. ‘Why would it be awkward?’
‘People are going to have questions,’ Fraser replied. ‘Our friends. Our families. They’re going to want to know what’s happening with us.’
‘Oh, and you usually spill all about your sex life to your friends and your family, do you?’
‘No, but there’s a baby on the way...’
She nodded emphatically and started walking again. ‘Exactly. That tells them all they need to know about what has happened in the past. When they want to know what’s happening with us now, we tell them the truth. That we’re friends.’
Fraser fell silent, obviously thinking that through. ‘You know, we never considered the alternative.’
For the first time she heard a shake in his voice, heard doubt in his tone.
‘We’ve never talked about doing the right thing. Marrying. Making a proper family for this baby.’
Elspeth wasn’t sure whether she was meant to laugh or not. That was the most unromantic proposal of marriage she had ever heard, and from the look on Fraser’s face he’d dragged it out like needles through his skin. She was tempted to accept, just to see the look of horror on his face, but even she wasn’t that cruel.
‘Is that what you really want for our family, Fraser? The two of us pretending to be something we’re not because we think it’s the right thing for the baby?’
He looked relieved that she hadn’t said yes, but aware that she hadn’t said no either. She had no intention of doing so—she was more interested in exploring the reasons he’d asked in the first place.
‘Aren’t we meant to be putting the baby’s needs first?’ he asked, tiptoeing his way through the words.
‘Why does that have to mean marriage? Your mum and mine have both done fine on their own.’
‘But you’re not on your own. You’ve got me; I’m not going anywhere.’
Elspeth crossed her arms. ‘Exactly, so we don’t need a marriage certificate to tell us that. Your name will be on the birth certificate, and that’s enough for me.’
‘You’re not interested in the whole nuclear family thing?’
‘I guess not.’
‘What about when you meet someone else?’
The thought hadn’t even occurred to her. It was hard enough accepting that she was going to have to make room in her life for Fraser and their child. The thought that she might meet someone else one day, make room for them too—it was laughable. She’d tried once before to make a relationship work with the other commitments in her life, and it had threatened to take her away from her sister. The person who needed her more than anyone. She wouldn’t be making that decision again—not with him or with anyone else.
She thought back to the night she’d spent with Fraser, how they’d clicked from their first banter at the wedding to her first orgasm, to that first and last kiss of the morning when she’d sneaked out of his hotel room. If she couldn’t find a way to make a relationship work with that kind of incentive, she didn’t much fancy anyone else’s chances.
‘I don’t want anybody else.’
It was easier to say that than to tell the truth. How would Fraser, with his money and his privilege, understand the compromises and the struggles that were an everyday part of her life? How was he going to react when she didn’t finish work until long after she wanted to be in bed because the practice was overstretched and her patients needed her attention? When her mum had been in so much pain after work that she’d had to go straight to bed and so there were dishes and laundry to do? When her sister needed her? When her mother could no longer look after herself?
Alex had made it clear that it wasn’t something you signed up for voluntarily.
There was no point pretending that she was looking forward to a life without romance, but some things took priority. If she had to choose—again—she’d make the same decision every time. Nothing would ever be more important to her than her family.
As they reached the top of Arthur’s Seat she took a moment to look at the view, seeing the whole of the city spread out beneath them and realising how high they’d climbed. She was a little out of breath—no doubt courtesy of the baby now sharing her oxygen and blood supply.
But, having climbed up here with Fraser, she was sure of one thing. They were going to fight for this. Probably with each other at times, but hopefully on the same team too. They were going to be a family. They would make it work because they both loved this baby.
The fact that they didn’t love each other wouldn’t change that.
CHAPTER FIVE
WHEN FRASER HAD suggested grabbing something to eat after the twelve-week scan she hadn’t realised that he’d meant here. She had shoes she’d be happy to wear to a Michelin-starred restaurant in one of the city’s most exclusive hotels, but she didn’t usually throw them on when she was expecting to go for a scan and then straight back home. And catching sight of her battered old trainers was making her mightily uncomfortable.
The interior of the restaurant was opulently decorated, and the pale September sun that braved it past the heavy velvet curtains and dark wooden panelling glinted on the crystal glasses and the chandeliers above them. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been in this part of the city, and she’d forgotten how packed the Royal Mile could be with visitors—even outside of the usual touristy times of year.
She would walk back through the closes and wynds, she promised herself, thinking of the quiet alleyways that snaked through the Old Town, down the steep hill towards the New Town and away from the main thoroughfare. No matter how familiar she was with the city she still found something new to see every time, looking up towards the sky at the teetering buildings, five or six storeys above the narrow cobbled passageways below.
The wait staff were hovering at the edges of the room, and she remembered that she was meant to be choosing something to order. The food looked incredible—all Aberdeen Angus steak and oozing egg yolks and local game—normally everything she could have wanted from a menu. But with pregnancy safety advice in the forefront of her mind after the scan she couldn’t see a single thing that looked both safe to eat and appealing.
Fraser didn’t seem to care that neither of them was dressed for a fancy lunch, and was still wearing the blissed-out expression that he had adopted when the sonographer had drizzled the cold gel on her belly, touched the probe to her skin and showed them their baby’s flickering heartbeat just a second later.
Elspeth looked up from her menu and smiled across the table at Fraser. Seeing their baby on the screen had been a breathtaking moment, and she was so glad they had shared it together. At her first scan—when she’d gone alone, not sure whether this baby was going to have one parent or two, half convinced that she’d completely imagined seeing the word ‘pregnant’ on the test she’d taken a few weeks be
fore—there had been nothing more than a tiny pulsing flicker.
But this time they had seen her baby—their baby—with its tiny arms and legs and fingers. Fraser had gripped her hand, and in that moment she’d known that it didn’t matter how this baby had come about. They were both going to love it with an intensity that threatened to suffocate her.
But now they had left that little bubble, and the real world was creeping back in.
‘I can’t believe we saw our baby,’ she said, for about the hundredth time since they’d left the hospital, trying to recapture their mood in the hospital.
‘Pretty amazing,’ Fraser said, nodding. ‘When do we get to see him again?’ he asked.
‘Easy with the him stuff,’ Elspeth reminded him. ‘We don’t know the sex yet. And the next scan is at twenty weeks. We can find out the sex then, if we want to.’
Fraser’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Not for another two months? What if something goes wrong before then?’
Elspeth bristled, sitting up a little straighter. ‘Why would anything go wrong?’
‘I’m not saying it will,’ Fraser said. ‘But it’s a long time between scans. I want the baby to be checked more often.’
She shook her head. Here spoke a man with little experience of the NHS and none of pregnancy.
‘Well, with most pregnancies there’s no need to be seen more often,’ she explained, as she would to any patient. ‘Everything is fine.’
‘But in some pregnancies there are problems, and I don’t want us to be one of those pregnancies,’ Fraser pressed on, seemingly unaware that her hackles were rapidly rising. ‘As soon as we’re done here I’m going to get us booked in to the private hospital. I want the best for you both, and waiting two months for another scan can’t be the best.’
‘And you’re basing this on what?’ Elspeth asked, her voice tart, annoyed at his high-handed tone. ‘Your extensive obstetric knowledge?’
Was he really suggesting that she wouldn’t do what was right for their baby? That she would cut corners to save money? She was the one who actually knew what she was talking about when it came to the medical side of things. She wasn’t going to let him have his own way just because he wanted to throw his money and his privilege around.
‘I just don’t see why we wouldn’t pay for extra care for our baby,’ he said, laying down his menu and glaring at her.
Elspeth tried to tamp down her temper before she spoke, but she was finding it more and more difficult. ‘This isn’t a situation that you just throw money at, Fraser. You weigh up the costs and benefits of additional investigations. I don’t see the need for more.’
Fraser took a sip of his drink and shrugged. ‘I don’t see the downside. I’m not going to change my mind.’
‘Really? You surprise me.’ Forget keeping her temper—it wasn’t her fault he was being completely illogical. ‘Well, with my five years of medical school, and seven more of training, I might have picked up something about weighing up the risks and benefits of additional testing in a medical setting. But if you think your gut feeling and your bank balance outweigh that experience—’
He held his hands up. ‘Fine. If you feel so strongly, stay at your hospital—don’t bother with the extra scans. But I’m not going to pretend that I understand. I think you’re making a mistake.’
Too right he didn’t understand. And if he wanted to go private now, when they’d had a textbook visit, with a ten-minute wait in a comfortable room and a friendly sonographer who had chatted as she’d talked them through the scan, what was he going to make of her family’s regular middle-of-the-night trips to the emergency department? Of dealing with underfunded community services and appointments cancelled and moved at the last minute? The sort of things that made up most of the days of her life. And that was when she wasn’t working extra shifts to cover their understaffed and underfunded GP practice...
‘What?’ he asked, and she guessed that some of what she was thinking must be showing on her face.
‘Nothing...’ she hedged. ‘I was just thinking how different we are. How different our lives are. Wondering how this is going to work.’
‘I don’t think we’re that different,’ he countered, leaning forward on his elbows and fixing her with a look.
‘You think this is the sort of place to come for a quick lunch,’ she stated, glancing around her.
He drew his eyebrows together and frowned. ‘I thought you’d like it. I mean, it’s not where I usually come in my walking boots and my waterproof jacket.’
‘Right—Fraser the country boy.’
He narrowed his eyes. ‘I’ll choose not to take that as an insult.’
‘It wasn’t.’ She lifted her hands, not sure how to get across what she was thinking. ‘But we’re different. I love this city. You’re clearly uncomfortable here. You’d rather be out at one of your estates—and when I say “estate” we both know I’m not talking about new-build semis,’ she clarified. ‘My life is spent in city hospitals like the one you thought wasn’t good enough today, and you’ve spent the last week looking to acquire—what? A...a stately home?’
‘A castle.’
‘A castle? Right. And you’re buying it from...?’
‘A duke.’
Elspeth nodded—he had just proved her point. Even if her family didn’t present its own challenges, they were too different. Their lives were too different for this ever to be anything other than impossible.
‘A duke is just a person,’ Fraser said, holding her gaze, not letting her look away. ‘No different from anyone else.’
‘Yeah, right. Castles notwithstanding.’
Elspeth watched Fraser as a cloud crossed his face.
‘I’m serious. Titles don’t mean anything,’ he said.
Elspeth stopped and gave him a long look. ‘You’re taking this rather personally.’
He nodded. ‘I have reason to.’
‘You have a...a title?’ Elspeth asked, noting the strain in her own voice.
‘A courtesy title—at least while my father’s still alive. When he dies I’ll inherit the estate and the title that goes with it.’
She took in a deep breath, collecting herself, trying to keep a rein on her thoughts.
How could he have kept this from her? She didn’t care about his title. About where he’d grown up and who his family were. But this was her baby he was talking about. She had seen him or her on the screen that afternoon, waving at them with its perfect, tiny little fingers. And now Fraser had dropped this bombshell, telling her that her baby was part of something that she could barely understand, never mind be a part of.
‘And you’re only thinking to mention this now?’ she said, aware that her shock was making her words sharp. ‘You didn’t say a word about it when we talked about your dad.’
Fraser shrugged and held up his hands. ‘It’s not usually my opening gambit when I’m picking up women.’
‘Wow—and doesn’t that make me feel special?’
She glanced down at the menu again, using it as a handy way to hide her face. At least Fraser had made it very clear where she stood, she supposed. She was just some woman he had picked up—one of many, by the sounds of it. If there hadn’t been a baby they never would have seen each other again.
‘I imagine a castle and a title have a pretty high success rate,’ she said, when she was sure she could speak calmly, determined to show him she didn’t care that she had been nothing more than a one-night stand to him. That was all he had been to her as well, after all.
Fraser snorted, pouring them both a glass of water. ‘Evidently not with you,’ he said. ‘You seem pretty annoyed about it, actually.’
Well, he was observant enough—she would give him that.
‘I am pretty annoyed about the fact that you haven’t mentioned it before. This is the sort of thing I think I should know abo
ut the father of my child. When were you planning on telling me?’
‘I didn’t really have a plan,’ Fraser said.
He really wasn’t helping himself here. Still, he was making it easier and easier for her to remember that under no circumstances should she be thinking about having a relationship with him.
‘You were going to hide it from me?’ she asked.
‘That’s not the same thing.’
‘I don’t even know what to call you,’ she said at last, her frustration getting the better of her. ‘Am I meant to curtsey?’
Fraser gave a frustrated bark of laughter. ‘You call me Fraser, just like before. And don’t be angry.’ He reached across to brush the gentlest of touches against her fingertips, where she was clutching her water glass with a death grip. ‘This isn’t about you or the baby,’ he continued. ‘I don’t like to talk about my family because it’s complicated.’
‘Well, I’m family now too. I think we should talk about this.’
He drew away, rested back in his chair and gave her a long look. ‘I’m not sure what to tell you, apart from what you already know. I’ve not seen my father or been back to our estate since I was a teenager,’ Fraser said after a few moments.
‘So you’re buying all this land, these other estates...?’
‘Because I can’t go back to my own.’ Fraser nodded slowly, thoughtfully. ‘I wish I could. I miss it like—’
Fraser cut himself off and took a long sip of his water. Elspeth kept her eyes on him, waiting until he was ready to speak again.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘For sharing it with me now. I want us to be able to talk.’
He reached for her hand. ‘I still can’t believe we saw him,’ he said, throwing a glance to a waiter, who had appeared beside them with a tray and two champagne flutes. ‘It’s non-alcoholic,’ Fraser said, reading her mind. ‘But I thought we should have a toast.’
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