‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Elspeth asked, but it was clear from the way she refused to meet his eyes that she knew.
‘Exactly what you think it means,’ he said, his voice growing cold as the fear that she was walking away from him sank in. ‘This would be a very convenient exit route if you regret what happened last night. If you’ve changed your mind about watchful waiting and want to take action instead.’
‘If I had been at home last night none of this would have happened,’ Elspeth said plainly, finally meeting his gaze with a stony expression.
Fraser rose from the bed and came over to her, bringing the thick bedspread with him and wrapping it around them both. ‘Everything’s going to be okay,’ he said, kissing her on the lips and praying that she would respond.
She softened a little and warmed under his touch, her mouth moving gently against his as he pulled her closer, holding on tight.
But as he deepened the kiss she pushed him away. ‘We should go,’ she said when they broke apart, her expression cold.
When she had kissed him, the fear had receded a little, but it was rushing back now. ‘When do you need to leave?’ he asked.
Elspeth glanced at her phone, checking the time. ‘As soon as we can.’
She breathed a sigh of relief when he nodded.
He sat on the bed for another few moments, watching Elspeth pack. What had happened in this room while he had been sleeping? He’d closed his eyes late last night—early this morning?—with Elspeth breathing warm and soft on his chest and her bump pressing gently against his hip. And he had woken to an empty bed and the beginnings of the relationship they’d worked so hard for looking more fragile than ever.
He knocked on his father’s bedroom door, his bags in his hand, and explained what was happening, and then they were crunching across the driveway, trying to get some heat into the car, chase the ice from the windows.
He glanced across at her as he drove, watched her withdraw into silence, and he wanted to pull her into his arms. Everything seemed so much simpler when he was touching her.
He reached for her hand and gripped it tight, trying to show her how much he wanted this to work. ‘It’ll be okay, you know,’ he said, trying to start up the conversation that had gone cold back in her bedroom.
‘You don’t know that,’ she said, her voice devoid of emotion. ‘You can’t know that. You don’t understand.’
He didn’t know what to say to that. Didn’t know how to reach her now she had decided to shut him out. No, he didn’t understand her—because she wouldn’t let him in. He wanted to know her. Wanted to be a part of her life, a part of her family. But she needed to want that too. He couldn’t support her if she wouldn’t let him.
Finally they pulled up outside the home that she shared with her mother and her sister and he turned to look at her. Wondering if, at last, she would find some explanation for what was happening between them. Give him some hope that this wasn’t going the direction he feared.
She had pushed him hard this weekend, forcing him to face up to the decisions—the mistakes—he had made in his life. And he’d worked hard to reach a point where he could picture himself with someone. Moving towards those big, scary feelings that had always had him running scared in the past.
And now what? Was she going to prove that he had been right all along? That he would have been better never getting involved with her?
‘Thank you for driving me back,’ she said, as if she were reading from a script, and reached for the door handle.
Fraser sighed, opened his own door, and then pulled her bags from the back of the car and brought them round to where she was standing on the pavement, digging through her handbag for her keys.
He dropped the bags at her feet, and before she could protest cupped a hand around her cheek.
‘Please,’ he said. ‘Don’t decide anything now. Don’t go into your head and make this go away. I’ll stop by tonight and we can talk.’
She hesitated, but he pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek.
‘Remember this,’ he instructed, his voice low, his breath on her ear, unable to drag himself away from her. ‘Remember last night. Remember what we are to each other when we are together like this. This feeling—it’s important. Don’t give up on it yet.’
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and for a moment Fraser thought she would turn him down. Again. Instead she tensed her shoulders. Looked up and met his gaze.
‘Okay. Let’s talk tonight.’
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
ELSPETH SAT IN the quiet house, her hand resting on her bump, trying to take stock of the last twenty-four hours. When they’d driven up to the Highlands such a short time ago she had been so sure that a relationship with Fraser—with anyone—was nothing short of impossible. Then, last night, it had seemed inevitable.
But she had watched the sun rise as they had clocked up the miles this morning and her certainty, her faith in her decision had faltered. Now she was sitting here knowing that when Fraser returned she would break their relationship off, and feeling unsure of how she would live with herself when the deed was done.
As soon as they’d got back, Elspeth had jumped straight in with Sarah’s daily routine—taking the splints off Sarah’s hands and legs, teasing out her tight muscles with gentle wiggles and hard stretches that made her wince.
Elspeth had soothed Sarah through it, as she always did. She knew exactly how hard she could press and pull, which fingers would be most painful to straighten, when Sarah would need a break to catch her breath, with an understanding and an intimacy that an agency carer could never reproduce.
Now she had helped Sarah to shower and dress, brushed her hair and vacuumed her wheelchair, Elspeth still needed to keep busy. She’d hoped she could spend an hour chatting with her sister, but Sarah needed to study and had asked Elspeth to leave her in peace.
Fraser had asked her not to make any rash decisions, but what else could she do? The one night she’d decided to take a risk she had been called home for an emergency. She couldn’t have asked for a clearer sign about the viability of their relationship.
She could hear what Alex would have said as clearly as if he were back in this house with her—You choose them over me every time. Of course she did. Because the risks if she made a different choice were unacceptably high. When Sarah had been born Elspeth had sat by her cot for months, willing her to get better, to come home. She never wanted to feel so helpless again, and if that meant she had to sacrifice her own relationships to be there for her sister, it would be worth it.
That last argument with Alex, when she had chosen her family for the last time and broken off their engagement, it had been such a relief. Alex had pushed her and pushed her to choose. Every time she’d had to cancel a date or cut short a holiday he’d rolled his eyes and she’d seen his judgement. And when he’d told her that he wouldn’t move in with her mum and her sister she’d known they didn’t have a future.
She didn’t want to do that again. Didn’t want to watch the novelty fade from a relationship, see love sour because she couldn’t give what her partner was demanding from her.
She could tell herself that it would be different with Fraser. That he wasn’t Alex. That he wouldn’t expect her to choose, as Alex had. She could tell herself that—if she didn’t already know that Fraser was the sort of uncompromising man who had been issuing ultimatums since he was a teenager.
When his dad hadn’t been prepared to drop everything else because Fraser had demanded it, he hadn’t spoken to him for fifteen years. This wasn’t a man who was going to be happy settling for the small part of herself that she had to offer. It would be better for him to find someone who could give him the undivided love he wanted and deserved.
Elspeth cupped her hands around her belly. She loved her mum and Sarah more than she could say. And she knew she was going to l
ove her baby with a fierce, limitless passion. She simply couldn’t see how she could love Fraser like that too.
Except her heart hurt as if she did already. As if she loved him with her whole heart, with no room for anyone else. As if she’d be left cold and empty if she had to give him up.
She thought of a future of polite exchanges as they handed the baby over every other weekend. Of calling to pass on information about doctor’s appointments or school reports. And then she thought how much worse it would be if he broke it off instead. If she loved all these people and made it work and then had Fraser tell her that she wasn’t doing it well enough. As Alex had done. If he told her that the part of herself she was offering just wasn’t enough for him. It would break her heart, she knew. In a way that couldn’t be fixed.
When Fraser’s knock on the door sounded that evening, after her mum had gone to bed to rest after her long day at the hospital and her sister had returned to her room after dinner to study, Elspeth had made up her mind and firmed her resolve. She opened the door and braced herself for the sight of him, knowing that her body would react, trying to get it in line before she did something she couldn’t take back.
She spotted the flowers in his hand and shook her head, smiling slightly at the sweet gesture. Another reminder of what a man she was giving up.
‘Fraser, you shouldn’t have...’ she started, her voice trailing off.
He leaned in and planted a kiss on her cheek. ‘I didn’t,’ he replied, mirroring her smile. ‘They’re for your mum. I wanted to make a good impression, under the circumstances...’
‘The circumstances being you impregnating me before you’d been properly introduced to my family?’ she said with a raised eyebrow. ‘I didn’t realise they did flowers for that.’
Fraser smiled. ‘You should see the poem in the card.’
She smiled back despite herself, despite knowing what she had to do, and stood aside to let him in.
‘Come through to the kitchen. I’ll find a vase for them.’
She stood and fussed with the flowers, hoping that somehow something would happen to make this easier. That she would wake up with it magically having been done for her. But as Fraser tried to catch her eye—to connect with her—she knew that she wasn’t that lucky. She was going to have to live through every tortuous moment of this.
‘Did everything go okay today?’ Fraser asked. ‘With your mum at the hospital?’
‘Mmm...’ Elspeth replied, building up her courage.
She couldn’t engage in small talk. If she did that it would be too easy to be pulled back from what she knew she had to do. To chicken out.
‘Fraser, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. We can’t be together. It’s never going to work. I have too many responsibilities, and it’s only going to be worse when the baby gets here. We should just end it now, before we get any further in.’
Fraser nodded slowly, and she could practically see the machinations of his thinking as he tried to choose words that would make her change her mind.
‘How have things changed since last night?’ he asked eventually.
She leant back against the worktop, her weight pressing through her palms as she closed her eyes and fought the memories.
‘Everything has changed since then.’
Fraser took a step towards her. ‘I don’t see how.’
‘What happened this morning—’
‘Has happened a hundred times before,’ Fraser interrupted her. ‘You told me that. And it’ll probably happen a hundred times again. You knew that when we went to bed together last night.’
She threw her hands up. ‘Yes, but—’
He thought he understood, but he didn’t. He didn’t know the strain that it put on a relationship. He hadn’t lived through it already. She had. She knew where this was going before it had even got started.
‘But what?’ Fraser asked, maddeningly calm in his refusal to understand her or believe her.
‘But I forgot,’ she said, hoping that he wouldn’t see the truth. That she’d known and remembered every reason why it might not work but none of that had seemed as important as the fact that she loved him.
She’d watched Fraser and his father put to rest fifteen years of pain and hurt and recrimination. And she’d thought, I want that. If I love him enough, maybe I can have that. But she’d forgotten that his problems stemmed from the past. Her problems were right now. They were happening today. And loving him, seeing him ready to love, didn’t change her circumstances, however much she wanted it to be true.
‘Maybe I just gave in,’ she said. Not wanting him to guess how she really felt. ‘Or I was kidding myself that I could do this. That I could be enough. But I can’t. There’s not enough of me to go around, Fraser.’
‘Not enough? Elspeth, you’re making so many assumptions here. You’re telling me I can’t have something I haven’t even asked for. All I want is to talk about this. Why won’t you do that?’
‘Because I’ve talked this thing to death, Fraser. I’ve talked and talked and talked and the grand conclusion is that I can’t do both. I can’t be the daughter and sister that I need to be—I want to be—and be a good enough girlfriend as well.’
Fraser narrowed his eyes as he looked at her. ‘You’ve talked about it with who? Because you haven’t talked about it with me. And I’d have thought my opinion should count for something.’
She hesitated, but Fraser fixed her with a glare and wouldn’t back down.
She shrugged in resignation. She might as well tell him. ‘With Alex—my ex.’
‘The one who called off the wedding?’
‘I called off the wedding,’ she said. The distinction was important.
Silence fell over the kitchen as she waited for her words to sink in.
‘Why?’
Fraser said it in a way that she knew meant he wasn’t going to take any bull. He would know if she was lying to him. If she wasn’t being completely honest. And, really, he might as well know. This would be the final nail in the coffin of this relationship—if she could even call it that before it had really got started. There was no way he’d want her after this.
‘Because he always wanted more than I could give. The part of my life that he occupied was never enough for him. He was insisting that after the wedding we would get our own place. My mum and sister said they were fine with it, but the closer it got, the less I wanted to leave. I like being here with them. I like it that if there’s an emergency in the middle of the night I’m here to deal with it. I like it that my sister knows whether I need comfort carbs or a massive bowl of ice cream based on nothing more than the tone of my voice. But Alex wouldn’t budge. He said if we were going to be married it was time to get our own place. I had to choose.’
She saw the realisation hit Fraser in stages, slowly sinking in. She’d been given an ultimatum. She’d made the choice he’d wanted his father to make. She’d do it again if she had to, and she wouldn’t choose Fraser. He was second choice—again. Or that was how he would see it.
‘I’m sorry, Fraser. It won’t work. We were crazy to think that it could. I’m sorry.’
‘You apologised already. Save it.’
Anger spiked in her. He was acting as if this was a free choice. It wasn’t. Who would choose to feel this way?
‘What would you have me do, Fraser? Should I choose you? Should I let my mother and Sarah and my patients fend for themselves while I go up to Ballanross and soothe your ego? You gave your dad an ultimatum and you’ve been punishing him for fifteen years for choosing love over his family. This is an impossible situation.’
‘I’m not asking you to choose,’ Fraser said, his voice raised and his tone frustrated. ‘The opposite. I’m asking you to try and do both. To find space in your life for me. To make room for me.’
‘I did that before and—’
; ‘But not with me! So it didn’t work out before. Why does that mean it won’t work this time? I’m not Alex. I’m not asking you for more than you can give. I’m standing here telling you that I’ll take anything you’re willing to give me, and you’re telling me that you’re not even going to try.’
She shook her head. This pig-headed man was just refusing to get this. Out of spite. Out of... She didn’t know why he was refusing to understand something so simple.
‘I’m sorry, Fraser, but we both know you’re the kind of guy who hands out ultimatums. You did it to your father and you’ll do it to me. And I just can’t go through that again.’
‘Why are you so convinced that I’m the same as your ex? Can’t you accept that I’m different? That we will be different? That the choices in front of you are different this time? I understand your being scared. What I don’t understand is why you’re not even willing to try.’
Well, at least she knew the answer to that one. ‘Because trying is exhausting, Fraser. And I can’t do it any more. It’s just not worth it.’
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
HE WASN’T WORTH IT.
She’d given him the answer that he’d dreaded hearing since they had started this journey. Well, he didn’t know much about her experiences with men and relationships, but he knew that he’d had a lot of women over the years and not one of them had made him question the way he was living his life. And then he’d met her. He might not be worth fighting for, but she was—and he wasn’t giving up yet.
There was something special between them. Something rare and precious. There had to be. It was something he didn’t want to lose. And if she didn’t feel that way too she wouldn’t have gone to bed with him last night.
He took a couple of steps towards her, until he was standing close enough to touch her if she’d let him, one foot either side of hers. She didn’t move—not towards him or away—and he could read the indecision on her face. She wanted this. She wanted him. But she wasn’t going to let that be enough.
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