Get ready for the tricky part, Doc.
“You should probably dump the cat drawing and start writing up some kind of family tree.”
A high pitched laugh leaves her mouth as she animatedly switches out the papers. “Go ahead, I’m ready.”
“Hendrix and Jagger are twin brothers and were my very best friends growing up. Jagger was the brother I never had, and Hendrix was the guy I was going to marry. But, when it all got too much, I bailed on them, started hanging out with the wrong crowd and dabbled in shit that was very unlike me.”
“So, here I was giving up my virginity to a guy who was older than me. It was only two years, but enough that he could’ve gotten into trouble if anyone found out. Jagger and Hendrix loathed him, and somewhere deep inside, that was one of the reasons I let it happen—”
“Okay,” she interrupts. “What was that person’s name, for the sake of my drawing.”
“His name was Jay.” She nods, so I proceed. “When he left me high and dry, I ran back to Hendrix with my tail between my legs.”
“How did that go?”
“As well as you’d expect.” I laugh humorlessly. “He was devastated. We both were. I figured we needed time, but then I fucked up again. I got messy drunk and had sex with an equally drunk Jagger.”
She doesn’t flinch, or cringe, or show any reaction and it unnerves me. Some part of me wants the disgust, the validation that I am as horrible and fucked up as I feel. The expression on my face must be expectant, because she sits forward, holding my gaze.
“Nothing you say is going to shock me. It’s not my job to judge you, that’s not what this is about. I just want to walk you through your past choices and decisions, to help you be happy with who you are today.”
I look back at the piece of paper in my lap and focus on the trivial matter of what colour I’m going to use next, instead of acknowledging the tears that prickle my eyes.
“I fell pregnant with Jagger’s baby.”
“What made you keep the baby?”
As I think about the gorgeous woman my daughter is growing into, it pains my heart to think of a world without her, but I understand the question, and what she’s implying. She wants to know why I chose the hard option.
“It gave me purpose. The minute I found out, it felt right.” My heart expands with just the mere mention of Dakota. “I was constantly battling with myself, second guessing everything I did, wondering if I would ever amount to anything? Or if I would be successful. Or who would like me, and who wouldn’t? Especially after the unforgivable things I had done.”
The worry and insecurity I carried was incessant. It was a crippling dark cloud that surrounded my every thought and every action. I’d love to say it’s not there anymore, but that would be one of the biggest lies I’ve ever told. Sometimes I can silence it, others it’s impossible. But with Dakota… She became my missing link, my second chance. “From the moment I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test, she was the answer to all those questions. For her, I would be enough.”
“And how did…” She looks down at the paper for clarification and I can’t help but snort.
“Jagger,” I offer.
“Yes. Jagger. How did he take it?”
“I don’t think you’ll ever find another fifteen-year-old boy who was happy as he was.” Jagger and I were close enough to get through anything. Our solid friendship paved the way for a somewhat cohesive and strong family bond between the three of us. We were both determined to make the best of the situation and did our best to work together and help one another wherever we could.
“His mum didn’t care what we did, and not in the sense where she wasn’t mad he went and got a fifteen-year-old girl knocked up, but she literally didn’t give a fuck what he did with his life.” Having Dakota makes it even more impossible to understand how Jagger survived such a bitch of a woman. It makes my heart ache for my best friend, but also feel confident in our decision to have Dakota. He needed her just as much as I did.
“She made it known he was to ask nothing of her, as she single-handedly excluded him from her life. Even though all she ever gave him was a slew of insults and reminders he was a no-hoper. I’m almost certain Jagger’s mother’s voice in his head, was the reason he wanted our baby. He was determined to be better. Do more. Love unconditionally.”
The circumstances of his home life were shit, to say the least, and as his best friend, I wanted to give him happiness that only our baby could offer. It may have been short-lived. And our happy family may have not grown into a life filled with flowers and rainbows, like we’d hoped for, but there were single, profound moments. Heartbeats of happiness that I will always treasure. A mum, a dad, and the most consuming amount of love two people could ever feel for another human being. It had been perfect.
“And how is his relationship with Dakota?”
“Now, it’s great, but there was a good portion of her life where he wasn’t around.”
“Where was he?”
“He went to jail when he was eighteen.”
“We’ll keep that story for another day. I want to wrap up and acknowledge that raising Dakota is obviously one of the impactful things to happen in your life, right?”
“One hundred percent.”
“How does being a mum make you feel, now that you’re not that anxious and pregnant teenager.”
Motherhood was more than anything I could have ever predicted. I may have been young, I may have been hurt, and I may have hurt people. But when I held her in my arms, I knew everything else would come second to how right being her mother felt. She was my purpose.
“It’s hands down my greatest achievement.”
Claire beams at me like I just answered the million dollar question. “Remind yourself of that, Sasha. Be kind. You’re human, and regardless of the things that taint your past, you’re doing a fucking good job.”
Walking into the already bustling childcare centre, I head straight for the office and set up for the admin portion of my day. When I was finishing up school, my mum suggested working in childcare. After graduating with my School Certificate, I was eligible to enroll and receive my diploma in Early Childhood Education and Care. It took two years to do it online, which gave me plenty of time to be hands-on with Dakota. By the time I was qualified to work, there was a job and a full-time spot for me and my baby at the centre.
I open up my planner and look over the list of things I need to get done today. Working in childcare started as a means to an end, but this place has saved me. It’s my second home, and the people here are my second family.
I moved around to different centres throughout the years, trying to find the perfect fit, until eventually, I went and got myself a business loan, and opened up my own. My mum, always the saviour let me use her house as collateral, and together we made it work. Because of this place, and the success I was blessed with, I was able to put a deposit on my own house, and finally stand on my own two feet.
Having Dakota so young meant when I needed to put the hard yards in, she was already in full-time school and very self-sufficient. And even if it was rare, and there was a time where I couldn’t do something for her because I was busy building our future, she had my mother and Jagger’s brother, Hendrix, to fill her time. She wanted for nothing, and we all made sure of it.
“Oh fuck, I didn’t expect you here today.” Holly, the centre co-ordinator exclaims. “You scared the shit out of me.” Second in charge, she’s basically someone I trained to be a clone of myself. After five years of working side by side, she’s become more than my right hand, she’s my best friend.
“I told you I was coming in after my appointment, it’s not my fault your head is always up in the clouds.”
“Hey.” She stares at me pointedly. “Don’t knock the clouds. It's a good place to be.”
I tip my head in her direction. “I’ll take your word for it. How’s the morning been?”
“Busy, but the family breakfast was a success. Eve
ryone’s now settled into their normal routine.” We’re always adding different things to our schedule to make sure the days are not monotonous for both parents and kids. Today we invited all guardians to have breakfast with their children before drop off. Thankfully the kids love it, and the parents are always receptive.
“Is there anything left over from the breakfast?” I ask sheepishly.
She smiles knowingly. I never remember to eat, and everyone here knows it. “Jane made us a plate each. Let me go get them.”
Stuffing our faces with bacon and egg rolls, I go through the pile of papers between us. It’s that time of the year where the new year is on the horizon, and our focus is primarily on new enrollments, re-enrollments, and finalising kindergarten transitions. Surprisingly, taking care of children all day is the easiest part of the job.
The sound of the doorbell ringing has me glancing up at the wall mounted clock in our office. Parents very rarely drop their kids off after ten am, or pick them up before three. At eleven am, I’m curious as to who it could be.
“Do you want me to get it?” Holly asks.
“No, it’s fine. Jump on the floor and I’ll come and swap with you when I’m done.”
“Perfect.”
Leaving the room together, I make my way to the entrance. As a safety precaution, the entrance to the building is locked at all times. Only parents and staff members with the code can enter, ensuring the staff and all the children are not caught up in any custody, kidnapping, or misplacement predicaments. Through the transparent glass, I see a short woman holding a fussy toddler on her hip. Feeling empathetic, I hurry up my steps, and quickly unlock the door and pull it open.
“Hi,” I say meeting her eyes. “Can I help you?”
Letting out a heavy sigh, she bounces on the spot trying to calm the little girl down. “I just wanted to know if you had any vacancies?”
I cringe but find myself biting back the immediate and warranted no. Glancing over to the little girl, I open my arms and the woman gladly hands her over to me. “And what’s your name?” I coo at the toddler, sliding her cute chocolate coloured fringe out of her eyes.
“Her name is Lily,” the woman answers for her.
“I’m Sasha, it’s nice to meet you both.”
About to offer me her hand, a drink bottle drops from underneath her arm. “Oh, shi— sugar,” she corrects before picking it up. “I’m Max.” She throws the bottle in her handbag and then runs her fingers through her hair in frustration. Moving the layers away from her face, I notice the dark circles under her eyes, aging her beyond the rest of her features. “We just stopped by to get a feel for the place, if that's okay?”
We usually have an open day once a month for all prospective families, but there's something about her that urges me to bend the routine. “Why don’t the three of us go for a walk.” I look down and smile at the face peeking up. “Let’s see if Lily likes it here.”
I show her around, explaining each playroom, and what age groups go where.
“Down. Down. Down,” Lily chants when we reach the sandpit.
“Can I?” I ask Max, flicking my eyes over to the kids playing across from us.
“Actually.” She extends her arms and I take it as my cue to hand Lily back to her. “We have a bunch of errands today and I would rather her not be covered in sand.”
“Of course.” I smile as Lily effortlessly climbs her way back to Max.
“Let’s go to my office and I can give you a starter pack.”
I finish off the usual spiel as we take a seat at the small circular table in the middle of the room. Piling the papers in order of importance, I hand them to her. “How many days are you looking at?”
“We’re really hoping for every day,” she answers, her voice bordering desperation.
“Full-time work,” I assume. “It’s a rough gig. I get it.”
“You have kids?” She eyes me curiously.
“She’s sixteen now, not much of a kid. Pretty much takes care of herself.”
“Are you kidding?” She squeaks. “What? Were you a teenage mum?” Her curiosity seems innocent, but the usual disbelief and stereotype that comes along with the question ruffles my feathers. “You don't look a day over twenty-six.”
I offer her a tight smile, a slight irritation surfacing, the compliment unable to taper down the need to defend myself. “I was fourteen. I’m thirty.”
“Shit.” Her voice and eyes drift off, no longer referring to the conversation between us. “I can’t imagine fourteen-year-old me having a baby.”
“Shit,” Lily parrots. “Max. Shit. Max. Shit.”
Like a vacuum, our joint laughter sucks the tension out of the room.
“So, five days for Lily?”
“Yeah. We— I mean her dad.” She looks down at the little girl, shaking her head like she's said too much or something wrong. “It’s just a busy time right now.”
Against every single number, every piece of paperwork I was working on earlier, and my general common sense of how my own centre is run, I give her paperwork to fill out and tell her I'll be calling her soon.
I lead her out and promise to be in touch. Returning to the office, I meet Holly who has suspicion written all over her face.
“We can't fit that family in.”
“Who said that’s what I was doing?” I lie.
“Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes, Sasha. I know you.”
I occupy myself with the coffee machine, avoiding her stare as I resign to telling her the truth. “I’m staying back tonight. I'll make it work.”
“Unless you're going to kick a family out, I don't know how.”
“I’ll figure it out.”
“Why are you so hell-bent on it anyway?” she insists. “We turn dozens of families away every couple of months.”
With the hot cup settled between my palms, I turn to face her. “Some people just need a little help.”
“Did she say anything?” she asks me pointedly. “Because I know you have a soft spot for those sob stories.”
I roll my eyes and ignore what’s meant to be an insult, even if she’s right. “It was what she didn't say.” She looked tired and confused. Like she needed a minute to think, or to plan, and the thought of doing that with Lily around all the time was impossible.
“Whatever, Mother Teresa, you stay here all night working on the impossible, while I enjoy leaving early, and tangling up with my girlfriend on the couch.”
“If I can’t make it work, I won't,” I reassure her. “I just feel like I need to try.”
Her shoulders rise in a soft and sympathetic shrug. “You know I trust you, but you don’t owe that lady anything other than putting them on the waiting list.”
“You know I can’t help it.”
“I do, but you do enough already, Sasha.” Her voice turns soft, her earlier frustration disappearing. “You give up any spare time you have and offer help to the young pregnant girls at the local high school.”
“This isn’t that.”
“Don’t get technical, you know what I mean,” she says sternly. “I don’t know who you’re trying to save, Sasha, but it’s impossible to help everyone.”
“I have the means and the time, there’s no crime in putting it all to good.”
“There isn’t, but don’t get too carried away at the expense of everything you’ve worked so hard to build.”
I nod in understanding and wait for her to head out back to the main floor. I know she means well, but it’s been this way forever; see people struggling trying to juggle parenthood and the rest of their lives and I feel compelled to help. If I can provide even one person the support system that my mum gave me, then I want to. Sometimes it’s an impossible task, and other times I have everything to change someone’s life at my fingertips.
Those times are my favourite.
2
Jay
“Are you going to wear that look of disgust on your face every time you walk through
the front door?” Max’s voice from the kitchen has me biting my tongue, hard, forcing back the snarky retort I usually grace her with. Instead I ignore her and go search for Lily. She's sitting in her room, the only place in this godforsaken house I’ve even bothered to make feel like a home, flicking through her favourite books.
“Hey, Lilypad.” Her head snaps up at the sound of my voice, and I wait for my favourite expression to grace her face.
“Daddy,” she calls out, holding her hands up in the air for me to take her. Invading her space, I choose to sit beside her on the plush light grey carpet, and hoist her into my lap.
“How’s my girl?” She hands me a book I haven’t seen before. “What’s this?”
“Present,” she utters with a lisp.
“From Max?” I ask. She shakes her head but doesn’t clarify. “Where’s it from?”
“School. School. School,” she chants.
Rising with her in my arms, I head back to the kitchen to Max. “What is she talking about?”
“I don’t know,” she responds nonchalantly while slicing up fruit for Lily. “She’s three, she’s always babbling about something.”
“She said something about a school.”
“I took her to a childcare today.” She lowers her head, avoiding my eyes. “I was thinking of getting her enrolled.”
“We spoke about this,” I grit out. “What’s wrong with you taking care of her like we agreed?”
“I don’t want to do this, Jay.”
Lily squirms in my arms, and I release her, grateful that for now, she is oblivious to my new reoccurring, and not so pleasant mood. Playing house with Max is the last thing I wanted to do, but when my plan to rent out a place in the suburbs instead of moving back into my Dad’s didn’t work out as quick as I needed it to; I had to think smarter, and not work myself harder. No matter how much being here, and cleaning up a mess I didn’t make is going to impact the carefully constructed life I’ve built for Lily and me.
“I didn’t plan for this either, but I’m out of choices here.”
Rectify (A Redemption Novel Book 3) Page 2