“I’m sorry, Leo. If I did anything…”
“See that is where you trip up,” he says, snuffing out his cigar and taking a step closer. “Don’t ever be sorry. Own it, and don’t let it own you. Fight Rose. In my line of work that is the only damn choice I have ever had. Ever been given. And you know what it has taught me, that even if the world says I live by a different code than most, the only way for any of us to ever survive is to fucking fight.”
“You don’t know…”
“What you’re fighting?” He says, cutting me off and making me slightly defensive. “Shit, we’re all fighting something different Rose. What we all are waring with might not be the same, but the way we conquer it, defeat it, finally let it not rule our fucking lives will always be similar.”
He starts to walk towards the house and I find my feet instinctively following. His presence does that to you. It gives you an overwhelming need to hang around, eager to see, hear what he may do next. My defenses lower as I realize he’s right. Fight. Own it. Remind myself every damn time I take a breath that I am alive, I am in charge, and I will always win, if I do that one simple thing that the voice inside me tries to get me to ignore I have the right to do, fight.
“Sometimes life and the shit in it will always try and drag you down,” he says, as we walk closer to the house. “Always try and pull you back under. But in those times remind yourself of one fucking truth.”
He stops and pauses. My mind goes blank, is this a test? I look in his eyes with a questioning frown on my face and wonder if he is waiting for me to speak, but he smiles and then continues.
“Your course in life is like an arrow, Rose. You can only charge forward sometimes by being pulled back.” He lifts his arms and makes a gesture like he is shooting a bow. The small action makes me almost giggle because this man doesn’t look like the type to do such a thing in his expensive suit and tie, but before he drops his arms he turns to me and winks, breaking up the tension that has been hanging in the air around us and lightening the mood making me understand now why he did so as he slowly lowers his arms back to his side and a piece of my soul warms and trusts him.
“When life is dragging you back into all its stress, anxiety, pain, regret, remember that means it’s about to launch you into something great.” The door to the house opens and Justin steps outside, frantic and shaken up. His eyes meet mine and I see him exhale as a small amount of anxiety leaves his frame. “Just remember,” Leo says as he nudges my side and takes a step towards the door. “Focus. Keep aiming. Be prepared every damn day to confront your own self-sabotage. It’s the only way you’ll ever win.” I look up to meet his stare and smile. “And never ever stop fucking fighting.”
He winks once again before turning and patting Justin on the shoulder as he walks past. “We can debrief you in the morning, J.” I hear him say as my eyes catch a glimmer of a gold band on his finger in the moonlight. His wife, wherever she is, is one lucky woman and I am sure she’s a fighter just like him. He walks through the door to the house and I silently thank him for that little bit of insight he just gave me, much like Brittany this afternoon. My eyes raise and catch those of the man Leo has just left me with, the one that is standing, starring in my eyes and questioning us like I never intended as an old trigger caused me to run.
“Rose,” he begins as he thrusts his fingers through his hair in frustration and takes a step forward. But I raise my hand, silencing him like I did just a few minutes before. His eyes meet mine again. A worried anxious look in his stare. But as I let myself smile his eyes fill with a slight confusion.
“There is more in my past, Justin, more than I even care to remember, admit, and I hate that it hurts you.”
“Rose I…” He begins to say, worry evident in every word.
“Please, let me finish.” He takes a step back and I watch as he swallows hard and his jaw sets, clenched, anxious. He shoves his hands in his pockets as more concern fills his eyes. “I hate that I am broken,” he goes to speak but I shake my head. “That I need things I haven’t been able to understand, to recognize. In you. In myself.”
“Rose, you’re not broken. I swore I’d always protect you, Liam, Olivia. There is nothing I wouldn’t do…”
“I know.” I whisper, cutting him off. “I need you, God how I need you Justin. How I’ll always need you. But you know what, I am realizing that I need myself too. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can fight. Rely on me. With your help,” I add as his gaze falls to the floor. He quickly looks up as a look or relief washes over him and he takes a few steps forward. “I’m sorry I have triggers. I’m sorry I won’t always do everything right. That things you say or do might make me want to run. Withdrawal. Retreat and stay some place where I have told myself it’s safer, inside my mind, even though I know it’s not.”
“I’d never do or say anything intentionally to hurt you, Sunshine. What happened before…”
“I know that too. Trust me I do,” I laugh nervously as he reaches my side and lifts his hand to my face brushing a stray strand of hair out of my eyes. “I don’t care what happened before. I’ve never cared. You’ve shown me strength. You’ve shown me safety. Security, when I never dreamed I could ever feel those things, be worthy of those things.” My voice trails off as he takes my face in his hands. “You told me once you were no savior. No deliverer. But you’re more. So much more.”
He smiles as he leans in and places a tender kiss to my lips, “How so?” He teases, as his hands fall and pull me closer and I can feel his grin against my mouth.
“You’ve stood by me and protected me, my children, when I couldn’t even do so myself.” He pulls back at my words and stares me in the eyes, not agreeing and battling with his own demons. “You’ve guarded my heart. My soul. My life. And I know you always will because even when I run, even when I can’t find my way back to myself you’re always there, always pulling me through. Helping me keep my head above water. Silencing the storm and giving me a shelter I know will never fail me.”
“Rose…”
“You don’t see it yet, Justin.” I say, as I pull him closer and hold on to him tightly. “But you will. I’ll make sure of it. Just like you helped me see everything in myself I was missing.”
He cocks his head to the side and smiles. “How did I get so lucky, Sunshine?” I laugh because he has no idea just how much I’m the fortunate one in this relationship. His tenacity to put up with my fear, anxiety, sudden detachments included. “Honestly?” He questions when I look back in his eyes.
“I don’t know. One day, I looked up, and you were there.” He smiles as the memory floats back to both of us. “You’ll always be there. I know it. I trust it. Just like I trust you, and I am finally learning to trust myself.”
“I will always be there, Sunshine.” He says, tightening his grip on my waist and bringing me a step closer. “And I know a place where I’d rather us both be than out here right now, so I can show you just how much I plan to always be there.”
A small laugh escapes me as he kisses my lips tenderly before I feel his warm breath on my cheek, he kisses me again softly, before moving lower to my neck. “Is that so?” I tease back as he grabs my waist and pulls me closer, flush against his torso and hips. “Now I am the lucky one.”
His right hand raises as he desperately commands my body towards his. Grabbing the back of my neck, he pulls away but holds me still as he stares me in the eyes. “That day, the first time I heard your voice and couldn’t get to you fast enough. When I saw you, it was like nothing I have ever felt before. I could feel you in my soul, Rose, when I was used to feeling nothing. I’ve never felt anything that strong before. Not ever. The moment you let me in, let me feel all that I was missing in life, you had all of me. Forever. Even when I tried to fight it. I was always only yours. What you’ve been through, it’s living proof that someone can walk through darkness and still shine brighter than the damn sun.” His thumb comes up and brushes against my lower lip. “My Su
nshine.”
“Show me what it feels like to be yours, Justin,” I whisper as his words hit my heart harder than expected and I suddenly realize something we have been both ignoring. That tomorrow everything can change. He’s facing someone, something, I never could to get my son back. If all goes right, we’ll have nothing to worry about. But if it fails?
“Always have. Always will.” He whispers as his lips lower to mine.
“Forever.”
Chapter 7
Justin
My arms wrap tighter around her as I enter our room and push the door closed with my foot. She whimpers as my tongue traces the curve of her neck. Soft. Addictive. Her fucking skin against mine searing a memory into my heart I will take with me forever.
“Make love to me Justin,” she whispers in my ear as my hands find her zipper on the back of her dress. Slowly I lower it down the curve of her spine. My fingertips trailing delicately across her skin.
“Show me how, Rose, just like you always have, and I will do whatever you say for as long as I live.” My mouth closes over her neck as I suck her flesh into a pleasurable pain. She lets out a moan as she walks backward into the room and her fingers fumble with my zipper. “I’ll always make love to you, Sunshine. I could never stop.”
Unzipping my slacks, her hands roam up my torso as she begins to unbutton my dress shirt. “If all we have is tonight,” she pants, as my hands lower the straps of her dress before I gently pull down the lace fabric of her bra and suck one of her perk nipples into my mouth.
“Then I don’t want to see tomorrow,” I finish for her as I release her and my thumb brushes across her peek seconds before I aggressively pull down the other side of her bra and suck the other breast in between my lips. She gasps from the sensation as her knees begin to give out and I instinctively tighten my grip around her waist.
She fists her hands in my hair as I pull the dress down her tiny frame and kneel before her. Reaching up, I unclasp her bra as the dress falls to the floor and my hands fall down her waist, her hips, to the only thing left keeping me from the sweet flavor of her. I look up and catch her eye as my fingertips lightly brush across her clit. Her hips buck forward and I catch them in my strong hands, holding her closer towards me as I stare in her eyes and lick up the fabric covering her pussy.
“Dear God,” she purrs, as my mouth covers over her nub and begins to suck making her wetness grow as her panties dampen and I taste every last drop of paradise on earth. Greedily, I release her nub only to pull the fabric to the side before forcing her lips apart and sticking my tongue inside her. “Sweet heaven, don’t stop,” she moans above me. “Don’t ever stop,” she whispers, as I stick a finger inside her tight folds. But heaven or hell couldn’t force me away right now because all I want, all I’ll ever want, is her.
Her hips thrust against my mouth, hungry for more as I dip another finger inside her and hear her scream out. Fuck she has no clue how damn sexy she is when she does that. When her body is on the brink of giving us both what we want. For her? Her climax, and me? The fucking enjoyment I get from giving it to her body as I kneel before a woman I don’t deserve. The best fucking piece of me, and something I thought I’d never be lucky enough to find.
I feel her knees buckle once again as her walls tighten. Licking up her slit one last time, I pull my fingers from inside her as I stand and stick them in my mouth, savoring every last drop of her beautiful taste until the next time tonight I let myself have her that way. Eagerly, she pushes my dress shirt off my shoulders and I make quick work of kicking my slacks to the floor. Her hands fall to my hips as she pushes my briefs to my knees before she starts to back up and turn to make our way to the bed. But I grab her around the wrist and force her back towards me as I kick out of my boxers.
“I may have been lost before, Sunshine, but I found myself the day I found you. I’ll love you until the day I die. And even after, I’ll love you then. Because you’ve showed me how to, Rose. When I was dead, your light brought me back to life. And I will try every damn day to be the man you see when you look at me. I promise.”
Her eyes tear over as I run my fingers down her back. She goes to speak but I can’t let her, not just yet, and so I hold my fingers against her lips to silence her. I need her to understand, need her to feel every single bit of what I just said. She opens her mouth and sucks my finger pressed against her lips inside her wet mouth and I groan as I pull her against me with the need building to be inside her. Hoisting her up in my arms, she wraps her legs around me perfectly and holds onto me tightly. Just like I will always hold on to her. To her light. My fucking everything.
Lifting her slightly, I slowly lower her down on my length as her mouth falls open from the heavenly feeling and my own groans fill the room. Her body fits together with mine perfectly and I hold her there, in the middle of the room, darkness all around, but all I feel, all I know that’s real, is us. Our light. Our truth. The perfect way both our lives crashed into one another’s and made us finally begin to breathe again. I know I don’t see what she does in me, and maybe I never will, but with her by my side I know I can try.
She lifts her hips and rocks back down onto my shaft causing my head to fall back and a growl to escape my lips. Looking back in her eyes, I feel her love more than ever before as she lifts her hips again and this time I meet her as I thrust up inside her warm center. She screams my name as my mouth covers over hers and my tongue dives into her mouth just as my cock thrusts up inside her again.
My world goes black as I turn, take a few steps and feel her wet pussy slowly lower down my dick once more as I push her back up against the wall. Fuck me, she feels so damn good my body feels fucking high from the pleasure of being inside her. My hips pick up their pace as I back away from her, our breathing quickens and she bites down on her bottom lip, her nails digging into my shoulders as I pound into her center over and over again needing her to feel and know just how much she means to me. Just how much I love her, and always will.
Her hands trail down the center of her chest and I watch as she lowers them to her clit and I see her begin to pleasure herself, but fuck, she has me all wrong if she thinks she ever needs to do a job that is my fucking priority in the first place. Pulling her towards me, I quickly make my way to the bed and lay her down never once breaking our connection. Holding her hands above her head, I back away and watch as her wet core pulls me in before I reluctantly pull out and drive back inside her harder. With my free hand I find her clit and rub in circles, stroking, caressing, coaxing her orgasm from her and look up to see she’s so damn close as her eyes hold mine and her body feels every fucking bit of pleasure I can give her, and always will.
“Justin..” she warns, as my hips rock faster, my finger brushes against her nub harder and both our eyes fill with need, urgency, a fighting determination to bring us both to our finish.
“I love you, Rose.” I growl, as her body pushes up towards mine moments before she crashes over the edge. “Until the day I die, I’ll always love you.”
She screams seconds before I capture her lips with a kiss and I find my release inside her. She’s my everything. My whole world. And I would do anything I have to do to protect her, cherish her, guard her heart, her light and keep her safe. Always have. Always will. And I’ll fight to be the man she deserves, the man she sees, until the very last fucking breath I take.
Cuba
1.5 years ago
My feet fall in step next to Leonardo’s as we make our way down the darken corridor. “When we get in, step back and let me make the ID. Have your damn recorder going and don’t fucking say a word until I tell you to.”
I nod. My nerves at an all-time high as we turn a corner and he takes the lead. Looking up, I see two men guarding a door at the far side of the hallway. Leo gives them a slight nod and says something in Russian which causes the bigger one of the two to let down his defenses as he lowers his rifle and speaks something into his head piece. I catch the eye of the smaller man to the
left and notice he watches me closely. An odd look in his eyes that I can’t deceiver but throws up warning signals as he stares back at me, just like the way Natalie looked at me yesterday.
“Ramon Helin is expecting you. The shipment is late. He is not pleased.” The bigger of the two men says as he opens the door leading to stairs descending into a dark basement.
“Is he now?” I hear Leo taunt, not giving one fuck just who we are dealing with. “Well, I’ll see what I can do about that,” he looks back at me and gives me a nod signaling to follow as he buttons his suit jacket and begins to make his way through the door.
I watch him take the first few steps down the stairs before I follow.
Giving the two gentlemen at the door a tight smile, I force myself to remain focused as I trail close behind Leo and pray to God this night goes as planned. But just as I am about to pass through, the smaller of the two men force me up against the door and begin patting down my sides.
“He’s fucking clean,” I hear Leo hiss out as he quickly climbs the steps again and forces the bastards hands off of me. With a shaky soul I turn around and straighten myself up. My heart hammers out of my chest but I don’t let any of the men in front of me see.
“Yemu luchshe byt’,” (He better be) I hear the larger one hiss out slowly as he takes a step forward and glares in my eyes. I have no clue what the bastard said, a warning at best, but I stand my ground as Leo speaks for me.
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