by Lilly Wilder
A week later
“Well, at least things are going to return to normal around here pretty quickly.” Gerard said over the dinner table. Well, that was my cue.
“Actually, I’ve been meaning to tell you all something.”
“Whatever it is dear, don’t worry. The past is in the past. We’re all gunning for a fresh start.” How hilarious. If he only knew how eternally intertwined the past and present were.
“You see that’s just it. I’m talking about something that happened in the past sure. But it affects us presently. And certainly, in the future.”
“Okay, well can you please spell it out for us. We’re more of the beefy than intellectual type.” Ian stuck out his tongue at me. Smart ass.
“I’ve gotten you all a gift. I think that will explain it better.” I passed around three gift bags. They all stared at me like I’d just punched them in the face. “Go ahead. Open them. They won’t bite.” I hope they appreciated my sense of humor. It wasn’t always something that I was celebrated for. Gerard was first to tear into his gift. He yanked the tissue paper from the bag and unfolded the tiny little garment. It was a onesie with the phrase, “Witch one of you is my daddy?” written on it.
“Oh my God!!!!!” Gerard screamed
“Are you sure?” Adam yelled.
Ian was busy unwrapping his, I’m over the moon for you, mug. “What are you guys yelling about, I don’t get it.”
Adam threw his gift at Ian. Ian unraveled the rolled-up print of a sonogram. “What is this an x-ray?”
“No you idiot! She’s having a baby!”
“Who?” Ian looked at Vivica. Geez.
“Me dummy!” I started laughing. We all stood up and gathered in a hug. “So, really, like how am I going to know which one of you is the father?”
“Does it matter?” Adam asked. Gerard looked at me. He knew what I had told him about Arkan. There was going to be some question as to who the child belonged to. Ian looked at me and said, “I don’t care which one of us knocked you up. I can’t wait to be a father.”
Gerard and Adam exchanged pained glances. What was that all about? The moment flickered and then they turned towards me with smiles. They were genuine, but something else was going on.
“We’re so incredibly happy for you.” Adam kissed me on the cheek. Gerard wrapped me in a tighter hug. They all turned to Vivica.
“I guess you’re next love. Get ready.” And they started making cat calls and whistling.
Vivica rolled her eyes. “Ya’ll are going to have to try a lot harder than that to get me in bed. I’ll let you know when I’m ready for some dick again.”
Vivica came up behind me and squeezed around my waist. “Now I need to go take care of your woman. She’s been extra sexy lately and I don’t want to waste it.” She winked and kissed me on the neck. The cock-tease. She’d been fondling me in front of them and making out with me randomly just to get a rise out of them. But, she hadn’t joined us in bed yet. I didn’t blame her. I knew that we were going to have to have some boundary discussions soon though. Vivica wanted to make love every night, but I was starting not to have time for my breeders. Like all things, it wasn’t so easily communicated. But, something had shifted.
One day I’d opened up to her about how my pregnancy was making me think about Maya. She really didn’t like that. Ever since she’d been clingy and needy. But, for now, we were a family. I wrapped my arm around my own belly and groaned.
“I hate to play the expecting mother card guys, but I’ve gotta get to bed.” I pulled away from them all and went to go brush my teeth.
While I was brushing my teeth, I rubbed my belly. Vivica, Adam, Ian, Gerard, and even Maya, they were all secondary now. “It’s just you and me baby. You and me. Forever.” I rinsed my mouth, spit in the sink and rinsed. I’d been brushing my teeth six times a day since the morning sickness had reared its ugly head. At least though, the baby was healthy. That’s all that mattered. I looked at myself one last time in the mirror, flicked off the lights, and made my way to the bed. Pulling the covers over my shoulders, I snuggled into the soft sheets.
When Vivica tiptoed in a few minutes later, I pretended to be asleep. She wrapped her arms around me and nuzzled into my neck. When her fingers brushed my stomach, I felt the flutter of butterflies. I knew it was too early to feel him or her yet. Yes, I love you. You’re safe and warm. Stay with me my little one. I’ll be seeing you soon. Flutter, flutter. Rolling over onto my shoulder, I shrugged off Vivica, palmed my lower belly, and drifted off.
-1 Month Later-
My mind was wiped. That orgasm was intense. Every muscle in my body was exhausted. Ian and Gerard were curled up on either side of me, while Adam lay on top of my stomach. I ran my fingers through their damp hair. Every time I thought that we were in a rut, we ended up trying something new. Although I’d never considered myself much of an actress, we decided to take advantage of some of our past events. Vivica came back into the bedroom. She climbed onto the bed and crashed right on top of us.
It’s funny how, in a group, we feel anonymous. In fact, we’re more exposed than ever before. I’d never thought about it before, until I saw an intimate brush of hands. Gerard and Adam were transfixed with each other. I kicked myself for not seeing it sooner. They had fallen in love. It was obvious, the way they favored each other. But, it wasn’t until we invited Vivica into our group did I see it clearly. They had fallen out of rhythm with the group and were intimately familiar with each other’s actions. I wanted them to know it was okay. I understood. Sometimes, monogamy creeps up on people.
“I’m going to write a letter.”
“To who?” Ian inquired.
“Maya.” Vivica answered. I poked her in the ribs.
“Stop telling my secrets.”
“I would if you weren’t so obvious about it.” She was right about that. I’d been lovesick for Maya from the start. I just didn’t want to admit it. I loved having group sex. But, Maya was my person. Something about catching Adam and Gerard holding hands the other day had made me weepy and nostalgic. I hopped out of bed and went to my desk. Grabbing my journal and a pen that I loved, I brought them back to bed. Squishing in between Gerard and Vivica, I propped myself up on my elbows and began to write.
Maya,
A month into being a breeder and I’ve already had more adventures than I could have ever dreamed. Having my first foursome (and five-some…where does the orgy line begin?) was fun and exciting, but I’ve learned that fun only gets you so far.
When I first arrived, my friend Vivica and I were tricked into a foursome by two of the tribe members that were peddling breeders out to other tribes for cash. Vivica and some of the other breeders were kidnapped (and returned), but I was also supposed to be one of those women.
I also didn’t realize how much I took for granted being a witch. Since I’ve been here, I’ve barely practiced. My inspiration has dried up. At first, I couldn’t figure out what that was. But, of course, like all things hindsight is 20/20.
The main piece missing from my life is you. Even after all of our years together, you inspire me. Without you, I have no reason to engage in magic. I’m adrift, lost, and even with this large purpose of being a breeder, I’m purposeless. I need you by my side. Selfish, I know. This letter has only been about my needs and had very little to do with what you need or want from me. I’m sorry for that. But, I’m not sorry for needing you.
If you miss me, please come see me. I’m laying low because of our recent excitement, but I would love to see you. I beg you, please. Even if it’s only to tell me what a wank I am.
All my love,
Cat
Two Months Later
Maya,
I would be lying if I said your silence isn’t painful. However, I’ve had quite a bit to reflect on. And, I have a happy announcement. I’m pregnant!!!!! I’ve got my first prenatal appointment this week and I’m extremely excited. The tribe is j
ust now getting back to normal.
Living in a tribe with a bunch of people is sometimes frustrating. You know that I’m used to getting my way all of the time. You can’t if you are living for the tribe.
However, I’m extremely happy that I’m finally pregnant. I’m pretty sure that I know who the father is even though there are several possibilities. #sorrynotsorry. Two of my breeders are actually secretly in love with each other, but they won’t admit it. Do you think I should let them know, I know? Perhaps it could be the gentle reminder they need that life is short. Of course, it could also be embarrassing and painful.
I’ve had lots more time to think about what I want. I’m grateful. Although practicing magic is a part of me that will always exist, I’d like to study a different type. Instead of worrying about seduction and trickery, I’m going to start learning about healing.
Ironically, the witch that warned me has joined our tribe. She was sick of the fighting. She says she’s too old for something to cost her that much time and energy. I’ve begun studying with her.
And in the end, I still don’t feel like becoming a breeder was a mistake. As a breeder, I’m supported and free to do as I want. I don’t need to think about the next hustle. I’ve finally got the means to stand still and invest in myself. Finally, I can honor the witch in me. And not in the way I’ve been told to. In the way that I want. And in a way that aligns with my inner self. And the Goddess led me here. I have no doubts.
Where will the Goddess lead you? I hope and pray she leads you to me. I still miss you. Even though I’m pissed that you haven’t answered me, I promise you’re forgiven in advance. Just come. See me.
Love,
Cat
Three Weeks Later
I’m having twins! Can you believe it? Two babies! The Goddess is extremely generous in her blessings. I’m over the moon.
Here’s the thing. I’m sorry. For leaving. For not trying to contact you until now. For taking you for granted when you were so easily still in my arms.
Vivica and I have discussed it to my wit’s end. Running away from intimacy is easy for me. I apologize that I never learned to sit with my feelings.
Being a part of such a large relationship has taught me to manage my own emotions and to communicate better. But as much as I care for these people that I’m building my life around, it’s you that I find myself missing. What’s wonderful is that the love I’m surrounded by is so pure, it can’t be jealous. I want Adam and Gerard to deepen their love together. I want Ian and Vivica to experience as much joy and pleasure with others as possible. And if you don’t want what I’m asking for yourself, I want you to find it with someone else. Because you deserve to be loved enthusiastically and holistically. Again, I’m sorry for never telling you that.
Love,
Cat
A Month Later
Maya,
I saw my twins today on the ultrasound screen. They were both turned away. I’d hoped to learn whether I’m having two girls or two boys, but that’s a surprise for another day.
Here’s the thing, I’m sitting here growing two beings inside of me. It’s a freaking thing. Freaky and confusing. Because on one hand, it scares me that my life could be irrevocably different at any moment. On the other hand, I welcome those two souls into being. I feel like I already know them. And I want you to know them too.
If I’m bothering you, I’d also like to hear that. When you’re silent, it feels like you’re just listening to me, like you always did. Perhaps it’s just my imagination, but it feels as if we’re having a conversation.
I miss you damnit.
Cat
-5 Weeks later-
Maya,
I look like I swallowed a basketball. You would enjoy this. Remember how you used to tease me about only gaining weight in my thighs? Well, not any longer. I’m all belly these days. Not that I mind. There is a certain freedom in delightful roundness. Not one that I ever experienced before this.
When we used to meet with new men, I would suck in my gut as tight as I could. Our lovers only saw me in pre-rehearsed poses. Now, I’m happy to let it all hang out. This is going to be my last message. I’m hoping that your preparing your thoughts, sitting in nature and observing, and letting your heart decide.
I’ll be waiting.
Cat
-10 Months Later-
Little baby Rose and Rowan slept silently in Rose’s crib. Their adorable smushed faces were perfectly plump and round. It was all I could do not to reach out and squeeze them, but I didn’t dare. Sleep was hard to come by these days.
How did women on the outside do it? Even with all of the resources the tribe provided me: a full-time ex-breeder, a nurse, a personal trainer, and Goddess knows who else comes in here to help, I’m still having trouble keeping up with the demands of motherhood.
Even with Vivica and Maya right next door, I sometimes feel alone in this fantastical spinning circus that is now my life. And of course, now they’ve got their own little shapeshifters to run their days.
Although I’m glad Vivica stayed, we’re not as close as we once were. Rylan, her breeder, has a voracious appetite for all things Vivica. She had twins a few weeks ago and I’ve only visited once. I’m not sure things will ever be the same again, but I’m glad she’s happy.
As always, Maya was quite the surprise. Months after I sent my letters to her with no response, she showed up to the next breeding tryouts. I was so happy to see her that I forgot all about tribal protocol. After throwing my arms around her and enveloping her in a huge hug, I badgered her for details. She’d decided that she’d give it a shot. But, she warned me at the first threat of discomfort, she was out of the forest and back into the cabin. She’s due in the spring.
She’s got two shapeshifters living with her; Dart and Blink. And if you can believe it, they’ve been almost pleasant. I wouldn’t give her up for anything. She’s not forgiven me entirely, but she’s here. I’m not sure where we’ll end up, but we’re learning about each other again. I hope that one day, she’ll trust me. I’ve laid my heart out on the table. That’s the important thing.
And of course, my breeders. Adam, Ian and Gerard. Adam and Gerard moved out after the babies were born. Ian and I are working on finding two compatible men for our family, but for now it’s just us.
After more tribes began opening up to witches and humans, word got around. We’ve got new tryouts classes every month. I’m confident we’ll find new and exciting partners to breed with. But, for now, where we are is enough.
The babies begin to cry, pulling me away from my daydreams. I pick up Rose and Ian grabs Rowan. We’ve got our man-on-man defense down pat. I swing Rose from side to side while Ian sings folk tunes in Rowan’s ear. After a few minutes, their gurgling and hiccupping replaces the wailing, and all is right with the world. For now. I cradle Rose to my chest and smell her powdery skin. Ian smiles at me from across the room.
It really was a shame about Arkan. He’ll never know his children. Another man is going to provide for the family he betrayed. But, watching Ian with these precious babies of mine, I’m not worried in the slightest.
We’re warriors in our own right. Battling hunger and colic, fever and dirty diapers, we’re a united front. And until those inevitable waves of change arrive, here we stay heart’s full and a bit weary.
*****
THE END
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