“My physical strength is fine, but I won’t deny that I need to work on bonding with my vampire side. I really appreciate your input today, Evander. Thank you.”
Pushing his chair back, he stood from the table. “I know some of you find it hard to believe, but I am on your side. Since the day my mother died, I have lived a life I wasn’t proud of. I have every intention of making things right before Prime can grow more powerful.”
Without waiting for a response, he strode out of the room. I had already assumed that was how Evander felt about this life, yet I waited to see what Jameson and Solomon thought about the revelations.
“Do you believe him?” Jameson asked me.
“I do. Though, I also think his motivations might be selfish, even though he wants to do the right thing. He has tried to do it since the day we met him. He may have killed me at one point, but when he discovered I was still alive, I knew he hadn’t meant to do so.”
Glancing at Solomon, I was curious as to what he thought of Evander. His fingers steepled beneath his chin as he moved his stare between Jameson and me.
“Lavinia is right, and because of that, we still need to be cautious. Even though he wants to do the right thing now, it doesn’t mean we will always agree on what that is.”
“So, what do we do now?” I asked.
“Today is supposed to be a training day for the crew, and we need to stick with that schedule for as long as possible,” Solomon replied. “Jameson, I will need you with me. Lavinia, you should heed Evander’s advice on bonding with your vampire side.” His gaze focused on me. “You have far exceeded our expectations in combat training, but if there is still fear within you, then none of that will be any good to you.”
For a man who hadn’t known the woman I had grown to be, he was too good at reading me. I didn’t bother arguing his point; I had already come to that conclusion myself. Nevertheless, hearing him speak the words out loud felt like a slap to the face. After all I had accomplished, knowing I still had more to overcome was painful, to say the least.
Solomon stood from the table and Jameson followed, but I remained seated as I tried to sort out how I was supposed to truly connect with my vampire side.
The sound of Jameson clearing his throat forced my eyes to meet his, then he turned toward Solomon. “Can I have a few minutes with Lavinia?”
“I’ll meet you in the back fields.”
Walking around to my side of the table, Jameson tugged me up from my chair and pulled me into his arms. “Don’t let fear hold you back from greatness. I didn’t have the same darkness within me that you speak of, but I still had a moment when I was forced to accept what I truly was.”
“When was that?” I asked.
“When I thought Dom was going to kill you. I needed to embrace all that I was, if I had any chance of beating him to save you. I know you don’t have that kind of motivation right at this moment, but it’s not just about motivation, it’s about acceptance. You have struggled with who you are for a long time now, been afraid that people won’t love you if you’re a monster, but you’re not, nor could you ever be a monster. When you truly believe that being a vampire doesn’t have to be a bad thing, that is when I think you’ll be ready.”
Tears pricked at my eyes. There was a lot of truth in his words, and I couldn’t argue any of it. Constant doubt plagued my mind. From the moment I realized I was different, I feared no longer being accepted by those I cared about the most. The feeling intensified when I learned Prime was my birth father, and even more so when Solomon told us of two possibilities for my future.
Jameson lifted my chin before placing a soft kiss to my forehead. “Take today for you. I’ll be here waiting when you are done.”
His lips found mine in a chaste kiss, and before I knew it, he had disappeared out the door. I stood in the office, unsure of where I was supposed to go from there. Doubt trickled in, and I wasn’t sure if I could do what everyone was asking of me.
I wasn’t certain I could accept all of who I was supposed to be.
Chapter Six
After going back to our room to change into my training clothes, I made my way to the opposite side of the island—where I was least likely to encounter any other hunters or vampires. I tried to focus on myself and find a balance for the force inside me, but before I realized it, the day was more than half over and I hadn’t made nearly as much progress as I had hoped.
My feet sank into the soft, wet sand, while I strode along the beach for over an hour—engulfed in self-reflection. Though, the longer I did so, the more my doubts creeped in. Connecting with the darkness had gotten easier, and I had even learned how to keep the power latent without feeling overwhelmed, but I still held back, and I didn’t know how to break through my hesitation.
I couldn’t be certain why I faltered. The darkness wasn’t bad. I knew that now. It was a gift given by the Sea Witch to all vampires, in the form of the venom currently pumping through my veins. It was a part of me. I had accepted that what Evander said was true.
My steps slowed when I found a spot in the sand to rest—just far enough from the water that the waves couldn’t reach me—and I sat there, ready to lay myself bare, so I could find the answers I sought.
There were two distinct things that I needed to decipher, and ignoring them hadn’t worked so far. It was up to me to figure out what I needed to do, which was simpler said than done.
Everyone that I cared about trusted me even though I had expected them to shun me, like my aunt and uncle had. I had some deep-rooted issues when it came to others accepting me. I could trace it back to the years of knowing I was unwanted and would never belong in that house or in my uncle’s heart. My aunt had done her best, and I knew she loved me, but she was an old-fashioned woman and, at the end of the day, always did as her husband wanted.
I wasn’t a bad person. I did what I felt was right in any given situation, instead of blindly forging ahead with no thought to the people around me. Everything I did was with the people I cared about in mind, which is the exact opposite of what I had grown up knowing.
Tightly-coiled tension eased in a tucked away part of myself, and I sighed. I wasn’t perfect. Forgiving myself for thinking and expecting those things was a huge step in the right direction.
Now, to tackle the other thing that was holding me back: doubt.
After closer consideration, I concluded that my doubt stemmed from fear. Fear for myself and who I was becoming. I hadn’t known who I was back on Port Victory, when I was still betrothed to Pierce. My identity was defined by my future and what I would become. It was the same now, but instead of becoming the lady of Pierce’s plantation, I was a strange half-vampire, half-human, with the purest venom that seemed to be a gift and a curse.
My ears picked up the sound of someone approaching my location, but I ignored them, too absorbed in my own thoughts to care. I was determined to work through my issues alone, and hopefully come out stronger than I had been when I started.
A stray ocean breeze blew by, tossing my dark hair about my face and making me wish I had thought to braid it when I changed earlier. The scent that accompanied the wind filtered through my nose, announcing my unexpected visitor was Solomon—another complication in what had become my life.
Stifling a sigh, I continued to ignore him, even when he sat down beside me. I hated to admit it, but I was sort of glad he had come. His scent and presence comforted me. Though, I wasn’t ready to say the thoughts out loud. It was still a struggle to reconcile that Solomon was also Tobias, the man I had grown up believing was my father. He had spent nearly two decades fighting a rising tide. I could only imagine what he must have seen and experienced during those long years alone, fighting the overwhelming urges. He was a much stronger man than I let myself give him credit for.
Turning my body slightly, I studied his profile. He looked exactly how I remembered him—the vampire venom causing him to age much slower than his human body would have—tall and muscular, with flaxen
hair that he wore long and tied in a tail at the base of his head. To this day, I remembered my mother running her hands through the strands when he held her, after they thought I had gone to bed. Her smile had been one of absolute adoration when she looked at him. There had been no mistaking that she loved him dearly, as I had.
Solomon’s russet eyes took in the watery horizon. I had once thought that my eye color had come from him since my mother’s didn’t match mine, but now that I knew who my birth father was, I realized a new truth. It stood to reason that I had inherited Prime’s eye color, though I had never been able to confirm that as they were always a steady shade of red.
It seemed there wasn’t much I knew about either man, but when we were on Prime’s ship and I stabbed him twice in the chest, I had chosen a side—and a father. Given how my life had developed, and how I had been abandoned, I had every reason to take Prime’s side, but I didn’t. I chose another path. One I was uncertain of and filled me with doubts and fears, threatening to choke me and destroy everything I had worked so hard to become.
“Your mother used to sit on the beach and stare at the horizon like this,” Solomon confessed, finally breaking the silence between us. “That’s how I met her. She was sitting on the sand, her purple dress spread out around her and her shoes off, her toes digging into the wet sand. I mistook her for a siren at first, come to punish me with her beauty, but the expression on her face tore a part of me. She looked so sad and lonely. I couldn’t imagine what type of monster would put such a look on her face, but I instantly knew that, whoever it was, they were not worth another second of her sorrow.”
My aunt had talked very little about my mother, and hearing Solomon talk so freely about her filled my heart with emotions I couldn’t pinpoint.
“I was determined to see her smile, not just then, but forever. I wanted her to be joyful no matter the cost, and for a time, I succeeded. She became my whole world, and when you were born, it was as if my existence was complete. I had everything I could ever want or need. I was happy.”
A small smile spread across his face as he lost himself in the memories, and I hung on every word he spoke. Though, when he began speaking again, his grin faded away.
“Then, I lost everything. In one night, I lost my wife and my daughter. I wanted to die. I begged the Sea Witch to kill me, because continuing to live as a vampire without my family was something I did not want. I almost told her no, almost threw away the second chance she was giving me, but the thought of letting that monster that killed your mother and turned me continue to live gave me pause. You were safe and still alive, but what if he found you, or one of his vampires did?”
Taking a few deep breaths to calm his rising ire, Solomon ran his fingers through his hair and gathered his composure.
“I couldn’t give up on life, knowing the world you were in was no longer protected. So, I agreed to keep living. I was determined to make this world a safe place for you to live in. Though, I didn’t realize then how long that would take. There is no way to predict the future, and I’m sorry that you have been led down this path. As I’ve said before, it’s not something I ever wanted for you.”
Grabbing my hand, he made sure he had my full attention. The wall I had built to keep him out was crumbling down with each passing moment.
“I have remained pure, hoping one day I would see your mother in the afterlife, and that there would come a time when we would be together again. That’s what I live for… what I fight for. Now, I can see the conflict going on inside you, and although I wish I could take it all away for you, this is your own path. You know yourself. You know your heart. You just need to stop doubting it and figure out what you want to live and fight for. You may be Prime’s daughter by blood, but you are also your mother’s. You have more of her in you than you do him. Never forget that.”
Hot tears streamed down my face with his words. We hadn’t mentioned my mother since reuniting, but hearing him talk about her now, though painful, made me want to hear more. No, I needed to hear more. His confession put what he had been through into perspective, making me feel awful for how I had treated him. I called him a coward once, but that was the furthest thing from the truth. Besides Jameson, I never had anyone looking out for my best interest, or so I had thought. Turns out I’d had someone there all along.
Hesitantly, I reached out and gently placed my hand on his arm. He tensed slightly but relaxed after a moment. We sat there in silence while I thought about all he had shared with me and tried to gather my thoughts again.
“Thank you for coming to find me. It means a lot to know more about what happened before,” I whispered, feeling like he needed to hear that from me.
He placed his other hand on top of mine and squeezed. With that gesture, I knew that he had not only heard what I said, but also understood it. If anyone knew how out of sorts I felt, it was him. He had no control over anything that he had been through, but despite that, he was still fighting, still pushing against the currents that bombarded him with every step. I admired him for his tenacity, and I realized that, though he may not be my father by blood, I had gotten at least one of his traits.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, after an extended amount of time sitting in comfortable silence.
I sighed heavily, trying to decide where to begin.
“I feel like I’m being split in two,” I began, my eyes fixed on the now-setting sun, casting its fiery rays across the sea. “On one side is the version of me that the venom wants me to be, fearless and confident. On the other, is the ‘me’ I grew up to be, and my humanity. It’s like I’m being made to choose one or the other. I know I need my vampire’s strength and ruthlessness to defeat Prime, but I fear by doing so, I’ll lose my empathy and compassion… and that’s too high of a price to pay.”
He nodded, weighing my words carefully. “How do you feel about what Evander said, that side of you not being bad but actually a gift from the Sea Witch?”
A shallow laugh escaped my lips at the question. “While growing up, I learned quickly that every gift has conditions, or consequences, we can’t see at the time. My uncle bought me a new dress before taking me for a ride into town, and then introduced me to Pierce. No gift is ever given freely. The Sea Witch may seem neutral in all of this, but she still allowed it to happen.”
“I see your point, but you’re forgetting about free will. She might have gifted Prime with becoming a vampire, but it was he who decided to become what he is now. No one influenced his actions or his behavior, and putting the blame on her is not fair. I’m not saying she isn’t at fault to an extent, but we don’t know the whole story.”
“Your compassion is still intact,” I mused, trying to remain stubborn, but his words were making more sense as we continued talking.
“You forget that I’ve felt the same darkness that you are feeling. What helped me keep my humanity while simultaneously embracing the darkness was the light that remained inside me. You and your mother are my light, and though darkness aids me in this fight, it cannot rid me of its opposite unless I allow it.”
His words warmed my heart and I knew he was right. I needed to find a balance with the darkness within me. I thought of all the people who were my light. Little Nettie with flour on her nose, Alice and her steadfast friendship, Solomon for never abandoning me even when I accused him of doing so, and Jameson for loving me despite what I had become. That was more than enough light to balance out the darkness. I just needed to remember them when I was feeling overwhelmed.
“I’m here for you now, whenever you need me. I promise I won’t leave you again.”
With a final squeeze of my hand, Solomon stood and walked back toward the lights of the estate—they could just be made out in the quickly-fading sunlight. I watched him disappear into the shadows before turning back to the dark ocean that spread out before me. I had learned so much about myself in my time on the beach. I was both overwhelmed and happy that I had made so many breakthroughs today. Final
ly, I was well on my way to figuring out all of this.
As the moon ascended in the night sky, I thought more about Solomon’s earlier words regarding the light and dark we had within us. Deciding to try something new, I searched out my darkness, bringing it to the forefront of my mind. Though, instead of embracing it as I had been practicing all day, I paused its progression and searched out the light Solomon had mentioned.
I pictured Jameson, Alice, Henry, Nathan, Nettie, and even Solomon. Thinking of the happiness they brought to my life, I closed my eyes and called for my humanity. I had no idea if what I was doing was right. I hadn’t asked Solomon if he had used both halves of himself at once, but I followed what felt right, and it seemed to be working.
A spark lit within me. It was dim and struggled against the darkness that was my vampire side, but I sensed its growing strength, and I continued to stoke the flame. Urging it forward, the light grew without much effort on my part. I had no idea how long I had been sitting there, trying to force two opposites together, but I wouldn’t stop trying until I accomplished it.
Evander had said I needed to find my true self, and this was it. I was both human and vampire, and the two needed to be one for me to succeed in the war we were facing.
My stamina was fading, but the light was growing, and I refused to lose my momentum, so I dug deeper within and pushed. Taking less than a minute break, I gathered up the last of my strength and let go of the two opposites.
As the two energies collided, something exploded inside me, urging a scream of agony out of me. Pain ricocheted through me like nothing I had ever felt, and my mind decided to take the hurt away by rendering me unconscious.
Alone, in the dark and on the beach, I had finally succumbed to my true self, but I had no idea if it was a good thing as reality slipped further and further away from me.
Obsidian Horizon Page 5