I pressed my hand against his chest to give myself some room and straightened enough to kiss him on the cheek. “Bye,” I said softly. “I had a really good night.”
He stepped back and slid his hands into his pockets. “Me too. I’ll call you.”
I turned to open my door, away from Will in case he was still standing there. I didn’t want to risk getting pulled into his orbit again, and I might if I made eye contact.
I shut the door behind me and pushed out the glimpse I’d seen of his face, still and expressionless, and sank back into the memory of kissing Jay. It had been so good to feel like I was finally breathing in a Will-free space. Ironic that it happened when my breaths had all been tangled up with Jay’s.
I liked the entanglement. A lot.
* * *
Sophie wasn’t as excited for me when she called me during her prep period the next day.
“‘Supah fly kisses,’ Han? Really? I feel like I need one of my sophomores to translate this text.”
“If you got out of it that Jay kissed me last night, then your translation skills are just fine.”
She squealed, then laughed. “Okay, maybe I’m the sophomore. But I don’t care. He kissed you? Tell me.”
“I guess it’s more accurate to say I kissed him.” I told her the story, getting to the funny part. “And then Jay hears a door, and I look up, and Will is standing there staring at us.”
“No!”
“Yes! But it was fine.” I said. “So apparently the universe is trying to help me out and sent me the anti-Will, which is Jay, who is possibly a cure. Awesome,” I concluded, the words sing-songy in my giddiness.
Sophie was silent.
“Soph? You there?”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Aren’t you excited?”
“Yes.”
It was the kind of yes that was wrapped in a giant “But . . .”
“Then why don’t you sound more excited?”
“It’s just . . . do you like Jay?”
“I just told you how awesome the night was.”
“Yeah, but I guess I’m wondering how much of that is because Jay is truly awesome and you like him for him, and how much is . . .”
“Say what you want to say,” I ordered.
“The middle of your workday is probably not the time to bring this up. Can I come over with ice cream when you’re home from work?”
“No way. I’m going to obsess about this all day now. You can’t tiptoe me up to the edge, then refuse to let me look over.”
“I love you.”
“Stop avoiding the conversation.”
She sighed. “You have a great life. The world’s greatest best friend, a cute place of your own, no debt except student loans. You’re rocking everything. Your fitness, your profession.”
I could hear the “but . . .” again. “Say it.”
“Emotionally, you’re still in high school. That’s when you fell in love with Will, and you’ve never moved past that. Trust me, I see this all day, every day.”
I didn’t even know how to respond to that.
“Hannah? You there?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m so sorry. I’m not saying you’re immature or anything like that. But you are having a different conversation about your love life than most twenty-five-year-olds are having right now. Most of them are talking about moving on from their first live-in boyfriend, not deconstructing a first kiss.”
The words were knives so sharp that she didn’t even have to thrust them at me for the blades to slice deep. “You’re killing me here,” I said, only able to respond at all because her voice had been so full of love and not judgment. “What do you want me to do? Become someone I’m not, push this thing with Jay to a place I’ve never been willing to go so I can, what . . . grow up?” I bit the words out, stunned that Sophie of all people might be suggesting it.
“I know that’s not you. Come on, Hannah. Just hear me out, okay? You’re a relationship novice. It’s okay.”
“Oh, come on. You’ve been front row for all my relationships.”
“Yeah. You’ve had a couple. But none where anything was truly on the line. None of those guys ever had a chance to hurt you because the deepest parts of you were wrapped up in Will. And you couldn’t really hurt them because you never gave them enough of you for them to miss it when you were gone. I mean, maybe there were bruised egos on both sides, but you’ve never been hurt enough to call in sick to work for three days because you couldn’t even function like a human. But you’re in dangerous territory now. I’m worried about you, and I’m worried about Jay.”
“Jay? Why are you worried about him?”
“Because you’re opening up to him a little bit more. And I think you believe you’re truly letting him in, but he’s only going to get so far before you shut him out. And . . . I don’t know. I like him for you. And I think if he’s not into you yet, he’s going to be very soon. And I just don’t think that’s fair to either of you. You’re going to hurt him. For real, for once. And that’s going to hurt you. And it’s going to end up bouncing back in your face and making you even madder at Will. I don’t see this ending well,” she said, her voice pleading, like she wanted me to tell her it was okay that she was saying all of this.
“I don’t get it. You’ve been wanting me to move on from Will for years. No, forever. And now you’re telling me not to date Jay?”
“I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying you’re barely moving out of your Will fog. I still don’t think you see things clearly. And Jay’s a nice guy who doesn’t deserve to get caught in the crossfire.”
“So dump him? That’s how to avoid hurting him?”
“No. But maybe quit running away from Will and making everything you do a reaction against him. Go out with Jay because you want to go out with Jay. And if you do go out with him again, be totally upfront about what’s going on with you. Let him walk in with eyes wide open.”
“I already told him I’m a mess.”
“But have you told him why?” A bell rang in the background. “I have to go. I have my worst class coming in. I’ll love you no matter what kind of a mess you are. You’re so good at reading the dynamics between other people. Step outside yourself, read the situation, and see what you would tell Jay and your clone, and figure out what you’d advise each of them to do. Would you tell Jay to run? And if the honest answer is yes but you wish you could tell him something different, think about what you would tell yourself to make it okay for him to stay.” Voices shouted and catcalled each other behind her.
“That’s the worst journal prompt ever.”
“Gotta go,” she said with a smile in her voice.
I set my phone down on my desk and stared up at my ceiling. How was I supposed to untangle the giant rubber-band ball of feelings she’d handed me to examine each strand? I mean, since I apparently had the emotional IQ of a Clearasil-coated teenager, I probably wasn’t even capable of sorting it out.
I stared out of my office window at the uninspiring view of the top of the building next door. The industrial air-conditioning unit and patches of bird poop offered no answers.
What was I supposed to do now?
Chapter 17
Quit running, I decided. I picked up my pace. Not on the trails. But from Will. Sophie was right about that. Maybe about all of it. I was running from Will because I didn’t think I was strong enough to be near him. How was that in any way moving past him? I’d read an article a while ago about how doctors were successfully curing some kids of peanut allergies by constantly exposing the kids to the peanuts in a controlled setting, a little at a time.
All of my free time had been about Will, especially since he’d taken over Dave’s lease. I’d never questioned it because I’d been so happy to have him there. But now . . . it was like in college when I had roommates who would go sit next to their boyfriends on the couch for hours while the boyfriend played video games. I’d always thought it was lam
e since only one of those roommates in four years had liked video games herself. I’d asked a couple of them why they’d gone when they complained about all the Halo Duty or whatever it was. And they’d each shrugged and said something like, “I just like being with him.”
I’d been trying to get Will to see and interact with me as an adult, but I’d been acting like those old roommates. I accelerated, trying to outrun the shame threatening to smother me. It was so pathetic. And I’d gone and exposed all of that to Will with my confession.
I ran harder.
There was no way to take it back. And I couldn’t disappear into a string of physical relationships because that was what kept Will out of my head. So what was I supposed to do?
I blew past a girl I saw on the trail most days and barely registered her surprise at my pace. I ran until my legs ached and my lungs screamed and I had to slow down, the first time in years I’d pushed myself as hard as Will had to work to keep up with me.
Will.
It all came back to him in the same way the trail I was on always led back to my house. Was this full circle? Or a vicious cycle?
I slowed further, trying to let my breath and heart rate find a rhythm that didn’t feel like a cardiac event.
Was I done with him?
Yes. I needed to be. But I’d never truly, in my heart, tried to figure out how to disentangle from someone who was always going to be in my life in some way, in the periphery. He’d always been there, so I’d always loved him.
And I could put distance between us, apartment buildings, entire states even, but he’d never go away completely. He’d be there in the background of my conversations with Dave, an even bigger shadow if I tried to tell Dave why we couldn’t talk about Will anymore. And when Dave and Jessica had a baby or two or five, I couldn’t be the reason those babies’ christenings were awkward, the reason my brother had to coordinate his socializing so that Will and I didn’t have to cross paths.
I slowed to a walk, my breath finally leveling out. I’d already put us at risk for that. The few times we’d seen each other since I’d blown everything up had been a high wire both of us had been terrified to step on.
I had to lower the stakes. I could figure this out. And somehow, in doing that, I had to solve the Jay problem too. This was going to take deep breathing and a long walk around the lake and then home. I gave myself one mile to come up with a plan.
Was the answer to break up with Jay? Not that we were together, exactly. But maybe I was supposed to stop it before it went further? My breath sped up again just thinking about removing a layer of protection between Will and me. Sophie was right, but I couldn’t make myself give up Jay’s force field. Or kisses. Those were good. But I wasn’t a terrible enough person to keep him around purely because it made me feel better. So Sophie was also correct that the right thing to do would be to let Jay know why I was a mess. Maybe he would be willing to downshift and be cool with us still hanging out but keeping it light.
I composed the e-mail in my head for a quarter of a mile. But at the halfway point around the lake, I shifted to the bigger problem because there was no way my legs were going to make another full loop after I’d pushed them so hard on my run.
So. Will. Will wasn’t going to go away. Not for the rest of our lives. So we had to figure out how to occupy the same space around Dave as the two people he loved most besides his wife. We’d made room when she’d come along. It had been weird at first when we’d realized Jessica was the real deal for him, but we’d made it work. Will and I could figure this out too if I could get myself right, figure out how to act.
Acting. That was the problem, and it had been for years. I’d spent years acting like a lovesick puppy. Then I’d spent years trying to hold on to my spot in Will’s life by acting like the little sister. Then I’d spent a couple more years acting like I had outgrown him. Then I’d spent the last few weeks acting like the perfect woman I thought he needed, waiting for him to see. And then I’d acted like it was no big deal when he didn’t.
The answer unfolded as simply as the wings stretching out on the egret lifting off from the lake bank beside me. I stopped and watched it go, watched it leave the ground behind.
It was time to drop the act.
Chapter 18
ME: Can we talk?
I initiated the IM, wondering if Jay would suddenly become invisible online. He didn’t though. The dots that showed he was typing blinked almost immediately.
JAY: Is there ever a time when those words don’t make someone want to yell no and walk the other direction?
ME: No. You get bonus points for not pretending you didn’t see this message.
JAY: Maybe only one point because I definitely considered it.
ME: Fair enough. It sounds dramatic, right? The “can we talk” line.
JAY: Yep.
ME: That’s because it is. I’m going for the “little drama now so there’s no drama later” thing.
JAY: That’s a thing?
ME: Yes?
JAY: At least you’re sure.
ME: :-P
I lifted my fingers from the keyboard and drummed them on the table, trying to figure out how to word what I wanted to say. I’m a mess. Date me anyway.
I shrugged. Why not? It’s what I meant.
ME: I’m a mess. Date me anyway.
JAY: Okay. I don’t know what I expected you to say, but I don’t think it was that. Maybe “You’re nice, but . . .”
ME: You are nice.
JAY: But?
ME: But nothing. You just are. And I want to go out again.
JAY: Agreed. So why are we having this talk?
ME: You might have glossed over the part where I said I’m a mess. You shouldn’t. I am. A big one.
JAY: First, you already told me that. Second, I don’t think you’re the mess you think you are.
ME: I’m about to put my cards on the table. I think you’re going to hate them.
JAY: Why? Is your hand like UNO draw 2, double reverse, skip, wild draw 4?
ME: LOL.
ME: Wait, not LOL. What’s the acronym for high-pitched nervous laughter?
JAY: Just lay it out for me, okay? My brain is a little sore.
I hesitated, trying to find the right words to be honest with him but not send him screaming away. But that was the whole problem.
JAY: Hannah? Sorry. Maybe my tone got lost there. Read my last msg as not intending to be rude.
ME: It’s okay! I’m the sorry one. I was trying to figure out how to say what I wanted to say and still get exactly what I want. But I can’t make decisions for you or anyone or try to shape the way you feel. So here goes.
JAY: . . . okay . . .
ME: I wasn’t kidding when I said I’m emotionally unavailable.
JAY: I heard you.
ME: But did you believe me?
JAY: Yessss . . . did I give you some kind of vibe to make you think I’m overly invested or something?
ME: No!
JAY: Good. I mean, that was a good kiss, but it was only a kiss. Not in a bad way. I just didn’t take it as more than that.
I probably should have been more bothered that he was filing it under “only a kiss.” But relief fluttered through my chest. It had been a fun kiss, one of the better kisses I’d gotten in a long time, but, yeah . . . it was just a kiss.
ME: That’s too bad. I took it as a stellar way to end a date.
JAY: Ha. I took it as that too.
ME: I feel sort of stupid having a long conversation about a kiss like I’m fourteen or something. I guess I better confess that it was a really good kiss. Like, really good. But I have a gnarly, shredded-up heart, and it’s going to take more than a kiss to make it better. And I have no idea how long I’m going to be all present with you before I get broody. Is that a word? Broody?
JAY: Let’s go with it. Keep talking.
ME: My point being, when I get all broody, and I think that it’s just a matter of time, I want you to be able
to walk away like, “I don’t need that drama,” and be happy to see me go. I don’t want to be a heart squasher.
JAY: I hear you. Let me try to explain. Give me a minute . . .
It took closer to five. After the first minute had ticked past, I picked up an apple and chomped on it, the chewing a good outlet for my nerves. It was gone by the time Jay chimed back in.
JAY: I appreciate that you’re being upfront. You’re saying that us hanging out is just for fun, right?
ME: Yeah.
JAY: And you’re saying I shouldn’t wade into deeper waters with you because you’re the Bermuda Triangle and you will wreck all of my feelings.
ME: Well, yes. I guess?
JAY: Noted. I like fun. When you start acting crazy, I’ll wave good-bye as I walk away. Feel better now?
ME: Yes. I think? I feel like I’m trying to be like, “I don’t want any drama,” but I’m being nothing but drama by even bringing this up.
JAY: I kind of wish we were sitting down to dinner so I could say this to your face and you would know my voice isn’t mean, but yeah. It’s a little dramatic. I’d be worried if I hadn’t already hung out with you and seen for myself that you’re low key. I’m fine with keeping it low key. If you’re trying to say that the kiss didn’t make you fall madly in love with me, uh . . . okay?
ME: I’m such an idiot for having a conversation about one dumb good-night kiss.
JAY: NOW IT’S DUMB?
ME: I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT! I. Am. Mortified.
JAY: I’m messing with you. What is the way to say “Relax” to someone so it doesn’t sound condescending?
ME: Don’t worry. I got the msg. But I’m pretty sure after IM-ing you about this, I can never face you again.
JAY: That’s a shame. You have a good face, as faces go. I was hoping for some more kisses that don’t mean anything after more hanging out just for fun.
ME: You’re trying to embarrass me.
JAY: Yes.
ME: It worked.
JAY: Yes!
ME: I guess if you want to hang out again after this ridiculous meltdown, I’m totally in. For the fun thing.
JAY: Too bad. I’m in for friends with benefits until either of us wants to move on to something else.
Always Will Page 17