My jaw dropped. “Are you kidding me? This is all because you don’t like the way he plays disc golf, because the score doesn’t matter to him?”
“Sports are a good indicator for how people approach life. You know that, Hannah. I know you know that. Take Shauna. She didn’t care about losing, but she did care about getting better as the game went. Jay coasted. And told you everything you did was awesome. You need a truth-teller.”
“You’re insane,” I said.
“Am I? Would you and Sophie be best friends if all she ever did was tell you how awesome you are and did everything you wanted to do the way you wanted to do it?”
“I’m not dating Sophie.”
“And you shouldn’t be dating Jay.”
Anger surged inside me. “Did you hear anything I told you the other night? Even one thing? This is hard!” My voice rose even though I’d fought to keep it even. “It’s so hard, and the least you can do is not make it worse. Stay out of this.”
He straightened so fast I took a step back. “I heard you,” he said, his voice tight. “I heard you the other night, and I heard you two weeks ago when you came in throwing words around like you forgot how hard they can hit. And I kept my mouth shut because that’s what you needed. But that was huge, Hannah. Massive. Those were big, giant words you tossed in here like a flash bang grenade and then walked out while I was still trying to see through the flare.”
He cursed and shoved past me so he could storm to the kitchen. The skin on my arm burned where he’d brushed against it, and despair flooded my stomach. How long did I have to deal with that heated reaction to him? He switched the faucet on and let a glass fill with water, his hands braced on either side of the sink, his back to me.
When he shut the water off, I cleared my throat. “Sorry.” It was barely more than a whisper. I could feel his anger rolling toward me. It wasn’t something I’d experienced from him. Ever.
He didn’t answer. I shifted from foot to foot, turned to the door to leave, stopped, shifted on my feet again. “Do you want me to go?”
He didn’t answer for a long moment. “Maybe you should,” he said, turning and settling back against the counter, his arms crossed against his chest.
It was a kick in the gut. I sucked in my breath and nodded, tears pricking behind my eyes. I tried to say, “Okay,” but I could tell I’d cry if I talked, so I swallowed instead, nodded again, at a loss to control the jerky movements any more than the Nolan Ryan bobblehead on his TV stand could.
Will watched me, as still as the furniture he’d shoved to get out of my way, and I drew a deep breath that caught in my throat. I turned for the door again, knowing the unsteady breath meant I only had seconds before the tears slipped out whether I tried to talk or not.
He cursed again and had a hand on my wrist before I could even reach for the knob. “Come here,” he said, and it was a frustrated growl that rumbled in his chest as he pulled me into a hug.
I leaned against him, burrowing my head under his chin so he wouldn’t see the two tears that had escaped. I sniffled hard to keep any more from falling.
“You’re right, Hanny. I’m so mad at you.” But his voice sounded sad, not angry.
“Why? None of this happened to you.”
His arms tightened. “All of it happened to me.” He relaxed after a moment and leaned back to frame my face in his hands. “You flipped everything.” His touch was soft as he wiped away the new tears that had snuck out to join the first two. “Dave gave me a clear job while he’s in Qatar. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.”
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to do either.”
He leaned his forehead down to touch mine. Sophie used to tease me that the reason I had a crush on Will in high school was because he was the only one tall enough to make me feel as dainty as almost every guy at school made her feel with her petite frame. But back then Will had never felt as overwhelming as he did right this second, bent over me. His eyes were closed, and our breaths would have mingled if I was still breathing, but I’d stopped. It would take the tiniest tilt, an almost imperceptible shift, and I could kiss him, like I’d wanted to for years.
But it would set us back even further, and I didn’t want to freak him out more. I gathered the strength I would need to step away from him, letting out a sigh so soft I wondered if he could even feel it against his cheek. His hands slid around the base of my neck and threaded through my hair, and he brushed his lips against mine.
I froze. He did it again, pressing a kiss against my mouth, harder, more sure.
“W-Will?”
He only deepened the kiss. I reached up to grab his shirt, lost in a wave of sensation crashing down on me so hard that it drew me inside it and drowned everything else out. It was obliteration. Everything disappeared, including my ability to think. I could only feel—the explosion of heat down the nerves in my arms, the way his lips fit mine so perfectly, and the lurking fear that it was going to end, that I was going to need to come up for air. And I didn’t want to, not ever.
I tangled my fingers through his hair to keep him there, and he slid his hands to my back to pull me closer. A split second of panic tore through me that he was going to let me go. But he didn’t, only angled his head the other way to drink in more of the kiss.
But the panic terrified me. I had no idea what he was doing, but I bet he didn’t either. I pushed against his chest, and he gave me room without letting go of me completely, his eyes dazed. I stared at him, too scared to step away, even more scared to stay there and let this last any longer, to let this become any bigger so that the memory would be impossible to bury.
“I didn’t know,” he said.
“I know. I got really good at hiding it when you moved in here.”
“No, I meant I didn’t know that . . .” He trailed off, obviously unable to find words.
“I tried to tell you,” I said, pushing against him hard enough that he let go.
“You did. I’m sorry.”
The last thing I wanted was an apology, even though I knew the regret was weighing him down. But it couldn’t feel half as heavy as the dread spreading out from my chest and into my stomach and limbs. Will’s kisses were the one thing I’d never had to hold anyone else up to and watch them fall short. It was the thing that had made Jay better than Will in at least one way, and Will had just stolen that from me and given me the burden of a new impossible standard. He’d turned me inside out, shaking me to the core while holding me like I was made of feathers he needed to gather to him softly so they wouldn’t blow away.
I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes, rubbing them hard, wishing I could sand away my tear ducts and never cry about this again. “Maybe I broke us, but you just ruined everything. Was it worth it? Did you satisfy your curiosity? Did you do that to see if you could?” I spun toward the door.
“Stop it,” he said, reaching past me to slam the door closed. “And apologize.” His voice was low, laced with a dangerous note I’d never heard in it before.
I put both hands on the knob, tugging to get out. “Let me go, Will.”
“No. Not if you’re going to leave here thinking I would kiss you out of curiosity. When have I ever been that guy? To anyone?”
“Then why did you do it?” I slapped the palm of my hand against the door in frustration and turned to face him. He was too close, his arm above my head as he held the door shut.
Frustration crossed his face as he stared down at me. He opened his mouth and closed it again. I willed him to give me an answer I could understand, but he stayed silent, a shadow flickering through his eyes. And worse, something I’d never seen on his face before, so I didn’t recognize it at first: shame.
Acid churned inside me. “You did it because you’re a competitor, Will. First or worst, right? And you couldn’t stand that I was suddenly gone, not here to cater to every stupid whim you have, to be your fan girl and stroke your ego. Has it been too quiet without me here to worship you? I’m
such an idiot.”
I shoved him hard and knocked him off balance so he had to take a step back. I twisted to open the door, but he grabbed me from behind and pulled me back against his chest. It didn’t hurt, but there was no give in his hold, no chance he was letting me go until he was ready to. “You did this to me. Don’t blame me for this,” he said, his voice soft. “I didn’t make you kiss me back.” His breath skimmed along my ear, and I shivered as he let go and stepped back.
He pressed a hand against his eyes, rubbing them, his expression looking a lot like my migraine face. When he looked at me again, I saw pure frustration. “My head is so messed up right now, Hannah. I can’t think. I don’t know how to solve this.”
“Solve this? Because I’m a problem?” That hurt. I couldn’t hold his gaze anymore, so I jerked the door open and walked out without a backward glance.
Chapter 22
“‘You did this to me?’” Sophie repeated when I calmed down enough to call her. “What did you do to him?”
“I don’t know. Confused him, I think.”
There was a long silence. “How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t feel anything except angry.”
“I think that’s good.”
“How can that possibly be good?”
“Because if this were a month ago, you’d be thrilled that he’d quit taking you for granted enough to see you. But you’re not thrilled. So maybe it means you’re kind of past him a little.”
“I’m past falling all over myself to get to him because he smiled at me. I’m past rearranging my plans with anyone and everyone because he texts me last minute to come watch a game. I’m past keeping Gatorade in my fridge because he might come wandering over.” I hesitated, not wanting to lower Sophie’s new-found respect for me, but we were always honest with each other. “I can’t say I’m over him.”
“You’ve loved him for a long time. How could you be? But you’re finally recognizing your value in the Hannah-and-Will equation, and maybe things will equal out now.”
“Maybe. But the whole thing felt like a disaster.”
“He was a bad kisser?”
“No. He’s good.” That was a mild way of explaining what had felt more like a seismic shift in my personal universe. “That’s why it sucks. How am I going to kiss Jay or anyone else without comparing it to Will’s kiss?”
Sophie blew out a breath, the sound of her frustration sympathetic and oddly comforting. “That’s a hard one.”
I was quiet for a minute before sighing too. “I wish you would have said something like, ‘You’ll have other good kisses.’ Because it feels like good is never going to be enough again after mind-blowing.”
“Do you think it was mind-blowing for him too? Do you think that’s what confused him?”
“Yeah, but not in the same way. It’s hard to hide how you feel in a kiss, don’t you think? You can tell if it’s about lust or like. If it’s moving to something more. If he’s present. If he’s thinking about the Cowboys game. And I think Will finally understood how I feel at a level that my words weren’t making clear. I think that before he figured I was going to need a few weeks to cool off and we’d be back to normal. And I have a feeling he finally understood everything I’d been holding back.”
“That’s a lot to read into a kiss, especially since you’re only guessing what he got out of it.”
“Not really. He kind of told me too. I said, ‘I tried to tell you,’ and he said he was sorry.”
There was dead silence on the other end of the phone.
“Sophie?” I prodded her. “Did you wince? Because that was exactly what my soul did when he said it.”
“I did wince,” she said, her voice sad. “That’s what he said? ‘Sorry’?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t even know what to suggest. I mean, ice cream. I don’t know. Seems like maybe a good time to take up drinking.”
I laugh-sobbed and choked it back, not wanting to set off another crying jag. “I think I’m going to crawl into bed and stay there for a week. Or maybe forever. My heart feels like it has a migraine inside of it.”
“This barely happened. Time will make it better.”
“Right. You mean the way my feelings for him eventually faded over time.”
Silence.
“You winced again, didn’t you?” I accused her.
“Yes,” she said, her voice small. “I’m so sorry. All-the-way-down-to-my-guts sorry. I want to have an answer for you, but I don’t know what to say. Except I’m proud of you. I’m proud that after all the years of trying to make him see that you’re perfect for him, you’re seeing that it’s not your job. You be you. Maybe one day he’ll figure it out, but he’ll have to live with the fact that he figured it out too late.”
A knock sounded on the door. “Hannah?”
My heart thudded harder than the knock. “Oh, crap. He’s knocking on my door right now.”
“Are you going to answer him?”
He knocked again, louder. “I think I have to. I have a feeling he won’t go away.”
“Be strong, girl,” Sophie said as I hung up.
I set the phone down and smoothed my hair while he knocked a third time, determined to answer on my own time looking totally unruffled. He was knocking again, more sharply, and I pulled the door open and left him with his hand hanging in the air.
“What do you need, Will?”
“We weren’t done.”
“I feel like we were,” I said, starting to close the door.
“Hannah, please. I need to clear something up.”
I hesitated and stepped aside. He walked in and waited for me to walk to the sofa before he followed me. I took my corner, and he sat in the opposite one, resting his head in his hands and staring at the floor. “I’m sorry for what happened at my place.”
“Which part?”
“Every part that upset you.”
“And which parts do you think upset me?”
“All of it. Some of it was just me being mad. But some important things came out the wrong way.” He scrubbed his hands through his hair and turned his head slightly to smile at me. His eyes bored into mine, and it paralyzed me. He’d done that a few times since I’d texted after the two weeks of trying to avoid him. It wasn’t a look I was used to with him, where I had all of his attention. For as many hours as we’d spent together, it had always been with me as a part of his environment. He saw me the same way he did his furniture or his wall posters. I was woven into the fabric of his life as much as any of the other things he kept close but was well used to.
This expression was different. It felt like having a spotlight on my face. I wanted to hold up my arm and duck, find anonymity from his clear-eyed gaze.
“I never would have taken it where it went today, Will. And now we’re here in the middle of quicksand, it feels like.”
“Maybe you should have taken it there, Hannah. I think that was the point I was trying to make.”
My stomach flipped, twisted, tried to turn inside out. “What are you talking about?”
“I mean, yeah, when you were a kid and you said you had a crush on me, I knew you did. It was obvious. But it seemed like you outgrew it over college. You treated me exactly the way you treated Dave when we went on trips and stuff.”
“I had to,” I said. “That confession was the most humiliating experience of my life. I needed you to believe it was some dumb kid thing I’d grown way past. But I needed to believe it even more.”
“You succeeded. Big time. I had no idea.”
“But then you had to go and move down the hall and complicate everything. My alternate reality that I was grown-up and over it puffed away like smoke.”
“I don’t know if it makes you feel any better, but you totally confused me after that crush thing. You were this gob of emotions all the time. And then you start college and you’re fine. You and Sophie are always around, either giggling about guys in your dorm or crying about calcu
lus. And I think, okay, guess she’s over it. Cool. And then I graduate, and I see you way less, but you’re super chill with me and Dave on our trips.
“Then Dave gets married, and suddenly you’re my responsibility, so I take over his lease so I can be nearby and do it right. And I’m seeing you every day, and you’re totally pulled together and kicking butt at your job and going out with guys, and it’s not what I expected when Dave told me to keep an eye on you. I kinda knew how to do that when you were in college. But polished Hannah? I figured I’d better do what Dave would do. Disapprove of all your boyfriends. Hang out and watch games with you. You seemed fine with it.”
“I was trying to be,” I said. “You know in that Nemo movie where the Ellen DeGeneres fish is like, ‘Just keep swimming’? That was me. I’d faked being friends with you for so long that I thought that was all I wanted. And it was working great until you all of a sudden announced that you’re on a mission to get married. And I realized everything was going to change permanently. It was a shock to me that I wasn’t okay with this either.”
He smiled at me again. “I don’t get a lot of things this wrong.”
I shrugged. “I’ve spent years trying to humble you and Dave. Figures it would take something this extreme.”
He crept forward on the sofa, stretching out until he was lying down, his head in my lap, nestled on the pillow I’d been torturing. “I’m really sorry.”
I stared down at him resting there, eyes closed, tension in the crow’s feet he was developing. I touched his hair. So soft. He must be using the conditioner I’d made him buy. I ran my fingers through it some more, warm at the roots and cool at the tips. His crow’s feet relaxed.
Always Will Page 20