Heartbreak And Past Mistakes

by Chenell Parker

  Zina had even gone to jail for sixty days for obstruction of justice. She refused to cooperate with the detectives when they tried to question her about her father. They also claimed that she had gotten rid of the gun that he committed the murder with. That wasn’t her first time going though. Her son’s father got caught with drugs while she was in the car and Zina didn’t think twice before she took the charge for him. The four months that she did was nothing compared to the ten years that they were trying to give him. Things still went left and he was killed a year after that. His family blamed Zina, saying that he would still be alive had he gone to jail. Zina didn’t give a damn about what anyone said and she would do it all over again if she had to. She lived her life in the fast lane and that had never been a problem before. Deuce had been on some other shit lately and he expected Zina to change her way of thinking just because he did.

  “What’s wrong with him wanting to get out of the game? He has enough money to do so,” Kierra said, interrupting her cousin’s thoughts.

  “Nothing is wrong with it, but he can’t expect me to change just because he did. That nigga got me fucked up if he thinks I’m gonna stay at home and push out a bunch of babies. Shit, I already got a son and a daughter. What else can I have?” Zina questioned as she downed the rest of her drink.

  “You do, but he doesn’t,” Kierra pointed out.

  “Girl, please. He’s been in their lives since forever. It may not be biologically, but they’re his kids too,” Zina selfishly replied.

  “That’s not true and you know it. If that was the case, you wouldn’t have stopped them from calling him daddy like they used to,” Kierra noted.

  “Their daddies are dead, but they still have other family members. I couldn’t have them calling another man daddy and piss everybody off. You already know how Blue and Jig’s families are,” Zina said, referring to her two ex-boyfriends and fathers of her kids.

  “I don’t know why you give a fuck about how they feel. Deuce is the one who takes care of them. They might go by their people sometimes, but he’s the one who put a roof over their heads,” Kierra replied.

  “Come on cousin. Don’t kill my vibe. I’m not even in the mood to discuss this no more. The shit is depressing enough as it is,” Zina said as she lit her blunt and started puffing.

  Kierra only shook her head at how selfish and inconsiderate her cousin was being. Zina was tall and slim with a pretty, milk chocolate complexion. She was thin like a model and she could have easily passed for one until she opened her mouth to speak. She was the definition of a hood rat with the attitude to match. Kierra couldn’t remember her ever having a job, but she always dressed in nothing but the best. Her cars were always top of the line and her house was beautiful. Kierra didn’t understand why her cousin still wasn’t satisfied. All her husband asked of her was to stop running the streets so much and give him a baby of his own. It wasn’t like she couldn’t have anymore kids. Zina was just selfish and didn’t want to. If Kierra had a man half as good as Deuce, she would have been popping babies out all over the place.

  “These niggas are thirsty as fuck in here,” Lyric said when she and Nova came back and reclaimed their seats.

  “I’ve never been groped so much in my life. I feel so violated.” Nova frowned in disgust.

  “That’s because y’all got them big ole booties. I had two babies and still don’t have more than a handful. The next time my husband ask me what I want for my birthday, I’m telling him that I want some ass,” Zina said, making them all laugh.

  “I think it runs in the family on my mama’s side. My grandma is in her late sixties and that ass is still sitting up right,” Lyric replied.

  “It’s the opposite for the women in my family. We’re all tall and thin. That was the best thing about me having my kids. My stomach got back right in no time. I was trying to gain weight, but I still didn’t gain enough,” Zina said.

  “Maybe it’ll happen with your next baby,” Nova said.

  “I don’t know about all that honey. I take my three-month shot faithfully,” Zina acknowledged.

  Kierra looked at her and shook her head, but Zina didn’t pay attention. She had her husband thinking that she was trying to get pregnant and she stopped taking her birth control pills. She never told anyone that she had switched to the shots. She probably slipped and admitted it without even realizing what she was saying. Kierra was done trying to be the voice of reason for her though. The next time Zina called her crying about her marriage, she was going to hang up the phone in her face and keep it pushing.

  Chapter 3

  Deuce woke up to a sensation that was all too familiar to him. His stomach tightened as his toes curled inside his socks. He looked over at the clock and saw that it was almost noon. He hadn’t gone to bed until after three and his wife still hadn’t made it home. When he looked down and saw Zina’s head moving up and down underneath the sheets, it took everything in him not to push her onto the floor. Most men would have been happy to wake up to head, but Deuce wasn’t feeling it. It pissed him off that Zina thought that every problem they had could be resolved with sex.

  “Watch out,” Deuce said as he tapped her shoulder for her to move.

  “No baby. Let me finish,” Zina said as he tried to suck harder and faster.

  “Move Zina. I’m good on all that right now!” Deuce barked as he forcefully pushed her away.

  “What kind of shit is that? Any other nigga would be happy to wake up with their dick in their wife’s mouth,” Zina fussed as she got up and looked at him.

  “Go suck them other niggas’ dicks then,” Deuce fumed as he got up and went to the bathroom.

  Another woman would have probably been offended by his choice of words, but Zina was used to it. They both said things to piss each other off and it had been that way for years. She knew that her husband was upset about the time that she got home and she was trying to make it up to him. Zina was having too much fun to leave the club earlier, especially once her girls showed up. Kierra and her boring ass cousins had left too early, but that didn’t stop Zina from enjoying herself. She got wasted, but she managed to make it home without killing herself or anyone else. She had a terrible hangover, but she had to get up to make her kids something to eat. Deuce would usually get up to do it, but he must have been tired too. Since he was still sleeping, Zina decided to get him up the right way. Waking up to oral sex always worked in the past. She didn’t know what had been up with him lately, but she was definitely going to find out.

  “My bad about last night,” Zina said when she walked into the bathroom and saw Deuce at the sink completing his morning hygiene.

  “Your bad?” he repeated with a scowl on his face.

  “I know I should have came inside earlier than I did,” Zina said, sounding dumb and childish.

  “Nah, you’re good,” Deuce replied sarcastically.

  “I’m trying to apologize, but I don’t know what else you want from me!” Zina yelled.

  “I just said that you’re good. No apology necessary,” Deuce stated calmly.

  He was tired of arguing about the same thing because it was pointless. Zina’s priorities were fucked up, but she didn’t see anything wrong with what she did. It was bad enough that she damn near lived in the club, but it was his club that she loved so much. The shit wasn’t a good look, especially since he barely stepped foot in there.

  “Well, fuck it then!” Zina fumed as she followed him back to their bedroom.

  “Yeah, fuck it.” He shrugged uncaringly.

  That was the part of her husband that Zina hated. At one time, she and Deuce would argue for hours and have some of the best make up sex in the world. Over the past year or two, he became so nonchalant and nothing that she did seemed to bother him anymore. As hard as Zina tried to play, it was all an act. She loved her husband more than anything in the world and the thought of losing him made her physically sick. Still, she kept doing shit to push him away and she didn’t know how to stop.
Clubbing was something that she’d been doing all her life and it was a hard habit to break. The thought of Deuce being fed up and leaving had her ready to throw up the white flag and surrender. She’d done it several times before, but old habits die hard.

  “Can we talk baby?” Zina said as sat on the bed and folded her legs underneath her.

  “Why, so you can ignore whatever I say like you always do? I’m good on that. I’m done talking,” Deuce said as he took out his clothes for the day.

  “What does that mean?” Zina asked.

  “Take it however you want to Zina. Just know that I’m done repeating myself and arguing about the same shit,” Deuce replied as he walked off and went back into the bathroom.

  He looked in the drawer and opened the pack of birth control pills that his wife kept in there. He checked the package every day to make sure she hadn’t started back taking them again. Once he saw that the pack had never been opened, Deuce started the shower and walked in under the steam. He was trying to be a good husband and stepfather, but he was getting fed up. As much as he loved Zina, he was starting to wonder if love was enough. His feelings for her had changed over the years and they weren’t nearly as strong as they were in the beginning. Zina had a lot of growing up to do, but she seemed to be content with her life and the way things were. Deuce had never met a woman who didn’t want their man to do better. He and Zina weren’t hurting for money, but she seemed to be infatuated with life in the fast lane. She loved the fact that he was a dope boy when they met, but Deuce was done with that lifestyle. Zina thought it was because his father got killed, but he had a plan in place to get out of the game long before that happened. His father wanted him to leave that lifestyle alone just as he had and his death only sped up the process. Sadly, his marriage hadn’t been the same since he made the decision to do better.

  “I hate it when you’re mad with me,” Zina said as she wrapped her arms around her husband’s toned waist. She rested her head on his back as the water rained down on them both from the three shower heads up top. Deuce was so deep in thought that he never even heard her get in.

  “I’m not mad with you. I just don’t have it in me to keep having the same conversation all the time,” Deuce replied.

  “I know that I have to do better Deuce, but I’m trying,” Zina whined.

  “No, you’re not, and that’s the whole problem,” Deuce pointed out.

  “You can’t expect me to change overnight Deuce. I was born and raised in this shit and this is all I know,” Zina said, sounding like a broken record.

  “And that’s even more of a reason for you to want to do better. I don’t understand how much more you have to lose for you to be tired. Your pops will probably die in jail or be too old to remember shit by the time he’s released. You lost both of your children’s fathers and a few of your cousins to gun violence. How many fucking RIP tattoos are you trying to get? The dope game is not supposed to be a lifetime commitment. That shit is a means to an end. Your kids should want more out of life than just waiting for the next pair of Jordan’s to drop,” Deuce fussed as he washed himself up.

  “Wow. So, now I’m a bad mother?” Zina asked as she laughed sarcastically.

  “The fuck did that even come from Zina? I’m telling you some real shit and that’s all you got from what I said.” Deuce frowned.

  “I hear what you’re saying, but what does my kids have to do with anything?” Zina asked as she folded her arms in anger.

  “You really got life fucked up my love,” Deuce chuckled as he shook his head.

  “I don’t find shit funny about you questioning my parenting skills,” Zina fumed.

  “It’s a real problem when Armani can name every expensive label in Saks but don’t even know her own phone number. Baby Blue got every pair of tennis shoes in Foot Locker, but we had to hire a tutor to catch him up to speed in school. Yet, you got time to hit up the club three to four times a week,” Deuce said, speaking of her kids.

  “If I’m so bad, then why do you want me to have another one?” Zina snapped angrily.

  “Stop getting offended all the time and do better. I don’t give a fuck if you get mad about me telling you the truth. We’re both approaching thirty years old and you got the mind frame of a teenager. High school girls are infatuated with dope boys and clubs. Women your age have usually grown out of that stupid shit. Ain’t no way in hell am I going out like your ex niggas did. I don’t want my picture on a t-shirt with niggas second lining at my repast,” Deuce argued.

  “I don’t want that either,” Zina said as tears ran down her cheeks.

  “You should be happy that I made moves to get out before that happened. I’m twenty-eight years old and I’m done with all that illegal shit. I’m not losing my life or my freedom behind the dope game. But, the decision is yours Zina. You can either move with me or get out of my way,” Deuce replied as he rinsed the soap from his body and got out of the shower.

  Zina understood everything that her husband said and she knew that he was right. She had to do better. If not for herself, she had to do it for her kids. She didn’t want to lose her husband, but she could see that he was getting fed up with her wild behavior. Deuce was her first marriage and the longest relationship that she’d ever had. Zina had to get her shit together before she lost the only man that she could ever truly say that she was in love with.

  ***

  “I don’t like to get in your business, but Zina is too selfish for me. As your wife, she’s supposed to have your back in everything that you do. What kind of woman wants her husband to keep selling dope?” Deuce’s mother, Wanda, said.

  “A money hungry one,” his uncle Warren replied as he puffed on his blunt.

  “Mind your business nigga,” Deuce snapped with an agitated frown.

  Warren was only thirty years old, but Wanda treated him like a baby. She was forty-eight, so she was old enough to be her baby brother’s mama. Warren was only two years old when she had Deuce and she was already married by then. Wanda had been an only child all her life and her little brother was her pride and joy. Deuce loved his uncle but he was the definition of a scrub. Warren had never been on his own and, if it was up to Wanda, he never would be. He lived with her all his life and Deuce moved out before his uncle did. Warren always found a woman to lay up on, but it never lasted very long. When they saw that dick and good looks were all that he had to offer, he ended up right back in his bedroom at Wanda’s house. She was the only woman who was going to cook and clean up after his lazy ass. He had a girlfriend now, but she seemed to be just as much of a loser as he was.

  Wanda owned three successful daycare centers and the most that Warren ever did was drive the transportation van if the regular person couldn’t do it. Deuce’s father was no better because he was okay with Warren laying up on them. If it were up to his parents, Deuce would have never been independent either. They tried to handicap him like they did Warren, but he wasn’t having it. He was an only child, so being spoiled came with the territory.

  “Well, it ain’t my business, but I still say she’s selfish. It don’t take that damn long to get pregnant. I’ve been waiting on a grandchild since y’all go married. Don’t get me wrong, I love Armani and Baby Blue, but they have their own grandparents. All my friends got grandbabies to spoil and I’m the only one who don’t,” Wanda said, repeating the same thing that she always said.

  “It’ll happen when it happens ma,” Deuce replied nonchalantly.

  “Maybe if she stay out of the clubs and stop drinking so much, it would have already happened by now,” Wanda fussed.

  He was sorry that his uncle mentioned seeing Zina at Ace’s the night before because that had become the topic of conversation.

  “Shit, she drink and smoke more than I do. And your cousins only hang with her because they know that the drinks are free when they do. You just married a hood rat nephew,” Warren spoke up.

  “That’s exactly what he did, but that ain’t my baby’s fault. He
didn’t know that she was the way she is,” Wanda said, defending Deuce like always.

  Her son and brother did no wrong in her eyes and it had been that way from day one. Wanda and Zina didn’t have the best relationship, but it hadn’t always been that way. After her husband got killed, Wanda was happy that Deuce decided to get out of the game. Ace had left them financially stable for life, even without the money from his club. He showed his son how to get rich and stay rich the legal way. With Zina, it wasn’t all about the money though. She loved the status that her husband had and she wasn’t happy about his decision to leave it all behind. She and Wanda often clashed about that and their relationship never recovered from the many arguments and disagreements that they’d had over the years.

  “Shit, she’s over there living the good life. She got a big ass house and a nice car. She don’t have to work, pay bills, or nothing else. What more do she want?” Warren said after a long pause.

  Deuce looked at him like he was crazy. Warren had just described his own life perfectly, but he didn’t see anything wrong with what he did. His situation was even worse in Deuce’s opinion because he was a man. God forbid if he ever had kids of his own because Wanda would be providing for them too.

  “Well, Deuce is grown and it ain’t our business,” Wanda said.