It’s late when I finally get off work. I consider calling Lawson, but I don’t even know if he’ll still be up. I put fifteen solid hours on the soles of my shoes, and I can feel every single one of them. Is this what my life is going to be like now? Working sunup to sundown just to afford a place to live. Slaving away at a restaurant, hoping that the customers will like me enough to leave a nice tip. There’s no upside to this. It’s just a steady grind to make ends meet. It’s what everyone does. I just didn’t have the common sense to appreciate how good it was to have a roof over my head and a mom who was letting me constantly test her patience.
I walk into my house and stare at the kitchen for a moment. There are no leftovers waiting on me. My mom always leaves a plate out, no matter how late I get home. I walk to the fridge and open it to grab a drink. It looks like my mom went shopping today. She didn’t buy a single thing that she normally gets for me. Damn. She really has washed her hands of me. I guess I can’t blame her.
My mom doesn’t say a word to me when I walk past the living room. No hello. No questions about my day. Not even a glance in my direction. She’s proving a point, and I sure as hell get it; I just don’t know how to move past this. Tough love. It was only a matter of time before she gave up on me too.
“Fuck my life…” I sigh and close my door.
I wonder how many times I’ll get to do that before she sets a deadline and tells me to get out. We didn’t get that far. She’ll have to speak to me again in order to do that, at least.
I curl up in bed and reach for the teddy bear that has sat on the shelf above my bed since I was too old to sleep with it. I curl up with it like I used to do when I was a little girl and start looking at my phone. I end up on Facebook, staring at all the happy people living their happy lives. The guys and girls I went to school with—most of them are in college now. The few that didn’t had a reason not to go. Even they are better off than I am right now. A few of them have kids. Some of them are married and expecting. The one thing I notice is that nobody else seems to be stuck in a rut like I am. Except Sarah. That’s the only person I can compare myself to.
I don’t know if she mentally senses that I’m staring at her Facebook page, or just saw me online, because after I scroll through a few photos, I get a message from her.
Sarah: Hey, girl.
Ainsley: Hey.
Sarah: I’m really sorry. I’m such a shitty friend.
Ainsley: Yes, you are.
Sarah: I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid if I came back, we’d both get arrested. Someone had to post bail…
Ainsley: Would you have even done that? You were fucking asleep when I got to the room.
Sarah: I tried to stay up! I swear I did!
Ainsley: It’s fine. I’m not angry anymore. I have bigger problems than that anyway.
Sarah: What happened?
I stare at Sarah’s message for a couple minutes without responding. She sends a few question marks when she doesn’t get a reply. I was furious with her after she abandoned me, and more so when I saw that she went back to the hotel room like I wasn’t stuck in an office building with a stranger. I’d like to believe I wouldn’t have done the same thing, but considering how many horrible choices I’ve made lately, it’s hard to believe I’m any better than her.
Ainsley: My mom decided to kick me out.
Sarah: What? Seriously? No fucking way!
Ainsley: Yep.
Sarah: I’m sorry! What did you do this time!?!
Ainsley: I didn’t tell her I was staying in the city. Just that I was going to the party. Then I didn’t make it home until yesterday, so you can imagine how that went…
Sarah: Hold on. What do you mean you didn’t make it home until yesterday???
Once again, I stare at her message. Should I tell her? It isn't like I can tell anyone else. Not even my mom. I know she would probably judge me for the age difference and everything, but I’d still tell her under normal circumstances. One more bad decision for her to hold against me the next time she’s angry. Then again, there may not be a next time. Screw it.
Ainsley: After Lawson caught us trashing his office, I stayed behind and helped him clean everything up. It was the only way to keep him from calling the cops.
Sarah: Oh shit! What an asshole…
Ainsley: He’s not an asshole, Sarah. Far from it.
Sarah: You helped him clean up his office, and now you two are best friends? You don’t know him. Trust me.
Ainsley: I think I know him better than you do. That’s why I didn’t make it home until yesterday. ;)
Sarah: Wait a minute…
Ainsley: Yep.
Sarah: You slut! Are you serious!? Details!
I barely figure out what I’m going to type before my phone rings, and I see Sarah’s number on the screen. I take her call. We pick up right where we left off, like nothing happened between us. Maybe that’s what friends do. Or maybe I just need someone—anyone—to talk to.
I don’t tell her much about Lawson or our time together. I confirm what she’s already figured out. In her eyes, I lost my virginity to a complete stranger. An asshole. The bastard who fired her father. I get it. It does seem like that to someone who didn’t experience it like I did.
We talk for a while. I forgive her for being a total bitch. She owns it with pride, even after apologizing profusely. I don’t think I’ll trust her like I once did, but she’s still my friend, if that means anything at this point. She even offers to let me stay with her until I figure things out, but I decline. I need to figure things out on my own. That’s ultimately what my mom is trying to make me do, even if I don’t like it.
I return to Facebook after talking with Sarah. I scroll through all the photos. I know I belong in school, getting an education so that I don’t have to wait tables the rest of my life. I had a chance, but no direction. I’m not even sure what I want to be when I grow up. Correction, I’m already grown up, and I still don’t know what I want to be. That’s another point my mom is trying to make.
I’ve never appreciated the opportunities that were right in front of me. I let my hormones run wild and stayed trapped in my fantasies instead of doing what I should’ve been doing all along. Meeting Lawson was a godsend, but my mother is the one who has ultimately snapped me back to reality. I know what I have to do now.
If she’ll even talk to me.
I wake up early. I didn’t get enough sleep. What I got was mostly due to exhaustion from being on my feet all day rather than the kind of rest I needed. I can hear my mother in the kitchen. It isn't the best time to talk to her, but I have to. I wake myself up with a splash of water on my face rather than caffeine like I truly need, but I’ll get to that later.
“Good morning, Mom.” I walk into the kitchen and sit at the table.
“Good morning.” She has a hint of hesitation in her voice. I can’t tell if she’s surprised I spoke to her or still not ready to talk to me.
“I know you don’t have long, so I’ll try to make this quick.” I exhale sharply. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes, Mom. I know I haven’t made it easy on you…”
“Ainsley, if you’re planning to feed me another one of your apologies so that you can keep doing what you always do, spare me.” She shakes her head. “I’ve heard them all. Nothing ever changes.”
“It’s going to this time.” I press on, even though I can see the doubt written on her face. “I’m not asking you to let me live here. I just want to tell you what I plan to do. I’m going to pick up every shift I can at work right now and find my own place as soon as possible. Somewhere with roommates to save money and put it aside until the spring so I can go back to school.”
“Okay…” My mom tilts her head slightly, as if she’s hesitant to believe me, but she’s listening.
“I’m not going to half-ass it like before. I’ll take a few classes when I can, depending on what I can afford, and I’ll keep working. I’ll have to.” I nod.
; My mom narrows her eyes at me. I can tell she’s trying to read my expression. Trying to tell if I’m serious or just feeding her a line. It’s the truth. Between the fight with her, talking with Lawson, and looking at all of those pictures of the people I went to high school with, I finally got the message that has been right in front of me the whole time.
“You’re serious about this?” She reaches for her coffee and takes a sip. “You’re really planning to go back to school?”
“I am. You gave me the wake-up call I needed. It shouldn’t have taken that, but it did. I’m hardheaded sometimes. You know that…” I sigh, but I can’t help but smile.
My mom is quiet for a couple of minutes. I feel better about everything, even if my life is going to be a lot more difficult now. I am truly blessed with a mom who cares about me and has done everything I could ask for, but I didn’t appreciate it. I’ve stayed trapped in a fantasy world, letting my hormones go crazy, all because of my daddy issues. I still have them, but I don’t think they’ll be as distracting as they used to be if I’m exploring them with Lawson.
“Okay, Ainsley.” My mom puts her coffee down. “I want you to fill out an application for school after work today. If you do that, and show me you’re serious about it, and you don’t have to move out.”
“Seriously?” My eyes get wide.
“Yes. It’s hard for me to believe you’re ready to turn over a new leaf, but I love you. All I’ve ever wanted was the best for you.” She nods. “If you’re willing to show me that you mean what you say, and don’t pull any more of these stupid stunts like getting arrested or staying out all night without telling me that you won’t be home, I’m willing to give you another chance.”
“Thank you.” My lips tremble, and all I want to do is hug her.
She stands as soon as I do, and we hug. I apologize a few more times and thank her for her generosity. It’s genuine this time. True appreciation. I mean every word. I wish I had meant it every time I fed her empty promises and half-hearted apologies, but I can’t undo the past. All I can do is move forward and prove that she’s gotten through to me. I’ve done more growing up in the last few days than I have in years, and she’s a huge part of that.
She’s not the only one. The man I called Daddy had a hand in it as well.
I already know how to show him how appreciative I am…
Chapter Twenty
Lawson
Another day. Another trip to the office. I’ve had a few of those now since Ainsley left. She talked to her mom like I suggested, and things seem to be moving in a positive direction for the both of them. Ainsley is going to be able to stay at home with her mom, and she’s already filled out her application so she can get back in school. That means we she won’t have to work quite as hard, and it also means that our weekend plans are officially set.
I just hope she tells her mom what she’s planning this time, or at least lets her know she won’t be home for a couple of days. If she doesn’t, I may put her in the car and send her right back home. Even if it means missing out on our weekend together. She’s promised to turn over a new leaf, and I respect that, as long as she holds herself to better standards.
“It’s looking better in here.” Bram walks into my office and looks around at my new decorations.
“Thanks.” I look up at him. “What’s going on? Do we have a meeting today that I forgot?”
“No, I just wanted to let you know that Kiana is stopping by for lunch. Want to join us?” He tilts his head slightly.
“Sure.” I nod. “Sounds great.”
“Alright, I’ll let her know. She was bringing something for you regardless, but I think it would be nice if we could hang out for a little bit.” He smiles and turns toward the door.
“Oh, hey.” I lean forward. “If she’s stopping by, could you ask her to bring another wedding photo for me? The one I had got damaged when I was, um, redecorating.”
“Yeah, man. She has plenty of those.” He laughs. “See you in a little bit.”
I have my office back to the way it was, save for a few things that I wasn’t able to replace. The wedding photograph is one of them. I have some new additions. The sonogram of my grandchild is front and center on my desk. There are also some things that I didn’t bother to put out, like the photo of my ex-wife. I had a couple of strange looks from people when they asked about her, and I had to tell them we were divorced. She’ll always be an important part of my past, but I have to accept that she’s washed her hands of me now.
I still haven’t told anyone about Ainsley. I feel guilty about that. I don’t want her to be some kind of secret, but I think it’s best to keep it to myself for now. If our relationship continues, that won’t be possible for long. I hope there isn’t any sort of blowback from it for either of us. I definitely don’t want it to be another wedge that comes between Ainsley and her mother. Another wedge between me and the people closest to me won’t make things worse; although, I think we’re closing them now. Time does that, I guess. Or maybe it’s just love that has a way of making people accept the things they have to.
I make a few phone calls, set up some meetings for later in the week, and wrap things up right before lunch.
“She here?” I look up from my computer as Bram walks into my office.
“Not yet, but something just came up.” He sighs. “It’s the Clarence Jackson account. He’s been convinced to put all of his money into some new fad, and I need to talk him off the ledge.”
“I can talk to Jack.” I wave off his concern. “Have lunch with your wife. I got this.”
“I know you can handle him, but he wants to talk to me this time for some reason.” Bram shakes his head. “Besides, I get to see Kiana every day.”
“Okay.” I nod and lean back in my chair. “Take care of business.”
“Thanks, man.” He rushes off.
Lunch with Kiana. It would be a lot easier if it were the three of us. I haven’t spent a lot of one-on-one time with my daughter since everything happened. We did make amends. She forgave me. I did my best to accept her relationship with my best friend. Hell, I walked her down the aisle and gave her away, but I was a shitty father for a really long time. I don’t think that kind of hurt goes away just because someone finds a way to forgive you.
“Mr. Brooks?” Joanna appears at my door. “Kiana is here. Mr. Ward said you were going to be having lunch with her?”
“Yep.” I nod. “Send her my way.”
I take a moment to tidy up my office, move a few things around, and clear some space so we can eat. I’d offer to take her to one of the conference rooms, but that would just make us the center of attention, like she was at the Halloween party.
“Hey, Dad!” Kiana walks in with a cheerful smile on her face. “I brought you a new picture. Bram said you needed one?”
“Yeah.” I take it from her. “I was doing some redecorating, and you know I can be kind of clumsy.” I wince as I lie, but it’s a necessary one. “I dropped it.”
“As long as you didn’t throw it across the room or something.” She laughs and starts setting up for lunch. She pauses when she sees the sonogram on my desk. “Aww, Dad! You framed it!”
“The first picture of my grandchild. You’re damn right I framed it.” I look at the picture and chuckle under my breath.
“Thank you.” She sits. “I know all of this has been difficult for you…”
“I should be the one thanking you.” I sigh. “I didn’t exactly make it easy, and you were a lot kinder to me than you had to be.”
“It was a dark time for everyone.” She looks down for a moment. “I think it’s best to put all of it in the past and try to move on.”
“You won’t have much time for anything else.” I lean forward and tap the sonogram. “You’ll have much more important things to worry about soon enough.”
“Yeah.” She puts her hand on her stomach and smiles. “I truly can’t wait.”
Kiana doesn’t seem upset that she can
’t have dinner with her husband. She seems genuinely happy to spend time with me. I know I am. I was such an idiot for so long and am damn lucky I didn’t permanently ruin our relationship. Like Ainsley, I didn’t see the value in what I had until it was almost gone, and I let my insecurities spill over on those who loved me most of all. I didn’t see the light until it was too late to repair everything. She’s been saved from the worst of it, provided that she means what she says.
“I know this is a touchy subject, but I’m going to ask anyway.” Kiana leans back in her chair. “Are you doing okay?”
“What do you mean?” I raise an eyebrow.
“You were drinking quite a bit at the Halloween party. You started smoking again.” She sighs. “I promise I’m not trying to be a nag; I care about you.”
“I’m okay, Kiana.” I reach over and pat her hand. “Yeah, it’s been a rough year, but I’m getting to a much better place now.”
“Yeah, it’s been rough for everyone.” She sighs and starts to tear up. “It’s just that… I spent so long without really having you in my life. The way I needed you at least, and I don’t want to lose you now that we’re able to do things like this.” She motions to my desk. “When was the last time we could sit, have a meal together, and talk like adults?”
Pregnancy hormones. I’d recognize that mood swing from a mile away.
“Kiana, you aren’t going to lose me. I promise.” I squeeze her hand and ride it out until her emotions finally stabilize. “I made a lot of mistakes. I’m glad we’re able to do things like this too.”
I could probably ease her mind a little more if I tell her I’m seeing someone, but I’m not ready for the questions that would come. She’s let it slip not too long ago that Janie is. I pretended not to hear it when I saw the panic in her eyes, but it felt like a knife in the gut. What I’m saying to her is true. I was in a dark place and would’ve had to lie about it if we were having this conversation a few weeks ago, but now I can genuinely say that I’m happy.
There’s a reason for that.
Don't Call Me Daddy (Once Upon a Daddy) Page 13