At War with Society; or, Tales of the Outcasts

by Rodrigues Ottolengui

  A Want Spoils Perfection.

  The coming round of extremes, so as to meet and disappear in eachother's ends, is a thing which all must have noticed, and why not Iamong the rest? I rather think that in my small way I couldn't have donewhat I have done, if I hadn't been a _thinker_, and so I have noticedthe danger of overdoing things. Not only do strong passions, thoughgood, land in the slough of evil, but overstretched prudence, cold andcalculating, leads to a pretty considerable combustion. Yes, our oldmother says, "Walk in the middle"--on the sides there are pitfalls; andyet we are never happy if we are not gaping over precipices, and talkingof the picturesque and the sublime. No wonder a few topple over, andthus add to the picturesque.

  When Mr C----, watchmaker in Arbroath, afraid as he was to leave hisstock of watches in his shop, bethought himself of the prudent step ofremoving them at night, by a medium exposed to danger, he was justwalking to the _side_. One night in January 1850, his two apprentices,in pursuance of their master's care, collected all the watches--aboutfifty in number--with many other valuable things in silver and gold, anddeposited them in a box, with the view of their being carried to MrC----'s dwelling-house, at some distance from the shop. The shop wasthen locked up, and one of the lads, swinging the box on his back bymeans of a leather strap, proceeded, with his companion alongside of himas a guard, to the usual safe place of deposit. The night was pitchdark. Their way lay by a path where the houses were thinly scattered,and the property was thus placed in a far more dangerous position thanif it had been left in a good safe under lock and key in the shop, alsoitself under lock and key, and all under the survey of neighbours--ifnot of the police. When some way on their road, up started two men, oneof whom held the companion, while the other, applying a knife to thestrap, undid the box and made off with it in an instant. The other,letting go his grip of the lad, was also off like a flash of lightning,and the extreme care of the valuable box was thus superseded by theeffort of a few minutes. The boys were too much stunned to be able topursue, even if they had had the courage, or even to bawl, though theyhad the common instinct. Like most other premeditated efforts, the thingwas well done; and long before any hue and cry could be got up, therobbers were far away.

  Next day the usual information came fulminating over toEdinburgh--usual, with the to-be-expected abatement, that nodescription could, in the circumstances, be possible. The boys, underthe influence of the fear which paralysed them, could and did givenothing but a "travestie" of the features of the men. When I read theconfused account,

  "Why," said I to the Lieutenant, "these noses, eyes, and chins, are solike what we see every day, that I might as well take up the LordProvost as any one else." And as I had been reading a funny satire ofthe man called Lavater, some nights before, I could not help beinghumorous in my own blunt way. "Do you know that a great man, Lichtenbergby name, a queer satirical body with a hunch, raised all Germany into alaugh, by publishing the figure of a pig with a nicely curled tail, andmarked on one turn of the said tail 'firmness,' on another'benevolence,' on another 'murder,' all of which went to shew the natureof the animal, just as Lavater labelled the features of a man's face. Sohere we are required to find these two clever fellows, by signs given bytwo boys in the dark. I may find the watches, and thereby the men, andso far the intimation is proper and hopeful, but to expect us to findthe men by their _noses_, is just rather too much."

  "You can only do your best, James," said Mr Moxey, looking up at what hethought wonderfully learned in me.

  "Yes, sir," replied I, "but I know no _best_ but detection; without thatthe best is the worst."

  So I could only try the usual places of deposit and pledge, when theremight be time for the thieves getting here and disposing of their prey.Watches are "casting-up" things. They are seldom melted, for their valueis so much more than that of the materials, and then they are always inrequest, so I had some chance of meeting them somewhere--at least one ormore out of such a stunning number as fifty. Accordingly, I did my bestin the dead-object way, but without any success, and I could trust onlyto time and continual dodging to arrive at any discovery.

  Some time passed, I don't remember how long. As for trying _faces_, itwas out of the question, when I had neither image in my mind, ordescription to go by; and I need not say that I did not continue that,because I really never began it. But, as it will appear, my lucky geniushad not flown away up above the stars to report how she had favoured meand had got enamoured of some other winged creatures, so as to delay herreturn. I was one night on my rounds in the Grassmarket, attended asusual by my companion. The night was not so dark as that one could notsee a considerable way before. I was rather complaining that there wasnothing to see. We were approaching Smith's Close, when my ear wasstartled, and my eye directed towards a man who had instantaneously lefta companion, and rushed with clattering steps up the close.

  "Seize that one," said I.

  And after the other up the close I sprang at the top of my speed. I sawhis dark figure before me, which, as the moon, getting from behind acloud, threw a reflection, (made angular by the sky-line of the highhouses,) came out in an instant, firm, clear, and distinct. There was nochance for him, and he knew it. She was not so kind to one of her"minions" on this occasion as she used to be in the old border times.Just as I was coming upon him, he whirled a guard from his neck andthrew away a watch.

  "What's the matter with the timepiece, man?" said I, as I laid hold ofhim, and dragging him to the article, picked it up. "Isn't it a good 'unthat you threw it away?"

  The fellow was sulky, and would not answer me; but a watch was sopleasant an object to me at that particular time that I overlooked theaffront. Dragging him to the foot of the close, where his companion wasin the custody of my assistant, we took our men to the Office, where Ivery soon discovered that the watch was one of Mr C----'s fifty. Myanticipations, in which I had been so wise, were thus strangely enoughreversed. In place of getting the men through the _watch_, I had got thewatch through the _men_. And my next object was to improve upon the goodfortune that had been so kind to me, in spite of my want of confidencein my benefactress. But here commenced a new difficulty. The menfoolishly enough gave each the other's name, Alexander Clark and JamesMitchell--quite different from those they carried for the nonce; but asfor aught else, they were what we call lockmouths. No skeleton-key wouldreach their works. I was thus driven aback, nor did I make much progressfor some time, except in hearing that one Hart had got another of thewatches from another man, who had got it from Mitchell. This I, ofcourse, treasured up in the meantime; but I was so anxious to worm outof my men where they resided--the true clue to all otherdiscoveries--that I postponed all other inquiries, and besides, fromwhat I knew of Hart, a lockmouth too, I had no hopes of him. All myefforts with my men were, however, vain. They would admit nothing as totheir place of putting up; sullen, if not enraged, at the trickpractised on them in getting each to give the other's real name. Whysuch men could have been so completely off their guard is not easy to beaccounted for, except on the supposition that they were trying to fightshy of one another, or upon the principle I have often acted on, thateven a cautious thief will sometimes allow the admission of a fact notdirectly implicating himself to be jerked out of him by a suddenquestion. After the men had been sent in custody to Dundee, I sought outHart, and was just as unsuccessful with him. He would not admit to thewatch, neither would he confess that he knew the residence of either theone or the other.

  And here this strange case--destined to have so many crooks in itslot--took another turn, which, involving a little disregard of courtesytowards me, roused my independence to a rather grand vindication. Theauthorities in Dundee sent over an officer, who informed us thateighteen of the watches had been recovered there, and that they hadascertained, by the confession of Mitchell, that the thieves had beenresiding in Edinburgh, in a certain tavern kept by a Mrs Walker. MrMoxey got the intelligence, and whether or not it was that he had beensuddenly seized with the ambition of becoming a pr
actical detective Icannot say; but true it is that, without any communication to me, he setout with the Dundee officer to find out Mrs Walker, and, no doubt,recover the remainder of the watches. Well, I allowed them full rope,and they wandered about for a whole day, without being able to find thissame tavern. I knew very well what they were after, and could have ledthem to the house as direct as to the jail, but I abstained from allinterference, where my services were, as I thought, superseded. Perhapsthere was a little cunning--what could we do without it?--at the bottomof my very virtuous indignation.

  At length, and when utterly exhausted, my superior called me in theevening.

  "James," said he, "I can make nothing of this inquiry; there is no MrsWalker's tavern in Edinburgh."

  "Why, sir, hadn't you better continue the search all night?" said I;"you may get the house before the morning."

  He looked at me to see the state of my face, and smiled, for he was avery good-natured man.

  "Do you mean what you recommend?" said he.

  "To be sure I do," said I. "It was no wish of mine that you should beginthe search, but seeing you have begun it, and every moment is precious,I think you should end it before you sleep."

  "But I _have_ ended it."

  "Yes, in your way, but not exactly in mine. However, I am wearied, and,if you please, while you are _beginning_ where you _ended_, I shall goto bed."

  "I have done enough to-day," was the reply; "I shall see what more canbe done to-morrow. I have some letters to write."

  Leaving him, I went out, but in place of going down the High Streethome, I proceeded to Smith's Close, where I knew Mrs Walker had hertavern, and had had it for years.

  "Mrs Walker," said I, as the good woman opened the door, "did two youngmen lodge with you for a few days lately?"

  "Ay," replied she.

  "Will you shew me where they slept?"

  "Surely."

  And leading the way, she shewed me into a bedroom with one bed in it.

  I then began to look about in my ordinary way, first very cursorily, andfinding nothing, where I expected nothing, I got upon my knees, andsprawled in under the bed, so low being the bottom that it was withgreat difficulty I could get a part of my body in. I then came outagain, as most people do when they get into any kind of holes, exceptone, pulling out after me a pillow-case, apparently, that is, to thetouch, filled with hay, and so, to be sure, in undoing the mouth, Ifound it was. On pulling out the hay, however, I brought along with it atowel containing something hard.

  "There will be eggs among the hay," said the landlady.

  "Laid by _cocks_, perhaps," said I, as I undid the towel.

  And there I laid open as pretty a sight as one could wish to see--thirtywatches, white and yellow, just lovely to behold.

  "Are you a wizard, Mr M'Levy?" said the woman, as she held out herhands; "all that in my house, and me as ignorant of it as a suckingchild!"

  "I don't doubt you, Mrs Walker," said I; "but confess that you think Ishould be content."

  "Content!" replied she; "I know not what would content you if thesedidn't. Just offer them to me, and see whether or not I would becontent."

  "But I am not content," said I; "I want one more."

  "Well, I aye thought you were a reasonable man, Mr M'Levy."

  "'A WANT SPOILS PERFECTION,' Mrs Walker," said I; "and I will not besatisfied till I get this want supplied."

  Rolling up my watches I left the house, and went direct to the Office.Mr Moxey was busy with his letters.

  "What?" said he, "here again, James! I thought you had gone to bed."

  "I have just something to do first," said I, as I laid down the parcel,(retaining the bundle of hay.) "Mrs Walker, tavern-keeper, Smith'sClose, Grassmarket, presents her compliments to Mr Moxey, and begs tosend him two dozen and a half of fresh eggs from Arbroath."

  "Eggs to me! are you mad?" But beginning to smell, as he suspected, atrick, he opened the towel, and saw before him Mr C----'s thirtywatches.

  "Where got?" he asked.

  "Where, but in Mrs Walker's tavern, where they naturally fell to be."

  "And unknown to her?"

  "Close up to the wall beneath the bed, and all, like eggs, enclosed inthis hay."

  "I'll never interfere with your searches again," he added, laughing."I'll write this moment, and make C---- a happy man."

  "Yes," said I; "and tell him, that, though I'm a _safe_ enough _man_,I'm not 'a patent safe.'"

  "We've got all."

  "No, 'A WANT SPOILS PERFECTION,'" said I. "There's one awanting, andwithout that the rest are nothing."

  "Mr C---- will scarcely think that," said he. "You have done enoughto-day, and I think you had better go to bed."

  "No, I must have _that_ watch, otherwise I could sleep none."

  I then went to the desk, and taking a printed form of one of ourcomplaints, not filled up, and not signed of course, I put it quietly inmy pocket, departed, and took my way to the man Hart's once more. Ifound him in, just preparing to go to bed.

  "My last visit, Hart," said I; "I am come once more for the watch yougot from the friend of Mitchell."

  "I told you before," said he, "that I have no such watch, and neverhad."

  "And I tell you that I have the very best authority for knowing that youhave. Now, Hart, I have known you for some time, and would rather saveyou than banish you, but," pulling out the useless bit of printed paper,"I have no discretion. There are certain people called authorities, youknow, and they have long arms. Do you see that paper? Did you ever hearof such a thing as a complaint?"

  "Do you mean a warrant of apprehension?" said he.

  "Just as you choose to call it," replied I, taking out my handcuffs. "Iam sorry for this duty imposed upon me, but either you or I must suffer.You must walk up to the Office, or I must bid farewell to it."

  My man got into a pensive mood, and looked on the floor.

  The conjurors on the stage do their work with little things, and theydeceive the senses; but they don't often touch the heart. I have donesome things in my conjuring way with very puny instruments. Yes, theheart is a conjurable commodity, very simple and helpless when operatedupon successfully, and I was here trying to vanquish a stronger one thanMrs Donald M'Leod's, by the means of a bit of paper, with a few words ofprint on it, and a loop of leather. I have sometimes suspected that theworld is juggled in a similar way, only the juggle is not very oftenknown. If so, I may be allowed my small devices, especially when used inthe cause of what is good and lawful. I wanted only to save anotherman's watch. A bit of paper not much larger, once saved the lives ofmore Roman senators than my watches amounted to altogether.

  The first sight of my talisman was not enough. Mr Hart was wary. Hehesitated, and struggled with himself for a considerable time--not somuch, I thought, for the sake of the watch, as from fear that, afterall, I would apprehend him.

  "You will do _me_," said he, "as you did the Highlander's wife."

  "No," replied I, "I will be on honour with you. Look,--you may make surework,--I'll not take the watch out of your hands till I have burned thewarrant."

  The promise caught him. He drew on his stockings again,--for he had beenpreparing for bed,--put on his shoes and hat, and getting a candle,lighted it.

  "Wait here," said he, and went out.

  I don't like these _leavings_, I have sometimes found no _returns_; so Ifollowed him to the door, and dogged him to the foot of a close not farfrom his house. He went up till he came to an old thatched byre, to thetop of which he got by means of a heap of rubbish. When I saw the candleglimmering on the top of the house, a solitary light amidst thedarkness, and all around as still as death, I could not help thinking ofthe romance that hangs round the secret ways of vice. The cowkeeper, ashe fed his charge, never suspected that there was a treasure overcrummie's head; no more did the urchins, who rode on the rigging, dreamof the presence of so wonderful a thing to them as a gold watch.

  All safe, said I to myself, as I saw the light changing
its place, anddescending. Then it came down the close, and we stood face to face.

  "Here it is," said he; "but I tell you once for all, that I am aspowerful a man as you, and that"----

  "Stop," said I, "no need, my good fellow; give me your candle. There,"continued I, as I applied the blank complaint to the flame, and saw itflare up and die away into a black film, "there's your bargain,--nowmine."

  And I got the watch, and supplied the _want_.

  "Good night, my man; you will sleep sounder without the care and fear ofthis stolen watch than with it."

  This bit of sentiment struck him.

  "Well, I believe I will," he said, with a little thickening of thewindpipe; "I'll have nothing more to do with stolen property. I havenever been happy since I got possession of it."

  In a short time, I was before Mr Moxey again, whose letters threatenedto terminate in night-work.

  "Put that to the rest," said I; "_the want is supplied_,--thirty-two andeighteen make up the fifty, I believe."

  "You are refined, James," said he; and perhaps he would not have said itif he had known the story of the old complaint, which for the time Ikept to myself. Self-love has its weaknesses. If I had told my device, Imight have gratified my vanity; but my trick would have become commonproperty, and thereby lost its charm.

  After my day's work, I went home, and was soon asleep.

  I acquired a little honour in this matter, although I considered it wasnot much more than apprentice-work. I had no objection, however, thatmy brother bluecoats of the bonny toun should see that M'Levy had notlost the keenness of his scent for such secreted articles as thosestolen watches; and this shews that we have our little drops ofenjoyment amidst our cares and anxieties, ay, and dangers, and, thankGod, happiness is a comparative affair. The word "danger" suggests a fewwords. I have often been asked, "M'Levy, were you never hurt?" My answerbeing no,--"M'Levy, was you ever afraid?" My answer the same, though Ihave been amidst glittering knives before now, ay, and fiery eyes,brighter than the knives; but I early saw that a bold front is the bestbaton. A detective is done the moment his eye quivers or his armfalters. If firm, there is no risk, or if any, it is from the cowards. Abrave thief has something like an understanding of the relation he bearsto the laws and its officers. He has a part to play, and he plays itwith something so much like the honour of the Honeycombs at cards ordice, that it would surprise you. These latter, to be sure, are onlysliders too, and the end of their descent is often deeper than that oftheir humble brethren of the pea and thimble.

  I have only to add, that my men were forthwith brought to trial. Thereal pith of my histories is to me the _end_; yes, all their _charm_ tome lies in the tail, although others, and you may readily guess who theyare, may think that the _sting_ lies there. I would not, however, givethe fact that Clerk got his seven years, and Mitchell his eighteenmonths as a resetter, for all the _eclat_ accorded to any ingenuity Ihad displayed in bringing about these happy consummations.