That fucking detective.
He walks into the room and finds it before I can get it.
I hiss. That’s mine! I shove my fist in my mouth to keep from screaming. The anger pulses underneath my skin and I claw at a scab on my wrist until it turns bloody again. She should have known. She should have known not to let him follow her back home. I close my eyes and shake my head violently. If he’s there, I’m almost positive Jasper is, too.
They’ll ruin everything.
Jasper, the prick with those pansy looking shorts, almost ruined my chance with you. It’s like he’s obsessed — he always appeared at the most inopportune moments, looking at your hands as if he wanted to reach out and grab them. And I knew, because he lacks the courage necessary, nothing would ever happen.
Like I said. He’s a pansy. Definitely not right for you — quoting poetry and waxing philosophical about the screenplay he’s working on at night. He bored you. He didn’t even know you.
But I do. I know you better than anyone.
You get mad when people don’t listen to you.
You dream of a life that is yours — separate from Lavender. You always told me, “you have to find yourself in order to know what you’re meant to do with this life.”
You never knew that every time you said that, I became more and more aware that what I’m meant to do in this life has everything to do with you. You’re not like the others. You never had any idea that the reason my heart beats is because I imagine the moment I will feel your heart beat against mine. I smile to myself and glance back at you, eyes droopy with confusion. Yesterday, you fought me when I tried to feed you — biting my shoulder and screaming until you were hoarse. Naturally, I had to calm you down, so I gave you some Valium with a vodka chaser. You went right to sleep and are just now starting to wake up.
I sniff at the memory, feeling the excitement of the chase rise all over again. I look back toward the window, and notice the detective is leaving. I lean forward as he shakes the gravel pulling out of the driveway. A motion in the bedroom catches my attention and I see you put the note back under the window.
That’s right. Fight for me.
Lavender and Juniper, sugar and spice.
Soon I will have everything nice.
A curious obsession indeed.
9
I follow Jasper down the trail, or I guess I should say up — the trail leads to the cliffs nearby, winding up and down along the coast. The sun creates a warmth that counters the wind that brushes cool against my skin. I take a deep inhale, noticing the difference of how the Atlantic caresses the shore. I’m used to the break and tumble of the Pacific, a different kind of grace that crashes against cliffs and creates new landscapes from its existence. I can see why Juniper chose this place. A small grin escapes the weariness of my expression and I let the muscles in my shoulders relax. It helps to see and feel my sister in and around her normal surroundings. I feel, for the moment, centered. Mom always told me the ocean rooted you to the core of who you are: “it’s the rhythm and strength and beauty of those waves, baby,’ she’d whisper in my ear as we’d all watched the sunrise crest over the horizon. When we would look at her, her red hair forming a halo in the growing light, she could tell us anything and we’d believe her.
“The Reese women have ocean in our veins, girls. We need her to breathe. Don’t ever stray far from her or you’ll most likely get lost.” All we ever knew was her eccentricity, so we’ve only ever lived as if this were true.
I take a deep breath and allow the oceanic crashes to sync with my own internal rhythm. Right here — right now — I am okay. I am doing what I know to do, what Juniper would be doing for me if roles were reversed. She always lectures me about not taking breaks. I run too hard, she says — and I know it’s true. I can’t run from my ghosts forever. The hard part? I’m really good at doing it. And she was really good at seeing.
Dammit. Is. She is really good at seeing.
“Come see me,” she always tells me. “You have vacation stored up. I know you do.”
I always say no. I’m too busy, too focused, too distracted with filling my schedule to run from the hurt. A parent’s death for anyone would be difficult to navigate, but for me it felt like a wound I couldn’t escape no matter how hard I tried. And now no matter what I do, my mother’s ghost seems to haunt me with memories so intense they feel like a constant weight around my middle section, taking me under.
And then there was Jack. For the past ten years, I’ve run from one trauma to another. And now Juniper. Forget Mercury. It feels like my entire life is in permanent retrograde.
I let out a frustrated sigh and shake my arms loose.
I don’t want to admit it, but I really needed to get out and breathe the fresh air. I watch Jasper out of the side of my eye, only slightly annoyed by his self-appointed role as my babysitter. I’m grateful he wants to help find Juniper, but if they are so close how come I never heard about him? My eyes narrow at the realization that it’s one more thing my sister never really told me, one more thing I’m adding to the list for her to explain when we finally reunite. For now though, he’s all I have connecting me to her.
“I need to ask you something,” I say. “It might be awkward.”
Jasper reaches for a stone in front of him and throws it off the side of the cliff, watching it bounce until it disappears.
“I’m a native in the country of Awkward. Give it your best shot.”
A laugh escapes from my lips and my hands reach up to gather the hair on my neck in a pile on the top of my head. With one finger, I grip the rubber band around my wrist, pull it off, and wrap it around my untamed hair.
I’m delaying the inevitable. I have no idea how to jump into this conversation.
Help me out here, Juniper.
I close my eyes, fighting the impending embarrassment. “I’m trying to figure out why you’re here. Why you haven’t left yet and seem to be so invested. Were you guys like a thing?”
Jasper falters and widens his eyes for a brief moment before creating a rhythm with his steps all over again. His lips curve down briefly before nodding.
“I mean,” I put my hand up and brush against his sleeve in embarrassment. “I know why you’re here now — you were commissioned as my guardian or whatever.” I’m starting to stumble over my words and my hands start fluttering in front of me, a tell I’m getting frantic.
“Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful you’re here. It helps having someone who knows Juniper and can provide some context to this gut feeling I had before showed up. I just…I don’t know you.” I shrug. “And I’m wondering why you care.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
I keep walking, avoiding his gaze and hoping he’s still within earshot. My eyes stay on the path in front of me. I think I feel him behind me, but I’m not sure.
“Juniper never mentioned you.” I stumble through my words. “I mean, no offense. I’m not saying you don’t mean anything to her. She doesn’t tell me everything — clearly — because I didn’t know she was getting notes or being harassed? Stalked? by a student. Or I guess we don’t know if it’s a student, huh? Anyways…”
I’m rambling.
I take a breath to stop me from talking. I pause for a moment, chancing a glimpse at him and hoping he hasn’t tuned me out. I’m surprised by how close he is — my breath hitches as he nearly runs into me. Jasper wipes his forehead with the back of his hand and smiles as he side steps me, preventing a collision.
“Lavender. It’s fine.” He places his hand briefly on my shoulder and I hide my surprise at the heat he leaves behind.
“Juniper and I were close. She helped me through a really tough break up right around the time she and Simon were beginning to have difficulties.”
He sniffs.
“I guess you can say we were each other’s lifeboat.” He squints and looks ahead, continuing to walk. He pauses more to accommodate for the steeper incline. “But no. We weren’t romanti
cally involved, if that’s what you’re asking.”
I blush again and suck in my lip, unsure of how to respond. I settle for “oh,” suddenly wanting to disappear from the awkwardness I’m feeling. Yep. Wasn’t prepared for this conversation.
“But,” Jasper raises his hand and separates his fingers in a frustrated push against the air around him. “She really is one of my closest friends here.” He looks out past the cliff. “She’s family to me. That probably sounds ridiculous.” He laughs and hangs his thumbs on the loops of his shorts. “She told me about your mom. How it happened.”
I breathe sharply and blink away the tears suddenly threatening the surface. Nope. Not ready for this. Not even a little bit. I study his profile and how the words fall off his lips. He turns to look me in the eye and runs his fingers through his hair, trying to find the words. We’ve both stopped on the trail and we’re facing each other, the sun beginning to make its descent on the horizon. I can see the gold around us taking over.
“I don’t….”
He puts his hand up, interrupting me. “It’s fine. You don’t have to say anything and I won’t say any more. I just wanted you to know. Thought it might help you understand how close we were.”
He glances at me.
I feel the edges of hurt scrape against me and I wince. Juniper telling Jasper about Mom’s death could mean anything. It’s been ten years and it still feels like those first few moments after it happened — struggling to breathe, the rush of adrenaline, the horror of seeing her broken body on the side of the road.
My fault. My fault. My fault.
“I know y’all don’t talk about her a lot.”
“Ever.” My tone is sharp and biting. I clear my throat and use the back of my wrist to dig into the corner of my eyes, drying what tears have made their way despite my attempt at pushing them back. He nods and looks away, choosing to keep walking, getting the hint.
I am clearly done with this part of our conversation. My body language turns rigid and I’m standing as far away from Jasper as I can possibly get without falling off the edge of the cliff. He’s a few steps ahead of me when he looks behind his shoulder and offers a smile.
“Juniper was there for me at my lowest point. So to me, she’s like the sister I never had. And if you’re family...” Jasper says, his voice dropping an octave. I pretend I don’t hear the emotion behind the shift. “I’m going to do whatever I need. If you’re family, I’m going to fight for you until I find a reason not to — so….”
He leaves his thought hanging and I turn away from him, embarrassed by the way his voice cracked. Embarrassed by my own reaction. I wrap my arms around me, my fingers reaching for familiar territory. I’m fighting my own thoughts creating a thunderstorm of emotions. My phone vibrates and I pull it out of my pocket, my heart shaking again. Maybe this time…maybe it’s Juniper. I see Jasper rush over to me and hover, trying to see who’s calling.
My heart slams against my chest and I feel the disappointment scrape against my insides like a razor.
It’s not her.
Will I ever stop wondering if it’s you?
I choke out a hello.
“What’s wrong?” It’s Detective Dan. He immediately launches into suspicion. He must hear the hidden emotions in my voice.
“I-I’m fine.” I shake my head quickly and dig one of my fingernails into the meaty part of my flesh. I should probably stop lying about how I’m doing, but I also can’t find it in me to care.
Dan makes a noncommittal grunt and says something under his breath that I can’t hear. It’s probably for the best.
“Okay. Well. The forensics team is on their way, and they’ll need you there in case they have any questions.” He waits a beat. “Are you still home?”
I look at Jasper and motion for us to walk back toward the house and he nods in understanding.
“Yeah. Yeah, we’re here. We’ll be here.”
And I hang up, not knowing what else to say. Strangers are about to comb through my sister’s things. Will they find anything? I tap my phone against the palm of my hand, a tattoo of emotional angst and nervous energy.
We’re silent the rest of the way home, the sounds of the ocean becoming the soundtrack to each of our thoughts, lost in the never-ending question of how someone could just cease to exist, and how her disappearance continually pushes us together, whether we’re ready for it or not.
.::.
The team is at the house when we get back from our walk. One of the men walks up to introduce himself to me and I recognize him from the hallways of the police station. His name is — honest to God — Morty. On a sliding scale, my confidence in this investigation is dwindling by the second.
“What are the chances of finding something?”
He crosses his arms and rocks back on his feet. He’s clearly unaffected by the pomp and circumstance of this search. “We know what to look for, so I’m sure we’ll turn up something.”
I catch Jasper’s eye and watch the frown flash across his face.
“Listen. I’m sure this is an unnecessary reminder, but can you show a bit of empathy here?” He steps closer to me and juts his chest out a fraction of an inch. I suck in my tongue to keep from laughing at the bravado. As if it’s needed.
Morty lifts his chin and raises an eyebrow in an overt attempt at challenging Jasper’s size. I give up. I wave the men off and turn around to walk up the porch, waiting on the swing while I hear the chaos of the search inside.
It takes the team less than an hour to pick apart every square inch of Juniper’s house before they find something. Her house doesn’t even look like her house anymore. Cushions are upended, the large ottoman in the corner with the pile of blankets has been turned on its side and is resting against the wall. Light fixtures are torn apart and hanging loosely from the ceilings, even her mattress has been pulled and tossed aside so they could take apart the bed frame and look inside the metal pieces. They aren’t even done. I can’t believe the absolute disaster her home has become.
Sorry, J. This is going to take forever to clean up.
From the corner, I hear a small gasp and nervous energy.
“It looks like a camera of some sort,” the guy says when he finds it. I feel dizzy.
A small ball, barely recognizable, hidden in plain sight within her diffuser. Whenever the diffuser turned on, so did the camera. Even more terrifying: it had range of the entire home: her bedroom. The living room. The kitchen. If he was capable of rigging a diffuser to look like a camera, he was capable of a lot of things, the team tells me. I might be sick.
I can’t speak. When did he put that in there? How did he get access to her home?
“You should probably stay somewhere else — maybe find a hotel until we can be certain there isn’t anything else lingering here.”
I stare ahead, unable to process. My brain is going a mile a minute. If he was watching Juniper, does that mean he is watching me? I take a deep breath, trying to focus on the specialist in front of me.
“You think…you think there’s more?”
The guy drops the diffuser into a container and looks back at me with an empty gaze.
“If there’s one, there’s always more.”
I fall into the couch behind me and feel Jasper’s hand rest on my back.
“I have an extra room if you…”
“No.” My response is shorter than I mean it to be but let’s be real. My hands are the shape of a prayer between my legs. I can still feel them shaking. Or maybe that’s my entire body. I can’t even tell anymore. I push my tongue up against my teeth and breathe. Stay at his house? Please. I’m shaken, but not desperate.
“Sorry. I just…” I look at him, barely able to hold his gaze. “I need my space I think. I’ll just get a hotel.”
Jasper has his lower lip in between his forefinger and thumb and I’ve spent enough time with him these past 36 hours I already know it means he’s thinking about how to try and word something.
; “Are you sure?”
I reach for my phone on table in front of me, trying to steady myself.
“I’m positive.” I look down at my phone again and punch in our location and get more than a few options for hotels. “You can help me find a decent place to stay though,” I offer an olive branch — albeit a weak one. “I’ve seen Psycho. Last thing I need is a sketchy hotel where the owner has his dead mom stashed somewhere.”
He swallows a reply and nods.
“Okay. Check out Hotel Providence. They’re decent. But it might be difficult to find a room right now — Waterfire starts tomorrow.”
“Waterfire?”
“A local festival. Basically, we put bonfires on the river — about 80 total — and there are fire tenders who show up and make sure they stay lit. Everyone shows up, there’s music and the scent of the wood burning is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.”
I tilt my head.
“Sounds ritualistic.”
He smiles. “It’s something, that’s for sure. The crowds get bigger every year.”
I punch in the information for the hotel in my phone and find they have availability, but it’s limited. A timer starts ticking at the top of the browser and I realize I only have two minutes to book this room that now, according to their built in countdown, is their only vacancy.
Shit.
I point toward my bag resting on the chair across from the coffee table.
“Could you hand me my bag? I need to reserve this room before it disappears out from under me and I’m left bunking with a stranger.”
He looks offended for a few seconds before reaching for the strap and handing it to me.
“I’m not a stranger,” he mutters under his breath.
“I wasn’t talking about you,” I respond, giving him a smile as I take my bag from his hand and reach for my wallet. I’m not paying attention to what I’m throwing out of the bag in order to get my card, and within minutes I have the room secured. I breathe a sigh of relief and glance up at Jasper triumphantly. My victory is short lived. He’s apparently no longer thinking about my slight jab of staying with a stranger over him or whether or not I’ll get the room. He’s looking at a piece of paper, his face white. His lips shrink into a thin line and he shakes his head slightly, his eyes wrinkling at the corners in concern.
Curious Obsession Page 8