Knowing my sister, it would still be a deal breaker. Especially if the fragility came at the expense of someone else’s freedom and autonomy. I choose to bypass his feelings and move forward.
“I’m honestly not sure if I should even be talking with you about this, but once I found that blog last night, I couldn’t help but think you might remember something — anything — that could help us figure out who might have her. Whoever it is has been leaving her notes everywhere. And this blog was written by a student. Is that even a possibility? Could a student be responsible? I don’t remember her talking about anyone in particular who gave her a hard time…” I took a breath to pause my own rambling.
Simon was silent.
“Hello?”
“Hey, listen Lavender. I can’t talk about this over this line. Can I call you in two minutes?”
“Um...sure?”
The hair on the back of my neck stands at attention as I hear a click. I lower my phone to look at the screen and sure enough, he hung up on me. Even though I know he’s supposed to call back, I still jump at the way my phone begins to vibrate in my hand when it starts to ring again. Unavailable flashes across the screen. I answer it, annoyed.
“A private line? Really?”
“Lavender-“
“An odd way to flex you owning a security company, but okay.”
“It’s not —,” he begins but then pauses. “Never mind. Not important. Lavender, your sister and I didn’t break up. Not really.”
I shake my head.
“Yes - yes you did. She called me.”
“She lied.”
I drop down on the bed, in shock.
“Why would she lie?”
He sighs.
“How much time do you have?”
14
I have no words. I close my eyes, wanting to block out everything he’s told me even though I know I can’t go back. I’m just about to end our conversation when a knock on the door startles me. I drop my phone and it lands on my pinky toe. The pain is immediate and intense.
“Motherfucker!” I scream. The corner landed right in the meatiest section and already there’s a bruise forming. I know Jasper is on the other side of the door, because he is now hollering my name, asking if I am okay. Firecrackers go off inside my veins.
I pick up my phone and catch the tail end of Simon’s concern.
“…der? You okay?”
I limp toward the door. “Hi. Yeah. I’m fine. Sorry. I dropped my phone. Hold on a sec.” I open the door to see Jasper leaning into it, his muscles taut and his face stressed. My eyes go wide.
“Hi. Sorry. I’m fine. I dropped my phone on my toe.” I repeat for Jasper and glance down at the offending limb, now red and throbbing. So much for wearing my converse today.
Jasper runs his hands over his face and breathes a sigh of relief. “I swear to God, Lavender. If you hadn’t answered that door in two more seconds I was going to break it down.”
I offer him a half smile and pinch my thumb and pointer finger together.
“Break down the door? That’s a bit much. I’m fine. Dial down the machismo, Jasper. You’re at like a 10. I need you at a two.”
A blush crawls up his neck and once I know he’s calm, I return to Simon still waiting on the phone.
“Hey, I’m sorry. Someone just got here —“
“Yeah I heard. It’s Jasper. I’ll uh…I’ll let you go.”
“Oh, you know him!” I exclaim, turning a surprised face to Jasper. He looks at me, confused. I mouth Simon and his smirk is so large his eyebrows raise. I point my finger at him, threatening him a serious face.
“Oh I know Jasper, alright. Juniper couldn’t stop talking about how much he was helping her…how great he was with the students…if she didn’t talk about how much she wanted you to meet him I would have thought she wanted him for herself.” He laughs quietly. “She uh…she talked about him all of the time, Lavender. She really wanted y’all together.”
My eyes widen and I catch Jasper’s questioning glance before turning away. I can’t even be bothered by him saying Juniper was planning on hooking me and Jasper up — but I’m still shook by everything he told me.
“Bye, Simon. Stay safe.”
“Bye, Lavender. Don’t forget.”
I nod, even though Simon can’t see me.
“I won’t.”
I hang up and look at Jasper, who is now sitting at the desk and toying with the on/off switch of the lamp. He’s wearing khaki high waters today with a fitted button down Oxford shirt that’s a mixture of floral patterns. It’s so tight I can see his muscles strain against the fabric. I want to reach out and run my hands down his back. I blink and look away, confused by the tingling in my fingers.
“That was Simon,” I explain, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.
“So you said,” he grins.
Oh, god. When I’m nervous I repeat myself.
I can’t be nervous right now.
“You told him to stay safe?”
I suck in my teeth.
“Yeah. Yeah he told me some things. Apparently him and my sister didn’t break up like everyone thought.”
I watch him look around the hotel room and wait until I have his attention.
“Wait what?”
I nodded. “Yep. That was my reaction too.” I pointed at the chair.
“You’re gonna need to sit down.”
He crosses his ankle over his knee and rests his chin in his hand. “Are you as tired as I am?”
I laugh, and some of the nervousness dissipates. “I am in a perpetual state of exhaustion.”
His lips form a thin line and then crack open with a yawn. He leans back in the chair and stretches, his shirt coming up just above his pants. I blink and turn away, hoping to alleviate the blush that just radiated across my skin. He rubs his face with his hands and then lets them fall in his lap.
“I should have brought coffee over.”
“There’s some downstairs in the lobby.”
“That’s peasant juice.”
I laugh again.
“Touché.”
His eyes crinkle at the edges when he smiles and a playful look escapes before he can stop it.
“So, speaking of Simon….” He begins.
“Yes. Um. He is looking for her as we speak.”
“They didn’t break up.”
I shake my head. “Quite the opposite. They tried to play the game and played right into his hand.”
I bounce my phone against the side of my leg, knowing I could tell him more, but also wanting to protect him. I err on the side of caution and tell him the most important piece.
“He’s also gotten notes.”
Jasper freezes.
“Notes?”
“Well….a note. The morning after they faked their break up he had a note waiting for him on his windshield. Said he didn’t deserve her anyways or something like that….”
His eyebrows rise and he drops his leg so both feet are on the floor and he’s resting his elbows on his knees. He looks at me.
“That’s disturbing. He was watching them. He knew.”
I nod in agreement and walk toward him, sitting on the bed. “That’s exactly what I told him. He said he’s pretty sure he knows who it is and is contacting Dan about it. He left me something downstairs, too. I need to go get it as soon as I can.”
Anxious, I pick at the skin on my thumb. I can’t talk about this anymore. The anxiety of Simon believing he knows who took my sister, but not filling me in on his identity, is beyond frustrating. As if I don’t deserve to know who did this to her.
“So…did you just come by to check on me or….”
He sits back in the chair. “A little bit of everything, really. I wanted to check on you, but I also wanted to make sure you were eating. So I was going to take you to grab some lunch.” He looks down where his hands are clasped in front of him.
“And then I saw the news report this morning on Juniper
’s disappearance.” He pauses. “Did you see it?”
“I did.”
“At first I thought for sure it was Dan’s doing, but then they didn’t talk to any law enforcement at all. It was almost a human interest piece.”
“He called me thinking we did it.”
“Dan?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m assuming you told him no.”
I start pulling at a strand of hair, still wet from the shower.
“Well, yes. Of course. And then that almost freaked him out more. Made him think this guy is responsible for it now. That he’s changing tactics or whatever. Wants more notoriety or something.”
Jasper grimaced.
“I’ve seen this episode on any crime show. It’s never a good sign when they change their approach.”
I shiver, this time the chills an all-together different sensation than attraction. I move to open the curtains. I need more light.
“On the way over here, my buddy called me. The one who I talked about last night?”
I nod.
“I gave him all of the information he would need to track the website and see if there was any way we could determine who created it. He found something.”
Picking at my cuticles wasn’t enough; my thumb is now in my mouth and I’m gnawing at the edges of my nail. My heart is racing. I can’t say anything. I’m too focused and yet, I feel as if I am in a nightmare all over again. I don’t know if I want Jasper to tell me what his friend found. I don’t know if I want to be reminded for the second time this morning that I am not dreaming; that this is very real.
Juniper is gone, and someone took her.
I know though that Jasper won’t tell me anything unless I ask. Not because he’s being facetious and holding on to information, but because he’s wanting to make sure I’m ready — that I can handle it.
“What did he find?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
Jasper studies me for a bit longer before continuing.
“He was able to track the IP address to a location in Newport. When he gave me the area, it’s really close to your sister’s house. Like…really close, Lavender. This person could be a neighbor. Someone she sees all the time.”
I frown. “So it’s not a student?”
Jasper shakes his head. “I didn’t say that — remember, Sacred Heart is a private school. We don’t have districts. Students simply choose to attend and their parents, guardians, family — whomever — pay for tuition. It’s likely that more than a few students live in Newport.”
“She was so concerned about having a life outside of Sacred Heart,” I say. “Not that her students weren’t everything to her, but she was so adamant about having that boundary.” My lower lip twists in on itself and Jasper wrinkles his forehead.
“You uh…you just said Juniper was adamant.”
“What?”
“Was. It’s past tense. You were talking about Juniper in past tense.”
I freeze, the tears immediately piling on top of each other and cascading down my cheeks. “You know what I meant,” I sniff. Not willing to look at him. Not willing to admit that internally, my hope is shrinking.
“So all we know is that this person lives near my sister? That’s it?” I can feel the hysteria rising in my chest and I start pacing again to avoid eye contact. How is this okay. How are we possibly here — within spitting distance of someone who is actively hurting my sister and out to get me — and basically have our hands tied.
“Well, there’s more.”
I stop in my tracks and look at him. My face contorts into a grimace.
“More?”
“There’s a name.”
I blink a few times, disbelieving. “Your friend was able to track down the person’s name?! The person who’s been leaving us notes and putting in tracking devices to stalk us? Suddenly we have a name?!” My voice is getting louder by the second and I can feel myself hyperventilating. First Simon, now Jasper. “Way to bury the fucking lead, Jasper.”
I start clawing at my neck, hoping for some breath to come, but nothing happens. Jasper notices and hesitates for just a moment before standing up and walking over to me in one motion, pulling me close. I hold on tightly, clenching the fabric of his shirt in my fists while the emotion escapes. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop thinking of Juniper. Somewhere, somehow, I let her down. Again. It’s all I’ve ever done.
And now here we are, and she’s so close yet so far. I practically feel her breathing next to me and yet I can’t touch her.
“Let me clarify. We have a name, but we don’t necessarily know if it’s the person who targeted Juniper. We just know this was who wrote the blog. It’s one step closer. My buddy is sending everything to Dan as we speak.” I can feel his chest vibrate as he speaks and it’s oddly comforting. My breath slows as I take in this information. I have no idea why this — an actual tangible piece of evidence, is the one thing that set me off. I step away from Jasper, suddenly embarrassed.
“I’m sorry,” I sniff. I swat at the tears on my cheeks, frustrated.
Jasper stands still, watching me. “Lavender, you don’t have to apologize. This is a lot. What you’re dealing with is a lot. There’s no rhyme or reason for when emotion drops like this.”
I blink away some tears and try and gain some footing.
“I know. I just….it’s not useful.”
“It’s incredibly useful,” he counters. “Feeling your emotions — whatever they are — is healing. You’re getting out the pain and terror that you’ve been holding inside since this began.”
“I know that, I do. It’s just…have you ever felt like someone threw a grenade in the middle of your life only to run away? That’s what this feels like. The grenade just blew up everything and I’m left picking up the pieces.”
He lets me sit in the silence for a moment, and then slowly and methodically he grabs the tendril of hair I was playing with earlier and brushes it behind my ear. I feel the skin rise up to meet him and I catch my breath. It’s only a moment, though. He drops his hand and my skin craves the heat of his touch.
It’s too much. Too fast. My breath catches with the weight of wanting and he steps away, noticing my hesitancy and seeing it as a rebuttal. He has no idea how much I want to push him toward the bed right now.
“You don’t have to pick up the pieces alone, Lavender. But you’ll need to let others help you.”
I stare at him, willing myself to talk — to say something.
“The thing is, Jasper, every time I do that I only end up hurting people more by letting them into the middle of my chaos.”
He shakes his head. “That is not true, Lavender. And I think deep down you know it. I think you use this assumption as a way to protect yourself from getting too close — and I can prove it to you.”
His words are touching a tender spot I’ve held closely and I walk as far away as I can without actually leaving the room. I’m at the window, once again looking outside, when he goes further than anyone has ever attempted, outside of Juniper.
“It’s the reason you haven’t been to Providence to see Juniper,” he says, his voice dropping an octave. He’s gotten so quiet I have to strain to hear him. I turn around quickly, daring him to go further. He does.
“You think that if you stay in San Francisco and build a life without your sister — your twin — up until a few years ago your closest friend — she’ll forget about you because you’re too much trouble.”
“That’s not it at all, Jas-“ I gasp out the words because the air around us is combustible. I can’t breathe because I’m afraid any movement will turn this into something entirely different.
“…And if this happens, you’ll be alone.” He’s not stopping anytime soon. His eyes spark with an intensity that sets me off. My entire body is plugged in, ready to be detonated. I swallow and look away. There’s nowhere I can go without hearing what he has to say.
“And you won’t have to worry about hurting anyon
e else. Because the grenade can’t go off if there’s no one to pull the trig—.”
I stop him the only way I know how. I close the distance between us and pull his face toward my own. He startles at first, but doesn’t resist. The sound of his words is replaced with the truth of our lips colliding and immediately begging for more. I punish him with my tongue, earnest and heartbroken. He latches on to my waist, his hands digging into the skin. And then just as soon as it starts, I feel his grip loosen and he gently pushes me away. I stand there with my eyes closed for a half second before opening them. The humiliation is overwhelming.
“Lavender….no.”
“I-I’m sorry. I just…”
His hands are still on my waist and he moves them to grab my hands and hold them between us.
“No. Not no never, just…no. Not like this.” He bends over to make sure we are looking eye-to-eye. “Trust me. Pulling away was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in years.”
I fight the urge to look away.
“I was trying to shut you up.”
“I know exactly what you were doing. That’s why I stopped. You can’t use sex as a means to avoid the intimacy of someone really knowing you, Lavender.”
His words hit me all over again and I take a shuddering breath, trying to hold back sobs.
He kisses me on the forehead.
“Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to go get us some food. You stay here. When I come back, we can talk about how we need to fill Dan in on what we’ve found.”
I nod, stepping aside as he walks by me and heads for the door.
“I have my phone if you need me,” he says. And I offer a half smile, waving goodbye before he shuts the door behind him.
After he leaves, I stand there for five minutes, frozen. I have no idea how to handle the fact that for a moment, I had forgotten that Juniper was missing. When his lips were on mine, I had forgotten about everything else entirely.
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