by Fiona Cole
“Now that you’re back—”
We spoke at the same time, and he gestured for me to talk first.
I held up my stack of papers like a shield. “I should get these dropped off.”
He ran a hand through his hair and stepped back enough to be noticeable, but quickly covered it with a smile. “Yeah. Sure. Maybe I’ll see you around the lunchroom again. Missed those math puns.”
“You know what they say. Math puns are the first sine of madness,” I said, walking past him, giving an awkward laugh to go with the lame pun.
Still, he smiled, and all I could think was that it didn’t affect me like it did before. Not like Daniel’s.
I skipped the elevator and took the stairs, waving to Erik’s assistant, Laura, as I passed.
“He’s not in right now,” she said.
I almost sagged in relief at not having to face him.
“But Alex is in there. His meeting is running late, so she’s waiting.”
Shit. Alex was worse than Erik. She’d see through the best of masks I could create. I considered dropping the papers off with Laura and avoiding the office altogether, but deep down, I didn’t hate the idea of talking to Alex. She’d give me shit, but she’d also listen, and maybe that was what I needed.
“Hey,” I said, pushing the door open and closing it behind me. I’d need privacy and a sign if Erik was back. God forbid he overhear anything.
“Hey to you,” Alex greeted from behind Erik’s desk. “Long time, no see. How was your vacation?”
“Good.” And just like that, I blushed and smiled. “Great, actually.”
When I found the courage to peek up from under my lashes across the room, Alex had both eyebrows pushed high over wide eyes.
“What?” I asked, all innocence.
She blinked unimpressed.
“Come on. I brought Erik lunch, but he’s not here to eat it, and I have a feeling fries are going to be needed for this conversation.”
She grabbed the bag and gestured for me to follow her to the seating area. “It was just a trip,” I said, laughing awkwardly. I didn’t know why I continued pretending when we both knew I’d spill eventually.
“Where did you go? You look tan.”
“We went to Asheville and the Caribbean.”
“The mountains and the ocean. Not bad.” She nodded and shoved a handful of fries in her mouth. She considered me as she chewed. “Now, did you start having feelings for him before the trip or during?”
I choked on my drink, unprepared for her directness. I thought we had more time of innocence and beating around the bush. “What?”
“I mean, you’ve always stared at him with googley eyes, but who wouldn’t. He’s hot. But now, just mentioning your trip, I thought you’d melt into a puddle right before my eyes, and I didn’t even mention him yet.”
“Maybe I just enjoyed my trip that much.”
“The mountains and ocean aren’t that great. Unless there is a sexy man with you. Tell me,” she started, one brow cocked high. “Did you continue your lessons while you were there?”
Not even bothering to look away, I took a huge bite of my burger, buying time.
“So, you did,” she assumed correctly.
“It doesn’t mean anything.”
“It obviously does.”
“It doesn’t to him.”
Alex’s deviousness softened to concern, and she turned serious. “Are you sure?”
Flashes of Daniel above me, watching me so closely as he moved inside me. The way he held my hand like I was his haven when he fell apart in my arms. The way we made love anywhere and everywhere we could on our trip. The way he always made sure I knew I was safe. The way he kissed me and made me forget this wasn’t anything but a way to get me comfortable with touch.
Sometime over the trip, the lines blurred. I just didn’t know if they only blurred for me, or maybe they had for him too.
“We said no relationships.”
“Things change. Do you feel like they’ve changed?”
“For me, they have. But I can’t tell if it’s just for me. Maybe I’m imagining the way he looks at me because I want it to be more.”
“I understand. But maybe you’re not imagining it.” We both stopped to take a bite, thinking over the possibility. “What happened on the trip? What happened that made you realize it was more?”
Biting my cheek, I considered not telling her, pretending nothing happened, but why bother. I needed to tell someone. “We slept together.”
Her eyes grew comically wide before her jaw dropped and stretched into a smile. “Noice.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh my god. Stop.”
“Tell me about it? Good? Big? Long? Hooked to the left? Maybe right?”
“Stop.” I laughed harder, my hands covering my face.
“Oh, come on. I’ll tell you about Erik.”
“Ew. No. Please, don’t. I’ll tell you what you want to know, just please, not that.” She smiled victoriously and gestured for me to spill the beans. “It was great. More than great. It was perfect.”
“Was it like fucking? Or did it feel like more?”
I thought back to the moments he never looked away, moving slow and hard. Then I thought back to the moments he nipped at my breasts and held my hips in a bruising grip, and he lost control. “Yes.”
“Damn,” she breathed. “Both? That’s the best.”
I took the last bite of my burger to avoid saying anything else.
“Have you thought about telling him how you feel?”
“God, no. I just realized it myself. I need to make sure it’s not some rash feeling based on him being the first guy I slept with.”
“If it makes you feel better, he seems different with you. I don’t know him very well, but the way he looks at you reminds me of the way Erik looks at me.”
“Ugh.” I dropped my head to my hands. “What would you do?”
“Well, with all of my knowledge from my one relationship ever…”
“I know. It’s like the blind leading the blind here.”
“We could always ask Carina,” she suggested.
“I already know what she would say.”
“Go for it,” we both said together.
Once we stopped laughing, Alex sobered. “I don’t know, Hanna. Maybe just let it ride and see where it goes. The bottom line is you have to consider each outcome. You could tell him, and he could feel the same. Or you could tell him and…”
“And he pulls way back, and I lose my friend.”
“Like I said, consider each option and find the best one. Sometimes the best one is the one that still hurts but maybe hurts the least. Sometimes, there’s no good answer.”
That’s what scared me the most. At the end of this, I’d end up just as damaged as when I started.
23
Daniel
I opened the door, and for a moment, froze just to take Hanna in. Somehow, even dressed down, she managed to steal my breath. Like she was in risqué lingerie, instead of jeans, a black tank, and an oversized cardigan.
“Hey,” she said, bringing me out of my stupor.
“Hey. You came.”
“Of course, I did,” she said, laughing, stepping past me into my apartment. “Besides, why wouldn’t I?”
I closed the door and led her to the kitchen, pondering how I wanted to answer her question. I could think of a million reasons that she should stay far away from me, but the one most prevalent was that she didn’t need me anymore.
“I figured we covered all the bases, so to speak.”
Another laugh. This was with a shy smile and a blush.
Somewhere over our time in the Caribbean, boundaries blurred. Justifying my actions by saying I wanted to help her couldn’t mask the way I craved her. I couldn’t lie and say I did it all for her. I wanted to be around her for me. I liked her. A lot. And breaking down those boundaries left me in a limbo I didn’t know how to navigate.
Did she
want to continue how we were those last few days on the beach, like a couple who had a right to touch and kiss? Or did she want to go back to friends, who only touched at Voyeur?
I guessed tonight would test the last one. I invited her to my apartment because I wanted privacy and time.
“You’re still my friend. Whether the benefits end or not.”
She perched on the edge of a bar stool as I grabbed a bottle of wine, but I stopped at her words. She said them as a statement, but I heard the question behind them—the same uncertainty that swirled inside me slipped out with one sentence.
I set the wine on the counter and waited for her to meet my eyes. “Like I said, I’m all yours.”
Her hand slid over mine to grab the glass and stayed there. The moment stretched as we danced around the real question of what we were doing, or better yet, how much longer we could do it before something imploded.
I wasn’t ready yet. I couldn’t have the actual conversation our eyes were sharing right now. I cleared my throat and softly extracted my hand.
“It’s no hardship. You’re a beautiful woman.”
“You’re not too bad yourself.”
“I do the best I can for my age,” I joked with a wink.
“Yeah, I mean, how old are you? Sixty? Seventy?” She tried to hide her smile behind her glass, but her eyes glimmered with humor.
“You’re a riot.”
“Numbers are my jam. What can I say?”
“Speaking of numbers, how was heading back to work today?”
What I really wanted to ask was, how was it seeing what’s his face? Did you flirt? Did you finally accept his date? Is this ending soon because you’re good to go now that you know you can have sex?
“It was fine. I had lunch with Alex and avoided the third degree from Erik by hiding in my office and catching up on work.”
“He worries about you.”
I worried about her. We’d managed to move past our argument in the Caribbean and enjoyed each other the rest of the trip, but I couldn’t shake her denial of the past still bothering her. Every time she snapped about it and then said she was fine, my fears grew. How much longer could she go before she exploded?
“That he does. And I love him for it. But I’m also in the latter half of my twenties. At some point, I have to be able to live my life without explaining everything like I’m twelve. Hell, my mom and dad don’t even pester me so much.”
“I can’t imagine. David and I were wild, but as long as we didn’t set anything on fire or get arrested, our parents didn’t really care.”
“And were you able to do that?”
“I never got arrested. We may have set a few things on fire.”
“You hellion,” she joked. “So, what do you have planned for tonight?”
Walking around the bar, I studied her, tried to pick up on any nerves she may have. The closer I got, the harder the pulse against her neck got. Her lips parted when I slid my hand against her neck, moving up into her hair. Her eyes dilated, almost swallowing every centimeter of green when I fisted my hand and jerked her head back.
She gasped but quickly looked down, hiding her reaction like she always did when a bite of pain turned her on. Her body and mind were at war, and my goal tonight was to make sure they were in sync.
“Is that okay?” I asked softly.
She still didn’t look up but nodded as much as my grip would allow. I scanned down her body, analyzing every inch for signs of distress. Her palms spread on her thighs and gripped tight. She squirmed on the seat, and I swear to god, if I dipped my head, I was sure to smell her desire. My eyes snagged on her full breasts, her perfect fucking nipples poking hard against the thin material of her shirt. Wanting her to be aware of her reaction, I flicked the hard tip with my finger, and her eyes shot to mine, dark and wanting.
“It’s okay to like it, Hanna. It’s okay to take control of your pleasure and what you like. If a bite of pain turns you on—makes you wet—” I breathed against the skin of her neck, nipping at the tender flesh. “Then that’s okay. Your past has no control over that.”
When I pulled back, I jerked her hair again, and this time, her eyes stayed glued to mine. This time her tongue peeked out to slick across her lips, almost begging me to taste them.
“What do you want?” she asked breathlessly.
I relaxed my fist in her hair and moved my thumb to brush along her cheek. “I want to test your limits. I want you to accept that they may be further than you think. Can I do that, Hanna?”
Another wipe across her lips, and I couldn’t resist. I leaned down and bit the lush bottom one, loving the moan tumbling out.
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Good girl,” I praised, stepping back. I gripped her hand and tugged her off the stool, pulling her behind me into my bedroom.
She held on tightly and scanned the simple setup. I rarely brought women to my home, and I kept it simple. A dark bedspread over a king-size bed with a headboard with slats. I liked to be able to loop things through if need be. Not that I would tonight.
The scars hidden under Hanna’s thick bracelets spoke volumes that being cuffed to anything was a hard limit.
“Strip,” I ordered.
She jerked wide eyes to mine. “What?”
“The tease tonight isn’t about the slow reveal. It’s about everything after. So, strip.”
To help get things started, I lost my shirt but kept my jeans on. If I lost too many layers between us, I’d probably give up and fuck her as fast and hard as I could.
Pulling her shoulders back like the warrior she was, she shrugged out of her sweater, letting it pool at her feet. At the same time, she kicked off her shoes before moving on to her jeans. Watching her breasts sway under her top while she worked her jeans over her hips had my cock aching to break free.
She stood in a purple scrap of lace and her flowy black shirt. This woman owned some of the sexiest lingerie I’d ever seen. I loved it.
“All of it.”
One more deep breath and she whipped the shirt over her head and flicked down her panties. God, I’d never tire of her naked body. The way she stood there, shoving down any insecurity she may have felt, only made her sexier.
I walked over until I stood right in front of her and skimmed my hands over her breasts, barely stopping to pinch the tips before sliding my hands in hers and leading her to the bed.
“Lie down.”
“When will you get naked? I want to see you.”
“Hanna, if I get naked now, it will all be over. I’m keeping these pants on for the both of us.”
She scooted back on the bed with a sly smile, enjoying the effect she had on me. Just to make sure there was no doubt, I gripped the hard length stretching against my thigh.
“Hold on to the headboard,” I said softly, losing any hard edge I may have had before. She needed to know she could say no, no matter what.
“Y-you wo-won’t shackle m-me?”
Resting my hand on her calf, I squeezed. “No, Hanna. You are in complete control. I just want you to focus on what I’m doing to your body and not on touching me.”
“But I want to touch you.”
“You will. Later.”
With a nod, she slowly moved her hands to grip the frame.
Kneeling at the edge, I bent low and kissed and bit my way up her legs, avoiding her pussy and reaching her breasts. I held each full globe in my hand and bit, sucked, and licked every inch. When her nipples were rosy and plump, I grabbed the box from my nightstand and showed her the clamps decorated with emerald jewels that perfectly matched her eyes before pulling them out. I didn’t ask for permission, but I wanted her to know what would happen. After she gave no denial, I pulled them out and slowly eased the clamp over one tip before doing the same to the other.
She pressed her head back against the pillow, widened her legs to wrap around me, and thrust up for any friction at all. When they were firmly in place, I gently rubbed my thumbs across e
ach tip.
“Beautiful,” I whispered. “How does it feel?”
“It hurts,” she whimpered. “But it—it feels like they’re attached to my clit. Both are throbbing, Daniel.”
“I know, baby. Let me make it feel good.”
“Please.”
Kissing my way back down to her core, I pushed her legs open and made sure my eyes were available to her at any point she may need them. I wanted to be able to anchor her in the moment should any memory try to break into our time.
I slid my tongue through her slit, and her head fell back, her mouth opening over a loud moan. I teased and bit at her folds, stopping to attack her clit just to stop and tease again. Her juices flooded from her core, leaking between her ass cheeks, and I followed the trail with my finger, first playing in her cunt and then dropping lower to circle her tight hole.
She immediately squeezed tight but didn’t say no. I even waited, and when she still didn’t stop me, I pressed inside. Watching her reaction, I kept my eyes glued on her, my mouth glued to her pussy and my finger to her ass. She cringed and writhed and shook her head no, but never looked down, never said no.
“It’s okay to like this. It’s yours to feel what you want. And if that feeling is pleasure, then feel it, let it wash over you.” She thrust her hips up, and I pressed a hard bite to her thigh, whispering my own confession against her soft skin. “I like my ass played with, too. Is that wrong?”
“No. No,” she cried.
“Do you want more?”
“Yes.”
“Tell me. Own what you want and tell me.”
“I want to come. Please.”
“How?”
“I want your mouth on me and—and your finger…inside me.”
I smiled, knowing what a huge accomplishment those words were for Hanna. As a reward, I latched on to her clit and shoved my finger harder into her ass, loving her screams of pleasure. Before she could finish spasming, I moved up her body and removed one clamp at a time, sucking the tender tips, pulling another orgasm from her.
The entire time, she never let go of the headboard, and I was ready to bury myself inside this strong, wild woman begging to be set free.
Quickly wiping my hands clean with sanitizer, I tossed everything to the side and moved back to her.