“Vernon, go home.” Jos glared at him. “And Florence, just ignore him.” Vernon pretended to look wounded.
“I intend to, don’t worry,” Florence replied.
Evelyn smiled at her. It was interesting to see this little group through her eyes for a moment. To Florence, the outsider, Evelyn was part of the group of friends—she already knew Vernon’s sense of humour, she was in a relationship with Jos. Suddenly, she did not feel so new and awkward. She was already part of something.
Once Vernon, Dorothy, and Florence had left the flat, Jos returned up the stairs. Evelyn was still standing, waiting for her to return. Jos came straight to her and took her hands. For a long moment, they simply gazed at each other.
“It’s been wonderful spending the day with you, Evie,” Jos said softly, as if unsure how her words would be received.
“It’s been one of the best days of my life,” Evelyn said, without exaggeration. Jos looked moved. Simultaneously, they stepped closer into an embrace that became a long kiss. Evelyn had wanted to kiss Jos like this all day and now she did not want to stop.
The kiss broke but still they stood close together, foreheads touching. The gramophone was still playing the last record Jos had put on. A moderately paced jazz piece, led by a clarinet, filled the room. Evelyn had not heard it before, but she liked it. Jos appeared to notice the music in the same instant, suddenly moving to take Evelyn in a dance hold and beginning to sway with her. Evelyn laughed, enjoying the feeling of Jos’s hips moving against her body, their hands twined, Jos’s grip on her waist. Jos smiled widely, twirling Evelyn around, then pulling her closer. There could have been nothing better in that moment than dancing with Jos, laughing with Jos, being one with Jos.
As the strains of the music faded, they were still again. Jos’s hand cradled Evelyn’s cheek. This time her kiss had more intent and Evelyn’s body caught fire in response.
The evening was filled with more kisses. It was filled with Evelyn exploring Jos’s body, Jos’s reactions to her touch, her own sensual power. And it was filled with Jos showing her just what her own body could do, how she could feel. Jos could be a tease, keeping her balancing on the edge for a long time before sending her into heights of ecstasy she’d never dreamed of. Inspired to confidence by Jos’s response to her, Evelyn discovered the pleasure she could induce with her own fingers and mouth, by allowing Jos’s gaze to fall upon her, by her own experience of their mutual arousal. Jos’s body was beautiful and complex and she was hungry for every inch of it.
As midnight approached, they had moved from the settee and the floor of Jos’s sitting room and into her bed. Sensual caresses had become an intimate embrace, passionate kisses become more affectionate and playful. Now Jos’s hands explored her body again, and again Evelyn’s senses woke to her touch, craved her contact.
Jos put her mouth close to Evelyn’s ear, her breath an additional caress. “Evie, I want to be inside you, to feel your heat all around me. I want you to know how it feels…”
Evelyn understood immediately and found her body aching for what Jos described. In response she took Jos’s hand and pushed it between her thighs. “I trust you,” she breathed. Jos’s fingers teased for a moment, then slid inside Evelyn’s body. Evelyn felt the slight stretch of the unfamiliar sensation and then the flood of pleasure that followed as Jos filled her. Jos’s thumb toyed with her where she needed the pressure, as their mouths were once more joined in a deep kiss. Evelyn lost herself in the sensations, of the feeling of belonging to Jos and of Jos belonging to her, in the mutual pleasure and ultimate intimacy they shared. She moved her hips against the pressure Jos gave her and moaned her arousal into Jos’s mouth, and Jos took her over the edge into that little death once more.
As she fell through the layers of pleasure, she heard Jos’s words. “Oh, Evie, I love you.” She could not express it in the moment, but she knew without thought that she felt the same and her heart was full of joy.
Eventually, in the early hours, Evelyn lay in Jos’s arms. Jos was asleep now, Evelyn listening to her regular breathing, feeling the rise and fall of her chest. She was sleepy herself, exhausted and satisfied, but before she fell into slumber herself she had time to reflect that she was at home for Christmas after all. This was her home now, wherever Jos was.
*
When Evelyn awoke, Jos was already out of bed, doing something in the kitchen. Evelyn could hear her moving but could not work out what she was doing. After a few minutes, Jos’s head appeared around the bedroom door. She smiled when she saw that Evelyn was awake.
“Good morning, beautiful,” Jos said.
Evelyn smiled. “Good morning. What are you doing?”
“I thought I would make some breakfast. I hope you like scrambled eggs.”
“I do. And thank you.”
“You’re welcome. My reward shall be a kiss,” Jos replied. She came to Evelyn and bent to place a tender kiss on her lips. Evelyn reached for the back of her neck and held the kiss for longer.
“You should be careful, or it’ll be you I’m having for breakfast and the eggs will burn,” Jos said, as she pulled away gently.
“That wouldn’t be so bad,” Evelyn said.
“No, it wouldn’t,” Jos replied. She retreated in the direction of the kitchen, while Evelyn luxuriated in the warm bed. She was comfortable here, with Jos. It was a shame she had to return to the Graingers’ today, even more of a shame that she had to keep this happiness a secret.
As they ate breakfast together on the settee, Evelyn in Jos’s dark satin robe and Jos wearing just her trousers and an undershirt, Evelyn pondered this further. Although a huge part of the previous day’s joy came solely from being with Jos, she could not deny that some of it also came from being around friends who knew how they felt about each other, of it not being a secret. However much of a thrill came from keeping something so exciting as a secret between them, she was much happier when people knew. Besides, being able to share her feelings for Jos with others was something she relished the chance to do. She wanted everyone to realise how wonderful Jos was.
“Jos?” she said eventually, as she finished her eggs and put the plate aside.
“Yes?” Jos replied. She had finished her own breakfast and was now nursing a cup of tea.
“I was just thinking. Do you really think it would be so bad if I told Lilian about us?” Evelyn saw a degree of tension creep into Jos’s posture.
“Why do you want to?” Jos asked.
“I don’t know really. It’s just that, well, it’s so wonderful to share it with people, like we did yesterday. And I don’t like keeping it a secret.”
Jos wished Evelyn had not spoken. The morning had been so perfect, after the perfect day before, and now Evelyn’s words risked ruining it. It wasn’t Evelyn’s fault of course. She was right. But Jos was scared. Not of Lilian, but of herself. She did not really care what Lilian and James Grainger thought. But yesterday had been almost too perfect.
She cursed herself for feeling it, but she could not help it. Sharing her relationship with Evelyn with her brother and her closest friends had felt like the natural thing to do. She’d been pleased with how happy they seemed, how glad for her. But now that they knew, she felt a real pressure. What if something went wrong between them? It was by no means guaranteed, however strong their feelings, that things would work out. She knew from experience that good things usually went wrong for her. By telling people, she’d made a commitment. And she knew that Evelyn saw it that way too.
Telling close friends was, of course, one thing. But as soon as Lilian Grainger knew, everyone would know. She feared what the snide comments would do to Evelyn, knew she would have to be the one to protect her. She feared the warnings people like Lilian would feel compelled to give. What if Evelyn believed them, or if Jos could not protect her? In her mind she saw their relationship collapsing like a house of cards. She saw herself in the ashes of the relationship, clinging to her love for Evelyn, but ultimately betray
ed by the world. Evelyn would not mean to do it, but it seemed so likely, this love seemed so precarious.
Her fear made her words more harsh than she had intended. “You can’t tell Lilian. You need to understand that Dorothy and Clara and the others are not the same as Lilian.”
She saw the confusion in Evelyn’s face and hated herself for it. But then, Evelyn did need to understand. “I don’t mean to sound angry, I’m sorry. But there are things you don’t understand, Evie.” She’d tried to sound kinder but now she realised that she was at risk of being patronising. So she stopped speaking and waited for a response.
Evelyn appeared to be trying to choose her words carefully. “It’s not that I don’t understand,” she began, slightly defensive. “It’s that I don’t see why it matters if I tell Lilian.”
“You live with Lilian,” Jos returned, thinking that was the most obvious answer.
“I don’t have to,” Evelyn replied.
Evelyn’s reply alarmed Jos. If Evelyn was considering moving out of Lilian’s house, there was surely only one place she could be considering as another option. However strongly she felt for Evelyn, she was not ready for that level of commitment yet. She needed her own space. This was everything she had tried not to fear. Of course Evelyn would expect commitment. Relationships between men and women followed that pattern. They would meet, court, marry. Evelyn was looking for the equivalent of marriage, trying to fit their relationship into the world she was familiar with. Jos began to feel panic growing inside her, however much she was furious with herself for it. She struggled for something to say and, finding nothing helpful, stayed silent. Bitterly, she saw concern growing in Evelyn’s eyes.
“I don’t have to live with Lilian.” Evelyn had clearly been waiting for a positive answer from Jos and, not getting one, was now trying to explain herself. “I have a small amount of money, I can pay rent. I wanted to ask you about finding a job in London anyway, so I don’t have to live with Lilian. I want to spend time with you, I don’t want us to be a secret.”
The fear broke in Jos. Was this what happened when she told a woman she loved her? The very next morning that woman wanted to live with her, depend on her? It was why she tried so hard not to love. She was not fit to be depended upon. She would ruin it somehow. “Look, Evie, I can’t marry you. I’m not a man. We can’t do that. I can’t fit in with what you expected to happen in your life. If that’s what you want, I’m the wrong person for you to find it with.”
Evelyn looked taken aback and Jos regretted the force with which she’d spoken the words. “I’m sorry, Evie. I’m just going to end up causing you pain. I should have seen it before now.”
Evelyn looked lost and confused. She looked hurt and Jos saw tears rising in her eyes. More than anything she wanted to reach out and hold her, tell her everything would be all right and reassure her of her love. But she could not because she did not believe everything would be all right. She never had. She was destroying the best relationship she’d ever had before it had even started. How could she claim everything would be all right or reassure Evelyn of that?
“Last night you said you loved me,” Evelyn said plaintively.
“I know,” Jos said, forcing herself not to repeat that damaging sentiment.
“And I love you,” Evelyn said, her tone more desperate now.
“I don’t think you’re sure of that,” Jos said, regretting it immediately but not taking it back.
“But I am,” Evelyn protested. Her tears were flowing now. Jos hated herself and wanted to wipe them away.
“Well, I’m not,” Jos said. “It’s not good for you to be with me, Evie, and you won’t understand why. I think you should just go back to Lilian’s and forget about me.”
“I can’t just forget about you.” Evelyn sounded horrified. “I mean it, I love you, Jos. I want to be with you all the time.”
“You must have heard my reputation, Evie. I don’t have long relationships with women, I always ruin it. What makes you think you’re any different?”
Evelyn stared at her in silence. She knew she’d struck the fatal blow. Slowly, Evelyn got to her feet and went into the bedroom. A short time later, she emerged fully dressed. She turned wide eyes on Jos, clearly hoping for something. Jos forced herself to look away.
“I don’t understand,” Evelyn said, her voice full of sadness.
Jos’s heart broke. “No. That’s the problem.”
Without another word, Evelyn left the room. Jos listened to her descending the stairs, heard the door open and close. Evelyn was gone and Jos had done nothing to stop her because it was far better for Evelyn that she did not.
Alone, her own tears came because she knew alone was what she would always be.
Chapter Nineteen
Evelyn was blind with grief as she made her way back to the Graingers’ house. It was the only place she could think of to go, the only place where she could lock herself in a room and sob. The only place where she could dwell on her own stupidity and work out what she was supposed to do next. Her first, panicked thought was that all she could do was return to West Coombe, that London held nothing for her now.
She managed to restrain the obvious manifestation of her emotions long enough to make it to the sanctuary of her bedroom. Once there, she collapsed onto the bed and cried until the pillow was soaked with her tears and her throat ached. Still, she did not understand.
So few hours had passed since Jos had said she loved her, it was such a short time since she had known she loved her in return, since they had shared such happy intimacy. She could not believe anything that had led to that had changed. Yet, suddenly, Jos was angry with her, she was cold and apparently uncaring. Was this what Suzanne had warned her about? She’d been told to stay away from Jos. Perhaps those warnings were now coming true. Had Jos been leading her along, using her? The thought hurt more than anything she could imagine.
As the tears stopped and she lay still, exhausted, she remembered how she’d also been told Jos had demons, that women usually wanted to save her from herself, but that she was actually worth a chance, worth a risk. Surely Clara, who had told her that, knew Jos better than she did.
There was Vernon too, who had told her about Jos being terrified of losing everything good. Since their parents’ death, Jos had blamed herself whenever things went wrong, was terrified of ruining her own happiness. Had Jos had seen her chance to be happy and done her best to ruin it before something went wrong? To prove herself right, even if it made her unhappy? Through her aching head, Evelyn tried to remain calm and consider this. Perhaps she had reacted in the wrong way. Maybe Jos needed to be reassured, to be helped to understand that she would not frighten Evelyn away.
She thought too about Jos’s words about marriage. She did not expect Jos to be able to marry her. Although she did not see the exact route their relationship would take, she was happy to enjoy it, see how it unfolded. Jos seemed to be afraid that Evelyn wanted a level of commitment she did not. But, remembering Vernon’s words again, she pondered this. Perhaps it was not that Jos did not want to commit to her; perhaps it was that she was frightened of what would happen if she did.
Slowly, as she lay on the bed, her tears drying, hope began to return. More than anything, she knew she could not walk away from Jos. It was time to prove that she was not just a naive girl from the countryside, but that she could handle this situation like the grown woman she was. She would fight for Jos because what she had experienced yesterday, and through the night, was the most complete happiness she had ever known. She had not come this far to let Jos’s fears destroy that. She would talk to Jos that very day, make sure the situation was addressed before it got any worse. She would reassure her. Evelyn decided to give it a few hours. To return right now would only risk walking back into the same conversation. Let Jos regain her courage and her calm. And she’d allow herself to gather her strength and bring her emotions back under control, and she would win Jos back. Tonight, she thought, allowing herself a
small smile, she would be in Jos’s arms again.
*
Despite her hopeful and determined resolution, it was still difficult to kill the time before she returned to Jos. She pottered around the house, forced herself to eat some bread and jam for her lunch, but still the time passed slowly. She decided to make herself wait until the clock had passed four o’clock. The time was arbitrary, but it seemed the right amount of time for both herself and Jos to recover and be ready to talk honestly with each other. She had to trust that Jos would be prepared to do so. She rehearsed what she wanted to say, imagining Jos’s response. The conversation always ended in reconciliation. She could not allow herself to imagine anything else.
At about half past three, Evelyn was in the sitting room, considering that it was now time to find her coat and walk slowly to Jos’s flat, hoping to find her at home, when she heard the front door of the house open. She went into the hallway just as Lilian and James entered, laden with bags and suitcases.
“Oh, hello, welcome home,” she said, trying to sound enthusiastic. “Did you have a nice time?”
“Evelyn! Delighted you’re home. It was a very pleasant visit home, thank you.” This was James, who smiled broadly upon seeing her.
“Well, it was more pleasant for James than me, but I got plenty of presents, so that’s something,” Lilian added. She flashed a brief and insincere smile. Evelyn felt the same familiar tension that had characterised recent days with Lilian. In her emotional state, it bothered her more than it usually did, but there was really nothing she could do.
“How was your Christmas, Evelyn?” James asked.
“Oh, well, just quiet, you know. I didn’t really do anything.” She did not like to lie, but she could hardly tell the truth at this stage.
“Probably best, darling,” Lilian said, without much care. She began to ascend the stairs, carrying a hatbox and small suitcase with her. “I’m off to take a bath, if no one objects.”
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