by Sabina Green
But what about all the others? Grannies and grandads, their children and grandchildren? Innocent, helpless, coughing and suffocating, in pain…
I had to stop thinking about it, or I wouldn’t be able to walk out of here without help. Lately I’d been a bundle of nerves, about to collapse any moment. It wouldn’t get any better. My visions of the future weren’t exactly rosy…
I had no idea how I made it through the rest of the day without those thoughts driving me crazy. But I went home, pretended to be in a good mood and cooked dinner while Ruby gave Grampa instructions playing doctors and patients. Her choice of topic seemed quite ironic, since I was about to play doctor myself.
I considered who to inject first. I didn’t know how they were going to react, if the needle was going to wake them up or not. What if my daughter started crying? I didn’t want Dad wandering around in case Ruby wakes up, so I chose him first.
I entered his bedroom with a prepared excuse in case he was still up, but I didn’t need it. He was breathing slowly and looked so tranquil and peaceful that I couldn’t resist just watching him for a while.
After a few minutes he stirred–a bad dream?–and turned around, one of his legs peeking from under the duvet. He wore long pyjama bottoms, but that didn’t matter. I could inject him through clothes too.
I took a deep breath and knelt by the bed. Before panic could get the better of me, I took off the safety cover, placed the injection to his leg and pushed the piston. I managed to remove my hand before he tried to swat it away.
I flinched away quickly and laid down on the floor. What if he opened his eyes and saw me? I quickly shuffled under the bed, just in case. Lucky for me there was enough space!
I was clutching the used injection in my hand, shaking. I must have laid there at least twenty minutes before I gathered up the courage to go to Ruby. I looked back at Dad from the door. His leg was back under the covers and he was snoring away.
I should have felt relieved that he didn’t wake up, but instead I was getting an overwhelming sense of having put things in motion myself, absolutely and irrevocably, by injecting him with the vaccine. The end of the world would really happen now!
In Ruby’s room I struggled to even see her body through the tears. She was lying on the bed with her limbs in the shape of a star. Normally I’d find it funny, but now?
I took her thigh without hesitation and injected her with the vaccine. She whined like a kicked puppy and I ran out of her room because I couldn’t bear the sound. Plus there was no way I’d fit under her bed.
I did it, I thought to myself sadly, and after a while I texted Mark the same words.
I got an answer within two minutes: Good. Try to get some sleep now.
For the first time in a long while I wished I didn’t have to lay there alone. To be in the strong arms of someone who’d make me feel safe and protected from the dangers of this world. Last time I felt like this was in the arms of Ruby’s father, but that was long gone. I wonder what became of him? How quickly would the plague get him? Even though Phil left me, I didn’t want him to die.
Try to get some sleep now.
Sleep sleep sleep…
Frank
I couldn’t wait for us to get to New Zealand. Not only because I’d always wanted to explore the country, but also because Connie needed a holiday. She never mentioned having trouble with sleeping, but the dark circles under her eyes were impossible to miss. When we were out of the house, she kept looking over her shoulder and holding onto Ruby as if she was worried someone was going to snatch her out of her arms and take her away. Whenever she wasn’t displaying these nervous tics, she was lost in thought, frowning and standing as if frozen to the ground.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being stalked or threatened. What else could be causing her strange behaviour? Someone could be seeking revenge after she sent them to jail, or for some other crazy nonsensical reason. I hoped that she’d reported it at work and got sufficient level of protection, or at least got the sergeant to put the stalker under some sort of surveillance. And why hadn’t she mentioned any of it? Usually she didn’t hesitate to speak about work, however shocking it might be, with only a few exceptions. Was this one of them then?
My reveries were interrupted by a car parking in our driveway. Connie was back from work. She came inside and put on a serious expression, cleared her throat and I knew that whatever she was about to say, I wasn’t going to like it. However bad she was feeling, she’s always tried to put on a smile when talking to me or Ruby. But not this time, the corners of her mouth stayed turned down.
“I have some bad news…”
“Out with it,” I encouraged her. Will she finally tell me what’s going on with her?
“It looks like I won’t be able to fly to New Zealand with you.”
I paused. I was expecting all kinds of things, but not this. “Why not?”
“I was talking to the sergeant. There’s a huge protest in Perth the day after we leave, he’s putting all personnel on it.”
“But you don’t have to walk the beat, do you…?”
“Well, no, but they’ll need me at the station,” she sighed. “The sergeant said that we all have to turn up, no exceptions.”
I frowned. “What does that mean for our trip? Do you want to cancel it?”
“No!” she blurted out. “The children’s festival in Auckland is happening the day of the protest, it would be such a shame for Ruby to miss it. I was thinking that you could fly without me and I’d join you later?”
“I don’t like the sound of that… Can’t we all just go later?”
“But Ruby was so excited about the festival when we told her about it,” Connie replied and put on a pleading expression. “She couldn’t wait to see all those unicorns and mermaids. Really Dad, I don’t want her to miss out on it. I insist, you two go ahead and I’ll fly over to join you. I’ll only be a few days late, honestly!”
“Alright then,” I agreed slowly. There didn’t seem to be anything wrong with it, but this new plan still felt odd.
We had an hour before it was time to pick Ruby up from kindy. Connie used that time to spread all the notes and leaflets about New Zealand on the dining room table again, then pulled a piece of paper with our airline’s contact details from a folder. I heard the music from the phone as she was waiting to speak to a rep. There were no issues with rebooking her ticket, although they charged her more than what seemed appropriate. Connie paid the sum without batting an eyelid and hung up.
“Done.” She wrote down the new information. “I’m a bit sad I won’t get to see Ruby at the festival, but I think she’s gonna be so happy there she won’t even miss me.”
I chuckled. My granddaughter tended to forget the rest of the world when she was immersed in an activity, be it something happening around her or in her head. “I wonder who she gets it from.”
“I guess it’s passed down from generation to generation,” she shot back and we both laughed.
“I suppose you’re right,” I admitted.
When was the last time I was so focused on something that I forgot to pay attention to my surroundings? I couldn’t remember, but I knew for sure that the next time it would be in New Zealand. That beautiful nature!
I wish I had kept those travel brochures I used to get in my mailbox when I lived on my own. They covered everything about the country. It was a classic advert, an enticement I’d almost succumbed to. I would have gone on my own if it hadn’t been for that blasted depression battle. The last year and a half I’d been too reliant on the presence and help of my family. I was relieved that we’re going on holiday together–and to New Zealand of all places!–but I knew that I would have to start regaining my independence, live on my own, and give my girls some space.
Connie
I wasn’t planning to use my flight ticket, but it was
necessary to rebook it so that Dad wouldn’t get suspicious. Since he was so quick to accept the change of plan, albeit a bit hesitant, the least I could do was try to calm him down and let him think that two days after his flight we’d all be together again, ready to conquer New Zealand!
Was it really only a month ago that I had met Mark for the first time? It felt longer. So much had happened already. Breathing was growing difficult; I’d started waking up during the night because of chest pains. I was constantly tired and drowsy. A part of that was obviously because of The Collective, but the treacherous cancer was also taking its toll. I suppose the illness would have been on my mind a lot more if I weren’t so terrified of the upcoming plague injection.
I packed with great care so Dad wouldn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. He would certainly find it strange that I was stuffing Ruby’s suitcase with several family albums, clothes for all seasons, a generous amount of medication for children and adults, covering most common illnesses, and my mum’s recipe book. It was one of the few things I had left from her. It was just a dirty old notebook that she used to note down recipes, its corners oily from being turned by hands covered with butter. But it belonged to her, and it was precious to me. I was sure Dad would have liked to have it with him.
Time was sprinting past us like crazy. It was almost unbearable to keep the pretence of our work and home routine, when the only thing I wanted to do was spend all my time with Dad and Ruby. I started having doubts whether not telling Dad about the upcoming world events was the right thing to do. If given the choice, would he have done something differently?
But even if I could go back in time, I would have done the same, I knew that for sure. There was no way I’d make Dad panic, or face the urge to go to the police. His and Ruby’s safety–and mainly survival–was the absolute priority.
I’d written the letter for an unknown stranger according to Mark’s directions, and to let go of some of my doubts and guilt, added another one for Dad. Mark may not have asked me to do that part, but it’s not like I had to do everything according to his instructions!
Time.
There was so little of it!
I was counting down to two big events. Ten days until the plague release, twelve until Dad and Ruby’s flight. After that my world would stop. But I still had days to steal away every possible moment with my family!
Another week before I get the injection, I thought to myself.
Five days.
Two days. I’ve barely taken a breath and a whole day is gone!
One more day!
I wasn’t even really aware of how I’d gotten there, but some spontaneous drive had pushed me into the Association lounge on the big, dismal day. Every single member was as white as a sheet. Some were pacing around the room and shaking, others were standing absolutely still, their eyes fixed on the door, waiting for the moment when Molly, their doctor, came in with the dreaded injections.
Now that the end was at their fingertips, were they yearning for it quite as much as all those years ago, when they’d eagerly agreed to join The Collective? I realised that the Perth branch was here in full count, so apparently they were…
I ignored the excruciating tension in my chest and problematic breathing. Could it be another panic attack?
It took me a moment to realise that Mark was standing by my side, holding on to me again. Not like last time, when he was trying to stop me from collapsing. This time his arm was curled around my shoulders. It’ll be alright, his gesture seemed to say.
But nothing was going to be alright.
Molly came in, holding onto a suitcase so tightly that her knuckles were white. This one was a lot bigger than the one Mark gave me. The doctor placed it on a conference table and as if on some morbid impulse everyone gathered around it to see what was inside. To look at the thing which will bring destruction to their lives and to the whole world.
“I’ll let you choose your injection,” Molly said in a tight voice.
With a great deal of hesitation, everyone reached into the suitcase. I wonder if this is how cattle feel on the way to the slaughterhouse. I’d seen enough documentation of animals in lines by the slaughterhouse, standing in puddles of blood and wailing with fear. There was no way back, only forward. I’d always empathized with them, felt sorry for them, cried over their suffering, but only now did I understand the full weight of it.
I’d chosen my injection and handed it numbly to the doctor when it was my turn. Those she’d already given it to were either standing in a quiet circle nearby, crouching in the corner of the room in tears, or leaving.
I stopped being aware of my surroundings and concentrated on Molly. With a practiced movement she tied a rubber band around my upper arm and then placed the needle to a vein, visible under my skin. My ears were ringing and my stomach was turning over in wild somersaults. Some things were standing out in sharp detail for me, like the small label reading PNPL13 on the vial, the doctor’s nails bitten down to the nub, a drop of perspiration on her temple.
I had just enough time to think: I don’t want to!
And it was over.
The clear liquid disappeared into my body, joining the cancer on its mission to destroy me.
There were fifteen of us in that room. Would that really be enough for the infection to spread sufficiently all across Western Australia? How many people were sitting like this in other Australian cities? Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra? And the rest of the world?
I watched in a haze as Mark received his dosage. He clamped his eyes so tight tears escaped. He swallowed, held his breath, then joined me.
“Connie,” he started, but I didn’t give him a chance to finish.
There was nothing he could say right now that would calm me down. Nothing!
I ran away, like several people before me. I leaned into the glass door and glanced at the koala bear by the man’s side. It was as if the logo was screaming at me: a deadly virus? That’s exactly what people deserve! There is no place for them here!
I just about made it to the bushes where I disposed of my modest breakfast. I got into my car and drove away from the building in that doubtful state. I stopped at an empty car park by a shop with a “To rent!” sign, where I could finally let go of that latch and drown my grief in tears.
Frank
“Jeez, we’ll see each other again in two days, not two years,” I joked when I saw Connie tearing up at the airport. I drove us over because she’d wanted to sit in the back with Ruby. It was a bit unusual, we’d normally sit in the front together, no matter which one of us was driving. But why would I object to her wanting to be close to Ruby, whispering into each other’s ears, giggling and teasing each other?
“I know,” she laughed a little in response to my attempt at calming her down, and carried on squeezing her daughter’s hand. “It’s just a strange feeling, you guys leaving without me.”
She let me handle our luggage while she carried Ruby all the way to the check-in. There was no need since Ruby wasn’t one of those children who insisted on being carried around all the time.
“I love you so much, sweetheart,” Connie whispered to her while showering her with kisses. “You know that, right?”
“I love you so much too, Mummy. More than the elephant and rainbows and the sun!” Ruby replied enthusiastically and hugged her Mum even tighter. That little movement moved Connie’s shirt slightly higher up her body.
I stared at my daughter’s thin stomach, frowning. I was almost certain that just a few months ago she hadn’t been this thin. But with autumn approaching, she’d been wearing more clothes which made it difficult to notice her weight loss.
All that stress at work was taking its toll on her in every way, it was damn hard not saying anything about it. I didn’t want to interfere in her life and tell her what to do, but… it was hurting her! Maybe once she was in New Zealand, she�
��d realise how much working at the station actually exhausts her, and that it would be better to quit and find something calmer. I was determined to aid her in that realisation as much as possible, bring it up in conversation, bombard her with reasons… maybe she’d give in!
We were checked in without any issues and then moved towards passport control. Constance obviously couldn’t follow after that, so we were hanging around there as long as possible.
She hugged us as if her life depended on it. A guy just walking past us rolled his eyes as if to say: Women can be such drama queens!
“I’ll see you on the other side,” she said and tears were streaming down her face.
“Come come now,” I mumbled.
Ruby looked up at her, forehead creased in deep thought. “Why can’t you come with us, Mummy?”
“I’ve already explained Ruby, remember? They need me at the station, because there’s gonna be a big event here… but it’s only for grownups, nothing as exciting as that super cool kid’s festival you’re going to with Grampa in New Zealand. There’ll be magicians and all!”
Ruby’s eyes shone bright. “And mermaids and dwarfs and bouncy castles and ice cream and cotton candy and huge bubble blowers!”
Connie giggled in that girly tone she reserved only for Ruby. She blew her nose, dried her cheeks and said, “That’s right. Make sure you take lots of pictures so you can show me everything later!”
“Come on Grampa, let’s go!” the little one screamed and pulled on my arm. The vision of all the fun she was going to have at the festival must have been very tempting. Maybe there’ll be something for lumberjacks too, I thought to myself and chuckled.
“It’s just two days,” I reminded Connie. Her expression was far too bleak for such a short separation. I leaned towards her and whispered conspiratorially: “We’ll pick you up at the airport. Get ready for some serious verbal diarrhoea, this little monster will have a proper monologue ready for you!”