by Jay Shetty
For years, researchers have shown that gratitude plays a major role in overcoming real trauma. A study published in 2006 found that Vietnam War veterans with high levels of gratitude experienced lower rates of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If you’ve been through a breakup, if you’ve lost a loved one—if anything has hit you hard emotionally—gratitude is the answer.
Gratitude has benefits not just for the mind but for the physical body. The toxic emotions that gratitude blocks contribute to widespread inflammation, which is a precursor to loads of chronic illnesses, including heart disease.
Studies show that grateful people not only feel healthier, they’re also more likely to take part in healthy activities and seek care when they’re ill.
The health benefits of gratitude are so extensive that Dr. P. Murali Doraiswamy, head of the Division of Biologic Psychology at Duke University Medical Center, told ABC News, “If [thankfulness] were a drug, it would be the world’s best-selling product with a health maintenance indication for every major organ system.”
EVERYDAY GRATITUDE
If gratitude is good for you, then more gratitude must be better for you. So let’s talk about how to increase the gratitude in our daily lives. Monks try to be grateful for everything, all the time. As the Sutta Pitaka, part of the Buddhist canon, advises, “Monks. You should train yourselves thus: ‘We will be grateful and thankful and we will not overlook even the least favor done to us.’ ”
One of my most memorable lessons in gratitude came days after I arrived at the ashram.
A senior monk asks us new arrivals to write about an experience that we believe we didn’t deserve. There is silence as we scribble in our notebooks. I pick an episode from my teenage years when one of my best friends betrayed me.
After about fifteen minutes, we share what we’ve written. One novice describes the painful premature death of his sister, others have written about accidents or injuries, some discuss lost loves. When we’re done, our teacher tells us that the experiences we have picked are all valid, but he points out the fact that all of us have selected negative scenarios. Not one of us has written about a wonderful thing that came to us by good fortune or kindness rather than through our own efforts. A wonderful thing that we didn’t deserve.
We’re in the habit of thinking that we don’t deserve misfortune, but that we do deserve whatever blessings have come our way. Now the class takes the time to consider our good fortune: the luck of being born into a family with the resources to care for us; people who have invested more in us than we have invested in ourselves; opportunities that have made a difference in our lives. We so easily miss the chance to recognize what has been given to us, to feel and express gratitude.
This exercise transported me to the first time I felt grateful for the life I had till then taken for granted.
I first visited India with my parents when I was around nine years old. In a taxi on our way back to the hotel, we stopped at a red light. Out the window, I saw the legs of a girl, probably the same age as me. The rest of her was bent over deep into a trash can. It looked like she was trying to find something, most likely food. When she stood up, I realized with shock that she didn’t have hands. I really wanted to help her somehow, but I looked on helplessly as our car pulled away. She noticed my gaze and smiled, so I smiled back—that was all I could do.
Back at the hotel I was feeling pretty low about the girl I’d seen. I wished I’d taken action. I thought back to my community in London. So many of us had Christmas lists and birthday parties and hobbies, while there were kids out there just trying to survive. It was an awakening of sorts.
My family went to the hotel restaurant for lunch, and I overheard another child complaining that there was nothing he liked on the menu. I was appalled. Here we were with our choice of meals, and the girl I had seen had only a trash can for a menu.
I probably couldn’t have articulated it then, but that day I gleaned how much had been given to me. The biggest difference between me and that girl was where and to whom we had been born. My father, in fact, had worked his way out of the slums in Pune, not far from Mumbai. I was the product of immense hard work and sacrifice.
In the ashram, I began my gratitude practice by returning to the awareness I’d started to feel at nine years old, and feeling grateful for what was already mine: my life and health, my ease and safety and the confidence that I would continue to be fed and sheltered and loved. All of it was a gift.
In order to take that appreciation for the gifts of the universe and turn it into a habit, monks begin every day by giving thanks. Literally. When we wake up on our mats, we flip over to our fronts and pay respect to the earth, taking a moment to give thanks for what it gives us, for the light to see, the ground to walk on, the air to breathe.
TRY THIS: EVERYDAY GRATITUDE PRACTICES
Morning gratitude. Let me guess. The first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is check your phone. Maybe it seems like an easy, low-impact way to get your brain moving, but as we’ve discussed, it doesn’t start the day on the right note. Try this—it will only take a minute. (If you’re so tired that you’re in danger of falling back asleep, then make sure you’ve set a snooze alarm.) Take a moment right there in bed, flip over onto your belly, put your hands in prayer, and bow your head. Take this moment to think of whatever is good in your life: the air and light that uplift you, the people who love you, the coffee that awaits you.
Meal gratitude. One in every nine people on earth do not have enough food to eat every day. That’s nearly 800 million people. Choose one meal of the day and commit to taking a moment before you dig in to give thanks for the food. Take inspiration from Native American prayers or make up your own. If you have a family, take turns offering thanks.
Ancient, timeless gratitude practices have arisen all around the world. Among Native Americans, traditions of thanksgiving abound. In one ritual observance, described by Buddhist scholar and environmental activist Joanna Macy, Onondaga children gather for a daily morning assembly to start their school day with an offering of gratitude. A teacher begins, “Let us gather our minds as one and give thanks to our eldest Brother, the Sun, who rises each day to bring light so we can see each other’s faces and warmth for the seeds to grow.” Similarly, the Mohawk people say a prayer, which offers gratitude for People, Earth Mother, the Waters, the Fish, the Plants, the Food Plants, the Medicine Herbs, the Animals, the Trees, the Birds, the Four Winds, Grandfather Thunder, Eldest Brother the Sun, Grandmother Moon, the Stars, the Enlightened Teachers, and the Creator. Imagine what the world might be like if we all started our day giving thanks for the most basic and essential gifts of life all around us.
THE PRACTICE OF GRATITUDE
Making gratitude part of your daily routine is the easy part, but here’s my ask, and it’s not small: I want you to be grateful in all times and circumstances. Even if your life isn’t perfect, build your gratitude like a muscle. If you train it now, it will only strengthen over time.
TRY THIS: GRATITUDE MEDITATIONS
To access gratitude anytime, at will, I recommend the following meditations.
OM NAMO BHAGAVATE VASUDEVAYA
In the ashram we chanted this mantra, discussed on page 273, before reading spiritual texts as a reminder to feel grateful for those who helped those scriptures exist. We can use this chant in a similar way to feel grateful for the teachers and sages who have brought us insight and guidance.
I AM GRATEFUL FOR…
After sitting, relaxing, and doing breathwork, repeat “I am grateful for… ,” completing the phrase with as many things as you can. This exercise immediately refocuses you. If possible, try to reframe negativities that spring to mind by finding elements of them for which you are grateful. You can also do this in a journal or as a voice note to keep as a reminder if these negative thoughts return.
JOY VISUALIZATION
During meditation, take yourself to a time and place where you experienced joy. Allow that fee
ling of joy to re-enter you. You will carry it with you when you finish the meditation.
Gratitude is how we transform what Zen master Roshi Joan Halifax calls “the mind of poverty.” She explains that this mindset “has nothing to do with material poverty. When we are caught in the mind of poverty, we focus on what we are lacking; we feel we don’t deserve love; and we ignore all that we have been given. The conscious practice of gratitude is the way out of the poverty mentality that erodes our gratitude and with it, our integrity.”
Brian Acton exemplifies this conscious practice of gratitude. He had worked at Yahoo for eleven years when he applied for a job at Twitter, but even though he was quite good at what he did, he was rejected. When he received the news, he tweeted, “Got denied by Twitter HQ. That’s ok. Would have been a long commute.” He next applied for a job at Facebook. Soon after he tweeted, “Facebook turned me down. It was a great opportunity to connect with some fantastic people. Looking forward to life’s next adventure.” He didn’t hesitate to post his failures on social media, and never expressed anything but gratitude for the opportunities. After these setbacks, he ended up working on an app in his personal time. Five years later Facebook bought WhatsApp, the app Brian Acton cofounded, for $19 billion.
The jobs at the companies that rejected Acton would have paid far less than he made off WhatsApp. Instead of fixating on the rejections and adopting a poverty mentality, he just waited gratefully to see what might be in store for him.
Don’t judge the moment. As soon as you label something as bad, your mind starts to believe it. Instead, be grateful for setbacks. Allow the journey of life to progress at its own pace and in its own roundabout way. The universe may have other plans in store for you.
There’s a story about a monk who carried water from a well in two buckets, one of which had holes in it. He did this every day, without repairing the bucket. One day, a passer-by asked him why he continued to carry the leaky bucket. The monk pointed out that the side of the path where he carried the full bucket was barren, but on the other side of the path, where the bucket had leaked, beautiful wildflowers had flourished. “My imperfection has brought beauty to those around me,” he said.
Helen Keller, who became deaf and blind as a toddler after an unidentified illness, wrote, “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
When something doesn’t go your way, say to yourself, “There’s more for me out there.” That’s all. You don’t have to think, I’m so grateful I lost my job! When you say, “This is what I wanted. This was the only answer,” all the energy goes to “this.” When you say, “This didn’t work out, but there’s more out there,” the energy shifts to a future full of possibility.
The more open you are to possible outcomes, the more you can make gratitude a go-to response. Brother David Steindl-Rast says, “People usually think that gratitude is saying thank you, as if this were the most important aspect of it. The most important aspect of the practice of grateful living is trust in life.… To live that way is what I call ‘grateful living’ because then you receive every moment as a gift.… This is when you stop long enough to ask yourself, ‘What’s the opportunity in this moment?’ You look for it and then take advantage of that opportunity. It’s as simple as that.”
TRY THIS: GRATITUDE IN HINDSIGHT
Think of one thing that you weren’t grateful for when it first happened. Your education? Someone who taught you? A friendship? Is there a project that stressed you out? A responsibility for a family member that you resented? Or choose a negative outcome that is no longer painful: a breakup, a layoff, unwanted news.
Now take a moment to consider in what way this experience is worthy of your gratitude. Did it benefit you in an unexpected way? Did the project help you develop new skills or earn a colleague’s respect? Was your relationship with the family member forever improved by your generosity?
Think of something unpleasant that is going on right now, or that you anticipate. Experiment with anticipating gratitude for an unlikely recipient.
If your boss gives you feedback that you don’t agree with, pause before reacting. Take a moment to think, What can I learn from this moment? Then look for gratitude: Maybe you can be grateful that your boss is trying to help you improve—or grateful that your boss has given you another reason to leave this job. If you run to catch a bus and you succeed, you would ordinarily feel momentary relief, then go back to your day. Instead, stop. Take a moment to remember what it felt like when you thought you were going to miss it. Use this memory to appreciate your good fortune. And if you miss the bus, you will have a moment to reflect, so use it to put the situation in perspective. Another bus is coming. You weren’t hit by a car. It could have been a lot worse. After celebrating the wins and mourning the losses, we deliberately look at either situation with perspective, accept it gratefully and humbly, and move forward.
EXPRESSING GRATITUDE
Now that we’ve broadened the gratitude we feel internally, let’s turn that gratitude outward and express it to others.
A lot of the time, we feel deeply grateful, but we have no idea how to pass it on. There are many ways and depths of giving thanks and giving back.
The most basic way to show gratitude is to say thank you. But who wants to be basic? Make your thanks as specific as possible. Think about the thank-you notes you might receive after hosting a gathering. At least one will likely say, “Thanks for last night. It was awesome!” Another might say, “Thanks for last night—the food was wonderful, and I loved the funny, sweet toast you made to your friend.” It’s far better to express your gratitude in specific terms. The minute we are given even incrementally more detailed gratitude, the better we feel.
This is the key: Your friend felt joy at being part of the gathering that you put together, and the effort they took to compose that thank-you note brought joy back to you. For each of you, gratitude comes from realizing that someone else is invested in you. It’s a feedback loop of love.
KINDNESS AND GRATITUDE ARE SYMBIOTIC
The feedback loop of love jibes with the Buddha teaching that kindness and gratitude must be developed together, working in harmony.
Kindness is as easy—and as hard—as this: genuinely wanting something good for someone else, thinking about what would benefit them, and putting effort into giving them that benefit.
If you have ever made a sacrifice for someone else’s benefit, you can easily recognize the effort and energy someone else gives to you. That is to say, your own acts of kindness teach you what it takes to be kind, so your own kindness enables you to feel truly grateful. Kindness teaches gratitude. This is what is happening in the microcosm of the thoughtful thank-you note: The kindness of your dinner party inspired your friend’s gratitude. That gratitude inspired her kindness to you.
Kindness—and the gratitude that follows—has a ripple effect. Pema Chödrön advises, “Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world.” In our daily encounters, we want other people to be kind, compassionate, and giving toward us—who wouldn’t?—but the best way to attract these qualities into our lives is to develop them ourselves. Studies have long shown that attitudes, behavior, and even health are contagious within our social networks, but what hadn’t been clear was whether this is true simply because we tend to be friends with people who are like us. So two researchers from Harvard and the University of California, San Diego, set out to find out whether kindness is contagious among people who don’t know each other. They set up a game where they arranged strangers into groups of four and gave each person twenty credits. Each player was instructed to decide, in private, how many credits to keep for themselves and how many to contribute to a common pot that at the end of the round would be divided evenly among the players. At the end of each round, the players were shuffled, so they never knew from game to game who was generous, but they knew how generous others had been
to the group. As the game went on, players who had been the recipients of generosity from teammates tended to give more of their own credits in future rounds. Kindness begets kindness.
When you are part of a kindness-gratitude exchange, you will inevitably find yourself on the receiving end of gratitude. When we receive thanks, we must be mindful of our egos. It’s easy to get lost in the fantasy of our own greatness. When monks are praised, we detach, remembering that whatever we were able to give was never ours to begin with. To receive gratitude with humility, start by thanking the person for noticing. Appreciate their attention and their intention. Look for a good quality in the other person and return the compliment.
Then take the gratitude you are given as an opportunity to be grateful to your teachers.
THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS
Monks put our gratitude practice into action through all the small interactions of the day. I hopped into an Uber once, in a hurry and distracted. The car idled for an unusually long time, and when I finally noticed and asked the driver if everything was okay, he said, “Yes, I’m just waiting for you to say hi back to me.” It was a wake-up call, and you can bet I’m more careful about acknowledging people now.
Being short and direct may be more efficient and professional, but spending our days on autopilot blocks us from sharing the emotions that bind us together and sustain us. A study encouraging some people on the Chicago commuter trains to start conversations with strangers on any subject, for any amount of time, found that those who got up the courage to chat reported a more positive commuting experience. Most of these commuters had anticipated the opposite outcome, and on further investigation, researchers found it wasn’t that people thought strangers would be unpleasant, but they feared the awkwardness of starting a conversation and worried they might be rebuffed. That wasn’t the case, and most of the strangers were happy to engage. When we make the effort to connect with those around us, we create opportunities for gratitude instead of languishing in anonymity.