Fuck Pat. “I have to find Isaac.”
As he climbed the steps to Isaac’s floor, he looked at his texts. Isaac asking him to dinner… then asking where he was… then an I’m really worried now lol, but there wasn’t really anything funny about this. Tim pressed the voicemail button and listened.
“Hey, Tim, I just… I need to talk to you right now. Please give me a call when you get this.”
His tone reminded Tim of the night Isaac confessed that he wanted a drink more than usual. This was really bad. And Tim was not about to let Isaac throw away his hard work and sobriety on Pat’s account.
Tim pounded on Isaac’s door but was greeted with silence. There was no light under the door. No movement inside. He wasn’t here.
Tim called Isaac. It went straight to voicemail, so Tim said, “I’m trying to find you. Where are you?” and hung up.
Where was there alcohol? Well, everywhere, probably.
Tim checked every lounge in the building. He thought to check Luke’s room but didn’t know which one that was, and in a building with a few hundred rooms, he’d lose more time knocking on every one than it was worth.
He took the elevator down to the lobby and figured he’d head back to America House and see if Isaac was there. He’d check all the other international houses if he had to. He’d go to every bar in Madrid if that was what it took to keep Isaac from falling off the wagon.
The elevator doors opened and Luke was there in the lobby, standing beside Katie. Tim called his name.
“Oh, Tim, thank God.”
“What’s going on? Where’s Isaac?”
Luke glanced at Katie. “Well, I’m not sure exactly, but he was in a bad way. I’ve been trying to call him, but he’s not answering his phone. He’s…. You’re not back together with Pat, are you?”
“No. And I’m going to murder Pat for making so many people think that.”
Luke nodded. “I’m glad of that. I don’t think Isaac really believes you are either, but he’s beating himself up a lot for getting worked up about it. We need to find him before he does something he’ll regret later.”
“Then let’s go find him. He might have gone to America House. He’s not in any of the public areas in this building.”
Luke nodded. “That was my thought too.”
Tim, Luke, and Katie walked quickly out of the building and toward America House. Luke tried calling Isaac again, with no luck.
But when they all got to America House, there was Isaac, sitting alone at the bar, a full pint of beer in front of him. He was clearly lost in his own thoughts and didn’t move as Tim and Luke approached slowly.
Tim’s instinct was to run over there and take that beer away from him. But he thought more delicacy was called for. To Luke, he whispered, “What should we do?”
“I think you should talk to him. Try to be understanding. He spends all his days fighting his demons, and usually he wins, but I think today, they might be winning.”
“He did that interview with Marcus Holt today. They were supposed to talk about his alcoholism. Maybe it dredged something up.”
“Yeah. I don’t think this is really about you and Pat. But I think you should be the one to talk to him.”
“Okay.” Tim took a deep breath and walked forward slowly, not wanting to spook Isaac.
Was this the future he was signing on for? Would he have to rescue Isaac from himself more? Likely yes; alcoholism didn’t get magically cured and go away. Maybe it would get easier with time, but Isaac hadn’t even been sober for two years. Probably there would be hard times like this ahead. Was Tim prepared for that?
No. But he’d take Isaac with all his flaws in a heartbeat anyway.
He sat on the stool next to Isaac and said, “Hi.”
Isaac swallowed. He stared at his glass. “Hi.”
“I’m sorry for not answering my phone. I had a really terrible afternoon and wasn’t looking at it.”
“You shouldn’t have to be at my beck and call.”
“No, but I could have texted you back. I’m… I’m not back together with Pat, in case you were thinking that.”
“I wasn’t… well. I knew that was true on some level, but part of me kept thinking about it anyway.”
Tim took a deep breath. “He, ah, followed me around all afternoon. I told him off about eight times. I think he may even have heard me that last time. I never want to see him again, Isaac. He orchestrated the whole day so that we’d been seen together.”
“I saw you on that fucking gossip show. When I was at the broadcast center. It was on TV.”
“I know. All Pat’s doing. If I had known at the time that was what he was up to, I would never have spoken to him at all.” Tim leaned forward and cautiously put a hand on Isaac’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
Isaac shook his head. “It’s not you. It’s not your fault. I didn’t really think you were stupid enough to get back together with him. But sometimes I…. It’s my fucked-up brain, it gets the better of me. I’m usually better at coping with it, but today all of my emotions are turned up to eleven, and I just… I freaked the fuck out is what I did.” Isaac sighed. He pressed a hand to his forehead. “And I felt like such an idiot. I trust you. I do, I promise. I just got all up in my own head. And all I kept thinking was that I knew a surefire way to make it stop.” He lowered his hand and gestured toward his glass.
“Did you drink any of that?”
“No. I haven’t. Truthfully. I ordered it about ten minutes ago and I’ve just been watching the bubbles.”
Isaac’s sadness radiated off him, and Tim felt it in his gut. He wanted to cure it, to take it away, but he knew that wasn’t possible. “It’s not too late, then.”
Isaac reached for the glass but pulled his hand back again. “How could you possibly want to be with someone as fucked-up as I am? One setback and here I am, ready to drown my sorrows.”
Tim found some comfort in the fact that Isaac didn’t really believe him capable of getting back together with Pat, but the larger problem of Isaac’s thoughts getting the better of him, and that full pint of beer, felt like a pretty steep mountain to climb. Tim considered the situation and tried to figure out how best to find a path up and over the mountain. He glanced back at Luke, who stood a few feet away with his arm around Katie. Luke gave him a thumbs-up.
Tim was out of his depth. It felt like cliff diving. At least in a pool, he knew what to expect when he dove. Diving outdoors, into a natural body of water, had any number of hazards, from shallow water to rocks. One didn’t truly know what to expect until one went for it.
Tim put his hand on Isaac’s arm, and Isaac turned toward him slightly.
“I don’t have a magic wand that will take your pain away. If I did, I would wave it in a heartbeat, because I hate seeing you like this.” Isaac winced, so Tim said, “Not because I’m ashamed of you or I think any less of you, but because I know you’re struggling a lot right now and I want to make it better. But I don’t know how, except to say that I’m here for you now. And that you, Isaac, might be the best man I know.”
Isaac shook his head. “I’m really not. I don’t… I don’t know how to handle all these compliments, because I know you all mean well.” He glanced at Luke. “But they don’t feel like me. I mean, I know I’ve done some incredible things since I’ve been in Madrid, and I worked really hard to get here, but at the end, I’m still Isaac, an alcoholic who can’t even hold it together enough to get through one stupid stumbling block with a guy I really like.”
Tim rubbed Isaac’s arm. “You’re stronger than you think. And I’m glad you really like me, because I really like you too. And I feel terrible for ignoring your texts. I could have at least responded to let you know I’d get back to you later.”
“No, I shouldn’t…. I mean, we’re not together, are we? You’re not, like, my boyfriend. We met two weeks ago.”
Tim balked, trying not to be offended by that, but it felt a bit like a punch in the chest, becaus
e he’d thought they were. “Aren’t we together? We’ve spent all of our free time together for two weeks. We care about each other. I got the impression we were going to try to make something happen when we got home. Was I wrong?”
Isaac looked miserable. His face melted as he stared at his glass. “I want to, but this… this is me.”
“I don’t believe that. This is part of you, yes, but the real you is the man I’ve spent the last week with. A strong man who can beat this, who can get past it. And you, Isaac, you see me in a way no one else does, and I think I see you. Today I told a man I once thought I loved to go fuck himself because he’s more selfish than I ever realized. But partly, it was for you too, because I want to be with you, Isaac.”
Isaac pursed his lips for a long moment, glancing at Tim, but mostly looking at his glass. “I want to be with you too. But I can’t be so dependent on you. I can’t rely on any one person to keep me sober. I have to do the work on that myself.”
“But you can accept help, right? I want to help you. I want to be with you, Isaac, warts and all. I know you’re not perfect. I know you battle demons. But I know you have it in you to fight those demons too. You have it in you to do amazing things. A weaker man would have let the demons win, but you won’t. I know you won’t. I have faith in you.”
Isaac looked at Tim, tears in his eyes. He blinked a few times and they were gone, but Tim had seen them. He’d gotten through somehow.
“You have faith in me,” Isaac said softly.
“I do. And if you need to talk about things tonight, I’m here for you. Or if you just want to go back to your room and go to sleep, we can do that too. Or if you want to be left alone, I’ll leave you alone. Whatever you need, I’ll do it.”
Isaac nodded. He put a hand on Tim’s shoulder and leaned forward until their foreheads touched. “Thank you.”
“So what do you want to do?” Tim asked softly.
“Get out of here,” Isaac said.
Tim smiled. “That we can do.” He gently leaned away from Isaac and stood up. Then he offered Isaac his hand.
Isaac took it and slid off his tool. He gave one last, longing glance at the pint of beer; then he nodded to himself and turned toward Tim. Tim opened his arms for a hug, and Isaac stepped into them and let himself be hugged.
Luke and Katie walked over. “You okay, Flood?” Luke asked.
“Yeah. I’m sorry for freaking out on you before. This day, this whole month, it all kind of hit me and I didn’t handle it well.”
“You still on the wagon?”
“Barely. I ordered the beer but didn’t drink it.”
“That’s what matters. How long you been sober?”
“Eighteen months, two weeks.”
“You got this,” Luke said.
Isaac nodded, a faint smile on his face. Katie reached over and patted his shoulder. Tim took Isaac’s hand, and then they all walked back to the dorm together.
Chapter 25
Day 15
Transcript: Men’s Ten-Meter Platform Final
BELL: We had some exciting preliminary rounds.
HOLLAND: Goes to show, nothing is a given at the Olympics.
BELL: Australian diver Andrew McKinnon dove exceptionally well in the preliminary round, but then this happened in the semifinal. This dive looked so great in the air, but it was a total miss when he hit the water. He never recovered after that.
HOLLAND: Yes, he finished just out of the top twelve who made the final.
BELL: The Chinese divers also both looked off their game. Liu is usually such a beautiful diver, and he does things in the air that nobody else can do, but so many of his entries were just short of vertical.
HOLLAND: He qualified for the final in eighth place.
BELL: But he did make the final. The good news is that all of the previous round scores are thrown out, so if he dives well in this final, he’s got a good shot at a medal. The trick for Liu will be to shake any residual nerves from the previous rounds. We see this all the time. It’s these athletes’ first Olympics, and nerves make them tighten up.
HOLLAND: What do you think about our returning Olympic champion, Timothy Swan?
BELL: Well, I’ll tell ya, Swan looked fantastic all through the preliminary rounds. All of his dives looked good in the air, and he entered the water very well. Let’s take a look at this third-round dive from the semifinal. See, he gets out from the platform fast so he can pull into his tuck. Then, as he rotates, he sights the water here, and here again, and here again, and then he kicks out. He always knows where he is in the air and how far he is from the pool, so he can straighten out and enter the water perfectly vertical. His entry is smooth with hardly any splash.
HOLLAND: You think he looks good to repeat his gold-medal win?
BELL: If he keeps diving like this? Almost certainly. He’s an entirely different diver from what we saw in the springboard finals. He seemed a little uncertain there. But here, he’s diving very well. He’s in top form. Again, all of the previous round scores go away, so everyone is diving with a clean slate. Swan has looked great, but Liu has several world champion medals, so he’s a contender. I wouldn’t count out Schmidt from Germany either. Or the Italians, who were the bronze medalists in the synchro competition. Both divers have been diving very well in individual competition. And Timmy Swan’s synchro partner, Jason Evans, made the finals as well….
TIM MIRACULOUSLY held on to first place going into the third round of diving. He’d given his all to the prelims, following Donnie’s advice to be mindful of his form, thinking through everything but not tightening up. He’d trained hard all week, he’d gotten a good night’s sleep the night before, he’d eaten well and felt focused and ready to defend his title.
One thing that had made him feel better was the fact that Pat had flown back to the States. He’d called Tim the day before prelims to say he was giving up and going home. Tim had pushed him right out of his mind.
Donnie always said that when Tim was on his game, anything was possible. And Tim was on his game today.
He took a deep breath before ascending the platform for his third dive. When he got to the top, he looked out at the audience and toward Isaac, who sat with Luke and Katie in the stands again. Isaac was too far away for Tim to see more than his fuzzy face, but he imagined they made eye contact. Tim didn’t know why, but seeing Isaac there reassured him and reminded Tim that he needed to put his all into this, that he needed to focus and dive and execute it the way he knew he could.
Isaac kept fighting. Tim could too.
This was an arm stand dive. Not Tim’s favorite, but a way to show off how athletic and strong he was. He put his hands down and slowly lifted his legs into position, which showed the judges he had control over his movements.
He pushed off the platform, the same way he had a thousand times in practice, and immediately pulled into his tuck. He did four and a half somersaults before straightening out and hitting the water. He knew intellectually that he traveled toward the water at close to thirty miles per hour—Donnie had gotten his hands on a radar gun once to test this—and rather than being a nice cushion, the water felt a lot like pushing through a brick wall. He already had bruises from practice and competition. But he slid into the water, no sting on his legs to indicate he’d missed going in vertically, and Donnie was jumping up and down when he surfaced, so he must have done well.
He had this. That gold medal was his. Tim still had three more dives and three chances to fuck this up, but he could practically reach out and touch that medal.
An hour later Tim pushed himself out of one of the hot tubs and toweled off. Donnie was standing in the coaches’ area, trying to get his attention. Tim walked over.
“I assume you know your scores?”
Tim nodded. After five dives, he had accumulated 465.5 points. He was also two points out of first place, behind Liu, who had apparently shaken off whatever had caused him to flounder in the semifinal. Tim’s sixth and final dive cou
ld easily earn him 125 points, but so could Liu’s.
“I don’t want to give you some bullshit about how this is yours to lose, but it’s you or Liu for the gold medal. The guy in third… ah, Schmidt, I guess? He’s thirty points behind you. Unless you really blow this last dive, that’s too much of a deficit to take either you or Liu out of medal contention.”
Tim nodded. He’d made the same calculation. A handful of points meant gold or silver, and his heart raced as he thought about it. He wanted this, God he wanted this, and it was within his power to get it.
Donnie said, “I am going to tell you that I know you can do this last dive well enough to earn tens. You’ve looked fantastic through the whole competition. So, basically, you’ve got a medal. Don’t tense up and blow it.”
Tim laughed despite himself. Donnie had never quite mastered the art of giving a pep talk. Donnie laughed with him, likely recognizing that laughter helped. Anything to keep from tensing up.
Jason sat in eighth place, well out of medal contention, not that he probably even knew that. He had his waterproof headphones on and bobbed his head while he danced in and out of one of the showers. His eyes were shut.
Tim had to wait a while to do his last dive, since he’d qualified near the top of the rankings. He tried to stay warm, but mostly he fidgeted through ten other dives, hopping under showers, dunking himself in the hot tub, toweling off and then getting wet again.
It was the most nerve-racking part of diving: knowing that even if he did everything to the best of his abilities, he could still lose if someone else was better.
His last dive was also the trickiest, at least in terms of the difficulty score. It was a reverse four-and-a-half somersault dive, which had a high difficulty level but which Tim found easier than dives in which he had to transition between somersaults and twists. That had been his fourth-round dive, his lowest-scoring dive, the one that had allowed Liu to pull ahead. But Tim’s worst—which, as he’d seen on the video Donnie had taken on his phone, was a hair short of vertical but otherwise a pretty solid dive—was a lot better than many divers’ best, so Tim felt okay with it.
Here Comes the Flood Page 26