by Lisa Jackson
She’d seen Tanner exactly once since the memorial service for Carmen. He’d been making plans of his own this summer. He was working for his dad, saving up his own money for college in the fall. He was also dealing with some disappointments because the football team hadn’t offered him a position. He could walk on, if he wanted, though his father was against it. Dr. Les Stahd thought football was a waste of time and only went along with Tanner’s obsession as long as it didn’t get in the way of his own ambitions. Les felt that his son needed all his extra time for his studies, not football. If Tanner got accepted to the team, go with God and play football, but if he didn’t, if Les was footing the entire bill for his son’s schooling, then there was no “walking on.” That was the rule.
The one night Tanner had deigned to stop by, Delta had put on her best jeans and a light blue silk blouse and a pair of black flats without bandages on her right foot. She’d felt the injured tissue, and little stabs of pain reminded her every time she took a step. But she wanted to look her best, as Tanner, who had managed to text her some when he wasn’t working, had definitely become more of a stranger ever since taking up with Amanda and after the disaster of the barbecue.
Still, he’d made a point of wanting to stop by, so she’d gone straight into the frantic zone to make sure she looked as good as possible. If he was going to leave her for Amanda, she wanted to make sure he knew what he was going to be missing. With that grim thought in mind, she’d washed her hair and let it dry straight. She’d combed it down wet, then worked on smoky eyes; upon seeing she’d overdone the eye shadow, she’d wiped off all her makeup and started over, then, satisfied with the results, had added soft pink lipstick and a shiny gloss. She’d done her nails herself with a clear nail polish.
She’d stood back and examined herself critically. Tried on a smile, which fell instantly. She couldn’t fake happiness, and she was anything but happy. The Five Firsts were over. School was over. Carmen was gone. And if things didn’t improve, she and Tanner were over as well.
Her heart had weighed a ton. No matter how much she pretended to be looking forward to moving into an apartment with Zora—if her parents agreed to help, that is—the truth was that Delta didn’t want to contemplate a future without Tanner.
She’d heard his car’s familiar engine approaching and her pulse had sped up. It was a Thursday evening. Not Friday. Not their night. Those days were over. He’d told her he needed to work through the weekend, and she’d told him she had to do the same . . . though her schedule was pretty loose, and she would have moved heaven and earth to be with him, were he available.
Hurrying through the house to the front door, she’d purposely avoided her mother, in the kitchen. Her father had still been at the store. Pushing open the screen door, she’d stepped out into a cool June evening. The longest day of the year, she realized as Tanner, looking heartbreakingly handsome, had headed up the front sidewalk and met her in front of the porch. He’d stopped about ten steps from her, just looking at her. His sober expression made her hold her breath. Suddenly, she hadn’t wanted to know why he’d come to see her. There was something wrong. Something big.
“Delta, I . . .” He swallowed.
“Do you want to come in? Have a lemonade? There’s bound to be some chips around. Jalapeño. Your favorite. You know we always have something from the store.”
She’d been babbling on purpose. Don’t talk. Don’t talk. Don’t say anything I don’t want to hear.
“You look great. Really beautiful.”
The admission had melted her. Stopped her from another rush of words. But he’d looked so . . . sad? Apprehensive? “You look good too.”
“I’ve missed you.”
“Tanner . . . oh, my God! I’ve missed you! It’s been terrible this last month or so. The worst time ever!”
She’d hurried down the steps, and he’d come to her, pulling her to him and holding her like he never wanted to let her go. Her heart soared. It really did. She’d heard that phrase but had never really experienced it before. Tears dampened her lashes. She’d wanted to kiss him, love him, make love to him like she’d promised herself she would but hadn’t had the chance.
But instead of any of those things, he’d gently pulled himself away, his hands moving to her shoulders, where he’d kept her literally at arm’s length.
“I’ve really messed things up,” he said.
“You can’t blame yourself for Carmen.”
“It’s not about that. Not about going under the rope. That was stupid, but . . .”
“What?”
“Something else happened.”
She’d drawn a careful breath. “At the barbecue?”
He’d flinched as if she’d hit him. “All I’ve ever wanted was to play football, for a while at least. College football. Maybe make it to the pros, but that’s kind of a pipe dream, I know.”
“I thought you wanted to be a doctor.”
“Well, yeah. I do. That’s always been there. My dad wants it for me, and he screwed up, and we all know how that came out, and yeah, I want to be that for him.”
“You don’t sound convinced.” She wasn’t sure where he was going with this.
“It’s not about that. I fucked up, okay. I fucked up. Would you believe me if I told you I love you?” Before she could respond, he added fervently, “I love you, Delta. I love you.”
“Oh, Tanner. I love you too!”
“And I want to be with you. Marry you. There’s no one like you.”
This was more than she’d hoped for! “I want that too . . .” Tears stood in his eyes, and her overflowing joy was tempered by a very real, building fear.
Something else happened.
He’d stopped talking. He pulled his hands away from her and took a step backward, dashing the tears from his eyes.
“Amanda’s pregnant,” he said, when he finally spoke again. “I shoulda used a condom, but I didn’t. It was at the barbeque. One fucking time, so to speak.” He grimaced. “I wanted to be the one to tell you. Hit me, if you want. Punch me in the gut. This has been the shittiest time of my life, and it looks like it’s going to get shittier. I love you. Not her. Guess it took too long to figure that out, huh?”
He’d looked at her hopefully, wanting her to absolve him. Begging for understanding.
Amanda’s pregnant.
She’d tried to think of something to say, but words eluded her. For an answer she simply turned around, walked back up the steps into the house, and closed the door behind her.
Now she checked behind her at the clock that hung on the wall. Nearly 5:00 p.m. It was three days after the Fourth of July, a holiday she’d spent with her parents at a party on the Willamette River, miles and miles from the West Knoll River, where her high school friends normally gathered. But that was before Carmen’s death. Before Tanner left her. Before Amanda was pregnant.
* * *
Mom and Dad came out of the back of the store and smiled at her in that shit-eating way that denoted they had some big secret. “We have a nest egg for you,” Mom said. “It’s not huge, but it should help you with the rent if you want to get that apartment with Zora.”
Delta was overcome. She’d given up thinking about her future. Without Tanner, there wasn’t one. She hadn’t told her parents about Amanda’s pregnancy, but they’d certainly noticed how sad and miserable she’d been.
“Thank you,” she choked.
“We wish we could send you to Oregon,” her father said. “Just don’t have quite enough right now, and we don’t want you to take on too much student debt.”
“That’s okay. Thank you. I mean it. It’s more than enough. Thank you!”
She reached for them both, and they had a happy, awkward group hug.
After they pulled apart, her dad said, “I don’t know what happened between you and Tanner, but you know how I feel.”
Delta immediately wanted to argue with him about Tanner’s merits. Both of her parents had been lukewarm on their rela
tionship. They didn’t understand what he meant to her.
When she kept her thoughts to herself, he went on, “High school romances often belong in high school.”
“I know, Dad.” She was curt.
“We want you to be happy and successful,” Mom said, which her dad echoed.
Delta smiled, and luckily the bell above the door jingled, and a family came in with their four children, taking up both of her parents’ attention. Delta was off at 5:00, so she said good-bye to them both and then drove home in her mom’s car, as Mom was sticking around the store tonight till closing.
When she let herself into the house, she looked around at the home she’d lived in since she was born. She’d always wanted more, and still did, but her parents had done everything for her. They wanted her to succeed, and though she’d dismissed their belief in their own success, she had a new appreciation now. They’d lived a happy life together and had secretly saved money for her. They’d done everything they wanted to. They were satisfied, whereas most of her friends’ families were ripping apart or facing terrible tragedy. She’d been selfish and self-interested.
But I’d leave with Tanner in a heartbeat.
An hour later, after she’d made herself a can of chicken noodle soup and a nearly out-of-date Caesar salad in a bag, she heard the familiar roar of an engine outside her front door.
Tanner?
She raced to the window. Yes! It was his Trailblazer!
She threw open the door, so glad to see him she was shaking. It was dumb. She was foolish. She knew it and didn’t care.
When he came half-jogging up the walk, she stood in the doorway like she’d been frozen. “What are you doing here?” she managed.
“She miscarried. Amanda’s not pregnant anymore!” He laughed. “I’m not going to make that mistake again. I’m loaded with condoms, and please God . . . don’t let them break.”
“Oh . . . great.” She was thrilled, wasn’t she? Amanda had no claim on him anymore, and he’d come to her door.
“Wanna use one?” he asked suggestively.
“You’re sure that . . . she miscarried?”
“That’s what she told me. Delta, I never was interested in her. You know that. It’s you and me all the way.”
But you slept with her.
Tanner added, “I told you before, I love you. I want to marry you.”
He expects you to feel the same. Do you? Of course, you do. “There’s a lot of school ahead of us.”
“A lot of school,” he agreed, pulling her onto the porch and taking her into his arms. “But you love me. And I love you. What else matters?”
“I guess nothing.”
“But . . . ?”
“Why Amanda? I mean . . . why?” When you knew it would hurt me?
He shrugged, said, “Why anything?”
“That’s not an answer.”
He suddenly grinned. “Okay, the devil made me do it.”
“Tanner,” she said achingly.
“Now stop,” he said. “We’re together, right?”
She loved the smell of him, the feel of him. “Yes,” she said, “we’re together,” and then, “I can’t believe you’re back.”
“Oh, you can’t get rid of me now,” he said on a chuckle, and then he was kissing her and she was kissing him, and they were laughing and falling back into the house, closing the door firmly behind them.
PART TWO
The Stabbing
Chapter 8
Three Days Ago . . .
Delta drove west from Portland toward the Stahd Clinic, her jaw set, her hair pulled into a ponytail at her nape, her makeup flawless. Her skin was lightly tanned, kissed by the sun, and her white dress with black piping and her black pumps were new. She’d just come from a soirée at the Bengal Room in downtown Portland, a tea that had turned into cocktails and hors d’oeuvres, so she’d called her mother and asked her to stay a little longer and look after Owen, who always begged to stay up later but fell asleep by 6:30, no matter how hard he tried. The curse of an active six-year-old boy.
She smiled at the thought. And then her mind turned back to the meeting. It had ostensibly been a meet and greet for parents of incoming kindergartners to the Englewood Academy, one of the most prestigious elementary schools in the tri-county area. Owen had been accepted, and Delta was bursting with pride. If there was one drawback, it was that all the students came from mega-wealthy families, and she’d heard there was a definite clique of brilliant, rich students, and it might be hard for someone of merely upper-middle-class means to be accepted by these little darlings.
“I’m not sure this is the right plan,” she’d said over and over again, even while a part of her had wanted so badly for Owen to be chosen. In truth, her son couldn’t care less. He was happy anywhere, and fairly oblivious to social stigma at this age.
But . . . what the hell. He’d been accepted, and so she’d attended the tea. If she had to back out, she would back out. But it was a fun ride while it was going on. The other parents had been welcoming. She hadn’t had the most expensive dress, handbag, and shoes, but she’d made a good showing. Her personality had risen to the fore in all its effervescence; she’d made certain of it. She’d charmed the others, and then that handsome single dad had gently taken her by the crook of her arm and led her to a quiet corner where they couldn’t be overheard and had flirted outrageously. Delta had laughed off his more scandalous suggestions and told him lightly, “You, I see, are very bad news.”
“Bad news? Moi?” He’d feigned hurt.
“I’m going to leave now.”
“Not before giving me a good-bye kiss.”
“Not gonna happen.”
“Oh, c’mon. Stay. Let’s have another drink. On me, of course.”
“The Me Too movement hasn’t penetrated with you, has it?”
Her smile took out the sting. He didn’t seem to care, in any case. “I was married for ten years, and nine of them were happy. The last year was hell. I lasted as long as I could, even when she was seeing any guy with a bigger wallet. She married one of those guys. I learned to get over her by meeting beautiful women.”
“And are you over her?”
“A beautiful woman like yourself could certainly help me over the hump,” he said suggestively.
She’d laughed. It was so blatant, and truth be told, she kind of enjoyed his outrageousness. It had been a while since she’d been so admired. “One drink. And I buy my own,” she told him.
“You don’t have—”
“I buy my own,” she said again, and he lifted his hands in acquiescence.
“You’re the book writer, I hear,” he said.
“How’d you hear that?”
He’d nodded his head toward a group of women who were still collected at the table where Delta had been sitting. One of them had asked Delta what she did for a living, or if she worked, and Delta had told her that she used to bookkeep for her husband’s business, but now she was a full-time mother who dabbled as a fiction writer. She wondered if he’d picked up that she was married.
He didn’t get his kiss. He didn’t really even try. But they had a lively conversation about their six-year-olds. He had a girl named Elise. And in the end, they shook hands and parted as friends.
The encounter had kept a smile on Delta’s face all the way from Portland to West Knoll, but as she approached her small hometown’s city limits, the smile became a frozen grimace, then fell from her face entirely when his call came through. Snapping her cell phone into its car holder, she swiped her finger across the glass and held her face close. After facial recognition gave her access, she answered with, “Hi, there.”
“I need you stop by the clinic,” Tanner said shortly.
“Why?”
“Just stop by.”
“I’m busy. I just got back from—”
“For fuck’s sake, Delta. Come to the clinic. I have something to tell you, and I’m not going to do it over the phone.”
T
here’s nothing you can tell me that I want to know. “Fine. But only for a few minutes. My mom’s still at the house, and she needs to get back for my dad, so I won’t—”
Click.
He hung up on her. Her husband. Her cheating, cheating husband. Tanner Stahd, the teenage god.
Well, you knew what he was when you married him, right?
They had a lot of things to work out. More, since their fateful ten-year reunion. But she’d stood by him through all these fifteen years since high school graduation, even though there had been plenty of rough patches. Ha. Rough patches? They’d been through rough landscapes, planets . . . universes.
But . . . he’d given her Owen. Her child. The love of her life. She smiled, but then her thoughts returned to Tanner, and her features set. Their last fight had been a real doozy. Screaming and yelling, and Delta had even swept their wedding photo to the hardwood bedroom floor, where it had smashed down and shattered when she’d found further proof of his dallying, this time with one of his receptionists. Hell, maybe it was with both of them. Maybe at the same time. That’s what she’d coolly thrown at him, and he’d been so infuriated, he’d kicked the wedding picture into the wall, where a corner of the metal frame had punched into the sheetrock. The noise had woken Owen. Delta had rushed to soothe him back to sleep and then had stalked back to the bedroom she still shared with Tanner.
“It’s the last time,” she’d told him through gritted teeth.
“I’m not having an affair with Amy or Tia,” he shot back in cold fury. “And I’m certainly not having a threesome. They work for me, and they’re professional, just like Candy.”