Memento Monstrum

by Jochen Til

  »Not in a minute. Now,« I demand.

  There’s a quiet ping.

  »Done,« says Rhesus, and the light from his cell phone goes off. »Good day, Grandpa.«

  I wait till I hear all three of them breathing evenly, then I too close my eyes and fall asleep.

  DING-DONG!

  Huh? What on earth was that? Blinking, I open my eyes. And strangely, I can’t see a thing. Yes, it’s dark, but we vampires can normally see pretty well in the dark. And there’s something tickling my nose. And I’m not in my coffin either. Oh yes, that’s right, I remember. I’m lying in the book house. And it’s Beenie half covering my face. Her feet are tickling my nose. I move her carefully so that she’s no longer lying on top of me.

  DING-DONG!

  There’s that noise again. Is it another alarm that Selena set for us?

  DING-DONG!

  No, it’s not an alarm clock, it’s the doorbell. Who could it be? Hardly anybody ever comes to our door by mistake.

  DING-DONG! DING-DONG! DING-DONG!

  Yes, yes, all right, I’m coming!

  I crawl carefully out of the house of books and manage it without waking the children. As I stagger down the hall, I see from the tall grandfather clock that it’s quarter to nine in the evening, so the sun’s just gone down.

  DING-DONG! DING-DONG! DING-DONG!

  »I’m coming!« I yell in the direction of the huge front door.

  When I open it, my heart skips a beat and my chin nearly hits the floor – I just can’t believe it, just can’t grasp who it is standing there.

  »Archie?« I blurt. »Is that really you?«

  »Depends,« Archie answers with a grin. »Do you know any other werewolves who might turn up on your doorstep at the new moon?«

  »It’s so lovely to see you!« I say, and we give each other a huge hug. »I was just telling my grandchildren about you yesternight. But … but what are you doing here?«

  »Oh, I was just passing through,« Archie replies. »So I thought I’d stop by. But I had to bring a couple of people with me. I hope you don’t mind?«

  He waves at a bush to the right of the door and quite a crowd steps out from behind it.

  Okay, now I know what’s going on. I’m not actually awake at all. I’m still lying in the little book house and dreaming. There’s no other explanation for it.

  »SURPRISE!« they all shout at once.

  »What? How?« I stammer, completely overwhelmed. »Bubba? Tallulah? Yeti? But this isn’t possible!«

  I hug them all tight.

  »Don’t I get a greeting then?« I jump as a voice comes out of thin air right beside me.

  »Jack?« I ask excitedly. »You’re here too?«

  »What do you think?« Jack says, and I feel his hand on my shoulder. »I wouldn’t miss this for the world.«

  »Yes, but … but how … Why … What are you all doing here?« I ask, dumbstruck.

  »You’d better ask that young man behind you,« Archie says calmly.

  I turn around. The children are standing in the doorway. Beenie and Vira are rubbing their eyes sleepily, while Rhesus gives me a broad grin.

  »Hey, Grandpa, you can do more than just kill werewolves with this thing,« he says, holding out his phone. »Sorry, Archie. Nothing personal. I won’t play that game anymore either, I promise.«

  »No problem.« Archie winks at Rhesus. »I play it myself sometimes, it’s fun. I even wrote the music for it.«

  »Oh wow, cool!« Rhesus says.

  »Hang on, hang on a moment.« I shake my head in confusion. »You arranged for all my best friends to turn up out of the blue? How did you do that?«

  »Oh, that wasn’t so hard,« answers Rhesus. »Yesterday, when you were telling us the stories, I got curious enough to look them up on the internet. I found Bubba and Archie right away and wrote to them.«

  »You can’t imagine how surprised I was when a message from a Rhesus Dracula suddenly popped up,« says Archie.

  »Oh yes, me too!« Bubba nods.

  »And then Archie got the idea of getting everyone together and bringing them all here,« Rhesus explains. »But I never expected it to all happen so fast.«

  »Neither did I,« Archie admits. »But one of my jets happened to be in Nepal, so Yeti was able to come right away.«

  »Your grandson found me via my ballet blog,« says Yeti. »You should be proud of him, he’s a very smart little vampire.«

  She strokes Rhesus’s hair and he blushes slightly.

  »Sure is,« I say, feeling quite emotional. »This is the greatest surprise that anyone’s given me in all my 589 years. I’m still quite bowled over.«

  »Being bowled over won’t fill anyone up though,« I hear Jack’s voice. »It’s been a long journey, we’re hungry, and I need the bathroom. Any chance you could ask us in now?«

  »What? Oh! Yes, of course!« I say. »Come in! Come in!«

  Still rather dazed with joy, I invite them to come in, one by one. Beenie’s fully awake now and her eyes grow wider and wider as she sees everyone strolling in. But when Tallulah comes over to her, she takes a few fearful steps back. Tallulah stops in front of her.

  »You must be Beenie,« she says. »I’ve heard a lot about you. Including the fact that you’re scared of spiders. But there’s no need to be. Look, I’ve brought you something, perhaps it’ll help you to be less scared.«

  Tallulah pulls something from her bag. It’s a little spider doll with glittery legs.

  »I spun it just for you,« says Tallulah.

  »Oh, it’s so cute!« Beenie squeaks, hugging Tallulah. »You’re so kind! Thank you! I’m almost not scared of spiders already!«

  Once everyone’s in, I shut the door.

  »Oh, I’m so happy to have you all here!« I say. »But, of course, I don’t have anything planned for you. What are we going to do now?«

  »That’s easy-peasy, Grandpa,« says Beenie. »We’re going to have a massive monster party!«

  An hour later, the party’s in full swing. Archie convinces me to dust off my guitar and play old Beatles songs with him. Beenie pirouettes along with Yeti while Jack, who is wearing one of my cloaks, dances with Tallulah. Bubba and Vira are sitting on the sofa, chatting and laughing. Rhesus hasn’t left Archie’s side and is full of admiration for everything he does.

  When I pop down to the cellar to fetch some more drinks, I hear the doorbell again.

  DING-DONG!

  Wondering what surprise could be waiting for me this time, I’m full of anticipation as I hurry to the door and open it. A very unhealthy-looking old man is sitting in front of me in a wobbly wheelchair, holding a wooden stake in a trembling hand.

  »Ha-ha!« he croaks. »At last, the time has come! This is the end of you, accursed vampire!«

  He makes several attempts at standing up out of the chair but keeps sinking back, groaning feebly.

  »Oh, Van Helsing,« I sigh. »Haven’t you had enough of your constant vampire hunting by now? It’s no good, none of it. How often have you tried in vain to kill me? One hundred times? Two hundred times?«

  »One hundred and seventy-eight times, to be precise,« he croaks. »Now, kindly help an old zombie to stand up so that I can finally ram this stake into your heart.«

  »No,« I reply, taking the stake from him. »It’s time to put an end to this, once and for all. You’ve been making yourself look silly long enough. I bet you can’t remember why you even want to kill me.«

  »Well, because … because you … Oh rats! I really have forgotten,« Van Helsing groans.

  »There, you see?« I say. »So now you can forget all about wanting to kill me and come in. We’re in the middle of a monster party right now.«

  I walk around behind the chair and give it a push.

  »A monster party?« he sounds puzzled. »That seems fun. And I can just join in, just like that?«

  »Of course,« I say, wheeling him down the hallway. »After all, you’re a monster yourself.«

  »Yes, I guess I am,« he says
. »Somehow, there’s a little monster inside each of us, isn’t there?«

  »Van Helsing,« I say with a laugh, »that was undoubtedly the wisest thing you’ve ever said.«

  Jochen Till was born in Frankfurt, Germany in 1966. In 1995, he was bitten by a writing vampire of ancient aristocratic lineage. Since then, he has sat in a bower, night-in, night-out, sucking the most adventurous stories from his fingertips.

  Wiebke Rauers was born in Düsseldorf, Germany in 1986. In 2007, she was bitten by an artistic 8th-generation vampire lady. Since then, she’s sat in her studio night-in, night-out, drawing the most fantastical creatures. She especially loves using her favorite color: blood red.