“I wish I’d met her.”
“What about your parents?” I asked even though I didn’t really care. It just felt like the proper thing to do: ask about the people who had created my husband, the love of my life.
“Dad died at work. At least that’s what we think happened. Mom a year later. Pneumonia.” He glanced toward me. “At least that’s what we think she had.”
“I’m sorry.”
He nodded, and then shook his head. “What about your parents?”
It was more proof that Bryan hadn’t really known me before, but I let it go and answered his question because they were old wounds and much easier to talk about. “My dad died way before all of this, when I was ten, and my mom passed away shortly before Cassidy was born. She’d been sick for a while, but she didn’t tell me until the end. I think she wanted to protect me from the pain, not that it worked.”
I thought about that time, the despair of realizing that she was going to leave me when I needed her the most, and how nice it would have been to have her with me during those trying times. It turned out, old wounds still hurt.
“I’m sorry,” Bryan said, and then he let out a bitter laugh. “I’m tired of saying that, you know? Tired of hearing it too. Sometimes it feels like that’s all we say to one another these days.”
He was right. I said it at least ten times a week, more if I met new people. It was built in now, a loaded response that shot out like a cannonball at the least provocation.
“I won’t say it again.” I turned so I was facing him. “And you don’t have to say it to me anymore either. We’re good, okay? We’re different people now. Back then we made decisions based on the life we knew, but we both know that life is gone, which makes those people gone. This is us. Here and now, this is who we are. It’s time to let the blood dry.”
Bryan lifted his eyebrows like he wasn’t sure I was telling the truth, but he nodded anyway. I wasn’t sure if he agreed or he was just that desperate for forgiveness. Maybe it was a little of both.
Bryan didn’t leave like I’d expected him to. Instead he leaned back so he was resting against the wall and let out a deep breath. I was hyper-aware of how close he was to me. Of how warm his body was, of where we were sitting. Five years had passed since I’d felt the intimate touch of another person, but until this moment I hadn’t missed it. I’d only missed Michael. Had only allowed myself to think about how we had laughed and joked and talked late into the night. I hadn’t had time to really think about the kisses and intimate moments we’d shared.
With Bryan sitting next to me though, it was impossible not to remember what it had felt like to have another human being hold me. How it had felt to have bare skin against mine, and how goose bumps used to rise up on my body under Michael’s feather light caresses.
Only the images going through my head didn’t feature Michael.
Was this wrong? Was it awful to have these thoughts about my dead husband’s brother? It had been five years and I knew that no one could fault me for wanting to grab something real, but I couldn’t help thinking that this was some kind of betrayal. That it was sick and twisted.
I watched Bryan out of the corner of my eye as I thought this all through, wondering if he was feeling the same things. The previous looks he’d thrown at me had revealed nothing, but I had a feeling that he was as attracted to me as I was to him.
Watching him, studying the expression on his face and his body language, I convinced myself that it was no big deal. He was a stranger to me. Yes, he was the brother of the man I’d loved and had hoped to spend my life with, but I hadn’t known Bryan back then and I didn’t know him now either. Michael was our only connection, but he was long gone. That life was long gone.
I shifted so I was facing Bryan and he lifted his eyebrows. The look wasn’t quite surprise, though. It was more like he was asking me a question. Only the one that popped out of his mouth wasn’t what I’d expected.
“Do I remind you of him?”
“Yes and no.” I found myself reaching out to touch his face, my fingers barely grazing his temple. “You have the same eyes.” I slid my hand up to his head, over the scar above his left eye. He let out a sigh when I ran my fingers through his hair, and it caused a shiver to shoot through me. “The same color hair.” My fingers slid down, over his cheek to his mouth. I traced his bottom lip with the tip of my finger. “Some of the same facial expressions.”
Bryan swallowed and his Adam’s apple bobbed. “Do you want this?”
I nodded and shrugged at the same time, but my uncertainty didn’t seem to bother him, because he was already moving forward. Already closing the gap between us. His hands cupped my face and for just a second, his eyes searched mine as he waited to see if I would pull away or protest. When I didn’t, he moved closer.
Five years was a long time to go without kissing another person. Electricity shot through me the second our lips touched, making my toes tingle as Bryan’s mouth moved over mine. The kiss was firm and deep from the first moment, his hunger for another person as desperate as mine had become. His facial hair felt like it would rub me raw, but I welcomed the feeling after so many years of embracing numbness. He kept his hands on my face as he parted my lips with his tongue, and I was shocked by how such a simple act could go straight through me. How the feel of his tongue sliding over mine could make my whole body tremble. How it had me scooting closer and twisting my hands in his black shirt, had me feeling desperate to hold on to him.
He released my face and I suddenly found myself on my back with Bryan’s body hovering over mine. I felt trapped by his heat. He was all hard muscle, all man. He made me feel small, but in a good way. Not like I was helpless or weak, but like I fit against him perfectly, and together we finished a puzzle that I’d been struggling with for years.
Bryan settled on me, his body nestled between my legs as we kissed, his hands hugging my curves. He moved and I lifted my hips to meet him, the two of us finding a rhythm that had my head spinning. His lips moved over mine at a frantic pace, my moans getting lost in the shuffle of our mouths trying to devour one another.
When he laced his fingers through mine, my wedding ring pinched my finger and suddenly it felt like Michael was there with us. The two brothers didn’t feel the same or kiss the same or touch me in the same way, but he was there regardless, invading the space like he had come back from the dead just to haunt me.
“Stop,” I said against Bryan’s lips.
He pulled back as I tried to shove him off, my hands flat against his firm chest.
“What’s wrong?” The breathless tone of his voice made me shudder.
What was I doing? What had really changed in the last twenty-four hours to make me move on so quickly? I didn’t know this man, and even though I didn’t judge Daisy for her one night stands, that wasn’t me. It wasn’t who I was or who I wanted to be, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle that emotionally. Yes, having Bryan here with me felt good, but he wasn’t here for real. This was just a pit stop for him and tomorrow he would be gone, leaving me feeling even more miserable than I had before.
“Get off,” I said, pushing him harder.
Bryan rolled off me but didn’t stand. He sat on the edge of the cot, exactly where he’d been when I’d first contemplated kissing him. It was too close though, because my lips were still raw from his kisses and my skin still tingled from his touch, and the ache between my thighs only grew more intense when I looked at him. So I stood and took a few steps away.
“What?” his voice sounded tortured.
“I just can’t.”
“Is it Michael?” There was that cringe again, only this time it gave me no pleasure because Bryan looked like he thought he had betrayed his brother. He hadn’t. He hadn’t done anything wrong.
I twisted the ring on my left hand. “No. It’s—” I wiggled it, but the thing wouldn’t move past my knuckle. “You’re leaving tomorrow. I’m not a one night stand kind of person. ”
&
nbsp; Relief flashed in his eyes. “That’s all?”
“That’s all,” I assured him.
He nodded as he got to his feet, as if trying to reassure me that he understood. I looked away when he adjusted himself, my face flushed like I was a teenager all over again. It had been a really long time since I’d been in this position, fooling around with a guy only to leave him unsatisfied. It made me feel like a jerk, but I wasn’t about to sleep with Bryan just so he didn’t end up with blue balls.
He took one step toward the door before saying, “I’m not either, you know.”
I forced myself to look at him again. “Not what?”
“I don’t do the one night stand thing. A lot of the guys do, but not me. I mean, I tried it, but I felt like an asshole when I left.” He rolled his eyes and a smile crossed his face. “She cried like she was my girlfriend and she was sending me off to war. It made me feel like a fraud on top of everything.”
I let out a little laugh. “Well, I promise not to cry tomorrow when you head out.”
“You going to come say goodbye to me?” He lifted his eyebrows in surprise.
“If you want me to.”
“I’d like that. I haven’t had anyone see me off in a long time.”
“Not since the crier?”
He chuckled and shook his head. “Yeah, she was the last one.”
“Well, I’ll do my best to keep it together for your sake.”
“Thanks.” He laughed again as he turned toward the door. “Goodnight, Diana.”
“Goodnight, Bryan,” I whispered as he slipped out.
When the door clicked shut behind him, I found myself wondering if I would be able to keep my promise. I didn’t know why, but my eyes were suddenly filled with tears.
The platoon was almost packed up and ready to go, and Daisy was in the middle of making a spectacle of herself. I stood off to the side, watching her and Tyler go at it with a little smile on my lips as emotions swirled through me that I couldn’t quite put a name to. The emptiness I’d lived with for the past five years was still there, but it was less prominent than it had been. I knew it wasn’t just about Bryan or the kisses we’d shared, but about me finally trying to put my loved ones to rest.
That’s what I’d realized last night, after he’d left me alone, anyway. That for all these years I’d been clinging to my memories like Michael and Cassidy were still alive, or like if I could just hold on hard enough they would somehow come back to me. There had been no funeral, no chance to grieve the way a person normally would. One second they had been alive and the next dead, and then all the days that followed had been a whirl of destruction and chaos, leaving me no chance to say my goodbyes. By the time things had finally settled down I’d grown used to living with my grief, had even thought it was normal. But it wasn’t. Living with two ghosts on your back was not normal.
Bryan had been working with Sergeant Hendrix to go over supplies when I’d arrived on the first floor, but when he finally finished he came over to stand next to me.
“That’s quite a send off,” he said, nodding to Daisy.
“Jealous?” I asked.
He chuckled as he nodded. “You better believe it.”
His gaze moved to my lips and a tingle shot through me. Of course, even if Bryan and I had slept together last night, there was no way that would be happening right now. Daisy and Tyler were only one step away from dry humping and I wasn’t a PDA kind of person, and I definitely wasn’t into putting on shows.
“Where to today?” I asked Bryan instead of dwelling on what had happened last night.
“We’re heading toward the hive. Up around what used to be the Englewood area.” He shook his head. “You wouldn’t recognize the place now. The clouds are so thick that it feels like night even in the middle of the day, and the vegetation is so dense that we have to chop our way through. Not that we’ve made any headway getting into the actual hive. The area is so thick with vines and flowers that we have to make sure to keep our masks on at all times.” His mouth scrunched up and I could tell he was considering what else to say. “Another platoon went up there a couple days ago but hasn’t reported in. We’re not sure if their radio is down or if they ran into trouble, though.”
“Has there been trouble?”
As far as I knew, no one had seen the aliens in more than a year. They’d created their hive of vines and locked the rest of us out. We didn’t have a clue what was happening in the little utopia they’d made, and a lot of us were okay with things staying that way. Leave them alone and they’ll leave us alone. Or that was the theory, anyway.
“No.” Bryan shook his head. “Which is why we think the platoon just had an injury or an illness and had to hole up somewhere for a few days. The radio contact out there is spotty thanks to the interference from the hive, and it’s possible they can’t get through to us. It happens, but we’re going to check it out anyway.”
“Let’s move out!” Hendrix’s voice boomed over the chatter of her platoon.
Bryan looked over his shoulder to where the rest of the guys were gathering their things. Daisy and Tyler had already broken away from one another. He was pulling his pack on and she was smoothing down her hair. Neither one looked like the separation stung even a little, but already I was dreading having to say goodbye to Bryan.
When he looked back at me, he gave me a sad smile. “I’m glad we came here.”
“Me too.”
Silence followed as behind him the platoon headed for the door. He took one step back, his eyes still on me, and a pang twisted my gut. Suddenly, I wanted to reach out and grab him, to pull him against me and hug him. I could even feel a ball of tears gathering in my throat, and it made me feel like a fool. I didn’t want to be that girl, the one who made a scene and acted like the end of the world was happening all over again. I was stronger than that.
“I’ll look you up next time we stop by,” he said.
He took another step away from me.
“Do that.” The words were impossibly difficult to get out.
“Goodbye, Diana.”
“Goodbye, Bryan.”
He gave me one last smile before turning his back and jogging away, leaving me standing alone with tears in my eyes like the fool I was.
Daisy came over to stand at my side as the platoon disappeared from sight. She slipped her arm around my waist and I found myself leaning my head on her shoulder.
“You going to tell me who he is now?” she said after the last man—Bryan—had slipped out the door. “I know he isn’t just some guy you went to high school with.”
“He was my husband’s brother.” It was the first time I’d acknowledged out loud that I’d ever had a husband, but of course Daisy wasn’t surprised.
She squeezed me tighter and kissed the side of my head. “You okay?”
“I am,” I said, and I realized it was true. I still had tears in my eyes, but I felt more whole than I had in years. Felt like I’d been able to put some of my past to rest. “You’re right. I have to let the blood dry some time.”
“We all do.”
“It’s not easy.”
“I didn’t lose even half of what you did, so I can’t even imagine.”
I closed my eyes. “I watched him die. Him and my baby girl.”
Daisy’s arm tightened around me until I felt like my shoulders would break, but she said nothing. A tear escaped from my closed eyes and rolled down my cheek. I didn’t bother to wipe it away.
Bryan was all I could think about as I followed Daisy up the dark stairwell, headed for the roof. I replayed our time together in my bed and how he’d looked at me when he left. We’d both promised not to be that person, but neither one of us had really succeeded. I’d been on the verge of tears and he’d looked like he’d wanted to pull me in for a hug. It hadn’t made sense considering how little time we’d spent together, but it seemed like confirmation that I’d made the right decision in not sleeping with him. If I’d had a difficult time letting
him go after a little kissing, it would have been torture to send him away after sex.
Stepping outside was a relief, even if it was dark and the mist had changed to a light drizzle. I pulled the hood of my poncho up higher and sucked in a deep breath as I stared up at the sky, trying to remember what it had been like to feel the heat of the sun on my face or how it had felt to be able to go outside without getting soaked to the bone. It was nearly impossible to recall.
The vines had grown since the last time I’d been up here. I thought they’d stopped growing years ago, but the few tendrils that now snaked their way over the edge and across the flat roof told a different story.
Daisy nodded to the vine as she stepped over it. “That’s new.”
Her tone told me she wasn’t concerned and I honestly wasn’t sure if I should be either. We’d learned to live with the plants the aliens had brought with them. Had even learned to live with the sun blotted out, although depression was a common problem these days. In fact, with most of our own plants dead we depended on the vegetation that now grew through our city, and had quickly learned which ones were edible and which ones should be avoided at all costs.
When Daisy reached the edge of the roof she took a seat, perching her butt half off the six inch ledge. I took a seat next to her, settling myself more firmly on the ledge because I wasn’t as scared of heights as she was. Not that she was scared necessarily. She just didn’t like being this close to the nine story drop.
We sat in silence as we stared out across the now foreign landscape of Dayton. It looked nothing like the city I’d known as a child. The water of the Miami River was barely visible through the thick foliage below, and the landscape was dotted with color, green and orange being the most predominant. Trees that were a hundred feet tall or more jutted up all over the place and vines grew up their trunks, which were so thick it seemed impossible to imagine that they had sprung up only five years ago, and hung from their branches. A thin moss with a purplish tint swayed in the breeze, reminding me of the Spanish moss that had at one time been common in Florida and other southern states. Did it still grow down there or did the rest of the country look just like this? Were there other places that had fared better? What would we find if we dared to travel outside Ohio in search of other communities like ours?
The Blood Will Dry Page 7