Brenna laughed and shook her head. “I grew up in Florida, remember? Ice skating wasn’t exactly the state sport.”
He clapped his hands together then rubbed them quickly, either for warmth or to indicate that he had a really hot idea. Maybe both.
“It’s settled, then,” he said like the cat who ate the canary. “I’m taking you ice skating. If you think playing in the snow is fun, just wait until you get a pair of skates on your feet. There’s an outdoor skating rink downtown that’s only open in the winters. They’ve been working all week to get it finished for the season, and it opens this weekend. We can go Saturday night after you’re done at work. That is, if you want to?”
Brenna bit her lip. They were moving forward again. It all felt so fast.
You need this. You need him.
Still, she hesitated. “I don’t know. Won’t there be a lot of people there? What if I can’t learn? What if I fall down or make a fool of myself?”
“Easy. I’ll help you. I’m kind of a pro, you know? I’ll have you doing triple axels in no time.”
They both laughed at that. Brenna secretly tucked away the thought of Matt in a sequined ice dancing costume in case she needed cheering up later. The image was too amusing to only visit once.
And, seriously, how could he seem to take her from discussing some of her deepest secrets, to laughing and feeling excited about something in less than a few minutes?
She rolled her eyes playfully and bumped Matt’s shoulder with her own. “Well, if I get hurt and can’t work next week, I’ll expect you to cover for me.”
“You really wouldn’t want me to do that. Not if you want to keep your job.” He grimaced before breaking apart in laughter once more.
They passed a house Brenna recognized—the same one that had sported the mother and her two toddlers earlier. The drive was now clean and everyone had gone inside. Brenna pictured them munching on grilled cheeses and drinking piping hot tomato soup. She’d have to make that classic comfort meal for the residents at the ranch sometime, too.
When they reached his parents’ house a few moments later, Matt stopped and turned toward her with a smile of absolute bliss splashed across his handsome face. “Thank you for coming to talk to me, Brenna. And for this walk. And for agreeing to go ice skating. Thank you for all of it. Thank you for everything.”
She looked away, feeling terribly awkward in the moment. “Maybe don’t thank me so much until we see where things go.”
“I can’t wait.” Matt squeezed both of her hands before turning and pointing to the house. “Want to come in for a quick drink? My mom will have my hide if I don’t at least try to show you that she has, in fact, taught me basic manners. Shocking, I know.”
“Maybe next time,” Brenna said, offering him a wave goodbye. She watched fondly as Matt jogged back inside to warm up, leaving her alone with her thoughts, her fears, and even the tiny spark of hope.
Chapter 13
Despite her determination during their talk, it had taken Matt two whole weeks to convince Brenna to finally go ice skating with him. In the meantime, they stuck mostly to walks, grooming the horses at the ranch together, and even built a few additional snowmen. Each afternoon spent in his company put her more at ease, but she still had a hard time letting her guard down.
Especially now that she faced the very real risk of literally falling down and face planting on the thick ice.
“Whatever you do, don’t let go of me!” she cried. “Otherwise, I won’t just fall onto the ice. Knowing my luck, I’ll fall straight through. Then I’ll die from the cold and—oops—no more Brenna.”
“Wow, I had no idea you were so dramatic,” Matt said as she gripped his arm tighter and tighter. “You’ll be fine. I’ve got you.”
She picked up her left foot and moved it forward a millimeter, maybe less, then did the same with her right. “I really don’t think I can do this. How do people actually stand on these things?”
Brenna shook her head in amazement as other skaters flew past them, gliding along the ice as though they were standing on nothing but sharp blades holding them upright on the slippery surface. She’d never been the athletic type, and that definitely showed now.
In middle school her gym coach had suggested she try out for the track team since she loved running so much and often finished their relay races first in class, but her father had quickly put an end to that. Other than sneaking out for an occasional run at home, she hadn’t had the opportunity to work on fitness—or even more regrettably at this particular moment, coordination.
Matt laughed and pulled her out a bit farther, then turned and faced her, taking both hands in his as he skated backward. “Just get a feel for the skates under you. Don’t try moving yet, and definitely don’t walk on the ice. Glide. I’ll pull you along with me, so you can see how it’s supposed to feel.”
How did she ever let herself get talked into this? She knew she was going to go down at least once before this night was over, and she also knew it was going to hurt. But she had to admit, it was somehow still fun, especially with Matt at her side. He didn’t seem to mind that he was stuck looking after some ridiculous girl who couldn’t even stand up straight at the moment as he dragged her along the ice.
At least a couple dozen other people dotted the ice rink, but Brenna felt as if she and Matt had this moment solely to themselves. He stayed near the edge, so they’d be out of everyone’s way, but it was also more than that. As they made their way around the track, she took a moment to just enjoy the feeling of nothing weighing on her. This was her chance to simply enjoy being alive and further get to know this man who was so patiently holding her upright.
So far he hadn’t let go, and if that didn’t prove she could trust him, nothing would.
Bright orange lights lined the track, giving off a glow that reflected on the snow around them. She could hear children laughing and shouting as they crisscrossed between the other skaters in some kind of impromptu race. A sweet elderly couple skated past holding hands and smiling at each other. She idly wondered if people thought she and Matt were also a sweet couple, if maybe it was starting to be a little bit true.
“You know what?” she told Matt over the gently whipping wind.
“What?” he asked with a warm smile.
“I’ve decided it’s not natural for humans to be trying to move around ice like this on blades of steel. That’s why it’s so hard—because it’s not normal or right.” As soon as she started to talk, her left foot scooted out in front again, almost kicking poor Matt in the shins.
She squealed before continuing. “And I actually think this might be dangerous. I’m going to end up cutting you with the blades of these skates when I fall. You do realize that, right?”
Matt just laughed and shook his head. “Stop talking and just concentrate. And if you do start to fall, try aiming your skates away from my body.” He was grinning widely at her, his wool hat pulled down over his head and cheeks red from the cold. She could see his breath whenever he spoke. Sometimes she caught glimpses of her own, too, but mostly she was focused on her feet and the thick ice beneath them.
When Brenna had lived in Florida, she’d always dreamed of living somewhere with snow and cold winters. The thought of curling up with hot chocolate in front of a fire seemed like the perfect cozy way to spend an evening after being outside. However, she didn’t think the chill she felt deep in her bones right now could ever be eased by a cup of hot cocoa.
“I’m going to let go of your hands. Just move your skates slowly beneath you. Don’t try pushing off them too much.” As he said this, he began to pry her fingers from his and let her slowly drift on her own.
“No! Don’t let go. I’m not ready to do this on my own. I think I need more lessons.” She gripped onto his hands tightly, refusing to let go. Normally, getting and staying close to him for so long would make her nervous, but the thought of doing this without him was absolutely terrifying.
He tilted his head a
nd raised an eyebrow. “C’mon, tough tattooed girl like you afraid of a little pain?” He looked around at the other skaters. “Besides, I think there’s a toddler over there who started the same time as you and she’s already going along on her own.”
Brenna scowled at him in annoyance. Still, he wasn’t exactly wrong. If a little kid could master this, perhaps she could, too. “You better be right about that, because if I fall and break something, I’m pretty much never talking to you again,” she announced.
Slowly, she unfolded her fingers and let him pull his hands away. Her arms immediately went out to the sides as she struggled to keep her balance. “I’m scared to move my legs. I know as soon as I do I’m going to be picking ice out of my teeth.”
Matt’s laughter made her smile. Even if she was about to fall and break her neck, she had to admit it was a lot of fun to be able to joke around with someone like this. It felt natural. And besides, she’d already remained upright for much longer than she’d expected to. Maybe Matt was right. Maybe she could do this. Maybe he was right about other things as well.
“Just move them real slow and smooth,” he instructed. “You can do it, Brenna. And I promise, I’ll catch you if you fall.”
Her eyes lifted to his at the sound in his voice as he spoke. She didn’t know if he realized what he was saying, but there was something in the words that wrapped around her heart and squeezed tight. He would catch her. He promised, and she sensed that even implied to situations outside of ice skating, too.
She pushed one foot forward, then the other, moving slowly at first, but then a little faster. Not much, but a little. She couldn’t help the wide grin that spread across her face as she realized: “I’m doing it! I’m really doing it!”
She brought her hands in to clap in amusement, but—of course—as soon as she did, each of her feet decided to skate in opposite directions. She ended up hunched over, her legs spread wide as she tried to hold herself up and somehow bring her legs back to a standing position. “Matt! Help me!”
He laughed so hard, it took him a moment to compose himself.
Well, Brenna didn’t have a moment. She could just make out the tip of his skates as she carefully peeked up to see if he was helping yet. “I’m serious. I feel like Bambi out here.”
Finally, his skates moved into her view and she held her hands up for him to take. As she moved, her balance went off and immediately her right leg slipped, lifting high in the air as she started to fall.
Matt grunted as the blade caught his shin, but just before she landed hard on the ice, his hand grabbed hers and gently guided her to the ground.
Unfortunately, he must have misjudged her weight because as soon as she was on the ground, he toppled down beside her. He was right, though. It hadn’t hurt at all.
Afraid she’d hurt him, however, she studied his body for signs of breaks or blood. “Matt, I’m so sorry! Is your leg hurt?”
His laugh rung out across the ice and snow—deep, loud, merry. “Nope, the only thing that hurt is my pride. See? Told you I would catch you.”
Chapter 14
Brenna and Matt left the skating track earlier than they’d originally planned, but the air had grown so deeply cold that neither could stand being outside much longer. It seemed most of the other skaters had the same idea, and soon they found themselves waiting for a long line of cars leading up to a single stoplight.
Brenna’s phone buzzed with a text: Mom says you’re not coming home for Christmas?!
Sorry, Brenna typed back as she tried to push aside the feelings of guilt that immediately took over. She knew it was hard for her younger sister to understand why she had to leave. And Brenna did feel terrible knowing that she’d left Olivia alone with their mother. But she’d do it all over again if given the chance.
For the first time in her life, Brenna had learned to put herself first. An empty vessel can’t fill, her therapist had told her. If she kept giving pieces of herself away to everyone else, there wouldn’t be anything left. She wanted to fade into the background, yes, but not disappear.
Her phone buzzed again with another message from Olivia. Well, Christmas is still almost a month away. I’m sure you’ll change your mind. Just don’t wait too long because flights are crazy expensive this time of year.
Brenna put her phone back in her pocket and offered Matt an apologetic smile. She hadn’t even realized they’d made it through traffic stop and were now in line at a drive thru for one of Anchorage’s famous coffee shacks that offered hot beverages guaranteed to kick you in the butt.
“Everything okay?” Matt asked, studying her as he handed her a warm cup of hot chocolate. How had he known she’d been fantasizing about just this thing earlier that night?
She sank back into the seat and took an appreciative sip, savoring the warmth as it spread through her body. Her phone vibrated in her pocket again. “Thanks for the cocoa,” she said, raising the cup to him in a salute. “I’m fine. It’s just my sister is having a hard time understanding why I ran away to Alaska, as she puts it.”
“Ugh, it’s never easy when family fights.” Matt accepted his change from the cashier and pulled back onto the main road before continuing. “She’ll come around, though. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. With time, she’ll understand that for you, getting better meant getting away from the place where all the memories first played out.”
Wow, he really gets it.
Brenna smiled as she tipped her head and watched him. How could this man she’d only met already understand better than her own family? Should she tell him the rest and see if he got that, too? Perhaps it would help if he understood why she’d…
No. It was too soon. She didn’t want to confront that memory yet, and she also didn’t want to lose Matt. Yes, he came from a rough-and-tumble past of his own, but he’d never done anything half as bad as what she’d been through. What she did.
He sat watching the road ahead, completely unaware of the struggle tearing at her insides. When he turned his head, their eyes met briefly before he turned back to pay attention to driving.
Her insides melted, and she knew it wasn’t from the hot chocolate. It was that smile. It was picturing him bald or in an ice-dancing costume. It was everything about him.
And her.
And them.
Oh my gosh, she wasn’t ready for the feelings that laid siege to her heart, but now that they were there, how could she ever push them away?
They drove in companionable silence, sipping at their cocoa, chatting occasionally but mostly keeping to their own thoughts until suddenly, Matt gasped and pointed out the front window toward the sky. “Look! I was hoping with it being this cold tonight we’d get a good show.”
Brenna leaned forward to study the night sky. The stars were now joined by a fantastic light show comprised of bright greens, blues, and even pink. It was so beautiful it took her breath away. She’d hoped to see the Northern Lights in their full glory, but had only once caught a fleeting glimpse at the far edge of the horizon. What she was looking at now covered the whole sky.
Immediately, Matt pulled to the side of the road and stopped his truck. He reached behind the seat and grabbed a blanket, then opened his door and hopped out. “C’mon, you. You can’t watch it properly sitting inside a vehicle.”
She was still sitting in awed silence as Matt ran around to her door and yanked it open.
“What are we doing?” she protested. “I was finally starting to thaw out from skating.”
“We don’t want to miss this,” he said, offering her his hand to help her down.
We. She liked being part of a we. A good one. Not we are terrified or we are hurt, but we are enjoying one of nature’s most beautiful natural wonders.
She accepted his hand, hers shaking as she did—maybe from the cold or maybe from the hugeness of this moment.
Matt raced around his truck and opened the tailgate, then smoothed the blanket out in the bed. Before she could even attempt to
hop up herself, he’d lifted her up and set her back down on their makeshift stargazing couch.
“You’ve never seen a true Alaskan aurora borealis until you’ve sat out on the edge of the city wrapped in a blanket watching it dance across the sky,” he said after plunking down beside her.
“And it’s extra cold tonight, so do you mind if we sit like this?” He opened his legs and motioned for her to crawl between them so he could hug her from behind and they could both enjoy the full warmth of the blanket. At first she was afraid to relax completely, but within minutes she’d leaned back into him and let him use the blanket and his own body heat to keep her warm.
In all her life, she couldn’t remember anyone holding her like this. It made her feel safe and cared for, and she found herself wishing he’d never let go.
Brenna lifted her eyes and smiled to herself as she watched the colors undulating in waves across the sky. It was so quiet and peaceful that she felt as if they might be the only two people in the entire world and that this display had been made just for this moment, just for them. The cold air kissed her cheeks, but the rest of her was completely warm, wrapped in Matt’s arms.
He leaned down and whispered in her ear. “Can you hear it?”
“Hear what?” She shivered as the feel of his warm breath caressed her earlobe. They were so close, and she wasn't running away. Maybe he’d kiss her again. Maybe this time she’d enjoy it.
“The lights,” he said with an undeniable smile in his voice. “If you listen, sometimes you can hear them hissing as they move.”
Brenna held her breath and sat perfectly still, waiting for that unmistakable S sound to find her. Finally, she gasped aloud as she thought she heard something whispering in the sky. “I think I can hear it!”
Memories of Healing Page 7