by Natalie Ann
19
Broken Record
“Why did you hold on so long?”
Whitney turned and looked at her mother the following week. The two of them were at the mall getting some Christmas shopping done. “Hold onto what so long?” she asked.
“Your marriage with Kevin. Why didn’t you leave him before he cheated? No one would have faulted you for kicking him out based on his treatment of you alone.”
“Because I honored my vows,” she said, moving over to look at some other clothes. She wanted to get as much as she could done today and that meant Trey and Ben too. She planned on finding toys and clothes rather than ordering them online.
“He didn’t honor his and I don’t mean by not cheating. Everyone could see he had no desire to have a child. If he did he would have been there with you for those appointments and he never was.”
“That’s not true,” she said. “He went with me early on.”
“And after a year stopped. Why didn’t you two want to try invitro?” her mother asked. “Was it a money issue? We would have paid for it.”
“I didn’t need my parents to pay for things for us. That was part of Kevin’s problem. He thought you guys were going to give us everything. He was pissed to find out the house wasn’t in at least my name.”
“And your father and I weren’t stupid. He lived lavishly off of your money. Yes, you were young and didn’t have a lot of money saved up when you should have at the time you were going to build your house. When you’d been living rent free was the time to put money away. We were smart enough to know what was going on and that it wasn’t you. It’s never been you that spent like crazy.”
“No. You raised us differently. We work for what we’ve got and appreciate it. Kevin didn’t understand that.”
“He wouldn’t. His job consisted of driving around in expensive cars all day trying to schmooze people. And when he wasn’t doing that, he was hanging with guys at the shop. He was probably talking trash about his wife on top of it.”
“No clue,” she said, but she wouldn’t have put any of it passed him. “And though I knew you would have paid for the fertility treatments, I wanted to try to conceive naturally. I figured we had time yet. I was still young.”
And she’d already conceived once. No one could figure out why she couldn’t again. Of course no one could have imagined the reason and when she talked to Kevin about being tested he always told her no.
Then he’d turn it into her refusing to believe it had to be her. That maybe she did something to cause that miscarriage and that was why she couldn’t get pregnant again.
She lived with a lot of guilt and shame in her marriage that she wouldn’t tell anyone. Not even Trey whom she’d told the most to. There were some things she was taking to the grave with her and that was one of them.
That her feelings of self-worth were at an all time low and she felt there was no way to get any lower other than digging a hole and jumping into it.
“I would have offered,” her mother said. “If I felt Kevin wanted a child. I don’t think I thought it. More so now looking back.”
If her parents only knew the whole story. Maybe someday she’d tell them, but not now. Not anytime soon. It didn’t matter at this point.
“It was better this way,” she said. “I’m not tied to him for anything. It would have been so much worse and you know it.”
“What I know is that if you had a child with him and you caught him cheating, I still think you would have tried to keep the marriage together.”
Her mother might have been right. “Good thing we didn’t have to worry about it,” she said. She was moving along looking at more clothes in the department store and they ended up making their way to the children’s section.
“Just don’t rush things like you did before.”
She was getting sick and tired of the broken record. She put the little red and blue romper back on the rack. “Why is everyone so concerned? It’s starting to piss me off.” Her mother went to open her mouth and she stopped her. “And don’t say you don’t want me to get hurt again. Did you ever stop to think how much it hurts to keep hearing my family say this to me?”
Her mother looked like she might start to cry, and as much as she wanted to take the words back, she wasn’t going to. “No. I didn’t think of that. I guess I looked at it like we have supported all your decisions in life and maybe we shouldn’t have.”
“Please,” she said, turning back to the clothes and grabbing two outfits. Screw it, she was going to do what she wanted. “You didn’t support my decision to marry Kevin.”
“No. We didn’t. You were right out of high school. You left for college and then I knew right away you were thinking of coming back the next semester. I got the feeling he didn’t like you being there.”
“We missed each other,” she said. No use saying she’d gotten pregnant. She wasn’t home at the time and she hadn’t seen a doctor locally for her family to know.
“I believe that. I didn’t know if you missed him more than he did you.”
“Again. No clue. But I finished college like I always planned. Getting married so early didn’t change that. We had no talks about kids until I finished.”
“I’m sure Kevin was fine with that.”
“He was,” she said. “Can we stop talking about my ex? And stop worrying about me with Trey. I know what I’m doing. If I mess up then I’ll take responsibility for it. Or if we mess up together we’ll work it out if it’s for the best.”
“You’re in love with him again, aren’t you?”
There was no use lying. “I am. I haven’t told him and I don’t plan on it anytime soon. Looking back, maybe I never stopped. I tried to find that with someone else and that was my only regret.”
Her mother ran her hand up and down her arm. “I’m sorry if you think I’m being harsh. When you’re a parent you want what is best for your kids.”
“I know. I understand. I hope to experience that myself someday. If I don’t, or can’t, then I can adopt. I’m not there yet.”
“But you’ve probably given yourself a timeline, haven’t you?”
“I’m not stupid,” she said. “I’m thirty-three. My time is running out. When it gets to the end of it and I have to start thinking of the future more, you’ll be the first to know. But until then, I want to enjoy my boyfriend and his son.”
“You never told me about Ben’s mother,” her mom said.
“Not much to say. She didn’t want to be a mother and Trey wanted the baby. Legally, Ben is his and his ex signed all rights over. As he said, consider it like paying for a surrogate.”
“I guess that is good then. No worries about an ex in the picture.”
“It’s the least of my worries,” she said. “Now which one of these outfits do you like better? Or should I get them both?”
Her mother laughed. “You know you’re going to buy them both and plenty more. Don’t even ask me.”
She laughed. “You’re right. I am.”
20
Made Sacrifices
Trey was getting ready to go to sleep after a long night at the firehouse when his phone rang.
He looked at the number, didn’t recognize it and sent it to voicemail, then tossed his phone on the bed next to him.
When it went off with a message, he put it on speaker to hear, “Trey, it’s Kathy. We need to talk.”
What the hell? No, no, they didn’t need to talk. They had nothing to say to each other.
She didn’t want a child, he paid her, and she left one day when he was out of the house and he never heard from her again.
He deleted the message and rolled over to get some sleep.
But sleep wasn’t going to come as he would have liked and two hours later he finally decided to stop trying and got up.
He showered and grabbed something to eat and threw a load of laundry in. He had the house to himself to clean and he was going to take advantage of it. Then he’d run to the stor
e and try to get a few things for Christmas for Ben and hide them in his room before he picked his son up at daycare.
It was only early December. He had plenty of time, but now that he had a child, he realized that time wasn’t always his friend to get things done.
After his laundry was folded and the kitchen cleaned, he was ready to hit Target for some toys. When his phone rang again, he saw it was Kathy and figured he might as well find out what she wanted so he could tell her to get lost.
“What?” he said.
There was silence on the other end. “Trey?”
“Yes. You know it’s me.”
“It’s Kathy. I didn’t expect you to answer that way.”
“What way did you want me to answer? You got your money and a free place to live for months. I come home one day and you’re gone. You didn’t even say goodbye to your son.”
He had no clue why he was bringing this up other than it bothered him that any woman could be that callous. Maybe he was finding it more frustrating after watching the way Whitney was with Ben.
Hell, strangers showed more affection for his kid than the woman that gave birth to him.
“I couldn’t stay there any longer. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me,” he said.
“Why? We had an agreement and I honored that. I didn’t have to go through the pregnancy.”
He knew that. But he also knew of her desire to leave the area and start a new life with her band. To get a recording contract or label. Anything.
“No, you didn’t, but you were always ruled by money.”
“You got what you wanted.”
“I did,” he said. No, he hadn’t wanted to be a single father. Not even when Kathy said she was pregnant. But he would be damned if he’d never get to hold his son.
He made sacrifices and didn’t care. He wouldn’t have done anything differently.
“Then what is the problem?” she asked.
“The problem is, you didn’t answer my question. What do you want?”
“How is Ben doing?”
“You signed those rights away and you know it,” he said.
“You can’t answer a simple question?”
“No,” he said. “You didn’t so much as hold your son when you were in the house. You locked yourself away in your room and didn’t want anything to do with him. Now you want to call and find out how he is doing? I don’t buy it.”
“Maybe I’ve had a change of heart,” she said.
“Again. Not buying it. What is it you want? Not money. Not only am I not taking a loan out to give you more, but I don’t owe you a penny.”
“You don’t need a loan. You’ve got that wealthy girlfriend of yours.”
So this was where it was going. He had no idea she was even keeping tabs on him. No, she wouldn’t be. She didn’t care enough.
Goddamn rumors in this town. Someone she knew had to have told her. It was the only way she’d find out and he knew damn well she wouldn’t be asking. It had to be someone she knew rubbing her face in it.
“Who I date has nothing to do with you.”
“Maybe she wouldn’t want to know about how you got Ben,” Kathy said almost sounding smug.
He started to laugh. “Kathy. She knows. I told her. It’s not a secret. It doesn’t reflect poorly on me other than my shitty taste in dating.”
He hung the phone up after that. There was nothing more for him to say. If she thought she was going to blackmail him or hold threats over his head, she had another thing coming.
He grabbed his keys and left to do what he had planned. Once he was home with a nice haul for his kid—more than Ben needed for sure—he texted Whitney to see if she wanted to get dinner with him and Ben tonight.
She replied fast that she’d love to and he said he’d pick her up at four thirty if she could get out early, then looked at his watch and realized that Ben would be going down for his nap soon and rushed over to get him so he could sleep at home.
Hours later he pulled into Whitney’s driveway and didn’t even bother to get out, since she was coming out the backdoor and hopping in. “Sorry about the early dinner,” he said.
“What? No, it’s fine. I know you like to keep Ben on a schedule. It’s not a problem. Hi, buddy,” she said, turning to look at his son in the backseat. “Did you miss me?”
Ben let out a yell that sounded like “Whhh, whhh.” Maybe it was his son’s way of saying Whitney. At least Trey was telling himself that.
“Now he wants to be in your arms,” he said.
“Hmm. Maybe I want to be in your arms too,” she said, smiling. “Did you get a lot of shopping done today?”
“I did. I’ve never started this early, but at least I think I’ve got Ben done mostly. This week I’ll try to put the tree up for him.”
“Can I help?” she asked.
“Sure. It’ll be fun. Last year I had a little tabletop one that my mother brought over. She said Ben needed a tree in the house for his first Christmas, even if he didn’t understand it. But this year, he will understand more.”
“He already does at my house,” she said.
“How can he not with all your decorations and lights.”
He’d been warned that she went crazy for the holidays. He worked over the weekend, but when she sent him the pictures of what she’d been doing to the house, he knew he had to go see it in person, so he brought Ben. Then they both discovered the house wasn’t nearly as baby proof as he would have liked.
“I moved things out of his reach now. So the next time he’s in the house it should be fine.”
“Thanks for that,” he said. “Sorry if I’m a little neurotic over it.”
“You should be. I’m the one who didn’t think of it,” she said. “But now I know.”
“I didn’t think of these things myself before Ben.” They pulled into the restaurant and he got Ben out. It was much easier to bring his son out having that extra set of hands.
Once they were seated and the meals ordered, he heard Whitney’s name called and turned to look at the woman coming their way.
“Oh God,” Whitney whispered. “Is that Carly?”
“I think so.”
“Whitney. Oh dear, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you. And Trey, right? I had no idea you two were back together.” Before either of them could answer, Carly turned to Ben. “Is this your son? Oh my, he’s so cute. I’m not sure which one of you he looks like more.”
Whitney started to laugh. “He looks like Trey.”
“I guess you’re right,” Carly said. “This is just like high school again. Everyone thought you two would have ended up married with a family. Of course how could we not with you telling everyone that? Guess things do work out your way. Weren’t you married to someone else though?”
Trey could see the flush fill Whitney’s face and he wasn’t about to add to the gossip Carly was collecting and wanting to spew. Nor was he going to correct her either. “When it’s meant it is,” he said. “Guess we just had to take a break to realize that.”
“That’s right,” Carly said. “You broke up with Whitney.” Carly put her hand on Whitney’s shoulder. “I remember how heartbroken you were over it. But then you ended up marrying someone else a year later. Looks like it all worked out though, as you said. Good to see you both. What a cute kid you’ve got.”
The minute Carly left, Whitney said, “Why do people care so much about us?”
“Because their own lives are boring,” he said dryly.
She laughed and he was happy to see she wasn’t upset over what just happened. “You always can do that.”
“What?” he asked.
“Make me laugh when I want to scream. She was being a bitch just like she was in school. She knows I’m divorced. She probably knows Kevin cheated on me too. Hell, I wouldn’t put it past her to have been one of his women to spite me she was so jealous back then.”
He laughed. “She can’t be too up to date on the gossip th
ough because she thought Ben was our kid.”
“I’m sure she’ll find out soon enough once she makes the rounds,” she said.
“Not that I care either way. Do you?”
“Not really. But Ben isn’t my son.”
“He’s more your son than most,” he said before he could stop himself. Then when she got tears in her eyes, he worried he’d said the wrong thing. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Something. Tell me.”
She hesitated and then finally admitted, “I’m sick of everyone being so concerned with our business. My parents are all over my case about rushing and pushing you away again.”
“And you’re holding it in because of that?” he asked. He didn’t want that. He knew what he felt for her and if he could get her to admit the same, maybe they could finally put the past behind them.
“Maybe. I keep saying I know what I’m doing, but then I wonder if I do.”
“Don’t let anyone get in your head. We were kids and we know it. If we can understand that, why can’t everyone else?”
“I have no idea. I understand no one wants to see me hurt again. And I’m sorry if my family was overprotective over the holiday. I know they’ve all said things to you in passing.”
Her father and brother and he had come to terms. He hadn’t seen any of her male cousins yet other than Kaelyn’s husband and Harris didn’t count since he didn’t know the guy years ago.
Everyone was looking out for Whitney and he understood it. But it seemed to him, as much as the men were watching out for her, the women were watching out for him. Or at least Whitney’s mother was.
Hell, even his sister and mother were making comments about him being hurt again and Whitney moving too fast.
She was right. Everyone needed to mind their own business.
“And I don’t care about that,” he said. “You shouldn’t either. All you should care about is how I feel.”
“How is that?” she asked.
She was the one who’d said she loved him first before. He was coming to realize she wouldn’t take that step again. “That I love you. That I might have never stopped. Or maybe I didn’t realize it for what it was back then.”