by Chloe Garner
“Sam isn’t sleeping on the couch,” she said.
“Tanner left this morning,” Jason said.
“Oh, yeah.”
She went upstairs, finding herself in front of the last of the guest rooms where the door was closed. Jason came to stand behind her.
“It’s what we are, Sweetheart. Don’t put off what you want to do today. You might not get another chance at it.”
“Yeah,” Samantha said. “Good night, Jason.”
He pointed at the room she normally shared with Sam, then nodded and dropped his hand when she took a step back, turning to go to Tanner’s room. She lay down in his bed, smelling on Tanner’s sheets and pillow his musky, outdoorsy smell that was so different from either Jason or Sam. That was what she had wanted.
Sam was sleeping quietly in the next room, and Samantha, laying alone in a room that smelled of someone else, could forget the details long enough to slip off to sleep, herself.
<><><>
Caroline and Sam didn’t emerge from Caroline’s room the entire next day, save when Sam came downstairs to pilfer lunch. Samantha and Jason trained outside, then she worked on her computer while he watched television. She was distracted the whole time, but Jason graciously didn’t tease or take advantage.
Around dusk, Caroline came downstairs with a backpack.
“I’m off. Good to see you, Jason. Nice to meet you, Sam,” she said.
“Little late, isn’t it?” Jason asked. “What’s up?”
“My Seeker just got a line on a ghost I’ve been hunting down for six months. Need to be in Mississippi by dawn. Have a good night.”
She waved and left, the sound of her engine starting and car tires crunching on gravel indicating that she was actually gone. Jason looked at Samantha, then returned to watching television. Doris came into the living room.
“Was that Caroline I just heard leave?” she asked.
“It was,” Jason said.
“Something wrong?”
“Just a lead,” Jason said. Doris nodded.
“Can I talk you into dinner?” she asked. Jason set down the remote and stood.
“That sounds good. Let me help you.”
Samantha reached out to Sam, who was stewing in a full spectrum of emotions, and he didn’t push her away. She glanced into the kitchen where Doris had Jason cutting vegetables, then sneaked upstairs. Caroline had left the door to the room cracked, and she pushed it open, finding the light off and the room dim. Sam was leaning against a pillow, sitting on the bed. She pushed the door closed behind her, walking over to the corner of the bed and sitting down quietly, crossing her legs.
“So,” she said finally. “Tell me?”
<><><>
Their workout the next morning was perhaps more intense than Jason deserved. Sam sat on the back porch, watching, and Doris came and went at intervals as she did other housework. She very carefully directed every thought at Jason. She was safer that way.
Sam had told her that he was happy. That Caroline made him feel not-alone. And attractive. And normal. For a Ranger, anyway. No baggage. He wouldn’t say that he was in love with her, and he did his best not to gush, but the young, potent stages of love were unmistakable. Certainly, it was socially inappropriate to say it out loud, but he was smitten, and he was in love. She had been very brave, letting the pieces of herself out that were genuinely happy to see - and to feel - him unburdened like that and only now, with a weapon in her hands, did she let the torturous realization that she was that burden unfold. She channeled it hard at Jason, restless fury and focus that left him bruised and drenched in sweat, hoping that the torrent would disguise it from Sam.
For his part, he was quiet. Sad Caroline had left, but not the slightest bit surprised. Content. He had told her that this was how Ranger relationships worked. Usually between two Rangers, they accepted that they would see each other when they could, and that one of them might die at any time. The time that they did get to spend together tended to be… He hadn’t been willing to say it, and she hadn’t been able to hide her reaction. Intense. He had been drunk on her, but calm, controlled… aware. This was his own world, and the best it had to offer.
Samantha hit the same bruise just below Jason’s hip, dropping him to the ground. She snatched his practice sword as he fell, to add insult to injury. She didn’t have anything constructive to add, so she just waited for him to get up and tossed him the sword again. She would guess that he knew where her temper was coming from - that everyone knew. She would guess that her pretense was for her own benefit alone, but she kept it, because unpacking everything with Sam watching from inside her head would be worse.
The worst thing she could imagine.
If Alexander had tried to get in touch with her last night, Jason hadn’t mentioned it.
She needed time to evaluate the moral equivalency of the two relationships; she was sure they were different, but she needed to get through the self-justification phase to come to real, rational conclusions, and she simply couldn’t do it with Sam
Freaking
In
Her
Head.
She hit Jason harder, holding herself to a strict limit of no broken ribs. Carter would never have shown her the same consideration, but she didn’t have time for Jason to heal. He needed the training time more than the lesson, and Carter would have said that she needed the lesson more than the training.
She hated herself for thinking like that.
Jason groaned and fell to his knees.
“Yield,” he said. “I give up.”
Samantha bit her lips, biting back dual thought paths of shame at pushing him this far and temper, burning to push him on just to make someone else hurt. Doris called something from the back porch and Samantha turned.
“Yeah?” Doris asked.
“I’m sorry. What did you say?” Samantha asked.
“Lunch is ready. Can we put off the last of the execution until after that?”
Samantha dropped her head.
“Yeah. Sorry. We’ll go get cleaned up.”
She turned back to Jason and helped him up. Took a breath to speak.
“Don’t say it,” he said. “I know what’s going on and I don’t want your pity.” He stood square over his feet for a moment, taking stock. “Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay.”
Sam clapped Jason on the shoulder as they walked up the steps.
“Aren’t you glad she’s on our side?” he asked.
“Damn straight,” Jason said. Sam grinned and looked at Samantha.
“Do we need to talk?” he asked. There was a flash conversation of ideas between them. Her scorn. He knew the answer to that, and obviously the answer was no. His sheepish apology. He had to ask anyway. Her angry sense of irony. Of course he did. He was a good guy like that. His sense of hopelessness. Was there anything he could do? He sighed.
“Yeah, I guess not,” he said. She eased, apologetic and a bit sad. Even angry at herself. He felt guilty, and she sparked rage. No, he shouldn’t feel guilty. That was the entire problem. He felt guiltier, and she threw her arms out to the side in exasperation.
“The others who were like us, did they have this many problems?” Sam asked.
“I think most of them were celibate,” Samantha said. Jason turned and pointed a finger at them, first Sam, then Samantha.
“Not the answer to all the world’s problems, I don’t care what anyone says.”
“Of course you say that,” Samantha said.
“Proof,” Jason said. “You two are already halfway there, and you don’t have any fewer problems for it. I’d argue you have more.”
“Pretty sure they were more celibate than me,” Samantha said. Jason shook his shoulders.
“Shudder, shudder,” he said. Sam laughed.
“You reek. I’m not sitting at a table with you and food at the same time.”
“I’m going. I’m just saying. Sex is not the problem here.”
He left and
Samantha glanced at Sam.
“As much as he’s right, you suppose he’d like to weigh in on what the problem actually is?” she said.
“He only has a few answers. Usually the problem is either demons or not enough sex.”
“I can’t see how either one of those helps, here.”
“No.”
“Look…”
“I know.”
“I feel bad…”
He smiled.
“I know.”
“It’s not fair. After what I…”
“Sam. I know. I know. It’s okay.”
She looked up at him for a long minute.
“Shut up. Stop being so reasonable.”
“You’d rather I beat up Jason, too?”
She glowered playfully, then twisted her mouth to one side.
“Yes. I’d feel much better.”
“Well, now that you’ve got him all softened up for me…”
“It would feel like cheating.”
“It kinda would.”
“He’s getting better.”
“I can tell.”
She looked at the closed back door.
“I feel bad.”
“Really shouldn’t. He doesn’t do anything if he doesn’t think it’s either fun or worthwhile, and usually both.”
“No one likes getting bruised up like that.”
“He’s getting better.”
“Yeah, but…”
“No. Even he can tell that. Even I can tell that. It’s worth it to him.”
“Sometimes I think we’re big crybabies compared to Rangers,” Samantha said.
“If Lange is any example at all, I think you’re right,” Sam said. She laughed.
“Having a fragile ego and being a crybaby are different. Commonly occur together, but different.”
“Well, you’re a big crybaby, too,” Sam said.
“I’m what?”
“You’re allowed to be angry. I’m allowed to be angry. Stop feeling so sorry for everyone all the time. We’re grownups. We can take a few hits.”
“Back at you,” Samantha said. He gave her a crooked smile.
“Yeah. Okay.”
She nodded.
“Okay.”
“Go get washed up. I’m going to help Doris with lunch.”
She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him, and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her for as long as she stayed. There were so many things she wanted to say, but none of them were right. I’m sorry. I want you. I’m happy for you. I’m jealous. I love you. You are the best friend I ever had. I’m in pain. I’m a big girl, and I’ll be all right. He heard them all anyway. She sighed and kissed his cheek, dropping her weight back onto her heels. He let her go.
“I’ll be back down in a few minutes,” she said.
<><><>
“What do you guys think of North Carolina?” Jason asked at lunch.
“British colony. Capital Raleigh. North of South Carolina, south of Virginia,” Samantha said. “What are you looking for?”
“Simon hasn’t got anything, right?”
Sam shrugged.
“I haven’t heard anything from him.”
“So we’ve got some time. I figure, why not go somewhere where there are girls wandering around in bikinis, right? I thought maybe we could go hit Wilmington, or one of the islands.”
They had vacationed as a family in Wilmington and hadn’t been back since their parents had died. Sam looked at Jason with an eyebrow up.
“What? A demon is hunting you down to make the rest of your life short and painful. What would you do?”
“I think it’s a great idea. I’m just surprised…”
“What, that I had a good idea? I’m insulted.”
“No…”
“No, I get it,” Jason said. “It’s okay. We all know the two of you are the brains. What do you think?”
Sam looked at Doris, and she waved at him.
“You guys enjoy your time off. Come back next time you’re through these parts.”
Sam stood and hugged her.
“Is Krista going to be through any time?” he asked.
“I don’t need a baby sitter,” Doris said.
“If we leave now, we could hit Memphis in time for a late dinner,” Jason said. Doris made a dismissive motion at Sam as he took her plate.
“I’ll get these. You go get packed up. Hit the road.”
“Doris…”
She laughed and stood, taking his face in her hands.
“Sam, my boy. I love you. I love you like one of my sons. And I love having you here. The day you make me an anchor, I will forbid you ever coming back. You got me?”
“You’re okay by yourself?” he asked.
“You ever think that maybe I have a life here? And that I put it on hold when you’re here because I want to spend time with you, but that I’m perfectly capable of filling my hours without you?”
“I miss Arthur,” Sam said. She nodded.
“I know. I do too, but I went my whole life knowing some day he wouldn’t come home.” She squeezed his face. “I’m grateful for every day, but I never planned on growing old with him.”
“Be careful,” Sam said.
“Oh, Sam. I’m a handful, I promise.”
She kissed his forehead. Samantha and Jason had finished clearing the table.
“What do you do, Doris?” Samantha asked.
“I read to at-risk kids downtown. I bring meals to the real old people,” she said, elbowing Sam. “I have a group of ladies that I have tea with most mornings.” She grinned at Jason. “Dirtiest group of ladies I’ve ever known. They’d make you blush. I volunteer at the library. I go to Bible study. I run a waypoint for Rangers. You go enjoy your time off. Get yourselves figured out. I’m okay.”
Samantha wouldn’t let Jason get in the middle of the conversation. Sam felt her pull him away upstairs to go pack.
“I don’t want to go,” he said.
“You don’t want to leave. You want to go,” Doris said. “When you’re done leaving, you won’t be a Ranger any more.”
“But we don’t have to go,” he said.
“Yeah. You do. Jason’s like Arthur. He always knows when it’s time to move on. Doesn’t he?”
Sam sighed, looking toward the stairs.
“Yeah.”
“You want to stay, I won’t make you go. But tell me the truth. You’re ready to get the road under you again, aren’t you? And Wilmington is a big deal for you, isn’t it?”
Samantha had known it. It was why she hadn’t argued with Jason. He wanted to go. He nodded.
“Honey. Go. I’ll be here when you come back. Or I won’t. Live like a Ranger. No regrets.”
“Yeah.”
She put her hand on his face once more.
“You’ve got so much of your mother in you. Promise me something. When it’s time to be done, you’ll be done. Okay?”
He wasn’t sure what that meant, but he nodded.
“Yeah. I promise.”
The front door opened, and she patted his arm.
“Go on. I’ll see you next trip.”
He hugged her and went to help Samantha load her bags and his own into the back of the Cruiser.
“You mind if I call Alexander?” she asked.
“What?”
“To tell him we’re going… see if he wants to meet us there.”
He thought of the conversation on the back porch.
“He makes you happy,” he said. She nodded.
“Silly, dumb, pointless happy,” she said.
“Call him,” Sam said. “See if he wants to meet us in Memphis.”
<><><>
They got wings in Memphis, then went out drinking. By accident, they ended up in a country bar with line dancing. Jason threatened to walk out, but Alexander convinced him to give the place a shot. Alexander and Samantha ended up in the midst of it, laughing and playing.
“So,” Jason said. “Carolin
e, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“You’ve only known her since we were seventeen,” Jason said.
“I know. It was just… Different.”
“Good for you, man. How is she?”
“I’m not going to talk to you about that with her, either,” Sam said. Jason set his bottle down.
“I am hurt - hurt - that you immediately assume I’m asking about sex.”
“Weren’t you?”
“Well, I can pretend like I wasn’t, and you’ll never prove otherwise,” Jason said. Sam smiled. “So how is she, not talking about sex?”
“She’s good. Just switched Seekers. No one’s telling her if it’s an upgrade or not; she thinks it’s lateral. Learning how to work with her. Made me promise to make it to Little Rock.”
“Oh, we are not missing Little Rock,” Jason said.
“How long has it been since you saw Kara?” Sam asked. Jason glowered at him.
“You know exactly how long. Don’t start that.”
“I’m just saying. Sam’s got a guy. I’m starting something with Caroline. Maybe you should call Kara and see where she is.”
“No.”
“Why not? You think she’d turn her nose up at a week on the beach?”
“Sam, I’m not going to tell you again.”
“I’m just saying,” Sam said. Jason set his beer down.
“That’s it. Outside. Now.”
Sam grinned.
“Sam demolished you this morning. I’m not fighting you. That wouldn’t be fair.”
“Oh, buddy, you have no idea who you’re messing with, now. I’ve got magic powers to beat your ass. You picked a fight. Come finish it.”
Sam finished his beer and stood, pulling cash out of his wallet and tugging at Samantha’s attention. They’d be back in a few minutes. She waved without looking. He followed Jason outside into an alley, where Jason turned and spread his arms.
“You want to say something to me, Sam? Say it.”
“You’re in love with her. Always have been, always will be.”
“Kara is the sexiest woman to ever walk the planet, no arguments from me, but I’m not you. I’m never going to grow up into whatever little domestic bliss dream you and your little old lady friends have cooked up for me. You got it?”
Jason was smiling, daring Sam to push it. Sam shrugged.
“Look, if you’re afraid, I get it…”