"You promised me, Siena. You promised you'd talk to me." His voice was rough with emotion. Raw. Worried.
"That's before I knew you were such a liar. I've had enough of your lies." She wanted to shout at him, but her voice came out a whisper. "It hurt. What you did to me hurt. At least Paolo was honest. He didn't try to make me believe he would ever be good to me. Protect me. He didn't ever tell me I was safe with him."
He frowned down at her, shaking her head. "I don't know what you thought you heard, mi vida, but whatever it was, it wasn't what I said."
"Elijah, please get off me. Please." She wasn't above begging. She couldn't stand his touch. She didn't want to smell him, or feel him, or even see him. She tried her best not to hear his lying voice. He sounded torn up. Not angry, but hurt. As if she'd done something wrong, not him.
"You'd go to Alonzo?" he asked. He sounded tortured. "Mi amorcito. That doesn't even make sense. You're so mixed up, and until I know what you think you heard, I can't make this better."
"You can never make this better because I don't believe you. I. Don't. Believe. You." She enunciated each word, biting it out between her teeth for emphasis.
Elijah stared down into Siena's face, seeing the stark hurt there. He'd put that look in her eyes and caused the terrible pain that was evident. She wasn't good at hiding her emotions, and he could see the pain was very real. Somehow, and he wasn't certain how, he'd made her doubt him all over again.
He wanted to curse. To hit something. Someone. He knew he was a violent man. He'd been raised in violence and he knew he would always have that reaction, but not with Siena. She got his gentle. She got his heart and soul. He'd shredded something important in her, taken her self-esteem, her confidence, with the things he'd said to her after the first time they'd had sex.
He couldn't take it all back, and he wanted it done between them. Over. He'd apologized more than once. He'd explained. He couldn't have blown this. Siena was too important. There was no one else. There had never been anyone else. He was a fucking robot, and he knew if she left him, he was lost. Not even Drake would be able to pull him back from the edge. That was how far gone he was.
He dropped his forehead to hers, pressing into her. Breathing her in. Needing her. What the hell did a normal man do when he'd ripped out his woman's heart? She was alone. Pregnant. Emotional. He'd clearly gutted her, but he didn't know exactly what he'd done. What he said. He tried to go over the conversation with Drake in his mind, replaying it, but he'd been furious. He'd wanted to strangle Drake with his bare hands.
He hadn't wanted to lay his life out in front of her. Or their future life. Not until he was absolutely certain she would stay with him of her own free will. He'd been so close. What the hell had happened? He felt lost. He'd never been in a relationship, and he didn't know the first thing about them. He was floundering and Siena was far too important to him to be taking chances with saying something wrong. Still, he had nothing to give her but the truth.
"All right, baby, let's start at the beginning. I know you're upset. I see that. I promised you that you would be safe with me. I gave you my word and I meant it. That shooter shouldn't have gotten anywhere near the property, let alone within distance to fire on us. On you. I was angry. Furious. I wanted to rip Drake's head off. You should never have been in any danger. Not even a little bit."
She didn't reply. She kept her eyes closed. Her body was stiff. He wasn't getting anywhere. But he wasn't giving up. Nothing was more important than this moment in his life. He had to take away the hurt. For both of them. He didn't know a human being could hurt so much. He felt raw on the inside, just as gutted as she was. Maybe more so because he'd caused this. The ugly, hurtful things he'd said to her had contributed to her believing he was playing her. How could she have gotten that from his conversation with Drake?
"Baby, please. I need a little help here. I need you to look at me. I need you to talk to me. I say things when I'm pissed. I know that. And I was royally pissed at Drake. By bringing you here, I put you in jeopardy. Hell." He spat the last word and rolled off of her to lie on his back, both hands pressed to his eyes. Eyes that burned like a son of a bitch.
She didn't move. He took a deep breath and tried to control the fear snaking through him, knotting his belly and putting bile in his throat. He tried to remember every single thing he'd said to Drake, but all he could hear was her accusations.
You didn't fuck me because you wanted me. Because I meant something to you. This was all a charade. You made the ultimate sacrifice, didn't you? You had to have me in your bed. The worst you ever had.
He groaned softly. He was never going to live that down, no matter how many times he apologized to her.
Let's see if I can remember this right, because there was a moment when you were so angry you told the truth. My amateur performance, I believe you called it. The worst cocksucker you ever experienced. Those words are branded on my brain, but I was stupid enough to let you make me forget them for a moment.
What had he said to Drake that would have brought all of that back when they'd been doing so great together?
"What did I say, Siena? What did you hear that set you off? That made you believe I lied to you? Baby, you have to tell me. I swear to you, I don't know what I said that you could have misconstrued."
Beside him, she stiffened, a small sound escaping, as if she wanted to yell at him, or hit him. Scratch his eyes out. He wished she'd try. At least he'd have something to work with. He turned on his side toward her, his arm locking around her waist, dragging her resisting body into his. He caught her hand and forced it down to his cock, holding her palm over the thick erection there.
"Do you really think I could fake this? Do you, Siena? Never in my life have I walked around with a permanent hard-on--until you came into my life. I can't look at you without wanting you. It isn't possible."
He studied her face, her averted eyes. Closed off. Hell. She wouldn't even look at him. But there was genuine pain there. She wasn't faking that. This wasn't some little manipulative tantrum she was throwing. Whatever she thought she heard had ripped her apart.
Siena tried to pull her hand out from under Elijah's. His erection felt huge, hot. It pulsed with life. She couldn't help but feel the velvet-soft flared head and the thick steel spike of a shaft, the way it throbbed with need, calling out to her for attention. She didn't know if men could fake that kind of thing. She heard the raw pain in his voice, and his tone rang with truth. But she'd heard him. It wasn't idle gossip she'd listened to--she'd heard him with her own ears. She hated the look on his face. So torn up. If she looked at him, she'd burst into tears and throw herself into his arms. She couldn't be that stupid. She'd already humiliated herself twice for him.
"Baby."
She closed her eyes. When he called her baby in his gentle, rough-with-need voice, everything in her responded. Melted. He was getting to her, because she heard the ring of truth in his tone, she heard the genuine pain.
"You have to stop, Elijah," she burst out. She struggled to get her hand back again. His hold tightened, both on her hand and the arm locked around her waist. "I heard you." He might sound truthful now, but he had then as well.
"All right, I'll accept that you heard something, mi amor, something that has really upset you. Something that made you think I was lying to you." Elijah's voice was soft, almost stroking caresses over her skin. "Tell me what I said, because I swear to you, I don't have any recollection of a conversation with Drake that could possibly make you believe I'm lying about wanting to be with you."
She bit her lip hard and maintained her silence. If she moved she was afraid she would shatter. She had already made herself so vulnerable to him, she feared if she let him in even a little more, if she cracked that door again, she would be lost. Already she felt broken, and she knew she couldn't take any more.
His hand rubbed hers over the thick bulge, and her heart nearly stopped. That bulge had grown, gotten even harder.
"Siena, y
ou can't offer me the world and then take it away from me. Do you have any idea what my life was like before you came into it? Bleak. Lonely. Violent. One of my earliest memories was of my grandfather blowing a man's brains out. I saw it. The blood spattered everywhere, all over the walls. All over me. I was there when they beat a man to death. I think I was about six when that happened. When I threw up, my grandfather beat me while his men all laughed."
Her entire body jerked. She gasped, her breath catching in her throat. She'd been lonely as a child, but she'd been happy.
"I was trained from the time I was a boy in the use of guns, knives, martial arts, boxing, kickboxing and good old street fighting. I knew I was going to be an enforcer in my family's world. That was my job, and I did it from a very early age. You don't have friends. You don't dare care about a lover. You keep to yourself. If you're the son or grandson or nephew of a Lospostos, you're always a target."
He was killing her. He couldn't tell her this. She didn't want to feel anything at all for him or for that little boy growing up. She'd been safe in boarding school with bodyguards all around her. He'd been fighting to stay alive. She heard the truth and knew what it meant. He didn't have to spell it all out for her.
"Stop," she whispered, because already her fingers, of their own volition, wrapped around his thick cock, holding him tight in her fist, as if she could hold him close and keep him safe that way. "You have to stop, Elijah."
"My uncle murdered my parents. He wanted to be the sole power in the Lospostos family, and my father was taking us in a direction my uncle didn't want to go. He threatened to kill my sister if I didn't cooperate with him. He turned me into a killer, Siena. For years, that's all I was. That was my life."
"Stop," she whispered again. She couldn't stop her body from turning into his. She wanted to be strong. She sternly told herself to be strong. Where was her sense of self-preservation? She was an idiot for listening to him. For letting him tell her these things. So personal. So deep, so real she knew no one else had ever heard the things he was saying to her. "Elijah, don't."
"I'm not going to let you go." He moved suddenly, his body rolling back over hers, his chest pressed to hers, his hips wedged between her thighs. One hand spanned her throat and his beautiful, exotic molten eyes moved over her face, a brooding, hooded perusal that stole her breath.
"I can't let you go. I brought you here instead of locking you in a safe house until all this shit was over because I believed Drake and the team could protect you. I believed that. I know Drake. He's the best there is, and he was certain this was the best place to keep you safe. I agreed with his assessment, but maybe I wanted you so much I didn't think it through."
His tone was a sensual rasp. His hard cock pressed tight against her mound, and against her will she felt an answering heat in her core.
"You have to know who I am, Siena."
His hands framed her face, forcing her head around until she had no choice but to look at him. That was a mistake, just as she'd known it would be. He looked ravaged with pain. So much. Her heart broke for him, compassion and caring slithering through her own heartbreak and humiliation in spite of her desire to stay strong and hard against him.
She tried to shake her head, to stop him from telling her things he should never tell anyone. He should never ever say aloud.
"I'm a killer. Straight up. That's who I am. That's what they made me. My own flesh and blood. My grandfather. My father. My uncle. I was never a little boy playing baseball with my friends. I was the little boy learning how to beat the brains out of someone with the baseball bat. I was learning the ropes of the family business and how to defend it. How to hurt others and scare and intimidate them into doing whatever the family wanted or needed. So you have to know, baby, you're in my bed and I'm touching you, you're in bed with that man. The hands touching your beautiful body are hands that beat people. That hurt them. That killed."
"Elijah." Her voice broke. Tears blurred her vision. "You have to stop."
"I can't say any one of those I was sent after was innocent, because they weren't, but still, that's what they made me into, my own family, that's what they made me into."
She could barely breathe with the pain she saw in his eyes. On his face. It was raw and terrible. "Honey." She breathed it, trying to find balance. Trying not to wrap him up in her. She needed to help him, but she was terrified of losing herself again in him and being torn apart. She didn't think she could put herself back together.
"I live in hell, Siena. That's my world and I have no fucking right to drag you down with me, but I can't stop myself. You're the one thing in my life that's worth anything. I can't let go of you, no matter how much I know I should. I'm not that strong. I can't come to you as an innocent. You are innocent and beautiful. Your body is. Your mind is. Your heart and soul. You think I don't feel the weight of that every fucking minute I spend with you? You gave yourself to me, Siena. You chose me and I'm going to do everything in my power, with everything that I am, to protect you. To cherish you. To keep you exactly the way you are. Innocent and beautiful. But I can't give you up. Don't ask that of me, because, baby, I swear, I'm not that strong."
There were tears in his eyes. He blinked them away, but she saw them. He couldn't take that back any more than he could take back the things he'd revealed to her. She was more confused than ever. Her arms slid around him, holding him to her and already, her body had softened, melting a little so that he sank into her. She took his weight because she needed to.
"So, I'm telling you, baby. I'm not fucking asking. Tell me what the hell you overheard that has you this upset. Right now, before I lose my mind."
She took a breath. Let it out. "You're asking me to put myself in your hands all over again, Elijah. You hurt me."
"No, baby, you're still not getting it." He ground the words out between his teeth. His body moved against hers and there was nothing subtle about what it was saying. "You're already in my hands. I'm holding you to me and I'm never letting you go. It isn't going to happen, so we work this shit out now. You promised me, Siena, and you're going to keep that promise no matter what you hear, what you think you hear or what kind of bastard you think I am."
She stared up at his face, her heart beating fast. His mask was back, the tortured look gone. He was back to hard. Implacable. He meant what he said. "Do you think scaring me is going to make me want to stay, Elijah?"
"I don't care how I get you to stay. Just that you do. You're the only good thing I have in my life. The only good thing. I'm not letting you leave because of bullshit. You have to know that about me, baby. I don't deal well with bullshit. We're gonna fight. That's what happens to couples occasionally. We're both leopard. That means we're passionate and have tempers. You're going to have to be able to deal."
She frowned at him. "You're acting like what you said wasn't huge, Elijah. I have every right to be upset."
"I'm not saying you don't think it was huge. I'm saying learn to deal. You leave me, I'm coming after you."
"Elijah," she warned.
"No, baby. This is me. Telling you. Getting through to you what kind of man your man is. If I didn't know how you feel about me, it might be different, but you want me the same way I want you. I wouldn't be able to rip your heart out if you didn't. So I'm saying, as long as you feel that, you're staying and we're working it out."
She didn't want to talk about it or think about it or relive it. Her gaze slid away from his.
He caught her chin. "No, mi vida. We deal with this now. Tell me what the hell happened from the time I took you to the bedroom to when I walked out of my office and saw you look like someone had ripped your heart out."
She jerked her chin out of his hand, wishing she could find anger again. She didn't know what she felt, but it wasn't anger. "You said it was a sacrifice to be with me," she whispered. She couldn't keep the hurt and shame from her voice.
He scowled. Fury gathered in his eyes. "The hell I did."
"I heard yo
u. Drake said everyone had to make sacrifices, and you said it wasn't him making it. That was after you said I was in your bed." Just repeating it made her heart ache and her stomach rebel.
Siena didn't take her eyes from his. She wanted to see what kind of reaction he had, and there was no mistaking the dawning of realization as well as genuine relief. He shook his head. "Baby." He whispered it softly and then leaned in to bury his face between her shoulder and neck.
She felt the rasp of the shadow along his jaw. She felt his lips moving against her neck. She felt something damp against her skin. Her hands slid into his hair, fingers sifting through the dark, thick waves as he held her tight to him.
"I guess I took something out of context?" She felt still inside, but hope had blossomed, and there was no turning it back.
"Yeah, mi amorcito, you definitely took something out of context," he answered. His mouth moved to her earlobe, his teeth gently tugging. He slid his tongue along the smooth shell and then dipped behind it, sending a shiver through her body. "You must have come in on the end of all our argument. I was furious at Drake. I still am."
"Elijah," she said softly. "What did I get wrong?"
"You were the one making the sacrifice. Not me. You. You're the innocent caught up in all this. In the hell that's my life. From the beginning, I wanted you protected. We knew what the others would think and we knew some of them would make a move against us, but Drake assured me this place was impenetrable and that his men would be able to keep all of it from you."
"All of what?" They were in dangerous territory now and she knew it. She was about to learn things she would have to take time to process.
"If your grandfather's businesses are aligned with mine, we would control more territory than any other boss. We would have unparalleled power. None of the other bosses want that. Most will back off, but a few are going to try to stop it. Drake wanted to draw them out."
"What does Drake have to do with crime lords?"
"He and Jake take apart their businesses. We have to identify each family and then figure out what they're doing and then take them apart."
She smoothed his hair. He'd said we have to identify them, as if he was part of Drake's operation and not a part of the underworld, but she didn't ask him. Not yet. Not when he needed to explain what she'd heard.
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