by Kay Lyons
FOR THE NEXT couple of weeks Luke worked around the house or the mill house every day, rain or shine. Whether Shelby worked or had the day off, whether she wanted him there or not. Each day he watched her with that sad expression on his face and her heart broke a little more. It was so hard not to respond to him, not to want to comfort him. She could tell he was hurting.
She could also tell that Luke was getting tired of her silence, of the treatment he received from her, and even though she told herself to talk, to speak up, something held her back. No doubt her selfish nature.
She liked listening to Luke, liked the things he said to her.
He always asked how she felt, if she’d eaten. Did she see that her mums were blooming? The leaves were gorgeous this year. The mill house was coming along nicely. She’d be open ahead of schedule.
She looked beautiful.
What woman didn’t want to feel beautiful? She didn’t want to encourage him, but she still shivered every time Luke caught her unaware and brushed the hair from her face, stroked his knuckles down her arm or placed his hand on her back to gain her attention and show her something.
She even made lists of reasons they couldn’t be together. Children. Luke’s joy in thinking he was going to be a father indicated how very much he wanted children, something she might not ever be able to give him. But she also knew his love would never be restricted to a blood child. Luke was like Jerry in that aspect, and he’d love any child, no matter where it came from.
Job. She had to be realistic. Luke’s future in gaming meant being close to the action, and that meant residing in California. To her this was a huge obstacle. But before she’d lost the baby hadn’t she already thought of dividing their time in the two places? Her father was a foreman used to managing people. Maybe he’d run the restaurant for her during the winter months when his construction work ground to a halt?
Luke’s family. She loved them but could she really put up with them butting in whenever they felt? Alex was her friend but her comments hurt. Having to listen to that kind of bluntness would take more patience than Shelby possessed. But she had put up with it since kindergarten and, in truth and until now, she’d liked having that constant in her life.
That’s it? Three things? That’s all you could come up with?
Throwing the last of the trash she’d dragged out of the mill house into the dumpster, she jumped back when a bumblebee buzzed so close to her face she felt the breeze created by its wings. Her heart thumped hard in her chest and the air left her lungs in a gush, and she laughed at her silly reaction.
But it was a similar reaction to how she felt with Luke. She’d never admit to the belly-clenching, spine-tingling, heart-in-her-throat rush she got whenever he was near. Still it was true, and if weeks of closeness with Luke left her feeling so out of her depth, what would a year be like? Two? She had to stay strong, not let him wear her down. He’d get fed up with her moods and her baggage and stupid issues and walk away for good. It was only a matter of time and she’d best stop thinking he meant what he said, that he’d changed his mind and regretted walking out.
Call her a coward but she’d spent her childhood in limbo twenty-four/seven over just this type of thing. Coming home from school had always been an adventure of whether or not her parents had had a fight and were still together. No way would she live her adulthood worried and afraid of the same thing happening. Maybe Alex was right about some things, but she was definitely wrong about others.
Nothing was worth the fear of loving something you couldn’t control.
LUKE FELT Jerry’s stare and braced himself. “Whatever it is, just say it.”
The man Shelby considered her father took his ball cap off and wiped a red patterned hanky over his head. “Just commiserating, son. I’ve been in your shoes many a time.”
Luke stilled, the wood trim piece forgotten in his hands. How much longer could this go on? “Any advice?”
Four weeks had passed since the accident and miscarriage and even though he’d spent every morning and evening with Shelby, she kept him at arm’s length. She wouldn’t go anywhere with him, wouldn’t attend church or family functions. He’d resorted to using any excuse to touch her, talk to her—and for a guy better with a computer than words, that took a lot of effort.
“None worth taking. I seemed to always do the wrong thing with Pat. I guess if I did offer up something, it would be to remember some people have to lose a good thing before they appreciate it.”
“Shelby and I have both learned that lesson the hard way.”
“No, son. I didn’t mean the baby. Shelby’s testing your sticking power. She did the same thing to me whenever her mother and I got back together.”
Luke wasn’t about to thank Jerry for the events that contributed to Shelby’s abandonment issues.
“Some people learn quick, but others take longer,” the man continued. “Shelby’s one of them.”
Jerry held the trim piece in place with one hand and motioned for Luke to grab the nail gun to fasten it to the window’s frame.
“Shelby Lynn might not be my true blood daughter, but she gets that from me. You love her. I can tell. I knew it the first time you drove the girls home after one of their sleepovers. You couldn’t take your eyes off Shelby even though you blushed every time she glanced your way.”
Luke put his head down with a groan. Those weren’t his best years.
Neither is this one.
“I guess what I’m saying is that some people have to hit rock bottom before they wake up and swim. You’re fighting, but Shelby’s still floating through the muck of what her mother and I did to her.”
Luke pulled the trigger and the blast of compressed air shooting the nail into place filled the mill house.
“She’s afraid to try because if she doesn’t, she can’t be disappointed again. Her mother and me, losing the baby…you.”
Luke set the gun aside and grabbed another piece of precut trim. “How do I fight that fear? She’s afraid of failing, but not trying to make it work is failing.” He didn’t like the look in Jerry’s eyes.
“You can’t beat it, son. You’re not a boy with a crush anymore. You see Shelby’s faults and you love her anyway, but that fear in her is bigger than you and until she gets control, nothing you do is gonna win her over. Son, I never thought the day would come when I would say this to the man married to my daughter, but sometimes a man has to know when to walk away and hope what you’re wanting comes after you.”
LUKE WAS ABOUT READY to pack up for the day when he heard slow, measured footsteps approaching the mill house. He hesitated, then continued what he was doing.
“I’ll repay you everything I owe you for materials as soon as I can.”
“Consider it all a wedding gift.” He turned to look at her and had a hard time biting back the words that came to his lips. He hadn’t seen Shelby much in the past couple days but she looked even worse than before—gaunt and exhausted and wound too tight. He stared at her, hating the situation they were in, knowing it could be easier if she’d bend a little and realize the baby wasn’t the end. But first he had to acknowledge that Jerry was right.
He’d walked away from Anne-Marie to be the man he needed to be. He needed to do the same here. Staying so close to Shelby certainly wasn’t helping her face what had happened. They’d grown close and it had been acceptable to her so long as the baby was a buffer, but without it she was too scared to trust his feelings for her—and perhaps hers for him?
Heart heavy and aching, Luke finished staining the last section and wrapped the brush up to clean later, then headed out onto the porch for the fresh air he needed to do what he had to do. “The fumes are getting to me,” he said as he seated himself on the steps.
After a minute or two, Shelby followed.
“Beautiful night, eh?” Fireflies danced over the grass, the sight bringing memories long buried. Smiling sadly, he got up again and stepped off the porch, headed out into the darkness of the yard t
hat would soon be a parking lot for Shelby’s dream come true.
“What are you doing?”
Luke reached out and caught one of the fireflies in his palms, carrying it back to her. She wouldn’t take it. “You remember now.” He heard her swallow, the sound audible over the crickets and frogs and whip-poor-wills in the woods behind them. How many nights had his brothers and sister, Gram and Granddad, and Shelby spent out under the stars like this?
His grandfather had loved to tell stories and he’d told them fireflies lit up because they were promises someone had made but hadn’t kept. So many promises.
Careful of his winged friend, Luke snagged her hand in his and opened her fingers, gently pressed so that the lightning bug crawled into her palm. “I made you a promise. And I want to keep it. But day after day you won’t give me anything in return. No friendship, no thought of reconciliation. No hope. I need more.”
“I—”
“Let me finish.” Luke stared down at their hands, his chest tight. “We got close for a while. That last weekend before…It was everything we should’ve been. I know you need time to recover from the miscarriage, but I need some kind of sign or signal, something to hold on to right now. I’m tired of beating my head against the wall, Shelby. I’m tired of the way things are between us.”
“The baby is gone.”
“Yes, it is. But I married you because I love you.” Luke lifted his head and looked her square in the face, letting her see everything he felt.
She closed her eyes. “No.”
“Yes,” he countered softly. “Maybe the circumstances weren’t ideal and maybe we rushed things, but I love you. And I don’t ever want you to doubt that. Especially now when…”
“When what? Why are you saying this?”
“Because I’m tired of settling. I want a wife who loves me as much as I love her. I want to be with someone who trusts me and wants me enough to share her fears and her secrets and know I’d never deliberately do anything to hurt her. Shelby, I want a marriage like my parents have and my grandparents had. But this isn’t it.”
She tried to pull away but he wouldn’t let her. His hands tightened over hers, the bug inside lighting up every few seconds. “This is my promise,” he stated roughly. “My vow to you. But you have to decide if you’re going to keep it or throw it away. The choice is yours.”
Luke released her hands, staying close because he wouldn’t take that step unless he had to. He saw Shelby’s throat work as she swallowed, heard the rasp of her breathing and still he waited for her to speak, to say something, to fight. For them and their marriage, for herself and the future they could have if she’d only try.
But without a word she opened her hands and he watched as the lightning bug lit up and took flight, joining the others around them.
Luke watched it go, his gut in knots, his lungs burning. Then he turned and walked away from the woman he’d always loved.
Chapter 20
YOU LOOKING for something?”
Shelby turned and saw her father staring at her with a knowing glint in his eyes. Two days had passed since Luke had left. Two long, lonely, horrible days. So why was she still waiting for him to come back? “No. Just noticing the windows need cleaning.”
“Might as well wait. They’re just going to get dirty again.” He set down the wheelbarrow he pushed and began loading the last of the boxes that had accumulated from installing the many light fixtures. “Luke has an interview today. If you’re interested.”
An interview? Just like that? She feigned indifference. “Good for him.”
“I’m checking out early today.”
“Oh?”
“I got a date with your mother.”
Shelby shook her head, so lost in her thoughts she wasn’t sure she’d heard him right. “Huh?”
Jerry lifted his shoulder in a shrug. “We’re like two old shoes, I guess. One’s no good without the other.”
“But…again?”
“You think I’m a glutton for punishment.”
“Most definitely.”
“I think I’m a fool for love.” A low rumble left his stocky chest. “Your mother isn’t all that bad, Shelby.”
She shook her head, dazed. “I know that. I love Mom. She’s loud and needy and a pain in the butt, but I love her. She’s been great ever since the accident.” They’d gotten closer, like a mother and daughter should be. But a part of Shelby still held back, afraid to be burned by her mother again.
“I know.”
“So…why?”
“It hit me after all this with you and Luke. That accident you had could’ve killed you. If that airbag hadn’t deployed and your seat belt hadn’t held, you could’ve flown right through the windshield. Every day I see that tear in the ditch and the tarp covering your car out back, and I think about what could’ve happened. It’s made me realize I’ve wasted a lot of years because of stubborn pride and foolish jealousy.”
“You accused her of cheating while you were married.”
He stared at the newly waxed concrete floor beneath their feet. “I was angry.”
“So? What about trust? You know what a flirt she is. Are you going to trust her, or walk out every time you and Mom fight?”
He thought that over a moment. “I trust her. And walking out and cooling off is better than saying something else I might regret. Besides, I don’t recall seeing you let Luke off the hook when he was sticking around.”
“But he’s not sticking around now, is he? He left and you just said he had an interview. Considering the kind of work he does, it’s probably with some company in California.” Even as she said the words, even as she dared her father to answer honestly if he knew, she felt her lungs seizing up. She really wished she hadn’t been proved right, but she’d known all along that he’d leave.
You drove him away. There is a difference.
“It is. Some competitor of that place where he used to work.” Her father gave her a pitying stare. “Shelby Lynn, you can’t expect a man to go jobless when you won’t give him the time of day.” He grabbed his tool belt. “Sometimes a man has to leave to prove he’s worth wanting.”
Shelby blinked, shock ripping through her. “You told him to leave me? What kind of father does that?”
Jerry gave her his strictest look, one reserved for missed curfews and swearwords. “The kind who wants you to be better than me and your mama raised you to be. That boy is a fine man. And if you can’t be a wife, you need to let him go find someone who can. I see the love on your face when you look at him but your pride and fear is getting in the way, just like mine always did. You pushed him away but you want him. Be woman enough to admit it.”
He waited, then shook his head at her silence. “Shelby Lynn, I’ve picked more than my share of the fights. I was always so sure your mother would leave me for Bennington that I pushed her away. She couldn’t hurt me that way. Sound familiar?” he asked dryly. “But now Bennington is gone and I’m going to get my wife back, once and for all.”
“Let me know when the wedding is. What do you get for a sixth marriage?” Sarcasm laced her words, unearthed from deep inside. Would it be a repeat of the past?
“Stubborn as all get-out,” he complained. “Time is wasting, girl. Love doesn’t come around often and when it’s right in front of you, a person needs to hold on with both hands before they lose it for good. You really want to spend your life alone? Lock up behind you when you’re done. I don’t want to be late.”
* * *
LUKE LISTENED to the offer being made and tried to hide the surge of excitement rushing through him. Better money, the ability to build his own team, stock ownership and a vested interest in the company. Partnership after one year in a company that would go head-to-head with Anne-Marie and Galaxy Games. He couldn’t help it. There was a huge sense of satisfaction in being able to outperform her, maybe even bring John and some of the others over to his side of things.
“What do you think?”
&
nbsp; Luke stared at Jimmy James, a former LCD like himself. Jimmy had started his own company two years ago and made a name for himself from the get-go, possibly because of his ability to predict trends. As far as companies went, Jimmy’s Doghouse Games was a great move professionally—under the right circumstances. “I think I—”
Jimmy’s cell phone vibrated against the battered wood table where they sat at the Old Coyote, cutting off Luke’s response.
“Sorry. These things are evil, aren’t they?” Jimmy picked up the phone to see the number. “It’s my wife. I left her at her parents’ house in Nashville. She misses home so much we come to visit a couple times a year. Mind if I take this?”
Luke shook his head. “No, not at all. Go ahead.”
“Be right back.” Jimmy stood and answered the call, holding a finger to his ear to block out the sound of the jukebox as he walked away.
Luke stared at the offer in front of him but jerked his head up when a chair thumped against the table.
“Do I want to know what that is?” Nick asked, straddling the chair and crossing his arms over the back.
“Don’t get comfortable. You can’t stay, I’m in an interview.”
Nick’s scowl deepened. “Didn’t recognize him. Is he from Nashville?”
“No.” Nick waited for him to elaborate and Luke sighed. “The company is in California. Look, the guy took time out of his family vacation to meet with me, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything to the family. I’ll tell them myself.”
“So you’re taking the job?”
He’d be the world’s biggest idiot if he didn’t.
“What about Shelby?”
“She wants a divorce.”
Nick released a deep sigh. “I’m sorry to hear that. But why leave? Luke, listen…I came over here because I saw the guy and guessed you had something going on. But now I have to know if you’re leaving because you still feel weird about how things were between us.”