Sage stoner advice aside, she asked, “You grew up in Bellevue?” Jamie knew CT came from a different neighborhood than Javi and Ryder, but she didn’t know his parents were wealthy.
CT brought his finger to his lips. “Shh, our little secret,” he grinned.
“Where did you go to high school?” Jamie was genuinely curious. Javi was the joker, he even had the Batman obsession to prove it. Ryder was brooding and artsy, he had the emotions to prove it. But CT was a mystery.
“Jefferson Prep.”
“No way?!” she shrieked. “I went to St. Andrew’s. We killed you guys in basketball. My roommate dated a guy on the team. We were at all the games. Did you play?”
CT bristled. “No. Organized sports weren’t my thing, unless you count bagging cheerleaders?”
“No,” Jamie rolled her eyes. She went in for another bite of pie. Maybe it wasn’t horrible, now that the disappointment of it not being from the diner waned.
“You gonna tell me what you two were fighting about?”
“I would if I could,” she sighed. “I thought we were in a good place, then tonight he was so up and down. I don’t know what happened.”
“Huh,” he grunted, taking another bite of pie.
“What, huh?”
“He’s been a little bitch all week, more so than usual. I just assumed it was you.”
“Nope,” she said popping her lips on the ‘P’, “and fuck you for saying that.”
“Can you blame me?” he asked earnestly. “You guys either make love or war, there’s no in between.”
“You think it could have something to do with his mom?” Jamie asked, choosing to ignore the accurate assessment of her relationship.
CT shrugged, “I don’t know. He pretends he’s okay with the way they left things, but Ry and Annette are close. It’s gotta be fucking with him.”
“It’s fucking with her,” Jamie said absently.
“How do you know?”
“I go to the diner sometimes,” she confessed. Ryder hated it, but she didn’t agree with his “cut Annette out” philosophy and she was never good with rules.
“Why won’t you let him in?” CT asked out of nowhere. They were talking about Ryder and Annette’s issues, not hers.
Stunned, Jamie answered, “He’s as in as anyone has ever been, even more than my little brother and my best friend. It’s just hard for me. In my world, relationships are contracts and marriages are business deals.”
“I get that. I do, but Kitty Cat, he’s in love with you.” CT’s eyes bled sincerity.
“I know. I told him to stop, but he won’t listen.”
“Do you love him?” he asked, bluntly.
“I don’t know,” she whispered.
“That’s bullshit,” CT said. He let the fork drop onto the table with a loud clatter. “I see you two together. It’s written in the air surrounding you.”
“I can’t be what he needs. I should have ended this a long time ago, but I’m selfish and lonely.” It was cathartic, speaking these truths to Ryder’s best friend, words she’d been too afraid to speak to the man who needed to hear them.
“Why don’t you tell him that?”
“Because he’ll want to fix me.”
“Is that such a bad thing?”
Was it?
Jamie wasn’t sure. She spent so much time in the darkness, would she even know how to behave in the light?
“What if he destroys me?” she muttered, running her tattoo along her lip. Last fall had nearly ruined her. She didn’t think she could survive another loss.
“What if he doesn’t?” CT challenged.
“What if I’m not strong enough to take that risk?”
“But that’s just it, Kitty Cat, you’re stronger than all of us combined. Let go, give in to the chaos. You might get burned, you might even lose a piece of your heart, but then, something kind of amazing happens. You pull yourself together, and take that first breath towards healing and I swear to God, it’s the most freeing feeling in the world.”
“How’d you get so fucking smart?” she asked, blinking back the tears. Jamie would have never guessed the drummer from Bellevue would be so insightful.
“I’ve been where you are,” he smirked, “and will you look at that, I’m still standing.
Ryder groaned, pressing his eyelids shut. His body contorted, one foot was draped over the tub, and the other jammed against the toilet, while his cheek stuck to the hard tile of the bathroom wall.
He was cold, naked, and felt like shit.
Like dog shit.
Like dog shit that had been left on the sidewalk under the sun on a 100-degree day.
Another fucking hangover all because he let his anger and jealousy get the best of him. The grown-up thing to do would have been to call Jamie the minute Jared had left Cibo, but his pride stopped him. Ryder wanted Kitty Cat to tell him about her trust. He wanted her to finally open up to him. He wanted them to be able to work through shit together like a real couple, but instead of telling her what he wanted, he pouted for a fucking week.
Prying his cheek off the tile, Ryder managed to push his way to his feet. As he stumbled down the hall towards his bedroom, images of the night before flashed in his mind. As soon as they stepped out of the Uber, Jamie and Ryder sprinted to his room. Clothes went flying in every direction and he had her pinned to the bed within minutes. That’s when the room started to spin and everything went foggy.
Ryder tip-toed into his room. Jamie was lying diagonally across his bed, wearing one of his t-shirts and a bright green thong. He placed a kiss on her ass before slipping into a pair of boxers and snagging the half-full bottle of water off the nightstand, chugging it down in two gulps.
Ryder stared at the bed, trying to figure out the best way to lie down without waking up Kitty Cat. After a few failed attempts, Jamie grimaced, “You almost threw up on me,” and rolled onto her side of the bed.
“I’m sorry,” Ryder chuckled. He climbed into bed and pulled her flush against him.
“Why were you drinking so much anyway?” she yawned.
Ryder debated whether he was going to tell her, but decided he couldn’t keep behaving like a drunken lunatic. “I think we should talk.”
“Me too,” she whispered, stilling beneath him.
“Jared came to Cibo and offered me thirty thousand dollars to break up with you. He said you were being stubborn and you needed a little push, that your dad freezing your trust wasn’t enough.”
“He what?” she shrieked, turning so she could look at him. “When?”
Ryder tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Last week. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t take the money and I didn’t want you to feel like you were property.”
“You didn’t take the money?” Jamie gawked at him like he was certifiable.
“Fuck no, Kitty Cat. You’re worth more than that.”
“I know I am,” she said, pushing up into a seated position. “You know, I am. Jared and my dad know too, but you still should have taken the jackasses money.”
Ryder looked at her incredulously. “I wouldn’t take a cent from him.”
“You are too good,” Jamie laughed. “If it were me, I’d have taken it, then sent him a video of us fucking on top of it.”
“That’s probably the most savage thing I’ve ever heard you say.” Ryder pulled her back into his arms and kissed the top of her head. “Why didn’t you tell me about your trust?”
Jamie shrugged. “Because it doesn’t matter and I didn’t want you to feel like it was your fault.”
“It kind of is, though, Kitty Cat. I might never be able to buy you the things Jared can.”
“I’m not with you because of money,” she insisted. “I grew up with money and I’m way more fucked up than most people.”
“I grew up without money and let me tell you, problems are exponentially more difficult when you’re too broke to solve them.” Money couldn’t buy happiness but it did buy s
tability. Ryder didn’t have a job and struggled to provide for himself. Jamie deserved the life someone like Jared could give her, but no one would ever love her as much as he did.
“What is it with you guys acting like I’m going to be homeless?” she huffed. “I have a good job.”
“But still.”
Jamie shifted to straddle him. “Ry, I’ve been through the worst year of my life. Losing my trust is like number ten on the list of bad things that happened to me.”
“What’s number one?” Ry whispered. His hazel eyes searched her greens for clues, yet he found nothing but total and utter devastation.
Jamie stared at the brown water spot staining the ceiling, studying it as if there would be a test later.
“What’s bigger than five million?” he asked, squeezing her tighter, hoping his arms provided comfort.
“My scar,” she whispered softly. Ryder felt her body go rigid. They were getting deep—finally. Jamie was exposing her heart.
“You don’t have to tell me if you aren’t ready.” Ryder wanted this, their relationship needed it, but as always, he wouldn’t push.
Jamie inhaled and exhaled. Her fingers trembled as she fought the urge to chew on her tattoo. “I went downstairs after you got sick. CT was in the kitchen eating pie, so naturally, I joined him.”
“Naturally,” he smirked.
“Anyway, we talked for a while, then he told me something that stuck with me. He said if I just let go, let you love me, I could be free.” She sighed, brushing her nose against his. “So, you see, I have to tell you, because I don’t want my stubbornness to ruin us.”
Jamie leaned back, lifting her t-shirt over her head. She brought his hand to her abdomen and pressed it onto her scar. “I was a mess last year,” she began. “I was drinking, partying, doing drugs, hooking up with random people, you name it. Full on spiral. I don’t know why I was going so hard. I think I was just lonely, and partying filled that void. But the problem with self-medicating is that it’s temporary. Once the high wore off, I was back to being this sad, lonely thing, so I did it again and again and again.”
Ryder didn’t speak, he simply rested his forehead onto hers. He wanted her to feel his presence, to feel his love.
“Then, one day I got sick. I mean, really sick. I assumed it was a hangover. I threw up everything. I couldn’t keep down water. My hands shook so bad, I couldn’t even Google,” she chuckled sadly. “It felt like someone was ripping me open from the inside out. The pain was so intense I couldn’t move. I laid on the floor of the bathroom crying. I thought I was dying. Ken was freaking out. She called 911 and I was rushed to the hospital.”
Silent tears rolled down Jamie’s cheeks as she continued. “I got there and they didn’t know what was wrong. They ran a few tests, the basic stuff. My heart stopped when they told me I was pregnant.”
“What?” Ryder gasped. He’d wondered about her scar for months. He assumed it was from a childhood trauma, or an illness, but a baby?
“I was pregnant. They tried to do an ultrasound, but there was so much internal bleeding. They said it was ectopic, that’s when the fetus develops outside the fallopian tube. They said the fetus ruptured. They had to take my baby or it would kill both of us. They had to work fast. There was already so much blood. I was rushed into emergency surgery. I lost my child that day.”
“How does that happen?” he asked, rubbing her back, hoping to provide some comfort.
“They said it happens sometimes and they don’t know exactly how or why. Every woman is different. There’s nothing I could have done to prevent it, but I know the truth. I’d poisoned my body so much that even my unborn child didn’t want to live there.” Her body crumpled on top of his and she broke down.
Ryder placed his hands on her face, forcing Jamie to look him in the eyes. “Kitty Cat, that’s not true.”
“It is. God was punishing me. I didn’t know I was pregnant. I didn’t know who the father was, but I didn’t care. I was in no position to raise a child, but you can’t understand how much love I had for my baby. I wanted her,” she smiled weakly. “I’d like to think she was a girl. Even if it was only for a few hours, I was a mom. Losing her destroyed me. I didn’t want to live in a world with so much pain and suffering. So, yeah,” she said rubbing the semi-colon inked on her finger across Ryder’s bottom lip.
“Look at me, Kitty Cat,” Ryder demanded, and reluctant green eyes pierced his soul. “You are good and smart and kind. Bad stuff happens and it changes us. You can’t let your grief keep you from being happy, from living.”
“I know that now.” She nodded. “I’m sorry I was such an asshole.” Her blonde mane was wild, her eyes red-rimmed, and though there was dried slobber on the side of her mouth, Jamie never looked more beautiful. Ryder preferred the unplugged, acoustic version. It was a rare, deep cut that she only shared with a select few. He felt blessed to be in the number.
“You have nothing to be sorry about, James,” Ryder assured her, placing a kiss on her tearstained cheek. She tasted salty. They were two imperfect peas in a pod, both lost until they found each other.
“I love you, Napoleon,” she breathed.
Ryder’s heart nearly stopped beating. He gripped her shoulders, applying more pressure than he intended, but the gravity of her words knocked him down to earth. “What did you say?”
“I love you,” she repeated, her gaze locked on his. She didn’t waver. There wasn’t a shred of doubt or uncertainty. She didn’t say it to fill a void. She meant every word.
Water leaked from his eyes. “Say it again,” he insisted, pulling her on top of him. His hands fisted in her hair.
“I love you so fucking much.”
Ryder’s lips crashed onto hers and with a single kiss, he broke through the last of her walls.
He was crying.
She was crying.
The air between them changed. It was no longer sad, but hopeful. Hopeful for a future. Hopeful for a family of their own. Jamie didn’t need saving, she needed to be loved, and he swore right then and there to love her forever.
Stillness was a foreign concept to Jamie. To be still. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt so utterly calm. She wasn’t even a calm child. She was chaos, she’d always been chaos, but in the weeks since her birthday, she was peace.
Spring morphed into summer and life went on. Kensie returned home from the South Pacific with bronzed skin and stars in her eyes. They talked, each woman apologized for the part they played in their argument, each eager to move on. Fighting over white lies and missed birthday parties seemed childish in the grand scheme of things.
Everything wasn’t rainbows and sunshine, though. Ryder was right. Sometimes people needed space to grow, and Jamie would give Kensie space. Ryder was Jamie’s soul, but Kensington was her heart. Deep down, both women wanted the same things. Each wanted to be happy, each wanted the same happiness for the other, and if Trey was that for her bestie, then she’d back off, for now.
For Jamie, happiness was never Chanel bags or fancy trips to romantic vacation destinations. Happiness was falling asleep staring into sleepy, hazel eyes, and waking up with a kink in her back from sleeping on the old mattress. It was in the way he loved her, the way he protected her, and even in the way he possessed her. Happiness was kissing the Catch-22 tattoo on his collarbone before gently rolling out of bed. It was in the sound of her heels click-clacking on the pavement as she walked up the long staircase of the glass and stone building.
Jamie had an early start that morning. She was off to meet Ruben and Frank at the Board of Education to speak with the superintendent of schools about a controversial budget cut to King County. She stopped for coffee on the way, figuring it was the least she could do for her mentors. “I think we should set up shop at the top of the steps,” Ruben suggested, taking a sip from his venti cup.
“That sounds good.” Frank dipped his hand casually into the pocket of his slacks. “What do you think, Jamie?” he asked. Frank
taught her more in a few short months than four years of journalism ever had. Frank was ready to pass the baton. He was at the end of his run and looked forward to retirement. He didn’t treat her like a rookie, but as an equal. The older man let her make decisions and often deferred to her judgment.
“Yeah, sounds good,” she nodded as her phone rang. It was too early for Ryder to be awake. The guys played a show in Portland the night before and he hadn’t rolled into bed until well after three in the morning. Fishing the cell from her pocket, she groaned, peering at the display. “Sorry, it’s my mother. Just give me five minutes.”
Jamie turned, taking a deep breath before hitting the green answer button. It was the first time she’d spoken to Caroline since Chris’ failed coming out party. Jamie sent an email thanking her for the credit card, but got no response.
“Hello?” Jamie sighed, with a roll of her eyes. Her mother giving her the black card was sweet, but she wasn’t entirely sure there wasn’t some ulterior motive behind it. Something in her gut told her this was merely a collection call.
“James, dear, it’s been a while,” her mother said, in that waspy tone she spent her life perfecting.
“It has, Mother. Listen, now isn’t a good time. I’m on location.”
“I won’t keep you. I was simply calling to see if you wanted to do lunch?”
“Like you and me?” Jamie asked. She’d never gone into shock before, but she figured this was basically the same thing. It was like she entered the twilight zone. Never once in her twenty-five years, had Jamie and Caroline done lunch, ever.
Never.
Ever.
Ever.
“Of course, with me. Don’t be so obtuse, James.”
“Umm… is everything okay? You aren’t sick or anything, are you?”
“Can’t a mother meet her daughter for lunch without having a terminal illness?”
“A mother can,” she said, leaving the, but you’ve never been a mother, hanging in the air between them.
Ruben cleared his throat, shooting Jamie an exasperated look. He jammed a finger into the face of his watch. They were running out of time. The plan was to catch the superintendent on his way into the building. If they missed him, they would have to scramble to put together an alternative piece for the noon broadcast.
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