by Jenny Hale
Holly filled her lungs with the warm cabin air and let it out slowly, the events replaying in her head still just as muddled as they had been when they’d first happened. “Rhett was my best friend. And I was so mad at him…” She looked down at her hot cocoa, the whipped cream now a thin sheet of bubbly white on the top as the steam pushed its way through it. “He kissed me.”
Nana’s eyes grew round, her lips parting as if she wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the words. Then, her gaze moved above Holly’s head, her lips pressing together and turning downward again, making Holly twist around in response. Joe had come out of his room and was standing behind the sofa.
“I’m sorry,” he said awkwardly. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. I thought you’d come in, but I hadn’t heard the tractor…” He looked startled, and she wasn’t sure if it was that he’d heard her admission to Nana or the fact that she’d appeared without Buddy’s help. He paused, appearing to gather himself. “If you’d like, I thought we could finalize some of those plans you’d mentioned last night.”
“Of course.”
“Great. I’ll be in my room whenever you’re ready.”
“Okay.” Just the sight of Joe sent a wave of uncertainty washing over her.
“It’s nice to see Rhett going after what he wants, as usual,” Nana said once Joe was back in his room, dismissing his presence entirely. Rhett was clearly a much more interesting topic of conversation for her.
“Is it? Because it’s pretty confusing to me.”
“What’s confusing about it?” Nana leaned forward with a frown.
“It was a lot easier to be around him when we were both on the same page, but now he’s gone and changed everything and made it difficult.”
“It’s only difficult because you’re making it that way. If you were in love with him, it would be the easiest thing you’ve ever done. Love is effortless if you allow it to be, Holly. The feelings are just with you, like air, and you don’t have to work at it.”
She knew exactly what Nana meant.
The frustration over the situation was giving her a headache and she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “I guess I should work on the wedding planning,” she said. “But after that, you and I are going to do something Christmassy. I promise.”
“Don’t worry yourself over me. I’ve got my book, my knitting, and my hot cocoa. I’ll be just fine. Focus on planning the wedding. You need to get that boy married.”
Holly knew Nana would be fine, but she wanted her to be more than fine. She wanted this Christmas to be spectacular. But as life often did, it crept in and now Holly had to figure out how to quickly navigate it so she and Nana could enjoy the holiday. That was her number one goal.
She knocked on the door, and Joe opened it. He grabbed his laptop. “Want to work on this at the kitchen table?” he suggested.
Holly was glad for that, because then she wouldn’t have to be bombarded with his personal items and she could concentrate on the task at hand. “Sure. I just want to get a handle on where things are in the process. Why don’t we begin with the guest list?” They made their way to the table where Joe set up his computer and pulled two chairs side-by-side.
“Yep. I have a spreadsheet with those who RSVPed. Brea suggested sending reminder cards.”
“With the mail not running, we can’t do cards, but we could send a quick email to close friends and family.” She sat down next to him, the topic of work an easy distraction.
“If you’d like. Let’s see… Katharine’s family names are in blue.” He started scrolling. “Looks like they’ve all responded.”
“What about yours?”
His fingers stilled on the keyboard. “I don’t have any family to invite. I’m an only child, remember? My mother’s no longer living and I’m not terribly close with my extended family on her side.”
“I’m sorry about your mom,” she said.
He regarded her fondly. “Cancer. Three years ago.”
“Mm. So your father may be your only living immediate relative?”
“Yes.”
“The fact that you’ve looked for him makes me feel like he should be there. You need family to witness this major event in your life, Joe. It’s big. You’re getting married—that’s a very important life change. You will never again be just you. You’ll be forever Joe and Katharine. Joseph and Katharine,” she corrected herself, his whole first name feeling odd now on her lips.
Joe stared off into the distance, perhaps contemplating.
“If we found him, all he could say is no.”
“We’re a matter of days from the wedding. And we’re snowed in and can’t even send reminder cards. I doubt we could start a search. But I do wish he could be there…” Joe fell silent and the atmosphere between them was full of their thoughts. “Would you help me take a look on social media now? Maybe he has a Facebook page.”
“Of course. We could do a public post as well to see if anyone recognizes him.”
He shook his head. “What would we say? Anyone know Harvey Barnes? I have no idea what he looks like, where he lives, or anything about his life, but he’s an older gentleman…”
“I’ll think on it.” Holly pulled out her phone and searched Facebook for Harvey Barnes. Joe leaned over to view the screen. Scrolling through, she said, “There are so many. It could be this guy.” She clicked on his profile.
Joe squinted at the screen. “He’s a rare dog breeder.”
“That has its perks.” She clicked back to the list of people.
The corner of Joe’s mouth twitched in amusement. “What about that one?”
Holly tapped the profile. “He’s a high school principal.”
“Never say never.”
“The rest are all too young…” She went over to Twitter and typed in his name. “Oh! Here’s a… gospel singer.”
“I could send them all a quick message just to see…” she said, already typing on her phone.
“I feel like we don’t have much to go on. We might have to think of something else.”
Holly took a few minutes to send the three people a message, telling them that if they happen to know Joseph Barnes, she would greatly appreciate a message in return. Then she put her phone onto the table.
Joe’s face became somber to clearly let her know he wasn’t joking anymore before he said, “Thank you for trying.” It changed the tone of their conversation considerably.
Holly knew by the emotion in his words how much finding his father would mean to him.
* * *
“The pile of logs on the front porch is nearly gone,” Holly said, poking the fire to keep it going before adding another log.
Nana looked on from her chair in the corner, a book open on her lap and her reading glasses resting on the end of her nose so she could view Holly.
After about an hour, Holly and Joe had decided to take a break from planning. She wanted to get the room nice and toasty, turn on the Christmas lights, and create some great family memories. Perhaps they could do a board game or something. “We’ve got some more wood in the barn out back.”
“I’ll help you get it,” Joe said, his boots already on from bringing the last pieces of wood from the porch in for them.
Holly guessed he’d be happy to help because it seemed as though he’d do anything not to have to plan his wedding. He’d been agreeable on every point and hadn’t offered a whole lot in the way of opinions. Holly had done most of the talking. On each item, he’d said, “Sounds great. Whatever you think,” his demeanor making her feel hurried, as if he didn’t want to ponder any of it, which is what made her suggest they take a break.
She’d never seen two people more disengaged in their own wedding planning before. It was the strangest thing, and it didn’t match Joe’s usual behavior at all. He was so thoughtful about everything, careful… But to each, his own.
With cold fingers, Holly pried the latch on the barn door, and the double doors swung open. Glad to have Joe ther
e to calm her mind, the musty smell of the barn hit her harder than she’d expected this time, stopping her. It was the scent of old summer days when Papa had worked in there while she sat outside on the grass with her lemonade. She took in the dresser, half of it sanded down to clean wood, the original drawer pulls still sitting on his bench where she’d put them last time she was in the barn. The sander was on top of one of the tables, dust from sanding covering nearby pieces of furniture. The project had sidetracked her, and now she wished she’d spent more time cleaning up instead of refinishing the dresser. They would barely have a path to the woodpile.
Papa had chopped and lined the wood against one wall to keep it out of the elements. Holly remembered giggling at him, telling him there was no reason to carry it back to the barn, that he had too much, and they’d never need it all. But he said, “Holly, you never know. We could have the coldest winter on record and I’ll be the only one ready. Gotta keep my family warm.”
Papa always knew.
Holly surveyed the room through Joe’s eyes. Papa’s gasoline can for his mower sat in the corner where he always put it, his old radio dial still set to his favorite country station.
“Your hands are shaking,” Joe said. He reached out as if he were going to put his arm around her to comfort her but seemed to think better of it, taking a step back, his face a bit stunned for a second.
“I’ve been in the barn before, but today, for some reason, I see so much of Papa in here.”
Holly walked to the back and ran her hand along his safety goggles that sat next to his saw. She picked them up and smiled before setting them back down carefully. As she looked around, Joe stood patiently in the doorway, his eyes on her, his face gentle and kind, that curiosity lurking behind his gaze.
“I haven’t really looked through any of his stuff since Papa died,” she explained. “I’ve just used the front space for the furniture.”
Joe took a step inside, and walked her way, standing near her as if to give her quiet support. Her emotions had come on suddenly, but they always seemed to do that, showing up without warning, against her will. She was happy he was there with her to share this moment. His presence made it a little easier to bear.
He took a few steps and looked around with unobtrusive respect. She realized that this was the first time she’d gone into the barn to get something that Papa had put in there, and it made her unusually emotional, missing him and knowing that when they took the wood out, this time, he wasn’t there to refill the pile. The task of making sure there was enough to heat the cabin through the winters now fell on Holly. As he moved into the back of the place, she focused on Joe, on his compassionate face, to get her through without breaking down.
“What’s that?” Joe asked, pointing to a box under Papa’s workbench. Until now, she hadn’t dared to allow her eyes to travel from him into Papa’s most frequented area. She just knew that when she did, Papa’s presence would overwhelm her. In permanent marker, scribbled on the top of a small box, it said, “For Holly” and a cold shock of fear and anticipation shot down her spine.
Stunned to see her name in Papa’s handwriting, she peered down at it. “I have no idea.” Holly gave it a dusty slide, moving the box into the center of the floor. She pulled open the flaps to see what was inside. It was full of balled up newspapers with an envelope on the top, also bearing her name. She picked it up and ran her fingers inside to retrieve the letter, her heart pattering, knowing she was actually about to hear from Papa. Before she read a thing, she sat down on the dirty floor and Joe did the same, having moved a little closer to her, providing that support she’d felt when they’d entered.
With a deep breath, she read the letter:
* * *
My sweet Holly,
The doctors are telling me I’m not doing well, so I wanted to put this together in the hopes that it will ease your nana’s first Christmas without me…
* * *
She felt the tears come, knowing she hadn’t discovered this until now. If only she’d found it last year. Nana hadn’t let them come to the cabin, and Holly had concentrated on the interior of the place, so there was no way she could’ve found it until this moment, but at the same time, it was as if they needed him now more than ever. Holly kept reading.
* * *
She’s going to be cranky. But please know that it’s because she hides her worry with anger. And she’ll be worried for sure. She worries for you and knowing how close you and I are, she’ll be anxious about filling that space when I’m gone. Talk to her. Tell her all your feelings. Confide in her like you did in me. And if you do, she’ll start to smile again. I just know it.
Now, on to the fun stuff. She’s going to feel alone, even if you’re there with her. But I’m right here. Your nana won’t believe it, so let’s help her. You know I always hide her Christmas presents. I’ve filled this little box with enough to get you through this year. Will you wrap them and hide them for me? You remember how I did it, right? Put the first one on the mantle on Christmas morning with a note.
I love you, Holly. I know you well too, and you’re probably giving up a lot to be with your nana. But what will make her the happiest is if you get out there and live. She’ll be okay. She’s a strong woman. Enjoy life! Don’t try to preserve the past. When you’re in my shoes, what will you have to look back on?
I’ll see you later. Promise. And when I do, I want to hear your stories!
Love,
Papa
* * *
“This is too much,” Holly said, allowing the tears to spill over her eyes. She gasped, trying to catch her breath, her whole body shaking, the paper bending in her grip, distorting that handwriting that she knew so well. She started to cry and, right then, she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to stop, the last years’ anger and fear and sadness overflowing and finally spilling out.
Joe finally put his arms around her and drew her in, his embrace so strong it felt like he was holding her together, stilling her trembling. “It’s amazing,” he whispered into her ear. She dropped the letter in her lap, and buried her head in his chest, finally allowing herself to let out all the emotions she’d been holding in for Nana’s sake. Joe’s scent, his touch, the gentle rising and falling of his chest—it made her feel whole, and she was so thankful to have him there to help her through this moment.
When her crying had subsided, she was aware of Joe’s hand caressing the back of her head, his face by her ear. She inhaled his clean, spicy fragrance again, noting how easily he’d calmed her. Holly looked up at him to thank him, and they both held each other’s stare, neither of them speaking, a mere thank-you not enough for how he’d made her feel. They had an unspoken language—it was an indescribable feeling that made her believe that, no matter how long they were apart, he’d always be able to make her feel this way. Then, as if it had registered simultaneously for both of them, they sprung apart.
“I can get the wood,” he said, leaving the moment entirely. “And I’ll distract your grandmother—I’ll ask her to show me where she’d like to start a new pile on the porch. Then you bring the box in through the back door and hide it in my room.”
Still trying to climb out of the moment, Holly folded the letter and placed it on top of the newspaper and dragged her fingers under her eyes. Then she grabbed the box, sliding her fingers under the bottom of it and lifting it easily, not looking into Joe’s eyes for fear she’d reveal how much his embrace had meant to her.
“What if Nana sees?” Holly fretted aloud, shifting the box into her arms and hurrying toward the door, anxiety filling her.
“Holly,” he said gently, like he’d done when she could tell he had things on his mind, stopping her. He waited until she looked him in the eye. “We’re just getting wood. That’s all. Don’t worry.”
Holly wondered if Joe was talking about more than just keeping Papa’s gifts from Nana when he said not to worry. And against all that she felt was right in the universe, she simply said, “Okay.”
Joe gathered the wood, and, together, they walked back to the house in silence. With every step in the snow, Holly felt the need to run as fast as she could and get out of there before she said something that could change everything.
Twenty
Holly hadn’t seen Joe since their moment yesterday. She stayed away, spending most of the evening finishing the dresser out in the barn, thinking about her future. Nana came out a few times to check on her, but Holly hadn’t been ready to talk until now.
She shut the bedroom door for privacy. Nana had been in there since early this morning, dusting and tidying the en suite bathroom when Holly finally decided, with encouragement from Papa’s letter, to get something off her chest.
After she and Joe got the box past Nana, Holly hadn’t gone back in to Joe’s room for the rest of the evening, and he hadn’t come out of his room either. Using the distance they’d created, she took some time to digest what Papa had told her about confiding in Nana. She prayed that it was the right thing to do, and she had to trust Papa like she always had.
All evening and now this morning, all she could think about was that she was starting to feel trapped there with Joe, fully aware of how people felt when they met that perfect person and they just knew it was right. When her friends had said things like that, Holly never believed them. But now she understood—there was a clear and obvious energy around her and Joe. It was inexplicable and irrational, and she wouldn’t be able to put it into words if she tried, but she had to attempt to explain herself to Nana. After pondering scenarios for the last few hours, she’d made some pretty big decisions that Holly felt compelled to share with her.
“I need to tell you something,” she said quietly, sitting down on the bed, so nervous she could hardly get out what she wanted to say. Before now, she hadn’t done anything for herself, but in light of her current situation and Papa’s words, she’d come to a firm conclusion.