by Emily Albert
Many cried, but ear-piercing wails could be heard from Omar and Celeste.
The large group stood stoically, waiting for the fire to burn out. It likely lasted longer than people expected. The traditional Haeden burial was much quicker.
When the fire eventually exhausted itself, Darris was able to gather the Queen’s ashes in an urn. “I will now spread the ashes over the flowers, fertilizing them and allowing Queen Fay to be of use to the world even in her death.
“May I?” he asked Lenna with the sympathetic look back on his face.
She nodded.
The minister opened the urn. He sprinkled ashes lightly on the soil and walked down the row. At the start of every row he said, “May she let us prosper.”
It took a while to walk through all rows of the garden, and everyone walked with him, waiting patiently. When they finished, Darris said, “Thank you all for being here and allowing the Queen to help the world grow.”
Although the ceremony was over, they waited to leave until Lenna said “Yes, thank you all. You may go, if you wish.”
Lenna lingered in the flower garden, admiring the plants and thinking of her mother. Everything seemed to trigger memories. She had been here with her many times, she remembered. Fay had always enjoyed the outdoors more than Lenna had, but she followed her out to see the flowers anyway, just to be with her. Sometimes they would walk in silence, enjoying the scenery and each other’s company. Sometimes they would play games when Lenna was younger—Fay would hide something in the garden for her to find, or they would count as many things of a certain color as they could. What Lenna remembered most vividly were the times they would stroll through the flowers and chat about their lives, horses, schoolwork, or friends.
Lenna’s mother had been a safe, warm companion. She had always made her feel as if everything she had to say made sense, even if she knew some of her complaints were trivial. Lenna had always been glad to talk to her.
I understand you more than she ever could. I understand who you really are, what you really want. She was soft and weak.
Being forced to look at her mother in a different light turned their happy memories into sour, dark things. Hard-to-look-at things. The nostalgia was lost in the sudden bitter thoughts of her mother never being able to fully relate to her. She had loved her, but never grasped who she really was. Restless, she hurried out of the garden.
When Lenna returned to the castle, she wasn’t sure what to do. All her motivation was lost, so she wandered. The castle was almost dark. Servants scampered around lighting candles, and Lenna dodged everyone who tried to speak to her.
Pushing through her confusion and newfound contempt, she prowled around the halls, a lioness surveying all that was hers. Her guardian hummed happily.
Eleven
The sky was a mix of pink, orange, yellow, and blue, and the sun was almost at the horizon. Everything Lenna could see from her balcony was flooded with golden light. The city sprawled out beyond the castle walls. Farming towns on the outskirts stretched out beyond what Lenna could see. One town led into the next, creating a maze to someone unfamiliar with the roads. The capital city, Caiburn, was the area Lenna knew best from all the trips to give speeches and the times she walked or rode around it with her mother. Stoic guards lined the long path leading up to the castle gate. People strolled down it as if their destination was not important. It was a calm, sleepy evening. The view and dimming light made the balcony tranquil.
Lenna sat on the stone bench looking down at it all. She thought about things that had happened, but not deeply. Occasionally her stomach fluttered with faint anger, but mostly she looked, listened, and felt the crisp air and remaining light soak into her. It was rare for her mind to be this quiet. Somehow when she found herself on this balcony, she also found a way to be calm.
The glass door behind her slid open, and a guard brought three women into the doorway. She recognized them as her mother’s ladies. She nodded at the guard to leave and motioned for the women to join her outside. One of the ladies whom she remembered as Damara sat next to her and patted her shoulder. The other two, Grace and Iva, came shortly after, huddling around her with bright, enthusiastic eyes. Lenna remembered them well. They always looked happy, and they were always excited to see her. She marveled at how all three ladies could act exactly the same through all their years in the castle. They had almost grown on her, but she still would have preferred to not have been with them.
Grace spoke first: “Oh, we’re so glad to see you again. I feel as if it has been so long since we’ve spoken. What would you say, since she was fifteen? Sixteen?” She looked around at the others who nodded sadly. “Well, I think that is just tragic. I think a queen’s ladies should have a good relationship with her children…” She trailed off. “Oh, Lenna. I am so sorry. Just so, so sorry. I really am. We three are beside ourselves over… Well, you know…” Grace looked at Damara and Iva expectantly.
Iva looked like she might cry. Damara patted her again and said, “Yes, of course, of course. It was the most awful thing. We just want you to know,” she put her hand over her chest and furrowed her eyebrows, “that we are here for you, always.”
Iva nodded. “Always.”
“Thank you. I—”
“Oh, honey, I am so sorry!” Grace almost lunged when she hugged her. The others huddled around and did the same.
“I really…” Lenna tried, but Grace’s large body squeezed her so hard that she had trouble breathing, let alone talking. She felt as if this might have been more for them than for her. She remembered their hugs well. They were not like Kendra’s hugs. Kendra cared about her, and her hugs were tender and loving. They comforted her. These unwelcome ones were people she barely knew and did not like. She did not like these people and barely knew them. They were pestering relatives who condescended her because she was young, and they thought she didn’t know it.
After a long moment they let go of her in unison. They stared at her with watery eyes and pitying smiles, waiting for her to respond. Lenna was okay with letting them wait. She wanted to tell them to get off her balcony, that she didn’t need their pity.
She knew they wouldn’t leave, and she gave in: “I appreciate this. Thank you, you are all so kind. I know we have my mother in common, but we do not know each other very well; you do not really know me at all, actually,” she said pointedly. “But you still came to me wanting to help me through this. Again, I thank you. I would love to chat with you, and maybe another day we will have the chance, but I truly am okay. I’m coping. And unfortunately it is getting dark, and I—”
“Oh, what’s a bit of darkness?” Grace said. “You must not want to be alone—you poor thing. And besides, we do know you. How could we not with how much your mother would talk about you? We know all about you.” Again, the other two nodded.
Lenna didn’t know whether to feel touched by her mother talking about her or angry that it was to these people. She decided she felt both. With this, her anger spread toward the fact that these women would not leave her. Their relationship to her mother didn’t matter anymore, and Lenna’s facade of gratitude shattered. “I need you all to leave,” she whispered.
“What, baby? I know you’re upset, and it’s best not to be alone during these times.”
Iva added quietly, looking scared to speak. “I know nighttime can be the worst.”
“I need you all to leave! Leave!” This time it was a furious yell—a demand, not a request.
Grace pouted her lips and stomped one foot, but then smiled when she said, “I will not leave. We are here to talk with you, to help and support you. We are all going through a hard time and we need each other. This is what your mother would have wanted.”
Grace’s smile was sickening, and Lenna couldn’t put her finger on why.
“She told us a story about you, you know. She said when you were nine and your pet dog died, you cried for days. And when she tried to comfort you, you pushed her away.”
Lenna
remembered the dog. His name was Beau, but he was actually Remy’s dog. She had been crying more for him than for the dog, because she had known how strongly he felt the dog’s suffering. He was hurting, and she hadn’t wanted that for him. The twins had been so close then. If only she had known who he would become. She shuddered.
“But do you know when you finally stopped crying?” Grace lowered her head to make it level with hers. It was when your mother sat with you even as you cried, held you and refused to leave. That’s when you felt better. So we’re going to stay here with you like your mother would have.”
Kick them aside. They’ll only hold you back, as your mother did.
“You are not my mother.” Her voice was wavering.
“Well, no, of course not. And we would never try to take her place. After all, she was a marvelous woman, a terrific queen. I just can’t believe someone would… Well, anyway, it is perfectly understandable to mourn her. I’m sure you could not have asked for a better mother.” Lenna was shoved over as Grace sat on the bench next to her. She put her hand on Lenna’s back, and the contact make her rise immediately.
“You are not my mother,” she repeated, emphasizing every word.
Iva and Damara stepped back, but Grace just blinked at her.
Damara folded her arms across her body protectively and said, “Lenna, if you would really like for us to leave…”
“Damara, do you not remember Queen Fay? Do you not remember everything she did to make everyone’s life better, especially her children’s? I am sure Lenna is grieving and even if she isn’t showing it, she needs someone right now. That is why we’re here, remember?”
“Of course.”
“Imperative to have someone to lean on when you are grieving,” Grace said with a satisfied nod.
“In fact, you are worse than my mother, because you won’t leave!”
Iva and Damara gasped quietly, and Grace held a glare that did not match her smile.
“Lenna…” Grace said. It sounded like a warning. Her tone was sharp, but it did not deter Lenna.
“Get out!” Her scream broke into the hollow night air.
Damara and Iva started toward the door, and Grace put her hands on her hips. Without taking her eyes off of Lenna, she said, “Ladies, if you would like to go, you may. I am going to stay here and make sure Lenna is okay for the night.” Her smile was still fixed on her face.
Lenna glowered and made a deep sound that was almost animal-like.
As soon as Iva and Damara were back inside with the door closed, Grace’s face turned sour. This woman was not as graceful as her name suggested; the irony was not lost on her. Before now, Lenna had never looked close enough to see that she was not nearly as cheery as her friends. She could play the part, but that wasn’t who she really was. Her eyes were perpetually squinted and showed her irritation. Her blonde hair managed to be both greasy and frizzy. Her brightly colored dresses were too tight and unflattering. Even the way she walked was awkward. She was the one lady whom Fay had met in Haeden instead of Amoretta. She had nothing in common with her mother; Lenna wondered how she had ended up as the Queen’s lady.
“So, I know you think you would rather be alone right now, but I wanted to talk to you for a while. You know, catch up, talk about everything that has happened.”
She is nothing. You have power over her.
“I don’t care what you want to do. I am going to be your queen, and I want you to leave,” Lenna knew it was true that she could control her.
Grace looked at her sideways, wearing a devious grin. “You don’t seem too upset about your mother passing. Denial is a part of grief, I suppose...”
“I’m not in denial, I know that my mother is dead. I don’t know what you’re implying, but I am tormented by my mother’s death. Why wouldn’t I be? I’m upset about her and upset about the fact that my brother killed her.”
Graced paused, thinking. “Yes, I wondered about that…”
“What?”
“Well, nothing… I mean, is that what you truly believe, Lenna?”
“What?” She crossed her arms.
“He’s just so sweet. I can’t believe… I mean there must be some other explanation…”
No one may question their queen.
Lenna and Grace exchanged challenging stares.
“Are you going against the word of your future queen?”
“No, no, I just have some questions, that’s all.”
“What could you possibly have questions about? He admitted it. It’s not even a question whether it was him or not.”
Grace made a small noise but said nothing.
“Do you think I did it?”
“I just have questions.”
“Well, ask your questions!”
“He’s just so sweet… It doesn’t seem possible, so the accusation really makes me wonder. It makes me really think it through, do you understand?”
“No, I don’t understand. What do you wonder about, exactly?”
“I used to wonder why Remy was so distant from the kingdom, and from helping Fay with her duties. But now I realize maybe there is a good reason. Because you, on the other hand, were always front and center.”
“I’m not sure what that has to do with anything. But I think it puts me in a better light than him. I was always there with her. I always supported her and wanted the country to succeed. He was never there. If he were so great, he would have been there. He never even really wanted to rule.”
“Sure, sure, but I’m wondering if there’s another way to look at it—maybe you loved the country too much. Maybe you should have done things children are supposed to do and waited your turn.”
“I told you already. I was so involved because I want the country to succeed, I wanted my mother to succeed. I was invested—that doesn’t make me a criminal!” Lenna clenched her fists and felt her face turning red.
Grace was turning red now too, and her tone was harsher. “See, just a moment ago you seemed very adamant about becoming Queen yourself. ‘I am going to be your queen,’ you said, as if you know that for certain. As if that was your goal all along…” She paused dramatically. “It doesn’t look to me like you care about your mother’s death at all, and you put your brother in the dungeon without remorse—to get him out of the way, perhaps? One might think you killed your mother and framed your brother so you would be free to become Queen.”
Lenna stopped for a moment, stunned.
“I put him in the dungeon because he is guilty. He killed our mother, and he admitted it. What part of that is hard for you to understand?”
“What I’m seeing,” Grace raised her voice as her whole body tensed, “is someone who is so cold and power-hungry that she could destroy her family to make it to the top.”
You do want to be at the top. It was bound to be you, no matter how it happened. You did nothing wrong. She doesn’t see your power.
Lenna put a hand on her throbbing temple.
“I told you before that you had to leave, and now you need to listen, or I will get the guards. Go!”
“I know that you did it! I don’t know why everyone else believes your lies about your brother, but I see right through it! You can’t keep lying, Lenna! You’re a murderer!”
She thinks she can keep you from the power you deserve.
Lenna walked over to the door and shoved it open. “Guards!”
Before Grace was escorted out, she hissed, “This will come back to you one day.”
○○○
Passing Remy’s room, Lenna felt an urge to go in and yell at him once again, then realized he wasn’t in his room, but in the dungeon. A pleasant chill went through her entire body. She decided it would be worth it to go see him in his cell.
She had to walk down into the basement, which was much darker and colder than the rest of the castle. Torches on the walls were sparse, and the meager light was contained in a narrow hallway with a low ceiling. With no ventilation, it smelled musty and damp. Len
na felt dirty as soon as she put her feet on the floor. She had only been in the basement once or twice, when playing around the castle with Remy.
The dungeon had heavy, dusty air and smelled of the people who had been living there. There were a thousand different rank odors mingling, and Lenna pinched her nose. Though she could barely see, she found Remy’s cell toward the end of the long hallway and watched him sit huddled in the corner. Being a prince, she figured, he wasn’t used to being dirty—Lenna wasn’t either—and it showed. His eyes were closed, his entire face was screwed up. His hands wrung and his arms were wrapped around his folded legs.
He is buried, out of your way. You have done well.
“You deserve it,” Lenna said coldly.
Doesn’t it feel good? Being in control?
Lenna could barely take in her guardian’s words with her roaring rush of power. She already knew that she had the potential to lose control, just like she had with Joran, but it felt too good to leave.
Remy only opened his eyes at first, leaving his body in distress. Then he seemed to realize what a visit from his sister might mean, and relaxed, looking up at her with desperate hopefulness.
“You’re vile, just like this place, and if you think I’m here to release you, you’re dead wrong.”
Remy looked down and hugged his knees closer to his chest. “Why are you here?”
“How can you even live with yourself?” she snarled.
“I’m sorr—”
“I’m not finished. Sorry means nothing to me. You deserve to rot in here for the rest of your life, which is probably what I’ll let you do, instead of executing you. It’s a blessing and a curse, don’t you think? So, answer me—how do you live with yourself?”
Remy stared at her blankly, mouth open. “Lenna—”
“See, our mother—I don’t know if you remember her. You know, the one you killed—she was a great mother, probably the best. I was in the garden after spreading her ashes, and I was thinking about how she used to love us so much, and how we might have even loved her more. And on the walk over here, I was wondering how someone who loves a person that much could turn around and kill them. But, I know, you had your reasons. She was sad, right? That’s what you’re going to tell me again? She was sad, so you poisoned her? Well that isn’t a good enough reason!” Her scream was loud enough to be heard throughout the whole dungeon. “You don’t kill someone because they’re sad! So why did you do it! Tell me!”