by Emily Albert
Kendra said, struggling to get her words out, “I’m worried about you. We’re all worried about you.”
People silenced and watched her.
They don’t understand you, or us. They don’t understand what you have to do to get where you need to be.
When Lenna had told Marco that she didn’t want to be with these people, she hadn’t known how true it was.
She looked over to Marco, a silent apology on her face. She had to leave. He would understand. With a final, brief look at Kendra, she got up and hurried out of the dining hall.
Barely into the hallway, she heard a set of footsteps running behind her. She knew even without turning around that it was Kendra.
“Lenna,” Kendra called. “Lenna! Can you please stop?”
She thinks she knows you. She thinks she can fix you.
Lenna kept walking.
Kendra finally caught up to her. Though out of breath, she kept walking. She said, “You’ve outgrown your friends, I see?” Then, when that went ignored: “We’re losing you, Lenn. I’m losing you.”
“But you never wanted me, so it isn’t really a loss, is it?”
Kendra gave a shuddering sigh. “I do want you. Of course I want you. How could I not? I didn’t want to lose you. I feel guilty about the night in the nursery all the time.”
“You don’t have to feel guilty, and you don’t have to lie. You wanted a baby of your own, not me. I was just a filler since you couldn’t have that.”
Kendra grabbed Lenna’s arm to try to stop her, but Lenna tugged it away and kept striding down the hallway. It was the stern way she used to grab her when she misbehaved as a child. She wasn’t a child anymore, and certainly not Kendra’s.
The sternness in her face turned to fear as she said, “Of course I want a biological child. All women do. But I also need you. I’m meant to take care of you. I want to.”
They approached Lenna’s bedroom door and Kendra grabbed her hand, this time stopping her. Kendra looked into her eyes fiercely despite the tears. “And the fact that you won’t let anyone take care of you is scaring me. You’re alone.”
“I have Marco.”
“You have a partner. You don’t have a parent,” Kendra said gently.
You have me. I am better than any parent, any partner, any friend.
Kendra looked at her as if trying to find her soul in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Lenn. I’m so sorry. I can’t help but think this is all my fault. I should have made sure you knew I cared—”
“What is all your fault? What is this about? If this is you feeling guilty and trying to get forgiveness, fine. I forgive you. Why don’t you go?”
Kendra took a breath, her tears unrelenting. “I know it was you.” She said it so quietly that Lenna barely heard it. “I mean… I know you killed her. Grace. I know you killed Grace.”
She shouldn’t have sat with them at dinner. She had known it was too risky.
Lenna scoffed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Kendra bit her lip. “Yes, you do.” Then after a long time, “A mother always knows.”
“A long time ago, I would have agreed that you were my mother, and knew me. But now I know neither of those is true. I don’t need the insight you think you have.”
“Is your thinking that clouded? I might not know you anymore, but I did know you. I raised you. I knew you enough to know that now you’ve changed.”
Lenna looked at Kendra with a challenge.
“I also know you’re capable of so much more now, and that can be good and bad. The bad scares me. I stay up at night wondering if it’s my fault. I want better for you. I want to know you again so I can help you get back to the happy girl you used to be.”
Kendra tried to smile, but tears and worries seemed to make her face too heavy.
She doesn’t want you. She wants the young, innocent child that you were. You’re stronger now. She doesn’t want this you. But I do. You’re so much better than you were.
“Get away from me,” Lenna whispered without a hint of regret. “Just go away.”
Kendra shifted her weight forward. Lenna knew she wanted to hug her, cry on her shoulder, tell her she loved her until she transformed back into her sweet little girl.
“Please,” she said. “I need you.”
Kendra didn’t understand. Lenna wasn’t going to change for her, and she didn’t want to try to console her.
“If you wanted a loyal child, you should have kept your own alive. I’m not your daughter. Stop trying to be my mother.”
Thirty-Six
A voice came from down the torch-lit hallway: “Princess Lenna!"
Lenna turned to see two members of Parliament: Illyn Jarar and Brielle Ivan. They hurried to meet her, bowed briefly, then smiled.
Brielle was always full of enthusiasm at council meetings, but tonight, she bounced with excitement. “We have news for you, your Highness.”
Lenna looked from Brielle to Illyn and back. This was it. She was going to become Queen. Parliament must have finally come to their senses and passed it.
“We believe you should get married, and soon!” Brielle couldn’t contain her giggles. “We meant to get Prince Marco and tell both of you together, but I saw you here and I made Illyn come over with me. I couldn’t keep the news to myself any longer! Would you like us to find Prince Marco now?”
Lenna couldn’t help but smile at the thought of marrying Marco, but now that their union would soon be official, she itched for more.
“That’s it?” Lenna said.
Brielle looked deflated, glancing over to Illyn. “Are you not excited? We thought you would be thrilled at the idea.”
Illyn said in his rigid voice, “You do want to marry Prince Marco, do you not?”
“Of course I want to marry him!” It wasn’t a lie; she wanted it more than she originally thought she would. Even with her guardian telling her to stay distant from him, she wanted it. “But there is something else I want that is long overdue…”
It should be all you want. The marriage is nothing but a step to becoming Queen.
“Your Highness, we do know of that issue,” Illyn said, “But you have to take a step back and look at the kingdom right now. We have just had two traumas, one being the loss of our queen and the other being the loss of her lady.”
“Yes, and?”
“And the castle—the kingdom—needs something happy. Everyone is tired. They don’t have a queen—” Lenna started to interrupt, but Illyn kept going: “And like I said, we will discuss that issue. But there is an easier way to lift spirits. We just need something good to happen here. We need a wedding, after an appropriate grieving period, of course.”
“Sure, okay. But since you’re here, I think we should discuss the other issue now. See, now that Grace is gone, there are no obstacles. I can easily become Queen, especially after getting married. What’s stopping you from allowing it?”
Brielle looked concerned. “Right, it’s just—”
“Why do you refuse to listen to reason! Okay, look,” Lenna said, looking at them sternly. “I am going to become Queen eventually. With Grace gone, it is certain. It is meant to be. Are you going to betray that?”
Both blinked at her.
“Grace’s threats are gone, but remember my promises? I’m still here, and I’m not afraid to follow through with them. So I’ll ask you again: Are you going to betray that?”
Brielle bowed her head.
“We will not betray you, your Highness,” Illyn said, “but Grace’s threats still linger.”
“Are you talking about Grace’s friends? Don’t worry about them. They’re powerless without her. We can kick their knees and take them down.”
“Highness, it’s worse than that.” Illyn’s face was tighter than usual.
“Can none of you stand up for yourselves?” Lenna waved her hand at them. “Everything will be fine.”
She looked back and forth between them. “Do you not trust me?”<
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“We got a note from her, your Highness,” Illyn said.
“And what did it say?”
Brielle pulled the note from her pocket. “‘A queen and her lady, sitting pretty. They both fall down, what a pity. But there’s her little princess with her hands all bloody. Just wanted that throne and a sky so sunny.’ I saw it first, and I haven’t shown it to anybody besides Illyn.”
“Is it talking about me? That’s ridiculous. What did I do?”
The two advisors looked to each other.
Her heartbeat quickened as she heard her guardian say, I told you to be careful. You refused to listen. You were impulsive and sloppy, and now it will catch up to you. You betrayed me.
“What do you think I did?” Lenna demanded.
“Your Highness, your fight with Lady Grace, and then…” Brielle said sheepishly.
“What, do you think I killed her? How would she have written that note if I killed her?”
“It could have been one of her friends who wrote it…”
“So you’re going to trust what could be one of Grace’s friends over me?” Lenna snatched the note from Brielle. “This is Grace’s handwriting! And her seal!” Lenna glared at both advisors before saying, “I never touched Grace! This note proves nothing other than the fact that she was insane. First lying about me killing my mother, and now blaming me for her death before she even died? It’s all nonsense.”
Every lie she told made her temples throb.
The two advisors traded looks again.
“We’re not sure what to believe,” Illyn said. “But frankly, if these rumors are going to be an ongoing threat for us, and consequently for the kingdom, Ollivan may be a safer option.”
Lenna’s face turned red and fierce as she said, “I can promise you that not allowing me to be Queen will be a far worse danger than allowing it. I would like to change your mind civilly, but if I can’t, I have no problem referring back to what I spoke of earlier.”
The advisors for a long moment before they hesitantly bowed their heads. “We will think on it, then,” Illyn said.
“I think that is best… When do you want the wedding to take place?”
“We thought three more weeks would be an appropriate grieving time,” Brielle said, excitement edging back into her voice.
“Three weeks?” Lenna sighed. She didn’t want to wait any longer if the wedding meant increasing her chances of becoming Queen. She was wasting time.
“That long?”
Brielle said, “I understand your eagerness. But I’m afraid if it happens too soon, people will be too wrapped up in grief to enjoy it.”
“What about my enjoyment?”
“Princess Lenna, the timing of a royal marriage is crucial. You want your union to have all the support it can get. It sets the tone for the rest of your relationship.”
Lenna sighed. “Fine. But I must point out that if my relationship’s reputation is so important to you, you must expect us to become something more than the average husband and wife living in Ollivan’s castle… I’d even say you expect us to be the King and Queen.” She gave them an impish smile and said, “It will be worth the wait.”
Brielle swallowed hard and Illyn tilted in chin up. He said, “Your Highness, that isn’t…’
Her grin was enough to stop him. She left the tense pair and found her soon-to-be husband in his bedroom.
Marco was sitting at his desk writing letters as he often was. He smiled at her as she walked in. He charmed her as easily as he had in the beginning. His summery tunics, all white or shades of red, complimented his brown skin and made him look regal. His raven black hair was thick and never messy. All his features were handsome, but his wide smile with bright white teeth was what she always remembered when she thought of him.
As soon as Lenna saw him, she felt herself grow softer. As much as she knew the wedding would be a good political move, she also enjoyed the idea of spending her life with this man.
Her guardian protested loudly and urgently.
Forget your feelings. Forget your love. Remember what your union is supposed to mean.
When she accepted Marco’s engagement, she had hoped she would never get attached to him. She was sure she wouldn’t. But now, she saw that he wasn’t the danger she had thought he was. He only made her feel warm and safe. Being with him felt right. She tried to stifle the buzzing voice, as she knew her guardian’s paranoia was the only feeling weighing her down.
“Always hunched over your pen and paper,” Lenna teased, stepping closer to him. “Who is important enough to receive all these letters?” She could hear the newfound lightness in her own voice. How could her guardian want her to have such a heavy hand and voice with Marco when she could feel like this?
“Just some of my people back home.” His whole face scrunched up intently as he wrote. “My friends, my brother. Sometimes my advisors. I have to stay in touch.”
“It seems you write letters more than you talk to me,” she said, but not angrily.
And what luck that is.
Marco looked up from his paper. “They’re important to me, just as you are. I’m sorry if it seems I favor my old life over my future. I don’t feel that way.”
Their future. It would come soon.
“So our wedding is important to you?” Lenna bit her lip to hide her smile.
Marco looked confused. “Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be?” Then he seemed to see the piece of her smile she could not hide. “When?”
Lenna finally let her whole smile come out; she couldn’t control it any longer. “Three weeks.”
Marco laughed. “Oh, how I wish it were even sooner!”
Lenna nodded. “I wish that as well. But this will have to do. And as soon as we are married—” Lenna stopped herself. She wanted to share her desire for power with him, but this wasn’t the time to dream of crowns and thrones. She tried again: “I hope the joy of our marriage will cover some of the grief my people are feeling. The council wants us to wed soon because of the recent tragedies.”
Lenna felt like Marco could see right through her, and she looked away.
“It’s okay to be excited about becoming Queen. I understand that feeling. I’m excited for you too.”
Lenna looked back to him with childlike eyes. “I am excited.”
Her mind cleared a little at his words. Her wishes could coexist. She kissed him, and it was almost perfectly blissful.
He will never be me. Your love is dangerous.
Almost.
○○○
“I was thinking,” Marco said as they sat intertwined on his sofa, “that your people need money to live more than we need it for our wedding.” She raised her eyebrows at this, and he started stroking her hair. “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a nice, modest wedding, then give the leftover money to the people? I mean, Lenna, we have both seen the city. And the small towns… gods, they’re unimaginable.”
Lenna nearly laughed at the impossible generosity.
She waited for a warning from her guardian that didn’t come.
“I want to help, Lenna. I want to build up this kingdom. You will be revered; I will be at your side to ensure it.”
Lenna waited and waited for a harsh voice, and when she did not answer right away, Marco whispered in her ear, “I want to give you the power you deserve. They will all love you. Can’t you see it?”
Lenna thought she could hear the pleasant hum of approval.
Marco pulled away and looked into her eyes with a boldness that made her heart race. This time she was not ashamed of it. “I want you to have everything you want in a wedding—and you will—but maybe it doesn’t have to be so expensive that we can’t take care of those who need it. If you want an extravagant wedding, who am I to deny you that? But we might lose the people shortly after. They’ve been waiting for help for ages. I know you want the perfect kingdom, and I think this is a way we can move toward that.”
Lenna saw her people happy, cheerin
g for her, loving her. She remembered the days she would hold announcements or meetings and they would do just that. She had not felt that in a long time. Those people belonged to her, and she could be their hero.
She said quietly, “Okay. Let’s do it.”
“Okay then. And Lenna, I’m going to plan the wedding. I know it usually is not the groom’s job, but this is very important to me. So if you would sit back, eat pastries, and allow me to impress you, I would be forever grateful.”
She had another burst of laughter, then nodded.
Just be careful.
Her guardian’s voice did not hold nearly as much judgement. She let out a long, relieved breath, knowing she had proven that her decision was the right one.
Then, when Marco lay back with his head on the arm of the couch, she added, “Thank you.” He peered at her with his pure brown eyes. “For everything.”
Thirty-Seven
Lenna walked into the smaller, sunny dining room to meet Marco for breakfast. As soon as she entered, she saw a bright, shining necklace on the table; it was hard to miss. It was a necklace that screamed “wedding day,” and Marco knew it. It was beautiful and extravagant, if not excessive. Marco beamed at her; he had likely been waiting a long time to see her reaction.
She tried to show her amazement, but after a moment she slipped. “What happened to the modest wedding we were going to have?”
Marco’s face dropped. Lenna laughed a little to try to play it off as a light, off-handed comment, but it was too late.
“You don’t like it.” It was a statement, not a question.
“Of course I like it. How could I not? I mean, look at it!” She laughed again, this time in genuine amazement as she took in the glimmering diamonds. Then she looked squarely at Marco. She hated his face in this moment. She hated the disappointment, the sadness, the embarrassment. She wanted more than anything for him to feel none of that. How could the one person who truly loved her deserve those feelings? She walked the rest of the way to the intimate table and put her hands on his shoulders. His eyes had grown even darker than the brown they had been.