by W.H. Harrod
~The Ladies Man
While Heywood was in high school he did not have the slightest notion that absent a whole, whole, whole lot of luck he would never have graduated from high school or, very possibly, even survived high school as a living, breathing human being.
It can also be said that luck, in Heywood’s case, could be described as a girlfriend. Even more amazing, she was a very pretty girl from a very nice family. There was, as usual, another side to this most amazing happenstance. This girl did not put up with Heywood’s shenanigans. To add some weight to this statement, an explanation might help.
It’s fairly simple. Actually, Heywood was afraid of her. That’s not all, so were most of his friends. She was every bit as confrontational and feisty when Heywood got out of line as she was pretty. When she was really mad, you heard the storm cloud long before you saw it. Sometimes it was a heads-up phone call from a sympathizer warning Heywood that an automobile resembling his girlfriend’s was screaming down the road in his direction. Sometimes it was the screeching of brakes as her car came sliding to a stop in front of his house. That’s also why Heywood sat close to the back door or even on the back porch where he could make a quick getaway. But back to the being afraid part, it was probably because she punched him on the side of the head one morning while driving him to school.
It was not her typical way of reacting. Usually she just screamed so loudly at him that he, at times, wondered if his hearing had been affected. It hadn’t, and that disappointed Heywood because he sure could have used some relief when it came to being yelled at.
Heywood was punched out by his girlfriend at one of the busiest intersections in the city while on the way to school. The whole incident took all the passengers in the car by surprise, especially Heywood. He had felt safe. He was riding in the middle of the front seat of his girlfriend’s car with his girlfriend’s sister riding shotgun. His girlfriend liked to have Heywood as close as possible so she could have a better opportunity to discuss the numerous negative ramifications that went along with his recalcitrant nature.
There were other witnesses in the backseat that, like Heywood, would have preferred to discuss any number of other matters rather than whether or not Heywood was out late the previous night playing those infernal pinball machines. But for some reason, the offended young lady kept piling it on.
Heywood already knew he was going to get yelled at when he got to class and fell asleep during the history teacher’s lecture on pre-colonial South America. Sometimes Heywood collapsed face-first onto the hard wooden desktop causing the teacher to rush back to the desk with a water squirt bottle to punish the offender with a good face spraying. Heywood felt there was only so much the average young man could willingly listen to about Simon Bolivar at a single setting, so it just made listening to his girlfriend’s incessant carping about his nocturnal habits that much more annoying.
Heywood said the words before his brain had an opportunity to kick in and say, Don’t do it. She’ll throw a fit right here in the middle of the intersection. His simple words spoken were, “Hey, shove it up your ass.”
What Heywood said was generally considered not that bad except to the Wicked Witch of the East sitting to Heywood’s left with mouth agape. Heywood didn’t care. He was a man or would be soon, hopefully, and men from the South weren’t accustomed to being told what to do by some female. At least that’s what his grandpa always said. Heywood was tired of most of his buddies kidding him all the time about how his girlfriend had him under her thumb, foot, knee, elbow, as well as most all those other body parts. It was time for him to take a stand.
After the offending words were let loose into the ether, Heywood was somewhat surprised at the immediate surge of testosterone that went forth throughout his body. A slight smile came to his face. He liked the strange feeling that caused him to look over to her sister sitting to his right who looked every bit as if she was expecting a catastrophe to befall them all at any second. Heywood smiled and gave the frightened lass a wink. There was nothing to be afraid of, Heywood’s here!
Heywood, perhaps, might have better served his blind side if he’d started looking for some protective gear. Maybe some of that equipment those hockey goalies wear because he was going to be in for a surprise as soon as he turned back in the direction where the storm was brewing.
The punch that rang Heywood’s bell must have been launched only a fraction of a second before Heywood got completely turned back around. Heywood never saw it coming, although he certainly did feel it. One might say that Heywood had been officially clocked. Stars flew everywhere. “Did anyone see that bus?” would probably have been the words that Heywood would have yelled if he had had a second to respond to the wallop that rendered him somewhat dazed.
By this time, it seemed as if every packed with humans auto at every side of the intersection contained interested witnesses to the butt-whooping that some poor guy was receiving. Heywood wasn’t just sitting there. Actually, he had regained enough of his senses so that he was frantically crawling over the terrified sister to get out of the car, but she was paralyzed with fear over what was going on. When Heywood yelled at her to open the door all she could do was sit there frozen in time and space.
Heywood did finally get out of the car but not before receiving a number of glancing blows to the back of his head. He realized this when he later felt back there and discovered the knots. But at that moment as he stood beside the car giving further cause for all the carloads of commuters to start hooting and hollering even louder at the spectacle taking place across the intersection, Heywood did something he’s regretted every single day since. He put up his dukes and dared her to get out of the car and fight like a man.
The onlookers on all sides of the crowded intersection went bonkers at the weird sight of a single young man daring the young female driver to get out and fight, eliciting a whole chorus of hooting, hollering, and horn blowing.
Heywood had secured his place in the annals of high school legendary events. Afterwards, it seemed as if about every public place Heywood went, someone asked him if he was that guy. Unfortunately, Heywood’s supposed friends always volunteered that he most certainly was. They didn’t know what it felt like to be the only guy in the entire school or neighborhood to get beaten up by a girl in public.
Heywood tried on a couple of occasions to tell his side of the story. How he had been sucker punched. How he only wanted to get out of the car before he actually did get mad and do that thing that real guys do to people who cross them. But no one cared. They liked the story just the way it was. Chalk up a point for the distaff side.
Fortunately for Heywood, that was not the end of the story. He really did care for this young lady. Somewhere deep inside he knew he was much better off for having gotten to know her and her family. They were great people, and they had to know that Heywood was not the sole cause for that little rumble at the intersection. Even his girlfriend’s mother had encouraged him to stand up for himself when her daughter went off on one of her tirades. She knew Heywood would never do anything to harm her daughter, but she was on record as saying she wasn’t so sure if she could say the same thing if it was the other way around. Even her sister sympathized with Heywood.
So, after a couple of weeks, during which Heywood either rode the bus to school or didn’t go at all, he got a call one night. His ex-girlfriend started to have second thoughts about what life might be like without having someone to boss around even if one did it in a nice way. The conversation lead to the two of them getting back together, and you know what? Not one single person ever came up to Heywood while in her presence and made light of that most unfortunate incident. Everyone knew of her temper, and if they were not prepared to go to fist city and make fools out of themselves maybe they should leave it alone because she would most certainly get right up in their chests if need be.
There was another significant benefit that came from that long term relationship. It meant that Heywood had a summer job. Her d
ad owned a construction company and Heywood was, therefore, gainfully employed during the summer time. That also meant that he had ready cash available to go out on regular dates, buy gas to put in his dad’s car, and enjoy those big hamburgers at their favorite drive-in restaurant. It really was a cool time to be alive. Heywood and his girlfriend would sit for hours enjoying hamburgers and shakes while watching all their friends drive through with their dates. The ones who couldn’t find a parking place were only too happy to keep circling the lot revving their motors. Sometimes all of the cars would be started up so everyone could rev their motors simultaneously. What an amazing noise all those glass pack mufflers made.
Those were wonderful days. As Heywood looked back, he knew he would not trade them for anything. That girl and her wonderful family made him welcome in their lives for several years. But alas, some people mature faster than others. Heywood had an itch - a big itch to see what was out there in that great big world. As the rest of the chapters will attest, that’s what he did. He went out to see the world. But he never forgot the girl with the temper, the one who tried to help him see that just maybe he could be happy where he was. Who knows? Maybe he could have, but Heywood had a sneaky feeling he might have needed to wear a football helmet along the way. Also, if he had stayed, Heywood would not have another half book of stories to tell.
Perhaps an older gentleman, one who often regaled Heywood with vivid tales of his many adventures while traveling the world as a younger man, said it best when asked by Heywood to let him in on his secret to living a fulfilled life.
The old gentleman said he finally determined he could live his life one of two ways: by replicating the experiences of those who came before him; or by creating his own unique personal experiences. If he chose the former, he ended up living someone else’s life. Heywood decided he wanted to live his own life which required him to go out and take chances, to make those personal experiences personal