by Vera Hollins
“Really? That’s awesome.” The lack of excitement in his voice produced a sinking sensation in my stomach.
I knew well where this mild reaction came from, but I tried not to think about it. I couldn’t expect him to be ecstatic about Marcus, but I hoped he would find someone who could reciprocate his feelings.
I suppressed a fresh wave of guilt and focused on Ms. Donovan. Shelly had just finished her song, and it was time for all of us to practice for the festival performance.
Marcus often looked at Kevin, but Kev constantly stared at his shoes, singing with zero enthusiasm, and I felt like a terrible friend. We ended the song, and Ms. Donovan called it a day. Wanting to cheer Kevin up, I headed out of the classroom behind him, but the teacher called out for me.
“Jessica, may I have a moment of your time?”
I twisted my hands together. I’d forgotten I was supposed to tell her my decision about my solo.
“Sure.” I glanced at Kevin and offered him a huge smile. “See you tonight.” One of Hayden’s friends was throwing a party, and we’d all been invited.
He nodded, half-smiling, and rushed out of the classroom. I caught Marcus’s gaze and read the question in his eyes. I shrugged my shoulder. Kevin hadn’t refused to go out with him, but he also hadn’t agreed.
Ms. Donovan turned to face me when the classroom emptied. “So, have you made your decision?”
I bit the inside of my cheek as my pulse sped up. I felt I was standing at a crossroads, and my decision would determine who I was going to be: a coward or a fighter.
My stomach hurt just imagining myself out there, all alone in front of the whole school, doing what I’d dreaded all these years. It would be the most horrifying experience of my life that could lead to the ultimate embarrassment I wouldn’t be able to recover from.
Then again, running away from it would enforce my being a coward. It would prevent me from moving forward and actually doing something important in my life. I couldn’t become a singer if I couldn’t face my fears. I would have to kiss my dream goodbye and regret it for the rest of my life.
I didn’t want to confront my fears.
I was dying to get rid of them.
This could prove to be the worst decision of my life.
This could prove to be the best decision I’d ever made.
Follow your dreams, Jess.
I swallowed the bile that rose up my throat and raised my head to look at her. “Yes,” I answered in a shaky voice. “I’m going to do the solo.”
Her eyes filled with pride. “Excellent! That’s the best decision you could’ve made, Jessica. Let yourself shine.”
I returned her smile, but inside, I was absolutely terrified. How I was going to get my voice to work in front of an audience was beyond me.
I just hoped I’d made the right call.
The Uber driver pulled up behind one of many cars parked in the driveway of a large three-story house. I got out thinking about the session I’d had with Susan earlier. I’d told her about my decision to do my solo, and she’d praised me for taking charge of my life. She was sure I would be able to perform when the time came. As much as I wanted to share her enthusiasm, most of the scenarios my brain concocted weren’t good.
She was positive that the solo would boost my self-confidence and improve the way I saw myself, and somewhere deep down, I knew this could be a way to deal with my self-loathing. If I could prove to myself I had actual worth, I would, for once, enjoy being myself.
She also gave me homework. She told me to take a look in the mirror and find one positive thing for every negative thing I saw on myself and write it down. I did that, and it turned out I had more features I liked than I’d thought. I taped the list to my mirror, determined to focus more on the positives than the negatives.
I checked my reflection in my compact mirror when the Uber driver drove away and smiled. My blue eyes stood out with eyeliner and a mix of light and dark shadows that made them appear bigger. A fine layer of blush brought color to my fair face, while baby pink lipstick coated my lips. I wore black jeans, black five-inch high heels, and a floral low-cut waist-belted shirt that hid my love handles and emphasized my big boobs.
I looked beautiful. I took my phone out of my purse and snapped a few selfies, smiling at the camera. I chose the last photo and posted it on Instagram, feeling unusually confident.
Wait until Blake sees me.
Hold on. What?
I clenched my phone. After the previous night’s “almost kiss,” my mind was playing tricks on me, forcing me to think about him and his kiss. It didn’t help that he was a good kisser and extremely good-looking, which shouldn’t have mattered at all. He was my bully. I had to remember that. My bully. Nothing else.
I ran fingers through my straight hair to fix it. The music was blasting out of the house, and my blood pumped faster with excitement. Humming to the electro-pop song currently playing, I glanced at the cloudy sky before I texted Mel.
I’m here. Where are you?
Kev and I will meet you at the front door.
I maneuvered around tightly parked vehicles, my pulse accelerating. Mel and Kevin waited for me at the entrance, and they both looked like they were already tipsy. Kev wasn’t wearing his glasses, dressed in khaki jeans and one of his favorite tartan plaid shirts, which was a sharp contrast to Mel’s leather mini skirt and a black shirt with a white “My Eyes Are Up Here ↑” slogan across the chest.
“Wow,” Mel told me as she looked me up and down with round eyes. “You’re a bombshell.”
“It’s nothing special.” I tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.
Kevin was also staring at me, but it was the kind of stare that said I was the most beautiful girl in the world. My stomach knotted.
“Ha ha. Nothing special, she said,” Mel replied. “If that’s nothing special then I look like I’ve emerged out of a swamp.”
“You look beautiful. Both of you,” I said.
Kevin blushed. “Th-Thank you. You too.”
“Let’s go inside and get you something to drink.” Mel wound her arm through mine and headed inside.
The loud music and smoke surrounded me, and the strong beat caused my heart to pound harder. Mel guided us around the crowds of teenagers that transformed this big house into a matchbox, considering how many people were here. She led us to a room with three pools and a mini bar in the corner, and the hairs on my neck stood up. I could feel him. He was here somewhere.
My eyes darted over various faces until I found him sitting between Hayden and Masen at the bar, and I pulled my belly button in. His eyes were already on me, taking all of me in, making breathing difficult. He didn’t look away from me even once as we approached them, stripping me of everything, and that part of me I despised enjoyed it too much.
He was getting to me more and more, and I couldn’t control it.
“Where’s Steven?” I asked Mel.
She frowned, a hint of shadow passing over her face. “He’s probably doping up with his junkie pals at some shitty place. Let’s not talk about him tonight, okay?”
“Okay,” I agreed, seeing how much it bothered her.
“Hey,” I greeted Sarah, Hayden, and Masen when we joined them, ignoring Blake’s stare. Masen nodded at me and took a gulp of beer straight out of his bottle before he turned back to the gorgeous blonde he was talking with.
“Hey, Jess,” Sarah said and leaned in toward my ear. “You look so beautiful!”
My eyes met Blake’s over her shoulder, and a pang hit my chest. His stare was too intense, robbing me of breath and reason, and I needed to force myself to look away from him.
“Thanks. You also look beautiful,” I told her. “That dress is amazing on you.”
She wore a navy bodycon dress that showed off her thin waist and small hips, paired with ballet pumps with ankle straps. Hayden’s heated eyes were plastered on her, and I smiled inside with joy for them. He wrapped his arm around her waist when she moved bac
k to him and pressed a kiss on her lips with such intensity that I grew a bit hot just watching them.
My eyes flitted over to Blake again, who idly swung his beer bottle by its mouth between his fingers. I caught him staring at my breasts and blushed excessively. I pushed my hair to the front to hide my face.
“Okay, if these two ever kiss in front of kids, they’re going to traumatize them forever,” Mel said as she watched Sarah and Hayden kiss and passed Kev and me the drinks.
I rolled my eyes at her and took a cup of something that looked like water, but I knew better. I needed alcohol if I was going to get through Blake’s confusing mood changes. I downed the whole cup in a few gulps, butterflies wreaking havoc in my stomach. I was supposed to hate having his eyes on me. I had to hate it. I couldn’t let him reduce me to a pathetic fool that easily.
Mel handed me another cup, which I accepted eagerly, but then I noticed how down Kevin looked as his eyes shifted to Sarah and Hayden, and I realized he’d barely spoken two words since I arrived.
I placed my hand on his upper arm. “Kev? Are you okay?”
His arm tensed under my hand. “Yes.”
“You don’t look okay.”
He grinned and raised his thumb at me. “I’m great.”
“You know you can tell me anything that bothers you, right?”
“Yep.” His grin grew even larger, if that was possible.
“Guys, let’s go dance,” Mel told us before I could answer him. “We didn’t come here to be utility poles.”
“I guess you don’t want to dance with us,” Sarah said to Hayden, her lips swollen and eyes glazed.
He gave her a flat look. “Fuck no.”
“Right.” She kissed him one more time and yelped when he smacked her butt playfully. She smiled at him and linked her arm with mine, shaking her head.
I grinned and followed Mel out of the room, feeling Blake’s gaze on my back but never returning it.
Three hours and a couple more drinks later, I was a carefree bundle of joy. I’d danced my feet off to the music that made me high—or maybe that was the alcohol. Either way, it felt good, and I couldn’t stop smiling.
Sarah had gone somewhere with Hayden while Mel, Kevin, and I ended up playing truth or dare gathered around the kitchen island. Mel hadn’t wanted to play the game; she’d claimed it was stupid and would quit if she was asked to kiss someone, but Kev and I managed to convince her.
Masen and Blake were playing too, and I pretended I didn’t notice Blake’s continuous stares, looking at everything and everyone but him. The whole time my heartbeat refused to slow down.
The bottle had stopped on me only once so far, and I’d chosen truth, not brave enough to do a dare because most of the dares were about kissing someone or doing something horrifyingly embarrassing. A guy across from me had asked if I was a virgin, and I’d felt embarrassed by the question even with all the drinks in my system.
“No, I’m not,” I answered then, which was met with whistles. Blake’s eyes widened, followed by a glimpse of disappointment on his face before he put his neutral mask on. My mind fought to get to the bottom of that, but I was too drunk and distracted.
“Cucumber, right?” Masen added loudly, referring to one of the comments on that “Food Slut” Instagram photo that said I’d lost my virginity with a cucumber.
I blushed hard, but I met his amused eyes, speaking my mind before Mel could. “The only cucumber I know about is the one stuck in your butt.”
A few guys howled at this, and Mel grinned at me.
“That’s my girl,” she said, high-fiving me.
After that, Mel got dared twice and Blake once. He had to kiss the girl on his right, and my stomach twisted with something ugly as I watched him lean closer to her. I expected him to give her a long and deep kiss, however, he pulled away from the girl the moment their lips touched, his face expressionless.
A girl with purple hair on my right spun the bottle, and it stopped on the guy on Mel’s left. “Truth or dare?”
“Dare,” he said with no hesitation.
“I dare you to get on all fours and meow for the next two minutes.” We all burst into laughter.
The guy glared at her. “Really? Do you want me to purr too?”
The laughter around me grew louder. “If you want to.” The girl winked at him. Kev and I looked at each other, and our grins went wider.
“Bro, don’t make this harder on yourself,” his friend told him.
The guy groaned and went down on all fours. Masen pulled his phone out and directed it at him, ready to film.
“I feel s-sorry for him,” Kev told me.
I giggled. “Me too.”
The guy scowled at Masen over his shoulder. “Hey! Don’t record me!”
“Start meowing!” the purple-haired girl said, and the guy obeyed reluctantly.
“Meow. Meow. Meow,” he said, voice monotone as he crawled around the kitchen island.
“You sound like you’re on the verge of dying,” Masen told him, following him with his phone. “Louder! Embrace your inner cat!”
I doubled over with laughter, holding my stomach, which started to hurt. Masen and his antics.
I glanced over to Blake without thinking, and the laugh froze on my lips. He wasn’t laughing. He wasn’t even smiling as he observed no one else but me, his eyes strangely heated.
I couldn’t look away from him, not until the dare was over and the guy spun the bottle. It stopped on the blonde next to him, who chose dare and had to do a lap dance with him, but I couldn’t have cared less about it as Blake’s darkened eyes haunted me.
The bottle pointed at Mel next, and she chose dare. “I want you to kiss his neck,” the blonde said to Mel, motioning toward Masen. Oops. That wasn’t a good idea.
Mel’s jaw tightened. “Say what?”
“No way,” Masen said with a deep frown. “I refuse.”
The blonde looked at him like he’d said the earth was flat. “Why?” She cast a determined gaze at Melissa. “Come on. Don’t spoil the fun. Do it or you’re out.”
Mel crossed her arms over her chest; her eyes carried only contempt for Masen. “Then I’m out. There’s no way I’ll touch him.”
Masen sneered. “There’s no way I’ll let you touch me.”
“I’m glad the feeling is mutual, Barbie.” She stomped out of the kitchen before I could even say anything or stop her. I blinked a few times to clear my blurry vision.
“Do you think she’s going to be all right?” I asked Kevin.
He shrugged. “That’s Mel. You know she, she, she can handle herself.”
“What’s up with you and that girl?” the blonde asked Masen.
“Nothing. I just can’t stand that nutcase.”
“Don’t call her a nutcase,” I snapped. As much as I hated drawing attention to myself, I felt proud for finally standing up for my friends. Even if it did take a couple of drinks.
“All right, all right, all right,” the blonde said before Masen could answer. “Let’s not turn this into drama. I’ll spin the bottle again.”
This time, the bottle ended up on Kevin, and he surprisingly chose dare.
“Hmm. Let me think.” The blonde pressed her finger to her lips.
“You sure you want to do this?” I said into his ear, giggling. “Seeing the way they are, they will ask you to lick the floor.”
Kevin nudged my shoulder with a chuckle. “I’ll be fine.”
I could feel Blake observing my interaction with Kevin too carefully, and heat surged to my cheeks. The whole night he’d been staring at me, and I couldn’t figure out his deal. I expected him to bully me, but it didn’t happen.
“Okay. I want you to kiss my friend.” The blonde pointed at the black girl with braids across from her, and Kev blushed furiously.
“S-Sure,” he said, but he visibly swallowed.
“Does this faggot know how to kiss a girl?” a guy next to the black girl said, stunning us into silence.
<
br /> Kevin paled and dropped his gaze. I balled my hands into fists with the growing need to protect him.
“He’s gay?” his friend asked him. “Eww. Hell no.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being gay,” I bit out, shaking with anger. Kev was motionless next to me. Too motionless.
“It is if you can get STDs,” the purple-haired girl said, and I gaped at her.
“Have you ever heard of condoms?” I asked her in a quivering voice. Kev was almost in tears.
“As if they can actually help.”
I was ready to have words with her, but Kevin darted from his spot, pushing through people to get out of the kitchen, and I rushed after him right away, hoping I wasn’t drunk enough to fall over.
“Kev!” I called out. Those ignorant and awful people!
I reached him on the back porch. There was no one in the back yard, and the music wasn’t loud out here, the smell of the imminent rain present in the air. It got colder, but the alcohol was warming me up.
“Don’t pay attention to them.” I stopped behind him.
He didn’t turn around. “It’s not easy to, to do that, because th-those kind of people are everywhere! How can I tell p-p-people I’m b-bisexual if they’re going to react like that?”
A lump formed in my throat. I placed my hand on his shoulder. “I know. It’s not fair, and there’s a lot of injustice in this world, but not everyone is like them. There are good people out there, Kev. There are people who won’t judge you or look at you any differently because of your sexuality.”
“I know th-there are good people out there, but that doesn’t mean anything when this happens. It’s difficult to accept who I am when I’m b-bullied for it. I wish I could change it.”
I moved next to him and peered into his face. His red eyes and the pain in them left a deep gash in me, and I pulled him into my embrace, already sobering up. I understood him perfectly. I understood firsthand what it was like to suppress yourself because you were afraid of what the world would say. They held the power over us, silencing our voices, dreams, and desires, turning them into dust and us into shells of who we really were, and for what?