by Vera Hollins
“Then we can go there,” Marcus told Kev. “What do you think?”
Kev smiled. “Let’s do that.”
I giggled and placed my hand on Kev’s shoulder as I leaned toward him. “Just make sure Kev doesn’t eat too much ice cream. He doesn’t actually know when to stop.”
Kevin flushed, while Marcus chuckled. Out of habit, I glanced at Blake, who stood nearby facing us. He glanced away almost immediately, and my smile vanished. I could have sworn he’d been looking at my hand that was still on Kevin’s shoulder.
I retracted it, my heart bouncing. Mel said something, but I didn’t hear her as my thoughts spun frantically in my mind. It was that easy for Blake to make me flustered.
Sarah’s face lit up when Hayden headed our way, and her starry eyes slid down and up his body. Just like Blake, Hayden attracted girls’ attention, but he never looked anyone’s way but Sarah’s, his gaze smoldering.
He crouched in front of her and placed his hands on her knees, and I couldn’t stop a smile from forming on my face. But envy flickered in me a second later, reminding me I wanted the same thing with Blake. My treacherous eyes went to him again. I was extremely nervous about the song I was going to perform, even more so because Blake was going to be in the audience.
“You look like you’re about to get me naked right here,” I heard Hayden whisper in her ear. I blushed, looking all around the gym as I pretended I hadn’t heard that.
“I’ll get you naked later,” she replied seductively in his ear and kissed his cheek.
My fingers curled into a fist of their own volition. Their exchange brought back a whisper of a memory of Blake’s lips on me, and it was almost too much. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was hard to believe that had actually happened and wasn’t just a product of my imagination.
The game started ten minutes later, and my eyes sought Blake more often than not. I was high on seeing him play, fascinated by his focus and skills. He and Hayden scored the most points, and when our team won, it wasn’t even close. Far from it. The whole gym broke out into cheers and unintelligible shouts, and I jumped to my feet to clap like everyone else with a gigantic grin plastered to my face.
The guys rushed to each other and did a group hug. I shouted words of encouragement along with others, and when Blake looked in my direction, it was like a kick that knocked all the air out of me. Our gazes locked for the first time after almost a week. Our eyes communicated what our bodies wouldn’t, and it brought me a burning longing that increased with each second we spent looking at each other.
For a few moments, it was like our argument hadn’t ever happened. It was like there was just us and this connection that resonated between us, and the world wasn’t so dark anymore.
But then Masen clapped Blake on his back and exchanged a few words with him, forcing Blake’s gaze away from me, and the spell was broken. Sarah met Hayden halfway before they went in for a celebratory kiss that was movie-worthy, invoking another painful fantasy of Blake and me together.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I took it out and unlocked it to find a message from Mom.
We’re here.
I looked around the audience in the bleachers, squinting to find my parents in the sea of faces. I spotted them sandwiched between other parents in the second-to-last row. My mom waved at me, and I waved back, getting more nervous. I just wanted them to be proud of me when I started my solo.
“My parents are here,” I told Kev.
He pushed his glasses up his nose. “You’ll rock, Jess. Th-They and everyone will love it.”
I tugged at my shirt and flattened the invisible creases. In around thirty minutes, the solos would start, and I would have to perform in front of everyone. I had to do this. I had to.
“I should’ve learned my mom’s breathing techniques. I think I’m going to hyperventilate.”
“Don’t s-s-stress about it. You’ll do just fine.”
“We should’ve done a duet. It would be easier for me to go out there if I had someone by my side.”
“You can do it, Jessica,” Marcus cheered. “You know what Ms. Donovan always tells you—your voice is so good you’ll do well no matter how you sing.”
I sighed. “She was sugarcoating it to get me to relax.”
“But she wasn’t lying,” Kev said. “Your voice is p-perfect.”
“Thanks,” I said on an exhaled breath then went over to greet my parents.
They were excited to see me perform because this would be my first public performance since sixth grade. Mom had told me quite a few times this morning how proud she was of me and assured me I would do great. Dad had given me a thumbs-up and said he was one hundred percent sure everyone would love my solo.
I took my Martin from Mom, who had brought it for me, and returned to my friends. The guitar had never seemed heavier in my hands than now, and I fiercely hoped my voice wouldn’t betray me and my stomachache wouldn’t get worse, because I felt like I was going to have diarrhea being this wigged out.
Blake, Masen, and Hayden went with their team for a quick shower and a change of clothes before they came back to the gym, and they arrived just in time for the choir to step out on the court.
The flutters in my belly tripled when they took seats on Steven’s other side, and for a few moments, I couldn’t move from my seat. I was mortified of drawing any attention to myself, most of all Blake’s.
Kevin and Marcus stood up and looked at me with raised eyebrows, and I couldn’t delay it any longer. I rose to my feet with my heart working in a wild rhythm.
“You’ll nail it, girl.” Mel winked at me. “Don’t think about anything. Just immerse yourself in your music or whatever poetic thing you artists do.” She made some dramatic moves with her arms, as if she was acting in a play.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Blake looking at me, and I stiffened. “Thanks, Mel.” My voice wasn’t mine, and I had to give myself a quick inner pep talk so I could get my body to move.
Sarah’s eyes glowed warmly as she smiled. “You can do it.”
I managed to smile back at her in response and finally moved my sluggish legs. My body buzzed with awareness. It seemed like the whole audience stared at me as I joined the choir on the dais and left my guitar on the side for later. I had to stand in the front row because of my small height, which only hiked up my anxiety.
I twisted my hands together and looked over my shoulder at Kevin and Marcus, who stood directly behind me. “I’m so nervous,” I whispered to them.
Kev patted my shoulder and gave me a few words of encouragement that managed to dispel some of the tension in me. After Ms. Donovan’s short speech, we started our piece, and I was able to relax enough not to mess up as the voices surrounded me in perfect harmony.
Before I knew it, it was over and the solos were next. Shelly was performing first, so Ms. Donovan sat down at the piano that had been brought to the stage to accompany her. We remained standing at our assigned places as a sign of support, and my nerves got more frayed with each minute closer to my performance. I should’ve gone to the restroom before this. I needed to pee so badly.
I listened to two solos that followed with a pounding heart and an aching stomach because the next and last solo was mine. I was terrified that I was going to sing off-key or play a bad note, and all kinds of nerve-racking scenarios dominated my mind.
Submerged in fear, I didn’t even hear Ms. Donovan call me to perform next. Kev had to nudge me to get my attention, whispering that it was my turn, and for a moment, I couldn’t move. Every single step was hard as I picked up my guitar and went to sit behind the mic. I clutched the neck of my guitar like it was my only defense against the apocalypse that was going to wreak havoc on me and obliterate the ounce of courage I’d managed to gather.
Kevin stepped in front of me with his GoPro and smiled encouragingly, but all I could think about was that he was going to record my failure. I looked away from the lens, beginning to think it was a bad idea
to use this performance to show myself on my channel.
I cleared my throat. “Ah, hello,” I said, checking the volume of the microphone. My voice sounded like someone was strangling me. I’d prepared a few sentences to say as my introduction, but my nervousness erased them completely from my mind and I couldn’t come up with anything to say.
Everyone was silent, too silent, and the loud drumming of my heart filled my ears. So many unknown faces in the audience melded into a mass of various colors that prevented me from finding my parents, and I had to blink a few times to clear my vision. My breathing quickened. I expected to hear insults tossed out at any moment…
You’re fat. You can’t sing. Go home. You belong in a zoo, hippo. A wailing cat sounds better than you.
I gripped the microphone stand to adjust it to the right height, almost nauseated. I couldn’t do this. I was going to open my mouth and nothing would come out. I was going to mess up my notes. I was going to fail, no doubt.
This was a mistake. How the hell did I think I could do this in front of the whole school?
I clutched my guitar. I felt like I could bolt out of here at any moment, but then Blake’s words rushed back to me, reminding me of how important it was to stay.
“Running away doesn’t make bad things disappear. Tough it out. Fight back. And even if you get hurt in the process, at least you aren’t a pathetic coward in the end.”
Mel and Hayden had both told me how important it was to face my fears. I knew it myself, yet I always took the easy way out.
I could feel my muscles unwinding, and more air reached my lungs. I searched the audience again and found my parents. Even from my spot I could see my mom’s bright smile, which helped me calm down. They were there and they believed in me.
If I ran away now, without even trying to play, I was going to regret it. I had to push through this. It was an extremely personal song, but if I couldn’t perform it now, I couldn’t hope to perform any of my songs in the future.
I took another deep breath and looked at Sarah and Melissa, who were smiling at me with their thumbs raised. Okay, I can do this.
“I’m Jessica.” My voice trembled, but I pushed on. “The song I’m about to sing tells a story that started with bullying but turned into something else. It carries a special message, and I hope you’ll like it. It’s called ‘Trapped.’”
Here goes nothing.
I closed my eyes and moved my fingers over the strings, playing the first few notes. My hands shook so much I was sure I was going to miss some, but the melody that came out was good. It was even more than good. It embraced me and led me away from a place full of insecurities to a place of joy, allowing me to forget my fear.
It started with hate
It ended with love
You and me, we’re cornered
In the world of dust
In this endless circle
Our story is like shattered glass
I can’t stop loving you
I can’t start forgiving you
And I’m trapped
I’m cornered
In this world where there’s nothing but our pain
And I’m torn
I’m left to wonder
If this has all been just one big game
Fate has played us well
Between heaven and hell
I’m trapped
I opened my eyes and let them find Blake as I slowed down the tempo before the second verse. I felt a jolt in my stomach when our gazes locked, pulled to him by the same invisible thread that always kept us connected.
Sunflowers bloom
But some loves never do
This is my apology
And last confession to you
Scars run too deep to heal
And all that’s left is fear
I can’t stop loving you
I want to start forgiving you
And I’m trapped
I’m cornered
In this world where there’s nothing but our pain
And I’m torn
I’m left to wonder
If this has all been just one big game
Fate has played us well
Between heaven and hell
Blake’s eyes never left mine, and the raw expression on his face sliced me open. It was anguish, awe, and yearning combined together, allowing to me sing my heart out—allowing me to connect to him like never before—and my chest clenched with love for him.
I’m accepting my love as I watch you go
At the corner of past regrets, pain, and sorrow
Just a shade under a starry sky, you and me
And then a kiss
Or two
Or three
And I’m trapped
I’m cornered
In this world where there’s nothing but our pain
And I’m torn
I’m left to wonder
If this has all been just one big game
Fate has played us well
Between heaven and hell
I am trapped
I plucked the strings and stopped. My chest was tight with emotions that invited tears to my eyes. I couldn’t look away from Blake, truly trapped by his gaze, which conveyed his true feelings. He’d never looked at me like this before—a gaze so tender and immensely soft it almost undid me.
Now he knew. Now he knew I loved him. I’d stripped myself of all the layers of lies, doubts, and restrictions and allowed him to see it. I’d allowed myself to see it, accepting the truth. I loved him.
Applause erupted all around, and I looked at the audience with a start, only now remembering where I was. There were no mocking faces or sneers, only wide smiles and expressions of admiration as they gave me a standing ovation, and relief found its way through me.
I’d been able to pour my soul out.
I’d managed to do my solo in front of everyone and bring the house down.
A wave of self-pride stronger than ever before took over me. I had never felt better in my skin than now.
I grinned at Kevin. Only now did I realize I was shaking so hard. The audience still clapped, which eliminated any remaining doubts or insecurities I might’ve had.
“You were amazing, Jess,” Kev said as he turned off his GoPro. “That was awesome.”
“Thank you,” I mouthed before standing up to take a bow.
I looked at my parents and felt like I could tear up at any moment because they’d never looked prouder of me than they did right now. Both of them were on their feet as they applauded me fiercely. Mom wiped away a few tears, and I placed my hand against my heart.
I’d always hoped for my parents to look at me this way because of my music, and now that it’d happened, I felt like I could conquer the whole world with my voice and my guitar. I could make my dreams come true. I would make my dreams come true.
“Jessica, that was wonderful!” Ms. Donovan told me. “I know talent when I see it, and let me tell you—you’re going to be a major star one day.”
Her praise meant so much I didn’t have the right words to express it. So, I just said, “Thank you, Ms. Donovan.”
Mrs. Aguda announced the end of the program, and everyone started dispersing. I stepped off the stage with the other choir members, wearing a permanent smile as they congratulated me on my performance. My steps felt lighter when I reached my friends and let them engulf me in their hugs and shower me with compliments.
“You did a good job,” Hayden told me. There was no smile on his face, but I saw approval in his eyes.
“Thanks,” I replied sheepishly, and then I finally allowed myself to look in Blake’s direction. However, his seat was empty.
My eyes searched for him around the gym before I could stop myself. I couldn’t find him anywhere, and my lips went downward. Well, I couldn’t have expected him to congratulate me or compliment me, now could I?
My parents approached me and pulled me into their embrace.
“You were amazing, honey,” my m
om said into my hair, her arms holding me tight. “Your voice is one of a kind.” She drew away and rubbed her upper arms. “I still have shivers!”
“We’re so proud of you,” Dad said with a soft smile as he ruffled my hair.
“Dad! Don’t do that!” I pulled away from him and ran my hand over my hair to flatten it. “I spent lots of time fixing it.” He let out a chuckle.
“Your solo was the best,” Mom told me quietly, checking to make sure Shelly and the other choir members weren’t nearby. “The others did well too, but there was something special about your performance. And the song!” She placed her hand across her chest. “So beautiful! So emotional.”
I averted my gaze. “Thanks, Mom.”
My parents’ encouragement meant a lot. It drowned out the previous flare of disappointment that Blake was gone.
For now, his absence didn’t matter. I’d managed to break through my fear and win against myself, and nothing was going to ruin that.
I was helping Mr. Maynard set up some of the props for the next day’s conference in the gym, so I stayed at school way after the festival activities were finished. I worked alongside him quietly, counting the minutes until we were done and I could head to Mel’s place for another sleepover.
“That will be all, Miss Metts,” Mr. Maynard said after a while. “Thank you for your help.”
I brushed my dusty palms against my jeans. My legs were killing me from standing the whole day, but not even exhaustion could dull my sense of accomplishment. It had been a great day.
“You’re welcome. Have a nice rest of the day!”
“You too.”
I headed to the parking lot. I left my jacket unbuttoned because the weather was warm. I was close to my car when I checked my phone for any messages from Mel or Sar, but a sudden chill rushed down my spine, and I stopped.
I looked around. I noticed a few students here and there, but no one was looking in my direction. There was nothing suspicious, yet my body was buzzing with a strange awareness that someone was watching me.