by Vera Hollins
Fear invaded my every pore as my eyes followed the ridges of the tense muscles in his back. The scary voice deep within me told me this wouldn’t end well.
“That’s why you had those photos—you’re keeping tabs on them.” He nodded. “And that video? You were watching it that day. Why?”
He didn’t reply immediately. He took a deep breath in and gave me a searing gaze. “Because I started thinking about a certain girl a little too much, allowing myself to imagine things that aren’t in the cards for me.” My stomach gave a little jump. “I needed a reminder so I wouldn’t forget what’s the most important.”
Never forget.
“That’s why you wrote that note? Never forget?”
He nodded. I closed my eyes for a brief second. I wanted to revel in his words, but I didn’t let that distract me from the more pressing matter.
“So you’re going to get justice for Emma at the cost of your life? But what do you plan to do?”
The short silence that followed my words was like a premonition of the dark.
“I’ll go to their homes and kill them.”
I plastered my hands over my mouth, crying out. “No, you can’t be serious.”
He turned to face me. “I’m very serious.”
“But you aren’t a murderer. You aren’t like that.”
He took a step closer to me; his eyes were hard and unforgiving. “And how would you know who I am? How would you know what’s inside of me?” He hit his chest with his fist. “For years, I’ve lived with this poison. For years, I’ve had this rage that needs to be released. I can’t live with this injustice anymore.”
“And what do you plan to do? Just barge in all alone?”
He didn’t respond, but he didn’t need to. His face told me everything I needed to know, and an invisible hand gripped my heart and twisted it painfully.
“That’s why you don’t want to go to some faraway college,” I said. “You want to stay here so you can exact your revenge on them.”
“I’ve never even cared about college. I knew once I found those sons of bitches, there were only two alternatives: kill them and end up in the slammer or die trying.”
Fresh tears poured down my face. He was ready to give up his life and future for the sake of dealing with his past. He was ready to kill—
I rushed toward him and grabbed his forearm. “You can’t do that. You can’t!” I raised my voice, becoming hysterical. “I understand how much you love her, and I understand the injustice, but the authorities need to handle them. You can’t ruin your life—”
“Don’t you get it?!” He grabbed my upper arms and pulled me against him, his eyes growing teary. “I can’t keep living if I don’t do it! That was the only reason I pulled through and found the strength to keep living, and each time I wanted to give up, I had that video to remind me not to. My revenge is the only reason I didn’t kill myself a long time ago.”
I choked on air. The agony, the fear, the suicidal thoughts… I hadn’t known he held so much pain inside of him. I hadn’t known it ran so deep.
My fingers clutched his shirt. “No, no. Don’t say that. Don’t. You’re so much more than this. So much more.”
Tears overflowed his eyes and slid down his cheeks. “Really? Says the person I bullied the shit out of for six months. Six fucking months.” He released me and stepped away, brushing off his tears. “I’m no better than those people.”
I grimaced. “Do you even hear yourself? Are you actually putting yourself on the same level as those murderers and rapists?”
He winced, his pale face contorting with agony. He took a deep breath and then another, clenching his hands into fists.
“I have to be on their level if I want to deal with them.”
I caught his arms. “You’re not a killer, Blake. You’re not. Please don’t do it. I… If you do that, I…” I sobbed, suffocating with pain. “If you do that…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence.
He raised his hand and threaded his fingers through my hair. “I know, and it hurts so much.” He brought his other hand to my cheek. “It hurts knowing I’m doing this to you.” He rested his forehead against mine. “How things have changed. Everything was easier before I met you. Even when you arrived, it was easier because I hated you. You were nothing to me. But then I started having these feelings for you, and now? Now I feel like shit because I want you to be happy, but I can never make you happy. And you shouldn’t worry about me, because I don’t deserve to live after everything I’ve put you through.”
I grasped his shirt. “No, don’t say that. I can’t believe you’re actually thinking that. Of course you deserve to live, so don’t say something so stupid.” I shook with tears, clutching the material in my hands like it was my lifeline.
“Don’t cry,” he whispered. “You’ve cried more than enough because of me.”
“And how do you want me to react, Blake?” I pulled away to look at him. “You tell me all of this and expect me to…what? Support your plan for revenge? You’re going up against murderers only to become one! You know this could get you killed, yet…yet…”
I stopped, letting my words dissolve into nothing. I couldn’t convince him to give up on his revenge. No matter what I said, it wouldn’t change a thing. I could see the resolve in his eyes, could hear it in his words. There was no other way for him. He didn’t even want to try another way.
Maybe he was physically away from that basement, but mentally…mentally, he was still there, trapped in that dark room that now owned his life.
“There is really nothing I can do or say to make you reconsider?” I asked in a trembling voice.
He ran his hands down his face and exhaled loudly. “Don’t do this to me. I can’t even think about any other alternative, not after all these years. That’s why you should forget about me. I brought you here to make you see we can’t be together. You should fall for someone else. Not me.”
My lips twisted into a smile of pain. I was crumbling inside. I’d never had him, but I still felt like I was losing him, and it was slowly tearing me apart.
“Yet whenever I’m around any other guy, you’re jealous. Are you able to forget about me?”
His eyes darkened with so much longing it felt like a caress on my skin. Like the touch of his fingers that now trailed my arms to rest on my shoulders.
“I tried so hard these days, but it was impossible. All I wanted was to kiss the hell out of you.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to my forehead. The touch was so light, but it had a powerful impact on me nevertheless.
I let out a small, hoarse chuckle. “And there I was, hoping you would look at me at least once.”
“I wanted to do that and a lot more, so badly. You were sitting in front of me in U.S. history, and I couldn’t think about anything but you. A few times, I was so close to pulling you into some classroom so I could do what I’ve fantasized about for so long, but I had to stay away from you. It was better for both of us.”
Heat surged through me, awakening all my nerves and alleviating the pain. “And what have you fantasized about?” I was playing with fire here, but I couldn’t resist. It was stronger than my reason.
He wound his arms around my waist and pulled me closer. The air between us slowly became charged. I sank into him, basking in the feel of our bodies against each other.
“I’ve fantasized about having all of you.” He leaned down and pushed my hair to the side. His lips skimmed over my skin delicately. He groaned. “Don’t do this to me.”
“Do what?”
“Tempt me like this. I told myself I wouldn’t be selfish. You don’t deserve more pain after everything I’ve done to you.”
He started to pull away, but something in me reached the bursting point, and I grabbed his shoulders to keep him close to me. “And what if I want to? What if I want the illusion? Just for a little while.”
His eyes grew dark and dropped to my lips. “You don’t know what you’re saying. It’s only goin
g to make things worse for us.”
Yes, it was going to make everything worse, but now I understood what he’d meant when he said we were on borrowed time. The clock was ticking, rushing us toward our final separation, and my heart won over reason. What was one moment of passion? One moment of indulging in what I’d wanted so badly? I wanted any piece of him, no matter how fleeting and small it was—no matter how selfish or imprudent I was—just for a little while before our time ran out.
All caution cast aside, I pressed my palms against his chest. His heart pounded hard beneath my hands, tempting me to lean in and kiss the spot right over it. “But you wanted the illusion too, that night at the sunflower field. So what’s different this time?”
He frowned. His expression was torn as he pondered my words, his desperate eyes reaching all of me, and then…
“Fuck.” He grabbed my face, giving in. “It’s not fair. I shouldn’t have fallen for you. I shouldn’t have even met you. Why is life playing this cruel joke on us?”
I could hardly breathe. My chest was tight with need for him.
“Maybe that’s life telling you not to go through with your revenge,” I whispered, holding on to the thread of hope that he would reconsider. “To keep on living because you have so much to live for.”
He grimaced, his gaze moving over each inch of my face. “You have no idea, Jessica. You have no idea how hard it is.”
My hand clasped his shirt. “But it can get easier in time. It has to.”
I propelled myself up on my toes and kissed his cheek, letting my lips linger on his skin. I started to pull away, but he grabbed my head with both hands and claimed my lips, creating shards of pleasure deep within me. I responded immediately, kissing him back like it was my first and last time doing so. Our bodies entangled as our hands fought to touch more and more, and we lost ourselves in the desperation of the moment.
“You’re turning my world upside down,” he said between kisses.
“Likewise.”
He moaned and left open-mouthed kisses along my jaw as his hands slid down to rest on my back. “I want you so much I can’t hold myself back anymore.” He nibbled my neck. “So, if you don’t want me…just say it. Say it now—”
I claimed his lips in response and kissed him urgently. His words and kisses aroused me to the point where I couldn’t go on without having him. He lowered his hands even further and cupped my butt, pressing me against him, and the heat eliminated the cold that’d resided in me the last few minutes. It helped me forget the cruel reality for at least a little while. None of it mattered in this moment.
“Say it, Jessie,” he growled impatiently.
“I want you, Blake,” I said, quietly but with determination, letting him know I wasn’t going anywhere.
That was all he needed to grab my hand and yank me after him, darting out of the garden. The journey to his room was filled with kisses and fervent touches that stripped me of more reason and blurred the rest of the world. By the time we reached it, I was completely delirious for him.
The dazzling rays of sunset bathed the room through the full-length windows, with the shades of purple, orange, and yellow cascading over the floor and the furniture. I got flutters in my belly at the thought that I was in his room again, closer to him than I’d ever gotten before.
Blake took our jackets off, pinned me against the wall, and kissed me hard, our tongues dancing together to the tune of our passion. His hands made a journey across my arms, waist, and hips, never coming to a stop, and I felt like I was going to combust at any moment. His lips slid slowly across my cheek and jaw as they planted kisses on their way to my neck, which strummed my nerve endings.
“I want to feel every inch of you,” he said in a husky voice that rumbled against my skin. He sank down to his knees and wrapped his arms around me.
My eyes rounded. “Blake?”
He raised his head to look at me. His eyes were pleading and full of need. “I want to kiss you everywhere.”
He kissed me over my shirt, right above the waistband of my jeans, and I let out a moan, heat pooling in between my thighs. I grabbed his head to pull him closer, but then I remembered my body issues. He was going to see all my imperfections, which would certainly put him off.
“Wait.” I tried to push away from him, but his hands firmly wound around me to keep me in place. “Don’t kiss me there.”
His eyes softened as he looked at me. “Kiss you where? Here?” He placed another kiss on my stomach. I gripped his hair. “Or here?” He kissed my right love handle. “Or maybe here?” He leaned to the other side and kissed my left love handle, and to my surprise, I was starting to relax.
His lips curled into a loving smile. “You’re beautiful.” He placed his hand on my stomach and moved it down only to stop inches above my core. My insides clenched. “Every part of you, no matter how big or small, and I want to prove it to you.”
He raised my shirt slowly, never taking his heated eyes off of mine, and peppered my belly with tiny kisses that had me close to begging for more. Just like that night at the sunflower field, all doubts ceased to exist under his gaze and touches, and I stopped resisting the pleasure. There was no disgust on his face as he looked at my stomach fat, just lust. It made me feel beyond desirable, and I gave up on the thought of sucking in my belly so I would appear slimmer.
“I can’t erase my insults or fix the damage, but I can try to make it up to you. I can try to show you how beautiful and sexy you are to me.”
He unzipped my jeans and pulled them down bit by bit, his breaths coming out more quickly. I could see the coiled tension in his muscles that told me he was restraining himself and going slowly only because of me, and my heart swelled with a sudden rush of love. I was mesmerized as I watched him pull off my jeans and discard them on the floor; I’d never seen this Blake before.
He smiled when his gaze landed on my pink floral panties. “Pink and flowers…I should’ve known.”
I blushed. “Is there something wrong with that?”
His smile illuminated his whole face. “No, I love it. It’s even better than I imagined.”
I bit my lip to stifle a moan, but then he surprised me when he placed my leg over his shoulder and started kissing my inner thigh, moving his lips even over my cellulite. He looked at me like every bit of me was perfect, and I believed him. I believed all my imperfections were perfect to him, and it was empowering. Maybe I didn’t have a thin waist or slim thighs, but I could make this sexy guy look at me this way.
I closed my eyes shut and tilted my head back as my hands reached to grab his hair. He took his time cherishing my skin, sliding his lips up and down my thigh slowly, each time coming so close to my core only to pull away. I was seconds away from begging him to kiss me where I needed it the most.
Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, he pressed his lips over my panties, kissing me right there, and my world spun.
“Blake.” I sucked air in as I returned his fervid gaze.
“I’ve wanted this for a very long time,” he whispered, his eyes incredibly dark. He pushed my panties aside and pressed his lips directly onto my heated flesh, and my whole body jerked with the sizzling bolt of pleasure.
I started to shake uncontrollably, trying to comprehend how something could feel so amazing. He made me feel something so intense and addictive that overwhelmed all my senses, and I wished these seconds could stretch into forever. I wished there was no tomorrow that separated us, only today and this sheathing warmth that seemed boundless.
I climaxed with a scream that tore out of my throat and held him tightly until the last aftershock ripped through my body and ebbed into a haze of ecstasy. His eyes never left mine as he picked me up, carried me across the room, and deposited me on the edge of his bed.
“You’re so damn beautiful,” he told me, his deep voice sliding over my skin like silk.
I felt so good, so powerful. “Thank you.”
“No, thank you.”
“For giving yourself to me.”
I didn’t know what to say to those unexpected words. All I knew was that this longing for him pulsed stronger and gave life to the foolish hope that maybe things could be different. It was dangerous thinking this way, but right now, experiencing this side of reality—this side of Blake—I felt a flicker of hope that he would give up on destroying his life for the sake of his revenge.
He stepped back, and my heart missed a beat or two when he peeled the shirt off over his head and revealed the perfectly contoured muscles of his arms, chest, and stomach. I took him in greedily and tried to memorize as much of him as I could. He had an intricate circular tattoo on the left side of his chest, and I couldn’t resist running my finger over it. He inhaled sharply, his eyelids lowering as he observed me touching him.
“What does your tattoo represent?”
“It’s the Aztec symbol of courage and strength.” I ran my fingers over its edges, and his breathing quickened. “It’s a reminder for me to keep going,” he added.
I was about to pull my hand away when my fingers brushed over a small rough patch of the skin the tattoo covered. I peered at the quarter-inch round spot, which looked like a bullet scar. My heart contracted painfully. Had he also been shot in that basement?
I frowned at it. “What’s this?”
“A remnant of my past. It doesn’t matter now.” He didn’t elaborate, and I didn’t push.
He stepped away and took off his jeans, only his black Calvin Klein boxers remaining. My cheeks warmed when my eyes fell on his big erection. He smirked.
“That’s what you do to me,” he said. “That’s how attractive you are.” I squirmed on the bed, all flushed and aroused.
He helped me slip out of my shirt and underwear and drew away to look at my naked body. A soft smile played across his lips. I got the old urge to cover myself, but I suppressed it, refusing to let that stupid voice of insecurity ruin this moment for me. This was me, with all my flaws, and I wasn’t going to apologize for it or be ashamed.