by Mary Grand
Beth went over to the sink, poured herself another glass of water, sat back down, straight backed.
‘You must realise how all this has looked to me? You’ve no idea how confused and hurt I’ve felt, where my mind has been.’
He scratched his forehead. ‘You didn’t think there was anything between me and Kathleen, did you?’
Beth fiddled with her wedding ring. ‘I’ve been thinking that, yes. I’ve been thinking all sorts.’
‘Like what?’
The clock on the dresser ticked.
‘Like, would you threaten Kathleen to keep her quiet?’
‘Good God, Beth. Do you know me at all?’
‘I thought I did, but you’ve been lying to me and you left all these questions unanswered. I’ve had to answer them as best I could.’
‘I was simply trying to keep to a promise, to let Kathleen sort things out with Patrick, and then she died. I didn’t know how to tell you.’ He looked up. ‘I can’t believe you thought I was capable of treating anyone like that.’
‘My mind has been all over the place. Once the idea that you’d slept with Kathleen got into my head, that you might have fathered a child with her, everything went crazy.’
‘I don’t know what to say, but I promise you I never slept with Kathleen. I’ve never loved her in that way. You’re the person I love, have my children with, want to grow old with. I thought you knew that.’
‘If you’d been less secretive, told me what was going on, I’d have understood.’
‘I’m so sorry. Look: there are the texts I sent to Kathleen when we got back from London on Wednesday evening.’
Putting his glasses back on, he read them out. ‘“Tell Patrick. It’s the best way. He loves you. He will forgive you.” Kathleen didn’t answer me, but then we had the inspection and failed. That evening I wrote again, “Try not to worry about work. Concentrate on sorting things with Patrick.” Kathleen replied to that. “I’m sorry about the mistakes at work. I will try and talk to Patrick soon. There are other things, though, I have to sort out first.” I had no idea what these things were that Kathleen was talking about, but on Saturday evening she wrote to me, “Thank you for your help. You and Beth are such good friends. I am going to try and put things right soon.”’
Beth read them herself: it was all so sane and normal.
‘From the bottom of my heart, I can tell you, there was nothing between me and Kathleen,’ said Sami. ‘I love you. I never loved her. You do believe me, don’t you?’
Beth read the words. Her eyes blurred with tears. She sat back in her chair. She sipped water to sooth the burning in her throat. ‘I want to—’
Sami grabbed her hand. ‘If you’d let your mind go to me threatening Kathleen, did you let it go further? Please tell me you never thought I would have done anything to harm Kathleen.’
She stood. The sound of her breathing seemed to fill the kitchen. He was waiting. Would she speak the truth? She’d already accused him of infidelity, of fathering another woman’s child. How would he cope with her saying she’d considered him capable of murder?
‘No, of course not. I know you better than that.’
‘Thank God. I’m so sorry for what I’ve put you through. I’m sorry for making you so anxious. You look exhausted. Have I reassured you? Do you believe me?’
‘I will try. It’s been a terrible time. All the anxiety about Kathleen, and the secrets—’
‘I know. Listen, I can see now I’ve made it all a million times worse, but please try and let some of this stuff with Kathleen go.’
Beth shook her head. ‘If someone we know was threatening to ruin Kathleen over an affair, her pregnancy, I want to know. It’s a terrible thing to do, and when you think about it, they must have been desperate to cover up whatever they were doing. Actually, you don’t have any evidence that the affair was with someone on her course, do you?’
‘Well, no.’
‘So, it could have been someone here on the island—’
‘I’m sure it wasn’t.’
‘But you don’t know. Don’t you see, there is so much I need to know about Kathleen: who she had the affair with, who was threatening her, what they were covering up.’
‘But it probably has nothing to do with her death. You can’t make that link. It’s bad enough accusing friends of threats, but murder?’
‘Look, one step at a time. I owe it to Kathleen to find out who was threatening her. If I can, I’d like to know who she had the affair with; it might help.’
‘Beth, you are not a confrontational sort of person. You need friends, the security of being part of a group. You need it more than me. I saw it last night. You could lose all that and achieve nothing. Please, I can’t bear to see you as ill as you were six years ago. Please don’t go there again.’
She saw the pain in his eyes. ‘I’m not in that place, I promise you. You’re not to worry.’
‘But, as I’ve no idea what caused your breakdown last time, I’m bound to worry, aren’t I? All I know is you went off to your aunt’s funeral, came back, and everything fell apart. You wouldn’t talk to me. I didn’t know what was going on.’
Beth could hear the unspoken pain, resentment, confusion. It tore her apart, but still the fear held her back from telling Sami what had happened. It reminded her of when she was twelve, she had been with a friend to the Olympic pool in Cardiff. When the guard wasn’t looking, she’d gone to the top board, as a dare. Clinging onto the bar she walked right to the edge of the board. It had been like standing on top of a skyscraper looking down at a blue world. She could see the pinpoints of her friends, waving, egging her on. She was desperate to dive. She’d been for lessons, knew the techniques, but fear paralysed her, and it was all she could do to creep backwards and come back down the steps.
That memory never left her, and whenever she came close to telling Sami about her secret it was as if she was back there, stood on the edge, peering down and, each time, like today, she crawled away.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ said Sami. ‘I can’t stop you, can I? But please, be careful.’
Sami came round to her and pulled her to stand next to him, held her and kissed her hair. She stood there in his arms, relieved to feel close to him, but in her head, she was still there, standing on that board, shaking.
14
Beth hadn’t been to church for a few weeks, but early the next morning, after only few hours’ sleep, she decided to go. She’d gone to Sunday School in the local chapel when she was young but by the time she met Sami, as she had not been for years and he had stopped going to the mosque, religion was something they had put behind them. However, when she moved to the island, Beth had been pregnant, lonely, disorientated. One morning on her way to the shops she had gone to look inside the church and had felt a peace and stability in there. It was a simple Norman church, untouched by Victorians: plain benches, old worn stone slabbed floor, and only one stained glass window. She’d sat alone on the wooden bench, and felt the cold coming off the walls but the sense of calm provided a refuge. Beth hadn’t wanted to get involved, but occasionally she went to the early service on a Sunday morning which only a few elderly people attended. No one expected anything; they said good morning and left. The vicar would smile but was wonderfully unobtrusive. She had been going for a few years before one morning Kathleen had arrived, and it was like stumbling across a tiny, perfect wildflower in an old piece of scrubland. Kathleen had come up to her, started chatting and that had been the opening line of their story.
Today, as Beth sat in the front pew waiting for the service to start, she felt the loss of Kathleen more poignantly than ever. This was the place special to them; they had had their own rituals, sat in the same place. She had felt the warmth of Kathleen’s arm next to her as they knelt for communion. They were both strangers here, which brought them closer. Although she’d learned new things about Kathleen, today she felt at peace with her again and missed her. Beth breathed heavily, willing hers
elf not to cry.
The vicar went through the liturgy, and the familiar words coated the pain. As she returned to her seat after communion, she noticed William, sitting with his head bent. He didn’t come often and, as usual, he didn’t go up for communion.
As they walked out of the cold stone building, Beth wondered what type of reception she would get from William.
‘How are you this morning?’ asked William, half a smile but not the usual grin.
‘That whisky was lethal.’
‘It leads people to act out of character sometimes, to say things they don’t mean.’
Beth wasn’t in the mood to be either patronised or reprimanded.
‘I didn’t mean to offend anyone, but I only spoke the truth. Kathleen said those things.’
‘Even if she did, you can’t go around accusing friends.’
Despite feeling more resolute, Beth cringed. Her default reaction to criticism would be to apologise and plaster over any cracks as quickly as possible, particularly with William. She respected him and he was usually kinder, more forgiving, than a lot.
He sat down on the bench, the gravestones silently watching. Beth, sitting next to him, thought how tired and weary he appeared. ’You look exhausted.’
‘Occupational hazard,’ he said, but she thought it was more than that. Beth bent down and picked a few daisies from the bank next to them. She started to make tiny splits in a stem, and carefully threaded through a daisy.
William continued. ‘Seriously, Beth, you can’t really believe what you said last night. Think about the people you are accusing. Me, Imogen, Alex, Patrick, even Sami, you must see how absurd and hurtful that is.’
‘I could have said more.’
‘Like what? You should tell me, I was Kathleen’s doctor. I would hate to think I missed something important.’
Like all good doctors, he had a way of getting you to talk. ‘Kathleen told someone at the pub that she’d had an affair. I believe that is the big mistake she felt she’d made.’
William leant forward, scrutinising her face. ‘You believe this?’
The one thing missing from the tone of his voice was surprise. Was that him reacting instinctively as a doctor, hiding emotion, or had he already known?
‘I do. Didn’t Kathleen tell you anything about it?’ she asked.
‘Of course not. I knew nothing.’
She screwed up her eyes. ‘But I know Kathleen had been talking to you a lot when you went on the skiing holiday and afterwards.’
‘That’s nonsense.’
‘But Imogen told me Kathleen was constantly phoning you before Christmas. I think she got quite jealous, actually.’ She was watching his face. All she saw was a slight twitch of his cheek.
‘Imogen can be a bit insecure, but she knows I love her very much. Any affair Kathleen had was nothing to do with me. Kathleen was my patient. It would be completely unethical for me to have any kind of relationship with her and, in any case, Imogen, Elsa, my work, mean everything to me.’ He stood up. ‘I’d better be off now; enjoy your day.’ Beth watched him walk briskly away.
Beth was shocked by how defensive William was being: she’d obviously upset him more than she realised. However, she didn’t regret it. It had taught her a few things. Firstly, she felt sure that he knew about Kathleen’s affair. So, it hadn’t just been Gemma and Sami. If William knew, did it mean Imogen did as well? The more people who knew, the more likely it was that Patrick knew. Anyone who knew could have used the knowledge to threaten Kathleen. And so, what if that person had been William? William could have slept with Kathleen, but listening to him just then there was no way Beth could see it as more than a fling on his part. He loved his work and his family. He’d want an affair kept secret. Beth paused. The secret Kathleen described seemed more than that. Maybe he had been seducing her over a period of time, tried to make her end the pregnancy? Initially, maybe Kathleen might have been happy to keep the affair under wraps, but what if she’d changed her mind, wanted it all out in the open? William would have had so much more to lose, nothing to gain. How far would he go to protect himself?
As Beth walked down the steps, she saw Alex standing by the bus stop. She wondered how he would greet her.
‘Where are you off to?’ she asked.
He turned and she was relieved to see a smile. ‘Southampton, shopping for a few things for the flat from IKEA.’
‘Not cycling anywhere today then?’
‘Later, I hope.’
‘I could give you a lift to the Red Jet if you like.’
‘Oh, no thanks.’
‘Honestly. I could walk Ollie down the front there. Sami has gone into work. I might as well. Why don’t you walk up to the house with me to pick up the car?’
They walked up the road. Alex didn’t chat like most people, but this morning she appreciated it. She picked up Ollie and they drove off.
‘I should work on my essay today,’ Beth said, thinking it was time to make conversation. ‘I could do with a walk up Tennyson Down, get some inspiration.’
‘I’d love to go again sometime—’
Beth sensed his shyness. ‘Would you like to go with me one day? I told you, Sami’s not interested in walking. Funny, he loves his morning run but not walking, and there are so many gorgeous places over here.’
As they stopped at the traffic lights Alex coughed. ‘I hope you feel better after last night—’
‘I know I drank too much. William just had a go at me about what I said, but I had to stand up for Conor even though I know everyone wanted me to shut up.’
‘But they are a very respectable, friendly group of people.’
‘I’m sorry if there was any awkwardness on Friday as well,’ said Beth. ‘I knew nothing about Kathleen being ill. Sami should have told me. Still, we’ve talked now. It’s all sorted.’
She saw him fiddling with a thread on the seat. She hoped he wasn’t going to pull it any longer.
Aware that she had Alex captive in the car, she realised it was an opportunity to ask him a few questions. But after the frosty reception from William she was rather nervous.
‘I saw you’ve become friendly with Gemma. She told me something that quite shocked me—’
She waited. Even Alex must want to know what it was. Eventually he said, ‘What was that?’
‘Gemma said Kathleen had an affair.’
‘Gemma thinks Kathleen had an affair?’ Beth could hear his voice shaking.
‘Oh yes, and I know it’s true now. I wondered if you’d picked up anything about it. Maybe she’d told Amy something about who it might have been with.’
‘Um, no. Nothing. I never heard anything.’ Beth had a feeling that if he could Alex would have jumped out of the car, but she persisted.
‘The reason I’d really like to know who it was is that it would help me understand things with Kathleen. What did you really think of her?’
Beth stopped the car at the crossing, waited.
‘Kathleen was excellent at her job,’ said Alex. ‘She was kind to Amy when she stayed with her.’
‘And the “but” is?’
‘It’s complicated. Look, I can’t talk about this and it might be better if you left all this alone. Don’t go getting obsessed with it.’
The words had been said lightly, but Beth felt uncomfortable. Was it possible he was threatening her?
Beth turned on to the dual carriageway, past the hospital and then the prison on her left. Trying to ease the atmosphere, she remarked, ‘Our silent neighbours.’
‘It’s odd, isn’t it?’ said Alex. ‘A whole community shut away, forgotten.’
‘But they’re not forgotten by everyone, are they? They are people with parents and families.’
They paused, as Beth waited. The driver in front had stopped, without pulling in, to talk to a woman at the bus stop. He appeared to be offering her a lift, but she was telling him a long story about why she would rather take the bus.
‘Honestly,’ s
aid Beth. ‘He’s creating havoc.’
‘It wouldn’t happen in London.’
‘No. Sami and I moved here from Cardiff. It wouldn’t happen there, either.’
‘You’ve both been here a long time?’
Beth appreciated the effort he was making to get past the earlier awkwardness. ‘Eighteen years. I was pregnant when we came. We’d only just got married.’
‘You were a teacher back there?’
‘Oh no. I messed up school. I was working in a shop in Cardiff when Sami came in. He was a pharmacy student then. We got married quickly, really because I was pregnant. For Sami there was no question of not doing, as he would say, “the right thing”. His family were shocked, though. I wasn’t the kind of wife for Sami they had in mind at all. They are all bright. His father’s an engineer, mother a GP. They had come from Iraq and they expected their children to marry people in those kinds of professions, not someone working in a shop.’
‘It’s to Sami’s credit he saw past all that.’
‘Mm, yes. His parents moved out to New Zealand to live with his brother and his family. His brother and his wife are both consultants in hospitals out there, earning pots of money. Their life is very different to ours.’
‘I’m sure they are proud of you and your family.’
Beth smiled. ‘As long as they are proud of Sami, that’s all that matters to me.’
She pulled into the stopping bay outside the Red Jet, turned and grinned at Alex. ‘Sorry, spilling out my life story to you. You are easy to talk to.’
He blinked. ‘Part of my job.’
Beth looked up at the entrance of the terminal. ‘You’d better get a move on. It’s twenty to ten. You’ve got five minutes. Have you got your ticket?’
‘I have a book of tickets for regular travellers.’
‘That reminds me. I need to ask about times.’
Beth walked into the terminal with Alex, and with Ollie on the lead. As she asked for the information, she saw Alex looking in his pockets.
‘My phone must have fallen out of my pocket in your car—’