Authoritative parent response: “I know many of your friends game during the week, and I understand that you feel the rule’s not fair—if they can, why can’t you? Well, lots of scientists have found that too much gaming hurts kids’ schoolwork, so we need the rule. I am willing, however, to negotiate with you about having a friend over once or twice during the week.”
Authoritative principle applied: Parents set high standards for children and explain that rules are set in the context of those standards.
Scenario 2: A preteen with increasingly obsessive technology use and falling grades protests the computer being removed from his room.
Authoritative parent response: “I know how much doing well in school is important to you, and since it’s so easy to get distracted on the computer when you’re all by yourself, moving it to the family room will help you stay focused. ”
Authoritative principle applied: Discipline is applied respectfully, and the remedy applied logically flows from the problem.
Scenario 3: A 13-year-old is pushing her parents to buy her a smartphone with Internet capability—something that parents don’t believe will serve her well.
Authoritative parent response: “I understand that you want an Internet-capable phone. However, I think the negatives outweigh the positives. We’ve talked about how digital devices tend to make families feel disconnected and hurt schoolwork, and I know those are two things you care about.”
Authoritative principle applied: Explaining that rules are set out of concern for children’s well-being encourages kids to be agreeable to parents’ requests.
Scenario 4: A 16-year-old girl says she won’t follow the rule that phones need to be turned off at 9 p.m.
Authoritative parent response: “I would like to hear why you feel you need the phone later in the evening, and I will consider your thoughts when I make a decision.”
Authoritative principle applied: Parents value their children’s point of view and take this into consideration, especially as kids get older, although maintain the role of primary decision maker in the home.
ADDRESSING CONCERNS ABOUT HELICOPTER PARENTING
While authoritative parenting is by far the most effective parenting style, applying its principles to kids’ use of technology is often criticized in a culture that embraces the notion of a generation of young tech experts. For example, Microsoft’s Danah Boyd equates parents’ setting of tech limits with helicopter parenting.26 Described by psychologist Madeline Levine in Teach Your Children Well, the term helicopter parenting (also called hyperparenting) refers to parents who hover over their children and teens, doing for them what they would better be off doing themselves.27 An example would be parents completing schoolwork for kids who didn’t take the time to do it.
Why is setting limits on kids’ technology not helicopter parenting? Clearly our kids’ profound overuse of entertainment technologies signals they need our help. Also, as we saw in Chapter 4, there’s no way for kids to withstand the sophistication of psychologists and other experts in human behavior who deploy behavioral manipulation knowledge to shape products that kids can’t put down. Moreover, kids’ less developed judgment abilities make them highly susceptible to industry marketing selling “must-have” products. If we use the principles of authoritative parenting, we recognize kids’ limitations and see the need for parental guidance. As Levine points out: “There is an important distinction between good and bad parental involvement.”28
Ironically, in my work, I actually find that it’s parents of tech-obsessed kids who rely most on helicopter parenting. Such kids are less likely to put in the necessary academic effort for success, so parents constantly have to stay on their case about missing homework assignments, lack of studying, and other consequences of that tech use.
HOW A DIGITAL-AGE PARENTING MYTH AFFECTS KIDS
When you consider setting serious limits on your children’s use of entertainment technologies, you may rightfully question how he or she will respond. That’s because the digital native-digital immigrant and similar parenting philosophies haven’t only influenced how parents raise their kids. They also affect how children respond to parenting. In industry marketing, TV shows, and throughout our culture, children are bombarded with messages that kids rightfully should demand unlimited amounts of entertainment technologies and that their parents should simply acquiesce.
An Associated Press article highlighted the latest American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) technology guidelines, clarifying that the recommended total screen entertainment limit of 1 to 2 hours per day included computers, TV, and video games. The article featured 16-year-old Mark, who said that he spends about four hours each day using the Internet for homework, Facebook, YouTube, and watching movies. He remarked that the AAP recommended limits “would be catastrophic” and that kids wouldn’t follow the advice. “They’ll just find a way to get around it,” he said.29
This defiance may be minimized as typical of today’s children and adolescents, but such attitudes are promoted by the industry-sponsored parenting myth that kids should be in control of their electronic and digital gadgets. Even though limits will foster their happiness and success, kids have been led to believe that unlimited access to screen-based and networking devices is essential to growing up. They rebel, refuse to follow their parents’ direction, and suffer as a consequence.
HOW TO PARENT AUTHORITATIVELY IN AN UNINVOLVED CULTURE
So how can we parent authoritatively in a culture that encourages parents to provide kids open access to screens and similar gadgets, and conditions children to reject their parents’ guidance? There are steps we can take to help us overcome these obstacles and encourage our children to work with us on the issue of technology. We’ll explore these in the remainder of the chapter.
AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING THROUGH ROLE MODELING
To provide our children the high expectations and strong limits of authoritative parenting requires that we establish authority over our children. This power comes less from what we say (“Turn that thing off!”), and more from a strong parent-child connection and the characteristics of the home environment. One of the most important aspects of this environment is the way we ourselves model technology use.
When parents overuse technology, not only will kids copy our example, they can feel abandoned and will demand their own devices to keep them company. It’s therefore vital that we limit our own use of phones, laptops, and TV, and instead engage with our kids—not all the time but a lot. Connecting with our kids opens a door for us to guide their tech use, as they are much more apt to listen to caregivers who show a strong investment in them.
If we listen, we may notice our kids asking us to be better media or technology role models. “I resent having to do my homework when you’re watching TV or playing computer games,” a teen boy divulged to his father. Since the beginning of time, kids have learned valuable habits by working alongside their parents, however today’s kids are often denied this positive role modeling because they so often see their mother or father being entertained by a screen.
Most parents are tired after a long day’s work. Many engage with entertainment screens as a break from other responsibilities, yet our kids generally don’t see us at work. Instead they learn primarily from what they observe of us at home. If we want our kids to engage in activities like reading and homework when at home, we need to role model good work habits for them. So as your child sits at the kitchen table to complete his or her homework, read a book, do some chores, or use the computer for work rather than entertainment (kids notice the difference).
It’s important that we limit our use of technology even for work when we’re at home with the kids. If you have to take a call now and then, no big deal, but kids are affected when their parents are constantly pulled away by work texts, calls, and emails. An eight-year-old boy told me that when he is with his dad kicking a soccer ball, his father constantly puts him “on hold” while he takes a call or returns a text. A 13-year-ol
d girl explained to me that she is reticent to open up to her mom because her efforts to do so have been undermined by her mom stealing looks at her phone.
As mother and blogger Meredith Sinclair reported in a New York Time’s article, kids are painfully aware when their parents attempt to multitask between gadgets and the parent-child relationship. “You can’t really do both,” Ms. Sinclair said, “If I’m at all connected, it’s too tempting. I need to make a distinct choice.”30
Parents’ ability to attend to children is increasingly threatened by employer pressure to be available 24/7, because technology makes that feasible. Unfortunately, digital-age myths that push the benefits of technology while neglecting kids’ attachment needs have misled parents about how costly such distractions are. Finding a healthy work-family balance is also made difficult because we are spending much more time working than generations past.31
There are no doubt tough choices for parents to make when considering the demands of work and family. I believe what’s helpful is to be honest with ourselves about the needs of our kids and think clearly about our priorities, even if it means taking a job that pays less but offers the benefit of more devoted time with our kids. Kids need undistracted quality time with us far more than a bigger home or an expensive vacation.
I also suggest doing all you can to have technology help rather than hurt family connections. Do what you can to limit the use of real-time technologies, such as texting, that show little respect for the undistracted family moments our children need. Instead, I suggest using technologies such as email that you can check when you have taken a break from the kids. Employers also need to allow us undistracted time with our families at home. However, as Catherine Steiner-Adair, author of the Big Disconnect, notes, positive change won’t come unless parents demand the need to unplug.32
Extra challenges are present when parents work from home. As a mother and father asked me during a talk, “Since we both work from home, how can we keep our work-related computer use from affecting our daughter?” I suggest parents set aside a specific space exclusively for work, carve out time for family and honor it. If an emergency intervenes, make sure your kids know when you’ll make it up.
Working with Spouses on the Issue of Technology
Children’s technology use is much like other aspects of parenting in two-parent homes. Many spouses aren’t fully in sync about all aspects of how their kids use technology, however differences can often be reconciled through discussion and compromise. Nonetheless, some parents report that they’re on completely different pages over the issue of their children’s technology use. For example, the mother of a 13-year-old boy told me, “I’m concerned about my son’s gaming obsession, but my husband’s a big gamer so he doesn’t really believe it’s an issue.”
If a major gulf in parenting styles exists between you and your partner, it’s essential to address it. If such differences aren’t resolved, technology problems are likely to remain because children tend to side with the parent who permits greater access to entertainment technologies.
If you’d like your co-parent to be a better technology role model, the first step is to talk with him or her about your concerns. If you meet with resistance, ask your partner to do some research on the topic, or provide some reputable, easy-to-read information. Your child’s pediatrician can play a supportive role because kids’ doctors are increasingly aware of these issues. Not making any headway in coming to agreement? In that case, professional family counseling may help. This may sound dramatic, yet it beats the alternative of watching a child’s life harmed by an unhealthy technology obsession.
Parents in two-caregiver homes also need to consider how their relationship as a couple influences their child’s technology use. When there’s frequent conflict between parents, kids will often retreat to their rooms and devices. So do everything you can to make your relationship with your partner loving and strong. Spend time together as a couple, not just parents. If that’s not working, seek couples counseling. In my experience, parents who are struggling often wait far too long before entering counseling. Once they do, seemingly intractable problems often melt away.
PARENTING LIKE A TECH EXEC
There’s no doubt that the type of parenting I’m suggesting to address your child’s tech use deviates greatly from the way American kids are typically raised. You may therefore look at the evidence presented in this chapter and say, “Sure, it makes sense to provide kids strong guidance on the issue of technology, but I just don’t know if I want my kid to be different than his (or her) peers.”
I completely understand. I have at times worried about how the tech limits my wife and I provide our kids would affect their relationships with peers. However, helping my wife and me stay firm is our determination to provide our kids the parenting they need—even if it’s not the typical way to go. Most of us remind our kids, “Don’t follow the crowd,” so we sometimes need to be able to take our own advice. I also can honestly say that the tech rules my wife and I provide our kids have had no discernible effect on their peer relationships, except possibly encouraging them to form friendships with kids who play with tech less and focus on school more.
Nonetheless, perhaps you’re still on the fence about taking what amount to bold actions on this issue. I suggest a credible source of guidance is the parenting method employed by many tech industry leaders to raise their own children and teens. Earlier in the chapter, we saw that Bill and Melinda Gates provided their kids strong tech limits growing up. Also elucidating is the New York Times’ article “Steve Jobs Was a Low-Tech Parent.”33 Writer Nick Bilton says that while on a phone call with Steve Jobs in 2010 he asked him if his kids were enjoying the recently-released first-generation iPad. “They haven’t used it,” Mr. Jobs replied, “We limit how much technology our kids use at home.”
If the Jobs’ household wasn’t bathed in gadgets, how did the family spend time? Walter Isaacson, who wrote Mr. Jobs’ biography and who spent a great deal of time in the Jobs’ family home, observes, “Every evening Steve made it a point of having dinner at the big long table in their kitchen, discussing books and history and a variety of things…. No one ever pulled out an iPad or computer.”34
If both the Jobs’ and Gates’ families set strict technology limits, what type of parenting is employed by other tech industry leaders? In Mr. Bilton’s interviews with a number of technology chief executives and venture capitalists, he found this same parenting strategy quite common, noting many “strictly limit their children’s screen time, often banning all gadgets on school nights, and allocating ascetic time limits on weekends.” For example, Chris Anderson, the former editor of Wired and now the CEO of the drone maker 3D Robotics, described why he and his wife set strict technology limits, noting it’s “because we have seen the dangers of technology firsthand. I’ve seen it in myself. I don’t want to see that happen to my kids.” Anderson’s concerns for his kids include being subjected to bullying online and the potential for developing a technology addiction.
The types of screen limits Bilton found commonly used by tech industry leaders include:
•no gadget use on weekdays and limits from 30 minutes to two hours on weekends for phones and tablets
•computers only being used for homework on school nights
•and a rule he found universal among the tech parents he polled: “No screens in the bedroom.”
Why is the parenting approach applied by many tech leaders markedly different from that typically provided US kids? As Bilton notes, “These tech CEO’s seem to know something that the rest of us don’t.” I believe their insiders’ knowledge inoculates them from being deceived by the many digital-age myths outlined in this book. These business leaders understand the distressing reality that American kids’ screen time is typified by long hours absorbed with entertainment technologies that pose the risk of addiction and often impair family togetherness and academic success.
Parents will benefit from noticing the contra
dictory messages coming out of the tech industry. On one hand, industry marketing claims it’s vital we load kids up with ever more devices, and that video games, social networks, and texting promote kids’ happiness and success. On the other, tech industry leaders speak volumes through the strong steps they take to limit their own kids’ use of devices. Which counsel will you choose when raising your kids?
PROMOTING CHILDREN’S DIGITAL LITERACY
To parent authoritatively, we must teach our kids digital literacy. Digital literacy is the ability to understand how technology affects our thoughts, behavior, and lives.
When digital literacy is discussed in the popular media, it often refers to the ability to analyze the media and technology that is already being consumed, e.g., helping teens appreciate whether the marketing they see is really in their best interests. While this is important, I suggest that we also turn our focus to teaching kids another, often overlooked, component of digital literacy: the ability to recognize the tremendous opportunity costs of spending long hours with amusement-based technologies.35
Helping Kids See What’s in It for Them
We are much more likely to be successful in teaching our kids digital literacy skills if we start the process early in their lives and make sure our efforts to talk with them about technology are combined with firm limits. That’s because older kids who have developed obsessive tech habits often have a strong sense of denial about negative effects that impedes their ability to objectively discuss the issue.
These parent-child conversations might begin when they ask you a question about their use of technology. For example, if you delay providing digital devices until later in toddlerhood—remember the AAP suggestion of no more than 2 hours of high-quality content a day after the age of 2—and begin to put firm limits on entertainment technologies when your children are very young, they will likely come to you, at a younger age than you may expect, to ask the reason for limits.
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