Ben and Janet stared at David with their mouths open. After a few moments, they collected themselves and began to ask how their capable son could have come to believe this should be his role. It was such discussions that helped Janet and Ben realize how the endless hours their son spent gaming diminished his understanding of his responsibilities to his family and himself. The discussions also helped them become determined to make changes.
In the case of David’s and many other families, parents assume that as kids reach their teen years, increasing age will automatically provide them the insight they need to grow up, to become more responsible to family and for their schoolwork. Yet these attributes don’t magically materialize. They must be learned, not only from what parents say, but through kids’ position within a family of hardworking adults. It’s such experiences that help teens realize that, while their parents go to work, their main jobs are to put effort into school and help out around the house. There’s no doubt that Janet and Ben worked hard for the money to support their son. However, David had been too busy gaming to notice. His primary interest in his parents’ work was that it supported his ability to acquire the next gaming title.
In ensuing meetings with David’s family, we talked about the skilled sons of the frontier, of how their determination helped families survive. The concept of a frontier family resonated with David. He began to realize that his life should be more than gaming, and he considered what role he should take in his modern family. He came to understand that while most of today’s teen boys don’t chop wood or hunt, he could try hard each day at school and put in a good effort on homework.
Janet and Ben also changed things up at home, and no longer allowed David to disappear for long hours gaming. The family resolved to do more together, from working in the garden to errands and playing. This brought David outside of himself and closer to his parents. It also helped him realize how much he was capable of and how he could contribute to his family. Perhaps most of all, these experiences helped David feel that he mattered, that his actions had a real impact on the world.
CREATING A TEEN CULTURE OF ACCOUNTABILITY
We need to help our teens become part of something bigger and more important than high scores and “like” counts. We can help them understand their accountability to their families and themselves, and that they’re responsible for putting a strong effort into their schoolwork. We can do this by not underselling teens’ potential, and instead creating a culture of accountability at home. The actions described in the rest of this chapter suggest how.
Take the Lead in Building Your Relationship
A culture of accountability starts at home with actions that we, as parents, take to build a strong relationship with our teens and model healthy technology use. In my meetings with families, parents and teens frequently play out the modern equivalent of a wild west standoff, as both sides complain about the others’ overuse of technology: “You were the one with 4,500 texts last month.” “Well, you check your phone every five minutes!” The solution often comes down to who should act first to gain control of his or her technology. The answer is simple. We, the adults, need to act first because we’re the adults.
Sometimes teens feel rejected by a tech-obsessed parent and turn to their gadgets out of loneliness. If you feel that your overuse of technology might have hurt your relationship with your child, I suggest you apologize to him or her. Teens have a strong sense of fairness, and parents expressing their regret—if deserved and genuine—is often necessary to help teens admit their own shortcomings and commit to change.
The Power of the In-Person Connection
Pundits sometimes suggest that social networks are a great way for parents to maintain their connection with teens in a hectic world. In truth, we need to emphasize real-world rather than cyberworld connections. Why? Because in-person connections build and cement relationships better than wired communications.20 Much of what’s conveyed between parent and teen is nonverbal—through facial expressions, eye contact, hugs, and tone of voice. The human mind is specially attuned to these unspoken cues. They trigger dopamine, oxytocin, and other “feel-good” brain chemicals that foster and maintain attachment, including the one between parents and teens.
While the word attachment is often associated with young children, it remains vital at all ages. For teens, a strong bond with parents supports emotional health and academic success. Attachment also may influence how productively teens use their time. A study published in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine found that teens who were closer to their parents spent less time playing on the computer or watching TV, and more time reading and doing homework.21
Do all you can to engage with your teen in the real world. Go to lunch or dinner as a family; take a walk, a class, or participate in sports together. Let your teen decide where the family will go on a weekend trip, or go to an event your teen chooses. Work on homework or a school project together. Remember that all of these activities must be done without technology interruptions. Put your phone aside and if your teen has a phone, have him or her do the same.
Talking’s Not Enough
Well-meaning parenting authorities sometimes recommend that protecting teens from problems related to technology can be accomplished solely by talking with them about the risks of overuse. These authorities suggest that it’s unrealistic for parents to limit teens’ access to what have become ubiquitous and continually available technologies. Yet I have worked with many, many families in which parents talk with their teens about such risks until they are blue in the face, to no avail.
The latest research on the adolescent brain tells us why talking with teens is no substitute for setting limits. Temple University psychology professor Laurence Steinberg observes that while teens are as capable as adults in naming the risks of an activity, they often don’t use this information.22 That’s because their still-developing prefrontal cortices don’t provide the judgment and self-control necessary to stop them from taking risks they are well aware of. As a teen myself, on a given day I could rattle off many good reasons why I shouldn’t jump off cliffs into what could be shallow water. Yet the next day I would happily yell “Geronimo!” as I launched myself off a precipice.
We need to provide our teens with the limits and guidance they need to be successful. Steinberg suggests, “Rather than attempting to change how adolescents view risky activities a more profitable strategy might focus on limiting opportunities for immature judgment to have harmful consequences.”23
In determining how to protect teens from unhealthy technology use, we can learn from recent efforts to reduce teen driving risks. Mile for mile, 16-and 17-year-old drivers have crash rates that are almost nine times higher than the rates of middle-age drivers.24 Traditional teen safe-driving programs have focused on educating teens about the dangers of irresponsible and reckless driving, but research shows that even if teens learn about such risks they often ignore them. The result is that unsafe teen driving practices don’t change.25 As a consequence, all 50 states now have shifted to graduated driver licensing.26 These programs put actual restrictions on teen drivers, such as not allowing them to carry young passengers or to drive at night without an adult. These newer programs have reduced accidents and saved lives.27
Such research supports the recommendation that parents shift away from simply talking with teens about the risks of overusing technology. Our adolescents need real limits, starting with the approaches discussed in the next section.
Be Proactive, Not Reactive
I often hear, “I took away her (his) phone… again,” in my practice, as parents give teens consequences for poor school performance. Without access to their phones, these teens’ academic standing typically improves, upon which parents give back the phones, resulting in more overuse, more poor grades, and a continuing cycle of school focus inevitably followed by lack of focus and so on.
This is an example of reactive parenting. Parents react to a teen behavior—phone overu
se leading to poor grades—that could have been prevented. Proactive parenting gives kids the structure they need on the front-end, not after problems have already occurred.
The difference between reactive and proactive parenting is evident in the case of Chloe’s family. Fourteen-year-old Chloe wanted to be a veterinarian. She told her parents that she was determined to get the grades she needed to gain admission to a highly-selective college that would help propel her into the profession. But left alone in her room, Chloe got lost for hours jumping between the web and incessant texts. As a result, she didn’t complete assignments or put minimal effort into them. Her grades suffered.
Seeing a report card, Chloe’s parents would respond by taking away her gadgets, and her grades would improve. Chloe’s mother and father would then give their daughter her tech privileges back, with her pledge that things would be better. They would be… for a time. Soon Chloe would fall back into her old pattern, and her school performance see-sawed from semester to semester.
Chloe’s parents didn’t realize that their daughter, like teens in general, simply couldn’t limit her own phone and tech use. She needed her parents to be proactive by setting and enforcing phone rules that applied all the time, not just after a semester of poor grades. In our meetings, Chloe’s mother and father resolved to think in the long term. They also realized that “talking the talk” with their daughter wasn’t enough―instead that they needed to “walk the walk.” They provided Chloe a prescribed study period each day, and during this time she had to put her phone away. Their approach helped Chloe move towards the academic goals she had set for herself.
Other proactive parenting strategies include keeping screen technologies out of kids’ bedrooms and turning computers off unless needed for a particular assignment.
A Reality Check for Tech-Obsessed Teens
As we saw earlier in the chapter, the teen brain’s hunger for rewards easily sidetracks it to dopamine-rich entertainment technologies. Helping teens gain insight about how gadgets can divert them from a productive, fulfilling life is sometimes remarkably difficult, in large part because of the denial that often accompanies obsessive tech use. Despite flagging grades, teens will insist that nothing is wrong and that they’ll easily make it to a top college and enjoy a lucrative career. Most really believe it.
“My grades are great,” 16-year-old Caden told me, “I only got two Cs last semester.” I then asked the game-heavy, homework-light teen, “Have you checked the grades of admitted freshman at UCLA?” (UCLA was the school Caden told me he planned to attend). “I’ll be fine,” he said, waving off my suggestion.
When teens strongly deny their problem technology use, seeking professional help from a counselor familiar with such issues may be necessary. (I describe how to select a counselor in Chapter 4.) Before taking this step, however, I suggest a reality check exercise with your teen—a process that’s likely to involve a number of talks over the course of weeks or months. This should only be done with kids who are underperforming academically because of a tech obsession and lack of effort, not with kids who are trying hard in school.
A reality check involves helping teens answer three questions:
•What do you want to do after high school?
•Are you on the path to meet your goal?
•If you are not on the path to meet your goal, how can we fix this?
Question 1. What do you want to do after high school?
While many teenagers are unsure what they want to do after high school, this is even more challenging for teens immersed in the cocoon of digital entertainment. It’s important to help them find a passion that will motivate them to work hard and that might be translated into a career some day. This is much easier if you have a close relationship with your teen, so make sure you’re spending lots of positive time together. During such moments you can ask questions that encourage self-exploration, such as:
•“Who is someone in your own life that you really admire, and why?”
•“What is something you have done that makes you really proud?”
•“If you have friends looking to find their own interests, what advice would you give them?”
Question 2: Are you on the path to meet your goal?
As kids develop their goals, encourage them to decide if they are on the path to meet them. This can start with considering your teen’s goal and knowing what’s required to reach it. You could say to your teen, “Okay, so you have an idea about the career you want. Does that mean going to college or vocational school? If so, have you looked at the requirements for getting into college (or vocational school)?”
Encourage a teen who wants to go to college to find out the admission demands of colleges they are interested in and that are within your family budget. You (and your teen) can find the average high school GPA and other admission criteria for freshman at various colleges on the websites of the College Board (a non-profit organization at www.collegeboard.org) or the prospective colleges.
Heavy video gamers may tell their parents that they don’t need college, and instead say they plan to parlay their gaming skills into a career. However, the great majority of these kids are not developing the high-level skills required to gain employment. Although the media give splashy coverage to exceedingly rare tech geniuses who make millions before high school graduation, we’ll see in Chapter 10 that high-tech companies are most likely to hire people with college and advanced degrees. But heavy gaming during teenage years makes it harder to attain this level of education.
You can help your teen research the credentials that high-tech and other companies look for in hires. Often the “employment opportunities” tab for such corporations, or doing an Internet search using the company’s name and “employment opportunities” as key words, gives specifications for open positions. The US Bureau of Labor Statistics Occupational Outlook Handbook (http://www.bls.gov/ooh/) is another great resource for this purpose, and provides a tool for helping your teen understand how to do online job research. It’s a way you and your teen can spend time together focused on his or her interests and concerns, and a way to use your life experience to help interpret information. If you don’t feel confident about your skills in this arena, many public librarians can help, as can guidance counselors.
For kids whose career goal doesn’t demand a college education, there are still good reasons to work hard in high school. Because of our struggling economy, military recruiters may give preference to kids who performed well in high school, and a lot of teenagers who are sure they don’t want to go to college change their minds after trying the job market.
In any case, help kids decide if their current high school efforts match the goals they have for themselves.
3. If you are not on the path to meet your goal, how can we fix this?
For tech-obsessed teens, there’s often a considerable gap between their goals and efforts to reach these goals. This is not the time for “I told you so.” It’s vital to stay positive and offer to work with your teen to bring their goals and actions in sync. Sit down together to decide on concrete steps to improve study habits: starting homework right after school; studying without phone and computer; attending an after-school homework club; or studying routinely at the library after school or for a few hours on weekends.
Appealing to Outside Help
Sadly, in families with a teen who overuses technology, a great deal of animosity often has built up due to constant arguments over a lack of school effort. This can lead teens to be highly resistant to working with parents on a reality-check exercise. If this is the case for your family, you may benefit from the assistance of an impartial party. I find that tech-obsessed teens are often willing to listen to the warm yet eye-opening advice of high school or college admissions counselors. In such a meeting, counselors can outline exactly what it takes for kids to reach their own goals.
While it’s typical for families to seek out college counseling when teens are in the last two years of hi
gh school, for tech-obsessed kids I suggest meeting much sooner, preferably prior to the start of their high school freshman year. While this may seem early, the alternative is that kids may perform so poorly during their first years of high school that they can’t make up for it later.
HELPING TEENS CHANNEL THEIR AMBITIONS
There’s no doubt that teens can do some imaginative and interesting things with today’s technologies—make music, create artful webpages, tweak video games, etc. Some kids will be able to develop these skills into a career in music, graphic design, or video game development, but I find too many teens forgo school-based learning without evidence that their preferred activities will eventually provide productive employment. These kids often later find that they need a college education for what they want to do—something that may not happen because of the overuse of these same technologies.
Some pundits make the argument that kids should be allowed to pursue their tech interests—even at the expense of school—based on the fact that Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg all dropped out of college to pursue their own goals. What’s often left out is that all three men did well enough in high school to gain admittance to top-quality universities. Moreover, dropping out of college to pursue a career is one thing. Forgoing study in middle or high school is another.
The upshot is that we should do our best to help our teens channel their ambitions into pursuits that improve rather than hurt their chances of long-term happiness and success. The following additional steps can help make this a reality.
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