by Lucy Score
“And what does a cow say?” Carter yelled.
“Mooooooooo!” The kids shouted. Except for Katie Bell who barked.
“I swear to you,” Carter said from under the ice pack on his forehead as he held Summer’s feet in his lap. “Our children will never behave like that.”
Summer shifted the pillow off her face and peered at him on the other end of the couch.
Carter Pierce wanted to have children with her?
“You still want to have kids after that shitstorm?” Jax asked, working on his second beer from the recliner. Both men were completely oblivious to the heart attack happening in Summer’s chest.
“I refuse to believe that they are all demon spawn. We turned out okay, didn’t we?”
Summer pulled her feet off Carter’s lap and sat up.
“Where are you going?” Carter asked, swapping ice pack for pillow.
“I’m going to go see Joey,” she said, heart pounding.
She met Beckett in the kitchen.
“Just stopped by to see if the place was still standing,” he said, poking his head into the great room. “Hey, that’s the pillow that touched my junk,” he told Carter.
Carter hurled the pillow and a colorful insult as Summer hurried out the side door. She followed the grassy track that wound behind the barn and through the fields to the stables.
There Summer found Joey in the stable office, smacking the computer monitor.
“Come on, you son of a bitch, turn back on.”
“Is this a bad time?” Summer asked poking her head in the door.
Joey gave the monitor another slap and sighed. “No. In fact, your distraction may have saved this computer’s life.” She kicked back in her chair. “What’s up?”
“I need to ask you something about Carter.”
If Joey was suspicious, she didn’t let on. “Okay.”
“Is he the type of guy to want kids? A family?”
Joey sat in silence for a minute studying Summer. “I want some water. You want a water?” she said finally.
“Uh, sure,” Summer shrugged.
Joey grabbed two waters out of the mini fridge and tossed one to Summer. “Come on. I think better outside.”
Summer followed her out the back of the barn. Charcoal and Lolly were in the pasture, both happily munching on grass.
“You pregnant?”
Summer choked on her water and had the horses’ heads raising to see what the fuss was. “God. No. I’m not pregnant. I don’t know if kids are in my future.”
“And you’re worried that Carter wants a family?”
Summer nodded. “Yeah.”
“I’ve never heard him say in so many words that he wants a pack of rugrats.”
“But…” Summer prodded.
“But look at what they come from. John and Phoebe raised them right and had a damn good time doing it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they all planned to have big, sloppy families. It’s just not something that guys talk about.”
“That’s what I was thinking, too,” Summer said, tears pricking at her eyes. “But they don’t know that not all families end up this way. And who knows if I can even have—” she stopped herself. If she wasn’t telling Carter, she wasn’t telling anyone.
“If you can even have what? Kids?” Joey asked.
Summer shook her head, waved the question away. “I need to get back. Thanks for the water.”
She had gotten carried away. Swept up. That’s what had happened, Summer decided as she followed the path from the stables to the house. It was all so romantic that she didn’t even notice she was careening off track. This couldn’t work. One of them would have to give up everything.
There he was. As if she had conjured him. Carter waited for her on a grassy rise behind the little barn. His hands shoved in the pockets of his shorts and on his face an expression of concern.
“Hey,” he said, reaching for her when she approached.
Summer danced out of his grasp. “Hi.” She hated herself. Hated her circumstances for what she was about to do.
“What’s wrong?”
She took a trembling breath and began. “I’m concerned that we’re moving too fast.”
He shoved his hands back in his pockets and cocked his head to the side. “Tell me why you feel that way.” His voice was calm and neutral, and for some reason, that made it worse.
She needed it to be over and done with.
“I think we want different things, and I don’t see why one of us should have to change to make the other one happy. It’s just not working.” The words tumbled out in an avalanche.
“Summer,” he reached for her again and this time caught her by the shoulders. “Honey, tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t want what you want.” She could barely see him through the tears that swam before her eyes. “I need some time to think. Some time and space.”
His grip tightened on her. “You’re not telling me the truth.”
She wasn’t. But she dug in anyway. “I am.”
“I want to build a life with you. A family, a future. I never thought I’d be able to say those words and mean them. But I am, and I do. I love you, Summer. My heart has belonged to you since the second I saw you standing in the driveway. Your eyes matched the flowers, and I knew then that you belonged here.”
“Carter,” her voice broke. “I know you think you mean those things, but you can’t. You don’t know everything.”
“Because you’ve been treating this like an interview, not a relationship, Summer. I want to know you. I want to know everything.” He threaded his fingers through her hair, and twin tears swam hotly down her cheeks.
“I can’t give you everything you want.”
“What do I want?”
Me. But he wouldn’t. Not if he knew. The tears came faster with the panic.
“Summer, this has to be a two-way street. We can’t move forward when you don’t trust me.”
“This would never be a two-way street, Carter. I would have to give up everything I’ve worked for. My job, my life in New York. I can’t just drop everything and move to a farm. This isn’t what I want.”
“I’m not asking you to. There’s no reason why I can’t move to the city.”
“No!” The word cracked like a whip. “You can’t give all of this up. There are things you don’t know. Uncertainties. ”
“Then tell me so we can work through it together.”
“I can’t—don’t want a family. I want what I’ve been working for. I’m so close, and I can’t give that up. Not for you, not for anyone. Look, I’m sorry, but this is just moving too fast. I can’t get my head around what you’re saying. I need time.”
She saw it. The pain—keen and bright—in his eyes. She was destroying him while trying to save him.
“Summer.” The pain was there too, sharp in his tone.
“Please, Carter,” she sobbed. “Please let me go.”
She ran the whole way to the house. Through the filter of tears, she didn’t see Beckett just inside the door until it was too late.
“Whoa! Where’s the fire, honey?” He grabbed her shoulders and steadied her. “Summer? Are you okay? Are you hurt? Where’s Carter?”
She couldn’t say anything, just shook her head. He looked so much like Carter. All good men, the Pierces. She couldn’t take it. Summer buried her face in Beckett’s chest and sobbed.
“Jesus, Summer, you’re scaring me,” he said stroking her back.
“Carter loves me and wants me to stay.” She choked out the words.
“That sounds horrible,” Beckett said, rocking side to side.
“It is. He doesn’t know. If he did he wouldn’t want me. Or worse, he’d feel obligated to stay with me.”
Carter wouldn’t run. He’d stick. He’d be there for every single low. Instead of starting a family and looking forward to a future, he’d be facing the constant unknown of an ending that could come too soon.
“What doesn’
t he know?” Beckett asked gently.
Summer pushed back and looked up at him. “I have to go home, Beckett. Will you tell Niko for me?”
“Tell him what?” Beckett tightened his grip on her shoulders.
“Just tell him I had to go home.”
She extricated herself from his grip and ran up the stairs.
28
Carter stared at the ripples on the surface of the pond, willing the water to absorb the hurt. He didn’t turn when he heard the footsteps, only skimmed another rock over the surface.
Beckett joined him at the water’s edge and squinted up at the impossibly blue sky.
“Shitty day,” he said finally.
Carter nodded and picked up another rock.
“She loves you, you know.”
Carter sighed, sending the stone hopping. One. Two. Three. “I know.”
“That counts for something.”
It did. And somehow that made it worse. Life was precious, fragile. There were no guarantees. And fighting something beautiful and good because of fear? It was senseless.
“She’s scared.” Voice flat, he shoved his hands in his pocket.
“You certainly have an interesting effect on women,” Beckett sighed. “Where are you now?”
It was a question that was born when Carter came home. Plagued by nightmares and panic attacks and a dark emptiness, Beckett had been there to gauge him every day. Jax had checked in by phone twice a day for the six weeks after his return and flew out for a week in the middle of it. Their mother made him lunch every day and sat with him while he ate even when he didn’t want to.
Every day, sometimes several times, Carter ranked his state of mind.
Where am I now?
At first, it was hard to be honest. It hurt the ones he loved to know his pain. It was terrifying to be so vulnerable. But day by day, that vulnerability had turned into a strength deeper than any he had ever known. It was built on something real, something honest. There was no lying to himself or his family.
After a few months, most of the shadows had been chased out.
The ones that remained were reminders of how precious life and hope were.
He still asked himself the question every morning. Only now it meant something different.
“I’m okay,” he told his brother. “I know she loves me. She just needs time and trust.”
“How much time are you going to give her?”
Carter shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets. “As much as she needs.”
Beckett slapped his hand on his back. “You know we’re going to hover for a while, right?”
Carter nodded quietly. “Unnecessary, but appreciated.”
“You let me know what you need.”
“I could go for an IPA.”
“I’ll grab the six and meet you by the fence rail on the road. We can probably get that mowed in an hour.”
Beckett waited until he was out of earshot before yanking his phone out of his pocket and dialing.
“Code Shit,” he said when Jax answered.
“What?” Joey’s tone held the frost of a winter’s morning in Antarctica on the other end of the phone.
“Shut up and listen,” Jax ordered. He didn’t have time to coax out the gentleness he knew she still carried. “I need you to call Carter and get him over to the horse barn this afternoon.”
“Why?”
“Just get him on a fucking horse and don’t ask him any questions.”
She swore quietly. “How bad is it?”
“Not great, but he’ll be okay. Consider it a preemptive strike.”
“Okay. Thanks for the head’s up.”
“Thanks for the help.”
“Jackson?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m glad you’re here this time.”
He frowned as the prickle of guilt caught him. “Me too.”
Carter found Nikolai sitting on the ground playing fetch with the pigs and shooting close-ups.
“She fucking smiles like she knows how lucky she is,” he said, glancing up from his screen.
Dixie trotted over, ears flopping, and Carter ran a hand down her back.
“Summer left.”
Nikolai squinted at his screen as he flipped through shots. “I know. Beckett told me.”
“Any ideas on what happened?”
He stood, slinging his camera around his neck. “I have one.”
“But you can’t say,” Carter predicted.
Nikolai nodded. “She’s got stuff going on that she doesn’t talk about to anyone.”
“But she told you.”
He shook his head. “No. I found out, and she couldn’t deny it. Swore me to secrecy. She’s very careful about who she lets in, and there’s still times when I know she’s pissed that I’m in.”
“She doesn’t want to let me in.”
Nikolai stood and put his hand on Carter’s shoulder. “Look. I’ve known her for a few years, and I’ve never seen her happier than she is here with you. In the city, she’s a fucking machine marching toward her goals, working seven days a week. Here, she laughs. She doesn’t carry her phone everywhere. She sits on the porch and drinks iced tea instead of spending three hours a night reading emails and writing blogs. She looks at you like you invented puppies and manicures.”
“This stuff that she’s got going on, is there an end in sight?”
“I hope so. Or this summer was just a brief reprieve.”
“Do me a favor,” Carter said, frowning up at the sun. “Keep an eye on her for me. Keep her safe.”
Nikolai talked Carter and his brothers into posing for a few outdoor portraits that afternoon before heading back to the city. And Carter couldn’t help but hope he was going straight to Summer to talk some sense into her.
He knew it was a setup when Joey asked him for help with the evening riding classes. He also knew it wasn’t a coincidence that his brothers decided to call for pizza and hang out to binge watch the first four episodes of the latest zombie apocalypse show.
Joey survived two episodes before calling it a night. She didn’t even snipe at Jax when he offered to drive her home. She did, however, insist that she get to drive his new car. “Look at that,” Beckett snickered when they left. “All Jax had to do to make time with Joey was scare her with the threat of zombies in the cornfield.”
“Maybe he’s not such an idiot after all,” Carter conceded.
“No, he’s still a fucking idiot. Why do you think he left?”
Carter shrugged. “Scared? I don’t know. I think the accident had something to do with it.”
“Think Joey will ever forgive him?”
“I think he has some work to do before that’s a remote possibility. He owes her that.” Carter stood up, a subtle buzz from the beer crept into his head. “Let’s adjourn this meeting to the porch.”
Beckett reached for the empties. “I second that motion. And move to switch to that bottle of scotch you have stashed in the pantry.”
“Motion carries,” Carter nodded. “Now let’s move on to the discussion item of the brewery.”
When Jax returned, he found them rocking in silence sipping scotch.
Beckett passed him a glass.
“It doesn’t look like you have any slap marks on your face,” Carter commented.
Jax ran a hand over the stubble on his jaw. “I didn’t make a move on her this time.”
“Maybe you’re wisening up, Hollywood?” Beckett snickered.
“Is wisening a word, Mr. Mayor?”
“I’m the mayor, and it’s a word if I say it’s a word.”
Carter raised his glass. “I’m with the mayor on this one.”
“Jesus, I need to catch up.” Jax drained his glass and blew out a sharp breath.
Carter passed him the bottle. “Hurry up. You need to be in the same state of inebriation as your partners.”
Jax’s grip tightened on the glass. “Partners?”
“The brewery. If you�
��re sticking, we’re in. But if you’re even considering the slightest chance that you’re going to haul ass out of here again, then I want nothing to do with it,” Carter said.
Jax topped off their glasses. “I’m sticking.”
Carter could hear the earnestness, the excitement in his tone, and knew. It resonated. Whatever demons made his brother run away would be faced. He would stick.
He nodded. “Then we’re in.” He raised his glass. “To John Pierce Brews.”
“After Dad,” Jax cleared the emotion from his throat. “Shit. That sounds good.”
“It sure does. Now don’t fuck it up,” Beckett said, bringing his glass to theirs.
“To John Pierce Brews,” they toasted.
“Let’s call Calvin tomorrow and get him out here to look at the barn and see where we need to start.”
Jax nodded. “As soon as the hangover wears off, I’ll call. What were you thinking with scotch, anyway?”
“I texted Mom and asked her to come over and make us breakfast in the morning,” Beckett said. “It was as long as I could put her off, Carter. She wants to make sure her baby boy is in one piece.”
Carter rubbed a hand over the center of his chest. “Great. Now she’s gonna know that her kids are adults and still can’t hold their liquor.”
“Speak for yourself,” Beckett said, standing up to pirouette in a sloppy circle. “I’m sober as Great Aunt Margaret.”
“Are those sweat stains or are you spilling scotch?” Carter teased. There was no relief from the heat of the day. It just settled into a night so thick with humidity he imagined the fireflies had trouble staying aloft.
“You remember what we used to do when we were kids when it was hot like this?” Jax asked, smiling with the memory.
Air conditioning was relatively new to the farmhouse. And many a night in their childhood had been spent engineering complex sheet and fan ventilation systems. But on the nights when even fans didn’t help, the brothers snuck out and raced to the pond.
“You remember the time Dad caught us and jumped in in his pajamas?” Beckett said wistfully.