The testing room was packed with all types of people—mothers who’d dropped out, kids who’d dropped out, people like me who all looked like they wanted to get their lives back on track. The teacher asked me for my ID and I passed it over to her. “Please take a seat. The exam will begin in ten minutes, you will have two hours to complete it.”
My heart rate increased and everything in my body started to feel like jelly, as if I weren’t real. Faces seemed to be glancing over at me, but I couldn’t see them clearly. I started sweating. Each second felt like a minute as my body became hotter. Sweat started to pour off my face, and I felt like my world was slowly ending. Every glance my way felt like someone judging me. I took my shirt and wiped my face.
When I was nearly about to cry, the wave of unbearable anxiety suddenly passed. It was as if I was in control. I could smell the air again. My body cooled down. The teacher said, “Five minutes until we begin.”
My heart rate relaxed and slowed.
I finished the exam in an hour. It concerned me that I was that quick, but maybe I was smarter than I thought.
When I got back in the car I saw a couple text messages from Jared. “Hey, Logan. Meet me at the hospital. Mom has her checkup.”
I arrived into my mother’s room after she was relaxed on the medicine. I told her about my test and that I thought I had passed and that things were going to get better. She smiled and looked proud but super tired.
Jared’s eyes were bloodshot; he was texting someone. The scariest part wasn’t that he was high but that he reminded me of myself when I started to lose hope in life, and more importantly, of myself. My mind began to race and the feeling of panic returned. I tried to ignore it, but it grew stronger. I ran to the hospital bathroom and slammed the door behind me. I soaked my face under the faucet as the man in the mirror became blurry. I broke into a sweat again and felt the tears well. I took several deep breaths until it passed. I wiped my face off with a towel and looked up in the mirror and found myself screaming.
As I looked in the mirror, I knew this wasn’t going to be the last time this happened.
It almost felt as if I had the devil on my back, trying to self-destruct again. Not this time, I thought. I banished the demons who plagued me. Seeing my mother under that warm hospital blanket strengthened my resolve. I wouldn’t stop at anything to redeem myself for her. I would continue to battle my demons, as they were sure to attack again and again. But this time it wasn’t all about me. This time it was for my mother and my brother. I would be selfless.
Acknowledgments
I wish to especially thank my mother who was not only my inspiration, but also my best friend. My brother Nick, whom I gratefully acknowledge: you inspired me to be a better man and to become a role model. And thanks to my father and my sister, Madeline. Also my nephew, Brayden, who brought me peace at times when I was sad. Just holding you in my arms helped me get through another day. I would also like to thank everybody who was involved in my life. I don’t hold grudges. I have grown and become a better person. Much appreciated.
The Crossroads of Logan Michaels Page 20