by J Marie
For the next few weeks, I spent as much time with Jaden as possible, which was
difficult to do with everything going on. I discovered my traitor had not been alone
in his schemes, and I was still hunting for his partner, as shipments were still
either getting hit or coming up missing. It was pissing me off, especially because it
took me away from Jaden.
Jaden was still sad when I left her, and sadder still when she was alone. Even
though she was back to exercising in the gym, she still didn’t technically train. She
didn’t even look at the punching bags anymore. She either ran on the treadmill or
practiced yoga. She barely played with Camaro, only taking her for walks or
occasionally petting her. Her paintings held no color, mostly blacks and white,
sometimes gray. She didn’t smile unless I was in the room, not even for Anya and
Irina who still maintained her hair, nails, and skin. She barely even looked at them
and never said a word. Her head was always down everywhere she went, her hands
clasped in front of her. Somehow, in the midst of everything, I’d managed to turn
her from a fiery hellcat into a quiet little mouse. And that was when I realized I had
finally, successfully broken her.
This was different from last time. Last time, she acted like this to annoy me, but
this time, it felt real. She’d lost hope of any escape, the idea of revenge completely
obliterated. The only hope she held on to now was for me to make her happy when
she made me happy. And though I was enjoying my victory of finally having beaten
Jaden into permanent submission, I would not have her remain this way for very
long.
I had expected this type of regression. It was phase one in a sense; break her
down to nothing and build her back up the way I wanted her. She was certainly
broken, and now, I had to re-create the glue that would hold the pieces together.
But before I pulled her back into the right direction, I needed to make sure this was
real. I needed to make sure she wasn’t just fucking with me again to piss me off.
I sat at my desk with my eyes fixated on my computer screen. Jaden fiddled with
her hands as she sat on the couch, talking with Sid. I’d hoped this session wouldn’t
go nearly as bad as the last one had. Although that would determine if she was a liar
or not.
“Hello, Jaden,” Sid said politely as he sat on the opposite couch in front of her.
“Hi, Sid,” Jaden replied, her eyes not making full contact.
“How are you doing?”
Jaden shrugged. “I’m fine.”
“Just fine?”
She didn’t say a word, just nodded with the tiniest ghost of a smile barely
visible. She was doing it to be polite.
“You don’t seem fine,” Sid commented, leaning in to regard her.
Jaden’s eyes widened for a moment like she’d been caught doing something
wrong.
“I swear I’m fine,” she insisted. “Have I done something wrong?”
Sid shook his head. “No, you’re not in trouble. I just want to make sure you
really are okay. You look tired. Are you sleeping well?”
She hadn’t been. She’d wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, believing
she was back in the basement. She’d calm down immediately when she realized she
wasn’t, but it was still hell getting her back to sleep. I finally had to drug her to get
her to sleep through the night.
“Not really,” she said.
Sid regarded her closely.
“Bad dreams?”
Jaden looked away toward the floor. “Sometimes.”
“They will pass eventually.”
“I know,” she said with a slight nod.
“You seem to be eating well,” Sid said, trying to play on the positive.
That was the only thing I was happy about. She was eating; albeit the portions
were smaller, they were always healthy. I decided to compromise a little after
everything I had put her through. I couldn’t have her throwing everything up again
if her anxiety overwhelmed her.
Jaden responded with a small smile. “I know it makes Darren happy when I do.”
“What else do you suppose makes Darren happy?”
Jaden sucked on her bottom lip before responding, meeting Sid’s gaze. “When I
do what he says.”
“And what makes you happy?”
“Making him happy.”
I felt my heart skip a beat. Good girl.
“Is there anything else that makes you happy?”
“Not really,” she said softly, hopelessly.
Not a shocker. The only thing she focused on anymore was me. And that was
exactly what I had wanted. The problem was she didn’t care about herself, not her
mental well-being. I originally needed her focus on me, and now that I had it, it was
time to add a subsection: her. I wanted her not only happy to please me, but I also
wanted her to be happy with me. I wanted her to enjoy life outside our relationship,
but it was clear she wasn’t in that mindset. Just because she was with me for the
rest of her life didn’t mean she had to be unhappy outside of my attention and
affection.
After a while, I had tried to goad her, just to see if I could get a rise out of her, but
she would never bite. She’d always concede, and I couldn’t help but smile and
relish in my twisted success. I’d ruined her. Officially fucking ruined her. And now,
it was time to fix it. I needed to remind her of who she was and why I had chosen
her in the first place.
I needed to really piss her off.
“What about Camaro?” Sid asked.
Jaden shrugged. “She does her job just like everyone else does.”
Sid took a deep breath and exhaled before he revealed his analysis. I waited
anxiously for him to light the match. “Would you like to know what I see, Jaden?
What my observations have led me to? You seem to have a feeling of indifference to
your life outside Darren. You don’t sleep, we’re grateful you eat, but you don’t seem
to find enjoyment in anything anymore. You don’t play with Camaro, you don’t
paint anything with real color, you don’t speak with volume, you walk with your
head down, and the most disturbing thing of all is you don’t even train anymore.
Why, Jaden?”
Jaden shrugged again. “There’s just no point in fighting anymore,” she said
simply.
“No point?” Sid asked incredulously.
“Mention her father,” I said into the speaker connected to the earpiece Sid was
wearing.
“How do you think your father would feel about that?”
My heart was pounding out of my chest as I watched Jaden’s eyes lift to harden
slightly, but before I could even focus fully on it, it was gone. Her face back to being
passive.
“My father is dead, Sid. He doesn’t feel anything.”
“Fuck,” I whispered under my breath. I was sure that was going to get a rise out
of her, but all I got was a small hint of emotion. And it didn’t last longer than even
a second. Even Sid looked surprised by her remark.
And that was all I needed to know. I had finally won, and now, it was time to
mold the marble in my image. My future wife and mother of my children would not
be a goddamn mouse like Katherine. The only thing I wanted Jaden to
understand
was that she was never getting away from me and to learn to be happy with her life.
She appeared to have accepted everything, and that was what was depressing to
her.
I had to slowly introduce her back into the world she would eventually rule with
me—the world that didn’t allow the survival of mice. I would start with her
training. She thought fighting was pointless? Fighting me was pointless, but her
skillset was too valuable to permit it to fade. Knowing what she was capable of, how
well she could fight? It turned me on. It also gave me a sense of security to know
she wouldn’t be completely helpless when surrounded by a threat. Eventually, the
threats would come, and I wanted her prepared.
Time to get the ball rolling.
53
GONE
A ll I ever tasted anymore was blood. The metallic taste coated my mouth like a
stain I couldn’t remove no matter how many times I tried to clean it. But the
taste was my reminder. It kept me grounded, cautious, and afraid. I had to stay
afraid. It kept me in line, showed me the boundaries that I never wanted to test.
And it kept Darren happy—the only thing that mattered anymore.
The things Darren did to me, the words he made me say, the pain he caused, the
psychological torture—I’d never snapped in half so hard in my life. I could feel my
mind being warped each day, twisted and pulled in so many painful directions that I
didn’t think it would ever end. For weeks, he made me suffer relentlessly and
severely. The smallest transgression was like ringing Hell’s doorbell and asking for
an invitation for another dose of pain. Nothing could have prepared me for what I
went through or how broken I’d become. I was nothing. Less than nothing. I was
just his now.
And I thought of nothing else.
But when I found myself drowning in the misery of my despair, the
hopelessness of my life, Darren had reached down and dragged me out, breathing a
different life back into me. When I was good, when I made him happy, my reward
was more than I could have ever expected. He was kind then—gentle, warm, and
comforting. Everything I needed him to be.
He chased away the cold with his body, drove back my nightmares with his
touch, and dried my tears with his lips. I was consumed with the need to be
comforted, cared for … cherished. And when I was good, when I made him happy, I
felt safe. And all I ever wanted after all the pain and anguish I had suffered was to
feel safe.
Darren had been my tormentor and my savior. And I had to do everything I could
to keep the tormentor at bay and stay with my savior. The one who cherished me as
if I was the most precious treasure in the world. That was the key to my survival.
When I was finally released from that room, waking up unrestricted and warm,
I’d broken down right in front of him, expressing my full gratitude and relief to be
trusted. But what was worse was the realization that I was finally and officially
broken; otherwise, Darren wouldn’t have released me. He was confident in his
conditioning that I was as twisted as he wanted me to be, and my heart broke in two
knowing it was true. I was so fucking dependent on him to love me and cherish me
that it terrified me. Because he couldn’t hurt me if he was loving me. I was safe that
way. I could survive that way.
But it was so fucking hard to live that way.
I was so goddamn paranoid that the smallest thing would land me back in that
basement, and then I would never be able to leave. I’d die in there if I went back, so
I did everything possible to stay out of trouble. I avoided temptation like the
plague. I didn’t train. I didn’t speak unless spoken to. I kept my head down and
avoided eye contact unless requested. I ate all of my food no matter how sick it
made me and forced myself to keep it down. I kept up my appearance and wore
heels around the house. I even tried to cover up the scars of my wolf bite with
makeup, so he wouldn’t see the defect in my skin and remind me of my stupidity.
And I smiled every time I saw Darren because even though I was still petrified of
him, I didn’t want him to focus on that. I wanted him to see my smile because I
knew it made him happy.
The only thing I couldn’t do was sleep. I’d try so hard to find the comfort I
sought in his arms, his heart beating against my ear and letting me know that
everything was okay. That I was okay. But then I’d close my eyes, and all I would see
was darkness. All I would feel was cold and lonely confinement. I’d hear my own
screams and wake in a panic when Darren held me too tightly. But then I’d realize
he wasn’t hurting me; he was comforting me, stroking back my hair and kissing my
tears away.
His touch always made me feel better. And when he wanted me … God, when he
wanted me …
I desperately threw myself into his passion, thriving in his affection, feeding off
it like a drug. My need for him became insatiable. I’d often find myself shaking
with anticipation and need when he wasn’t around. I had to know that he was
happy with me. It was the only thing that kept me together. When he was fucking
me, I was complete. I was serving my purpose and giving him what he wanted so he
would give me what I wanted: security.
I knew I was brainwashed, but the exhaustion of constantly fighting it was too
much. I was human after all, and I could only take so much. I wanted it to be over. I
wanted to be happy, and maybe if I did accept my life and knew there was no
escaping it, maybe there was a chance, if I let myself, I could be happy.
My plan for vengeance was officially gone, obliterated, and replaced by a
different need. My goal was to try to salvage what was left of my life, make peace
with it, and live as happily as I possibly could. I was still learning how to do that,
still adapting, but in the end, I still felt nothing inside. I lived to please, and when
Darren wasn’t around for me to please him, I felt useless and incomplete and feared
he would think I was slipping back into my old views and punish me again. I had a
feeling he was worried about me, but I didn’t know why. I was never leaving him. I
was his. I wanted him. What more was there?
After a lonely lunch one day, I sat in the library for a while to read. Camaro laid
at my feet while Clive and Owen sat quietly on the leather chairs not far from me
when Darren suddenly walked in. The hardened expression on his face made my
stomach twist, his stride too determined to convey a casual visit. But when he
stopped before me, his features immediately softened as he looked down at me,
and it allowed my heart to quiet once more.
“Reading again?” he asked, his voice lighthearted.
I nodded, trying to give him a small smile. I had been reading a lot lately. It kept
me out of trouble.
He crouched down to my eye level and gently took my face in his hands. Their
warmth had me leaning in to them, and I couldn’t help but show him my
appreciation. I found myself admiring the beauty of his face, the treacherous candy
coating that hid the evil inside. I wanted to taste the candy for the rest of my life if
/>
it meant I never had to see the evil filling within again. Darren regarded me closely,
his eyes peering deep into mine, and I wondered what it was he was looking for.
“I want you to train with Scott today,” he said.
I furrowed my brows. He hadn’t had me train with Scott since we left the island.
“When?” I asked. Never why. I never asked why.
“Now.”
“Okay,” I said with a nod and closed my book.
Darren stood to allow me room to rise, and I followed him out of the library with
Camaro, Clive, and Owen. I quickly changed into some workout clothes in my room
and met Scott in the gym. Darren was not present. Scott stood in the middle of the
cage with a focus mitt on each hand. He looked just as determined as Darren had
been.
Making sure I was well stretched before I started, I sat on the floor in a full split
while I wrapped my hands and put on my gloves. I kept my eyes on Scott as he
paced the cage like a tiger, waiting for his chance to strike. It didn’t even faze me.
When I was ready a few minutes later, I stepped into the cage feeling absolutely
nothing. I was a robot who followed commands, and if Darren wanted me to train
with Scott, then I would train with Scott.
Scott gave me a list of complex strike combinations, and I already had them
configured in my head. I was able to deliver everything he asked for, putting all my
focus and energy into each strike, but it wasn’t for me. It was for him. And for
Darren. I was on autopilot, my muscle memory capable of repeating hundreds of
combinations without even thinking about them. Scott didn’t stop at striking. He
tested the height and speed of my kicks, my chokeholds and takedowns, even my
flips and handsprings.
But even though I successfully did everything he asked, he did not seem
satisfied. He seemed pissed off, actually.
“Where the fuck are you right now?” he asked, his voice rough and angry.
I jerked my head back in confusion, sweat trickling down the side of my face as
my heart continued to beat out of my chest. “Excuse me?”
“Your head. Where’s your head at? Your body might be here, but your head sure
as hell ain’t.”
I couldn’t help but raise my eyebrows as I focused on calming my breathing. “I
don’t understand. I did everything you asked,” I said.