Lily relaxed. This was the lovely thing about Jamie – she could totally be herself with him. She knew she could talk about anything and he wouldn’t judge. He would always have her back. She filled him in on the work situation, throwing in a few peppy anecdotes to make him laugh.
‘Ewwwww!’ he said, letting out a loud belly laugh. ‘Stop it about all the hairy backs and stuff. It’s gross!’
‘I don’t really mind the hairy ones,’ Lily said, feeling disloyal to some of her lovely clients. ‘It’s more the spa itself… it’s just so unfriendly and not… me, I guess. Even though I’ve been there for years. Ever since the new management took over a few years back, I haven’t really enjoyed it…’ Her voice trailed away.
Jamie regarded her. ‘So what do you think then? Do you need to change jobs?’ He ordered some more prosecco, even though they weren’t ready for it yet.
Lily stared at him. He really did have the most gorgeous eyes. Dark, intense… she shook herself. She really had to stop gawping at him like that. It was just that Jamie was always there at just the right times. Right when she needed him. Well, she needed him now. But in a different way.
‘Erm. I don’t know. I just feel rather… unsettled at the moment.’ Lily swallowed. Was this the right moment? Should she tell Jamie how she felt? She opened her mouth to speak without any thought about what words would be the most appropriate when Jamie’s phone rang. Lily closed her mouth. Saved by the bell.
‘I have to take this,’ Jamie said apologetically. ‘Back in a sec.’ He slid off his bar stool – with some dignity, it had to be said – and headed outside.
Lily took a deep breath. Wow. She had nearly just gone headlong into that conversation without putting proper thought into it and without formulating any kind of words around her feelings. Lily took a sip of prosecco. What did she need to say? That she had been in love with him for… oh, probably years now. Or more accurately, that she had been friends with him for the longest time and that close, fun, meaningful friendship had made her develop feelings for him.
Lily faltered, feeling like a silly schoolgirl. What if Jamie didn’t feel the same way? A wave of nausea threatened to overwhelm her, but it might be the Smooth Criminal and a bucketload of Prosecco. God. She hadn’t even thought that far ahead – about how he felt! Which was really quite naive of her. She had simply thought of blurting out her feelings without a single thought about what Jamie might think and feel.
‘You OK?’ A barman interrupted her thoughts, collecting glasses as he paused at her space.
Lily turned to him and frowned. ‘Yes. No. I don’t know.’
‘Something to do with that guy who just left?’ The barman gestured over his shoulder.
‘He hasn’t gone… he just took a phone call. But yes. It’s something to do with him.’
The barman smiled at her. ‘Just tell him.’
‘W-what?’ Lily was taken aback. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Tell him how you feel.’ The barman shrugged. ‘I’ve seen this kind of thing quite a few times since I’ve been working in this bar. What have you got to lose?’
Lily picked her glass up and drained it as the barman left. What did she have to lose? Only her self-respect, her dignity and the friendship she had with Jamie. Lily swallowed. She hadn’t even thought about that! What if saying how she felt ruined the friendship? Jamie might not feel the same and he might feel awkward… or he might feel the same and they might give it a try and then it might not work and then they wouldn’t be able to have their late night chats and all their flirty text messages. That barman had clearly watched too many romcoms.
But at the same time, even though she had a lot to lose, didn’t she also have a lot to gain? If it all worked out. Feeling sick to her stomach, Lily decided she had to go for it. She was going to channel the overly romantic barman and say something.
‘Sorry about that,’ Jamie slid back onto his bar stool. He raked his hand through his hair and picked up his glass of prosecco.
‘Work?’
Jamie looked edgy for a moment. ‘Er, no. Not work. But nothing to worry about.’ He brightened and checked his watch. ‘So where were we? We’ve talked about your work and we know you need to probably leave at some point. Am I right?’
Lily sighed. ‘I guess you’re right, yes. I probably need to leave at some point.’ The thought of leaving her job and starting somewhere new was making her stomach feel crampy, but Lily did know that was probably where she was headed.
‘Tune!’ Jamie said as a disco track came on and he started chair dancing. ‘So… what about boys?’ he asked cheerfully.
‘Boys?’ Lily couldn’t help breaking into a grin.
‘Yes, boys.’ Jamie stopped dancing and laughed. ‘Well, men, I guess. What’s happening on that front?’
Lily chewed her lip, feeling her stomach fizz and bubble like the prosecco in her glass. ‘Ummm. Not much, really.’
‘Why the devil not?’ Jamie demanded, removing his jacket and throwing it onto the chair next to him. ‘You’re gorgeous and sexy and you must have boys… and men flocking round you.’
Lily couldn’t help her heart racing slightly at Jamie’s words. Gorgeous and sexy? Is that what he thought of her? She had no idea he thought of her that way. Maybe she should tell him how she felt after all. Yes! She was going to do it.
Say it, woman, she told herself sternly. Say it!
‘Well?’ Jamie leant in and put his hand over hers. ‘I’d love to see you happy…’
‘Would you?’ Lily felt quite sick. Maybe she’d had too much prosecco.
‘Of course,’ Jamie said warmly, still clasping her hand.
Lily decided it was now or never. ‘Right. So the thing is… we’ve been friends for a long time, haven’t we?’
‘Years,’ Jamie replied cheerfully, giving her hand a lovely squeeze.
‘But recently, I’ve started to think of you as…’ Lily faltered.
‘As what?’ Jamie removed his hand from hers and held it up in the air. ‘This place is playing some wicked music! I’m going to start wishing I’d put my dancing shoes on in a minute.’
Lily gulped down some more prosecco. God, this wasn’t going how she’d hoped it would.
Jamie stopped jigging about in his seat and gave Lily his full attention again. ‘Sorry, Red. Very sorry. I’m listening. You were talking about our friendship. And about thinking of… something. Not sure what.’
‘I’ve started to think of you as something other than a friend,’ Lily blurted out loudly. Oh dear. She was extremely drunk now. Not ideal. She plunged into her speech haplessly.
‘As more than a friend. As… a boyfriend. Well.’ She stopped, confused and cast her eyes to the floor. ‘Not a boyfriend. Because we’re not that. Girlfriend and boyfriend. But maybe… maybe I want that.’
She met Jamie’s eyes. He stared back and then his mouth fell open.
‘What did you just say?’
Lily lifted her head, taken aback at Jamie’s tone. He sounded shocked. But was he annoyed or upset? Lily wasn’t sure, but she didn’t think so.
‘I – I was saying that I think I like you,’ she replied, feeling almost shy around Jamie for the first time since they’d met. ‘That is… I’ve always liked you. I don’t mean that. I mean, I really like you. Like…’
‘I think I know what you mean,’ Jamie interrupted, nodding his head slowly. ‘Wow. I had no idea. Wow. I don’t know what to say, Red. That’s so… unexpected…’
Lily felt panic rising in her chest and she was certain she had turned as red as the vulgar scarlet blooms on the walls. Jamie didn’t feel the same way. Judging by the look on his face, he didn’t feel the same way and he felt awkward and weird about her blurting out her feelings. Sod it, sod it, sod it!
There was probably a good reason why they had never gotten together. It could just be the timing. Maybe he didn’t feel the same, or he only saw her as a friend and that was why they had always just missed their moment. Even if
Jamie had moments of wondering if it might work out between them, he had clearly pulled back now and decided it wasn’t meant to be.
Oh God. Lily wanted to curl up and die. Literally. That expression she had always heard, ‘I wanted the floor to swallow me up.’ That. Just that. Lily had the most horrible feeling crawling all over her body – shame, embarrassment and regret. Regret that she had opened her mouth and said something so stupid. Where was that bloody, idealistic barman? Nothing to lose indeed. Bastard!
Lily took a deep breath. OK. So, damage limitation now. That was what was needed here. She would just bluff it out. Blame it on the prosecco.
‘Listen.’ Lily put her glass down and tried to adopt a dismissive tone. ‘Just… just ignore what I said. I shouldn’t have said anything, and I got carried away for a moment…’
‘No, it’s OK.’ Jamie looked dazed.
‘I’m very, very drunk,’ Lily assured him firmly, her heart thumping in her chest. This was far worse than being caught with her skirt tucked into her Wednesday knickers. ‘Take no notice whatsoever. Pretend that conversation never happened. Seriously.’ She pulled a nonchalant face and shrugged for good measure, almost falling over because she was so drunk.
Jamie looked pained. ‘But I can’t. I can’t just pretend that didn’t happen, Red! You’ve… you’ve got feelings for me?’
Lily waved a hand in the air. ‘No, not exactly. Just a crush, I reckon. Nothing major and I’m sure it will pass.’ Feeling deeply uncomfortable but needing to change the subject, she started to dance about in her chair. ‘You’re so right about the tunes in here, J! Banging. Wicked!’
Jamie put his glass down clumsily on the bar. ‘But this… this changes… bloody hell, Red. I can’t believe you’ve chosen now to – bloody hell!’ He shook his head and turned away from her as if he needed to collect his thoughts.
‘It never happened!’ Lily reminded him gaily, starting to feel rather desperate. Why was he acting so weird? She took her phone out and pretended to look at it. Firing off a quick, agonised text to Imogen, Lily put her phone away and turned back to Jamie. Turning back to her, he looked pale. He kept running his hand through his hair over and over again. If he carried on like that, he’d suffer from premature baldness and start looking like his dad. Who, to be fair, was actually very handsome, for an older dude.
‘J, it’s nothing to worry about. Honestly. Just forget it,’ Lily added earnestly.
‘How can I forget it?’ Jamie asked, sounding upset. ‘It’s… if I’d had the first idea that you even…’
Lily frowned, then squinted past Jamie’s head. Hang on. Was that…? No, it couldn’t be. Why on earth would she be here now?
‘Is that… Ivy over there?’ she asked Jamie, puzzled. ‘She didn’t say anything about coming out tonight. I thought she was staying in.’ She waved at her sister for a few seconds until Ivy noticed her. Waving back brightly, she headed their way.
Jamie appeared to wince. ‘Ivy. Yes. OK. Brilliant. Oh man.’ He visibly pulled himself together by straightening his shirt, flicking his hair one last time and rubbing his hands up and down his trousers. ‘Yes, Ivy is meant to be here tonight. That was my phone call earlier actually…’ He turned to Ivy as she arrived beside him. ‘Hey.’
‘Hey.’ Ivy leant in and kissed Jamie’s cheek before hugging Lily. ‘Well, this place is unusual, isn’t it? Funky.’
Lily stared at Ivy fuzzily. Then at Jamie. Her brow furrowed. What had Jamie just said? That Ivy was his phone call earlier? What on earth was going on? And since when did Ivy use words like ‘funky’?
Jamie was doing this weird thing with his mouth, as though he was biting his lips and clenching his jaw at the same time. ‘So… erm… here’s the thing…’
‘Shall I say it?’ Ivy cut in. She turned to Lily. ‘You know I said I was seeing someone?’ She turned back to Jamie coyly. ‘Well…’
Lily felt her stomach plummet to the floor like one of those rides at Alton Towers. Except it didn’t stop when it got to the bottom. Instead, it threatened to shoot right through to the floor. Lily wondered vaguely when she had lost control of her faculties. Surely she was too young?
‘It’s Jamie,’ Ivy announced, unnecessarily.
Jamie pulled a sheepish face at Lily and slid his arm around Ivy’s shoulders.
Lily swallowed. Her prosecco fizzed in her throat. No way. Jamie and Ivy. Ivy and Jamie. The guy she was in love with and her sister. Together as a couple.
‘Say something, Lil!’ Ivy said, snuggling into Jamie. ‘We didn’t want to say anything until we were sure, but it’s been… how long has it been, J?’
Jamie shuffled uncomfortably on his bar stool and fiddled with his collar as though he was hot.
Lily was beginning to feel extremely sick. So Ivy called him ‘J’ as well now, did she?
‘Er… four months?’ Jamie offered.
‘Four and a half actually,’ Ivy corrected, but gently.
Lily knew she should say something. She had no idea what she was going to say, but she opened her mouth anyway. Instead of words, an exceptionally long, loud burp came out.
‘Lily!’ Ivy giggled.
Jamie grinned then stopped suddenly.
Lily didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The only thing that could top that would be to fart as well. If that happened, Lily would force the ground to swallow her up because she would be so mortified she wouldn’t even be able to function. She took a deep breath. She felt like such an idiot. Surely only a total wally could have missed this going on right under their nose.
For four and a half months, neither of them had said anything. All those texts and chats and drinks and lunches and late night calls with Jamie – which now felt inappropriate – and he hadn’t said a single word. Not one. About seeing someone, about being in a relationship. Let alone that he was dating her sister, for God’s sake! Lily felt betrayed and there was part of her that hated Jamie for hiding such a huge secret. Especially after her foolish confession.
And what about Ivy? Lily seethed, absurdly upset. All those times she could have said something and she said nothing. Only recently had she finally admitted to being with someone and all the time, the whole time – and behind her back even if they hadn’t meant it – they had been seeing each other and talking intimately and kissing and having sex and…
Lily needed to get out of the bar. She was pretty sure she was going to be sick and then farting would be the least of her worries. Her Smooth Criminal was about to make a reappearance in front of two people Lily couldn’t bear to look stupid in front of. More stupid, that is.
‘I wasn’t sure if you’d approve of Jamie and I being together,’ Ivy was saying, raising her voice to be heard above the music. ‘Seeing as you’re such good friends and you always said he was such a tart! But we thought the time was right to tell you. Didn’t we?’
Jamie nodded, not meeting Lily’s eyes. ‘Yes. Yes, we did.’
Knowing she needed to say something, Lily dug deep. This was her sister and her good friend. It was horrible and it was shit, but there was nothing she could do about it. She would look like a total bitch if she didn’t say something wonderful.
‘I’m… so happy for you,’ she said, fighting the urge to cry. ‘So happy for you. Really.’
‘Oh, that’s lovely of you.’ Ivy let go of Jamie and hugged Lily again. ‘I’ve been so worried about telling you. With you and J being such good friends and all that.’
‘Yes. Yes, we are.’ Lily pulled back and plastered a watery smile on her face. ‘OK, listen. I’m going to have to go now. Love you and leave you and all that.’
‘Oh no!’ Ivy looked deeply disappointed. ‘Must you?’
‘Yes, I’m so sorry. I don’t feel that great.’ Lily swiftly gathered up her things. She couldn’t even look at Jamie. Ridiculously, she felt more betrayed by him than she did Ivy, although she wasn’t sure why. Maybe because he had been texting her at midnight as though he couldn’t stop thinking about her when he was
actually in a serious relationship with her sister.
Jamie got off his bar stool. ‘Are you – shall I walk you out?’
‘Gosh no, don’t be silly.’ Lily gave him another brief hug that felt unbearable and kissed Ivy’s cheek. ‘Have fun, you two and I’m sure I’ll speak to both of you tomorrow. Bye!’
Pushing her way through the crowds of people dancing and drinking, Lily moved as quickly as she could. Once outside, she gulped the cold night air into her lungs and took a moment. It was no good. She couldn’t just breeze this one out the way she usually did. Jamie and Ivy were a couple. And they were going to be amazing together and then they were probably going to get married on a perfect, sunny day in a barn with macarons for wedding favours and a cake adorned with fresh, summer blooms. Then they would have gorgeous babies – twins, one of each – dressed in Baby Boden outfits as they were wheeled around in their Silver Cross Pram.
All of that was really great because they both deserved to be happy. Lily wasn’t the sort of person to hope it would rain on their wedding day or that their perfect twins wouldn’t sleep properly for at least two years, but basically it was pretty much the most shit thing in the world right now. And it really, really hurt.
Bursting into tears, Lily leant over and heaved prosecco and heartache all over the pavement.
Chapter Three
Two Days Later
‘That literally sounds like the most shit night ever,’ Imogen said, her voice sounding tinny. Presumably it was from being up a mountain in France. ‘I don’t blame you for throwing up at the end of it. Nauseating, the whole thing.’
‘Tell me about it,’ Lily said, cradling her phone into her neck as she pulled the sleeves of her jumper over her hands. She was sitting shivering in the pretty back garden of her mum’s house in Kent, having been invited over for Sunday lunch for her mum’s birthday. It was a gloomy autumnal day and the heavy atmospheric weather suited her mood perfectly.
‘So, what are you going to do?’ Imogen asked, shifting into practical mode.
Christmas in Chamonix Page 3