She nodded and watched them as Elodie forced what looked like an espresso martini with a festive crumb around the rim – gingerbread maybe? – on him and helped herself to a winter spiced pear cocktail. Elodie glanced over at Lily then leant into Luc and whispered something in his ear. She giggled prettily and Luc laughed and shook his head.
Were they laughing at her? Lily suddenly felt incredibly tired and rather embarrassed. Maybe Luc wasn’t the great guy she thought he was. Maybe he was under Elodie’s spell far more than she had imagined. In fact, Lily wasn’t sure she was attracted to Luc after all.
‘Do you wanna split?’ Imogen said. ‘Celine said we can duck out if you’ve had enough.’
‘Yes please,’ Lily said gratefully. ‘I feel as though I’ve had the stuffing completely knocked out of me for some reason.’
‘Totes understand,’ Imogen said, tucking her arm though Lily’s the way Elodie had with Luc. ‘Let’s go back to our room. Netflix and chill.’
‘What? That means something else, you silly woman.’
‘It’s OK,’ Imogen told her comfortably. ‘We don’t have Netflix.’
‘Phew,’ Lily said. Luc gave her a lovely smile as they left the reception area and Lily managed a small one in return, perplexed. The smile had seemed genuine, but hadn’t he and Elodie been sneering at her just now? Lily wasn’t sure if she could trust Luc at all now.
Chapter Thirteen
A few days later, Lily was sitting in a café in central Chamonix in the main square, drinking a spectacular hot chocolate that made her yearn for a Terry’s chocolate orange. It was the kind of hot chocolate that came in a big glass mug filled with melted chocolate that was laced with orange liqueur. It was topped with cream, mini marshmallows and a flake. There were also mini gingerbread men around the base of the mug. It had cost an arm and a leg, but it was worth it. It was like Christmassy heaven in a cup.
Sitting in front of her was the card Luc had given her for the hypnotherapist. She still hadn’t made the call and she hadn’t been anywhere near a mountain. She was looking out onto a Christmas market with lots of little wooden huts strung with fairy lights, selling Christmas decorations, festive drinks, wooden ornaments, cookies and much more. Lily loved markets like this. Such a lovely, busy atmosphere and it all looked so festive.
‘Lily?’
Lily looked up to find Luc standing in front of her. He was wearing his red ski instructor’s jacket and had clearly just come off the slopes. Lily couldn’t help thinking about the way he and Elodie were laughing at her the other night and she stiffened slightly.
‘Hey. Good lesson?’
‘Great lesson.’ Luc gestured to the seat opposite. ‘May I?’
Lily nodded and watched as he ordered himself a coffee after checking if she wanted another hot chocolate.
‘God, no thanks. Delicious, but calorific, I should imagine.’
Luc pointed to the card in her hand. ‘Do you have an appointment?’
Lily bit her lip. ‘Not yet.’
Luc leant forward, putting his tanned hands on the table. ‘Listen. What happened to you on that slope must have been terrifying. And it’s totally understandable. But if you want to overcome this, I truly believe hypnotherapy will help you.’
‘I’ve totally lost my nerve,’ Lily confessed, twisting her hands in front of her. ‘I want to conquer this, but I don’t know if I can bring myself to confront it, you know?’
Luc sipped his coffee. ‘Yes, of course. But the hypnotherapy will calm you down and prepare you. Why don’t you phone now? What do you have to lose?’
Lily swallowed, feeling her hot chocolate churning in her stomach. What did she have to lose? Maybe she’d have the hypno and she wouldn’t feel any different, but at least she would have tried.
‘And I will teach you to ski,’ Luc told her. ‘I will arrange for you to have lessons with me once I have completed my ones for the hotel.’
Lily stared at him. Why was he being so nice to her? Especially if he was seeing Elodie? But if anyone was going to teach her to ski, Lily knew she would choose Luc.
‘OK.’ She made a decision. ‘I’m calling the hypnotherapist now.’ She took out her phone and made the call. Within seconds, she was speaking to a kindly-sounding lady who spoke excellent English. Her name was Bernadette.
‘I have two appointments free tomorrow, and…’ There was a pause. ‘I actually have a cancellation today. But it’s in ten minutes’ time. Could you do that?’
‘In ten minutes.’ Lily gulped. Talk about being thrown into the deep end. She met Luc’s eyes and he gave her an encouraging smile. He mouthed something to her. ‘OK. Ten minutes. I’ll see you then. No, Luc says he’ll take me there so I don’t need the address.’
Lily ended the call and realised her hands were shaking. ‘God, what’s wrong with me? It’s only hypnotherapy.’
‘About something you’re petrified of.’ Luc paid the bill and led the way out of the cafe.
‘This market is so pretty, isn’t it?’ Lily commented as they strolled through the square. ‘So Christmassy…’
Luc shrugged. ‘I suppose.’
Lily could have kicked herself. ‘Sorry, I forgot you hate Christmas.’
‘That’s ok. It’s not your fault.’ Luc gave her a brief smile.
‘Maybe one day you’ll tell me why,’ Lily said daringly.
Luc glanced at her, seeming surprised. ‘Maybe,’ he replied.
Lily didn’t know why she’d even said that to Luc. They were hardly close. She really didn’t even know him. She was sure she was the last person he would confide in. She walked alongside him, pleased to be in normal boots rather than ski boots. Luc clonked along beside her, but somehow seemed to make the motion natural rather than awkward. He led her through some narrow lanes and across a bridge and then, suddenly, they were there.
‘Here.’ He rang the doorbell. There was a small pause and then a petite elderly lady with short coiffed hair and a neat outfit of tailored trousers and a thin jumper opened the door. She had dark eyes, like juicy currants, and she looked kind.
‘Luc.’ She held her powdered cheek out to him and he kissed it, then kissed the other. ‘And this is Lily,’ he said, standing aside politely.
Not sure if she should kiss or shake hands, Lily was glad when Bernadette leant over and kissed both cheeks.
‘Lovely to meet you,’ Bernadette said. ‘Come inside. Luc, will you wait?’
‘Oh, you don’t need to do that…’ Lily started.
‘I won’t wait, actually,’ Luc replied, checking his watch.
Lily felt disappointed and berated herself silently. Why on earth would he wait? An initial session lasted for two hours.
‘I’ll get changed, sort some work out at the hotel and come back,’ Luc said.
Lily was about to protest, but then she realised she didn’t have a clue how to get back to the hotel. She hadn’t been paying any attention as they were walking to Bernadette’s house, so she’d have a nightmare finding her way alone.
Yes, that’s why I want him to come back and collect me, Lily told herself wryly, not sure she believed her own thoughts at this point. Nonetheless, she was going with it.
‘Bon.’ Bernadette gave Luc an affectionate smile and showed him out. ‘Come this way, Lily.’ Bernadette led the way through a cottage-style property with cute little windows and uneven floors. They passed through a sitting room, a large kitchen and out into a sunny dining area at the back. Each room was decorated with pretty Christmas lights and dark green garlands and in the dining area there was a lovely real fir tree with green, white and red decorations on every branch.
‘It’s such a pretty house,’ Lily commented, taking a seat on the squashy grey couch Bernadette had offered her. There was a little table nearby with water in a carafe, glasses and a box of tissues. Two ginger cats were curled up under a dresser in a basket. They were so intertwined that it was impossible to see where one head began and where the other one’s tail en
ded. There was a fire burning in the hearth behind Bernadette’s chair and it danced and roared gently in the background, the logs letting out the odd hiss as they moved.
‘Thank you. I’ve lived here all my life, believe it or not.’ Bernadette settled herself in a nearby armchair. ‘I hope the cats don’t bother you?’
‘I love cats. It’s so Christmassy in here,’ Lily said, starting to feel apprehensive about the hypnotherapy. It felt very real now and she wasn’t sure she was going to like it. ‘Luc hates Christmas,’ she blurted out, even though she wasn’t sure why she had brought him up.
‘Yes, he does,’ Bernadette agreed. She regarded Lily with interest, her eyes lighting up. ‘How well do you know Luc?’
‘Oh, not at all,’ Lily said, tugging a cushion onto her lap and pleating the folds absent-mindedly. ‘I’ve only just met him. He mentioned it the other day when he was teaching me to ski and I… was intrigued, I guess. I love Christmas. And I’ve never met someone so violently opposed to it.’ Lily glanced out the window. ‘It must be tough for him here with Christmas around every corner.’
Bernadette nodded slowly. ‘I see. Well. Luc has his reasons when it comes to Christmas and maybe he’ll tell you about them when he gets to know you better.’ She smiled at Lily. ‘Let’s get to your fear of heights and see if we can understand what the issues are. And then I can see if I can help you.’
‘Sounds good.’ Lily fidgeted. She felt uncomfortable and she couldn’t put her finger on why. She felt exposed, but deep down, she knew that this was probably going to help her.
‘So, tell me about skiing with Luc the other day,’ Bernadette started writing on a notepad. ‘What did you feel? What memories did it bring up?’
Lily took a deep breath. ‘I felt petrified. I thought I was going to die. I felt panicked because… because I think I felt as though I might not be able to do it.’
‘Why?’
‘Because… because… I thought I wasn’t going to be any good at it, perhaps?’ Lily met Bernadette’s kind eyes and chewed her lip. ‘Because my fear of the height, being that high up, I just fell apart.’
‘What memories came to mind when you were at the top of the mountain?’ Bernadette asked, her pen poised over her notepad.
Lily started to feel panicked again. She felt the fear and dread rising inside her the way it had at the top of the mountain and, once again, she could hear her dad’s voice playing inside her head.
‘Why can’t you do that? Everyone else can do it. What are you scared of? Why are you being a sissy? You’re such a BABY…’
Lily felt tears choking in her throat.
‘Talk to me,’ Bernadette said gently. ‘If you can.’
Lily hesitated, then began to relay the voice to Bernadette the way she could hear it in her head. She talked about being up high with her dad and about the way he had treated her. How it had affected her. What it had made her feel. There was something about Bernadette’s sympathetic eyes and compassionate nature that made her easy to confide in.
Bernadette put her notepad down. ‘Aah. So this makes sense now.’
‘And then I had this awful fall.’ Lily touched the bump on her head as she talked about careering down the blue run and crashing into the ski shack. ‘I blacked out, but it was so painful. And I was aching and hurting for days afterwards.’
‘That must have been so frightening for you.’ Bernadette shook her head. ‘I can’t imagine how terrifying. You’re very brave even talking about it now. You’ve been through some serious trauma. How do you feel when talking about your dad?’
‘I hate talking about him.’ Lily felt her stomach tighten.
Bernadette said nothing. She waited.
Lily swallowed. Her mouth felt dry again, the way it had at the top of the mountain with Luc. ‘It’s… he was… he was a bully,’ she stated finally. ‘To me and to my mum. Not so much to my sister, for some reason. But he used to pick on me constantly.’
‘Is he still in your life?’
‘No.’ Lily shook her head. ‘He left when I was ten. He left us with absolutely nothing to go start a new life with his mistress, who became his third wife. He really hurt my mum. He used to hit her and I couldn’t do a thing about it.’
Bernadette’s face softened. ‘That must have been very hard for you. Especially as a child.’
Lily shrugged. ‘It was horrible for a while. We had no money and my dad really messed things up for us.’ She stopped, not sure she wanted to go into more details. She touched her face. It was wet from tears she hadn’t even been aware she’d been shedding. ‘My mum is fine now. She’s married to Dave, who is very kind and sweet and he adores her. And she adores him. They’re very happy.’
‘That’s good. I’m so glad she has met a lovely man and has a solid, caring relationship. But you have been very damaged by this.’ Bernadette put her head on one side thoughtfully. ‘And you probably don’t think about him that much if you can help it, but up that mountain, all of those feelings came rushing back. The bullying, the pain of how he treated your mum. Briefly, you became a child again – in pain, terrified. I think this is all tied up in your fear of heights.’
Lily stared at Bernadette. That made so much sense. Why hadn’t she seen that? Why hadn’t she realised that it wasn’t so much the heights, it was the bullying that had come with it, that had triggered her fear in the first place?
‘Yes. Yes, I think that’s it. I haven’t been up anywhere high since that incident. Not until now.’
‘I’m not surprised.’ Bernadette asked a few more questions, then set her notepad aside. ‘OK, I think I have the full picture now. Or almost. And I think I know how we need to deal with the fear of heights and its associations. Are you ready for us to find some appropriate mantras and feelings for your hypnotherapy?’
‘I think so.’ Lily let out a slow breath. She felt better. Lighter. As though something heavy had lifted off of her shoulders. She still felt pain inside, but it didn’t feel as burdensome.
Bernadette ran through a series of sentences and feelings, all of which were positive, about heights and about skiing. About Lily feeling in control, doing everything at her own pace, and knowing that nothing bad was going to happen to her. She was safe.
‘I’m going to play some soothing music,’ Bernadette said, turning a CD player on.
It reminded Lily of the music she often played during her massages and she instantly relaxed.
‘And I’m going to talk you through the hypnotherapy. Don’t worry if you don’t feel as though you are “going under”, I think you would say in English. All you need to do is relax and let me talk to your subconscious.’ Bernadette carried on speaking, her voice sounding mesmerizing and absorbing.
Lily suddenly felt extremely tired. It was as though the past few weeks had caught up with her and washed over her like a heavy, crashing wave. Jamie. Jamie and Ivy. Chamonix. Heights, skiing, her dad. The accident. She could hear Bernadette’s voice in the background, almost as though she was far away.
Lily felt as though she’d gone into a deep sleep. Her arms felt heavy and she was vaguely aware of Bernadette’s voice in the background, telling her to raise her hand or her fingers. Something like that. Lily was certain she hadn’t done that; her hands and arms had remained by her side on the sofa – dull, heavy and immoveable. There were no other sounds in the room other than Bernadette’s voice and the soft lullaby of the music. Or was that a crackle from the fire? Lily wasn’t sure.
‘And three, you’re feeling more alert,’ Bernadette was saying. ‘Your eyes are still closed, but you’re aware of the sounds in the room and of my voice. Two, you can feel the sofa underneath your legs and you are opening your eyes…’
Lily opened her eyes and frowned. She felt supremely relaxed but alert at the same time, but she was also confused.
‘And one, you’re fully in the room, feeling calm and confident and ready to carry on with your day.’
Lily pushed her hair out of her face.
‘But that only felt like…’
‘A few minutes?’ Bernadette smiled. ‘I know. You were under very deeply. You lifted one arm and wriggled the fingers on your other hand when I asked you to. Did you feel that?’
Lily shook her head. ‘I didn’t. Not at all.’ She felt sceptical, but deep down, she knew something had just happened to her. She trusted Bernadette and Lily felt far better than she had when she had arrived. Calm, confident, secure. She thought about skiing and didn’t feel anything much. Not excitement, but also not fear. She felt calm.
‘Do you remember me reciting the phrases we agreed on?’ Bernadette said, gesturing for Lily to drink some water.
‘I don’t remember a single thing,’ Lily said, feeling rather strange about that. ‘I remember the chat before it, about my dad and the heights but after you put that music on… not much at all.’
‘That’s very normal,’ Bernadette explained, getting to her feet. ‘And you did very well. I would say that you would need a few more sessions for the heights and maybe, if you want to, to talk about your dad, but it’s entirely up to you.’
Lily wasn’t sure what she wanted to do. She stood up and her legs felt a little wobbly. Not the way they had at the top of the mountain, but they were still quite jelly-like.
‘How much do I owe you?’ she said, following Bernadette through the house.
‘Nothing,’ Bernadette told her with a smile. ‘That was a favour for Luc. He looks after me in many ways because I am a friend of the family.’
Lily was taken aback. ‘Oh no, I couldn’t possibly let him… you…’
‘Yes, you can,’ Bernadette told her, giving her a sweet smile. ‘We call it an “energetic exchange” in this business. Luc and his family are loyal to me and I am loyal to them.’
Lily wasn’t sure what to say. ‘I’m paying for any other sessions I have,’ she insisted as Bernadette opened the front door. A gust of chilly air blew in, along with a few snowflakes.
‘That is very acceptable to me,’ Bernadette said, letting out a chuckle. ‘It is only the first session that is free.’
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