“I’ve been here every night since you died.”
“I…” he wanted to say how he didn’t die, to feed the same line to her that he’d fed to Dr. Captain. But she didn’t deserve it, and she knew so much already.
So he didn’t.
He looked at his grave too. How neatly it had been set normal. And then, how the headstone itself was unsullied. No graffiti. Beside the headstone, there was a bucket. Inside the bucket was a sponge.
“You looked after me, even when I was dead.”
“Somebody had to.”
Eva backed away, slid her hands down his arms, and held his hands, his shaking hands, and rubbed her thumbs along his scars.
“Do you need your pills?” she asked.
“I don’t even have them. I forgot about that,” he said. “And…I want to feel this.”
Without planning the movement, they turned to the headstone, Cole’s headstone, but she kept a firm hold on his hand. Over time, Cole’s body began to settle, just with her touch, and a bit of breathing work.
“You owe me, you know,” she said.
“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry that I was gone so long. I just…woke up when I woke up.”
“No, I mean for filling in the mess you left behind,” she laughed. “I had never dug, or un-dug, a grave before.”
“You did this?” Not Choch. Eva. He looked at the grave all over again. She hadn’t just shovelled dirt back into the hole, she’d made sure it had been done perfectly, like he was down there still, like he deserved that sort of care. “Ekosani.”
“I didn’t want anybody getting any ideas. Figured if they killed you, it would be good for us if they thought you were still dead, right?”
“Us,” he repeated. Out of all that, that’s all he heard. Us.
She just nodded, tugged at his hand, and they walked through the cemetery to the gate. They stopped where the path forked off in two directions. One of them went to Ashley’s trailer, the other to where, eventually, Cole knew they would need to go: the clinic, the facility. Us. Him. Eva. Brady. And, as though Eva knew what Cole was thinking, she repeated that same word again. As though that was the only word she had said. The only word that mattered.
“Us.”
That word carried weight. That word said so much more than just what Cole had thought it had said. Not that they were in this together, but they should have always been in this together.
But they were now. He was back.
“Let’s do this.”
14
UNSAID
“CAN I JUST POINT OUT,” Eva said, “that for the very dramatic ‘Let’s do this’ comment, I can’t help but notice that we’re not actually going to Ashley’s trailer at the moment.”
It was a valid and obvious observation. Cole had been very gungho earlier, and, standing together at that fork in the path, he’d told Eva where Brady was. A short walk from the cemetery. Maybe a minute, two at the most. In addition, he’d told Eva how long Brady would have been waiting for him to come back at this point, and without cell service, Brady was completely in the dark.
“I have two perfectly good answers for that,” Cole said, but then didn’t answer because, suddenly, he felt like he was seven again, and they’d just found out that they liked each other. It had changed their relationship. It was new, and then it was a point of stress, and then it was weird and exciting and confusing, and now it was new again. How could it not feel that way, after coming back to life?
“You know, when you die,” Cole said, not actually providing either of the answers he’d mentioned. “I haven’t actually thought about this yet, but when you die, and then come back to life, you realize some of the things that you took for granted, or the things that you never did or said that you wish…” He trailed off because he felt stupid.
“That you wish…” Eva prompted him to continue, but it was too late. Cole didn’t know how to say what he needed to and figuring it out would have taken all night.
“Never mind,” Cole said. “What I was saying was, first, I’m not sure when I’ll get a chance to see my grandmother and auntie again, so I wanted to see them. Not see them see them, but just, I guess, even just see them through the window. Something.”
“I did notice that we were headed in that direction.”
“With what we’re going to do, if anything happens to me again, I want to see them,” he said. “Even if they can’t see me.”
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” she said. “It’s not that far.”
They were still holding hands, walking out in the open, as though emboldened by each other. Mihko be damned. She swung his hand by swinging hers for a few steps.
“I’m not sure I’ll be able to come back to life a second time, that’s all. You know, if—”
“Cole.” She stopped, and it made him stop. She made him face her by pulling at his arm. She didn’t let go of his hand, but put her other hand against his cheek, and then slapped it lightly, and, afterwards, had a difficult time hiding a smile.
“What?” He smiled at her smile.
She got serious quick. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”
“Shouldn’t I be the one saying that to you?”
She shook her head. “I already know you won’t.”
There was a moment, then. A second. Less. Cole used to play this game with his watch, which also had a stopwatch. He’d try to see how fast he could stop the timer after starting it. The fastest he’d been able to do it was in .07 seconds. Start, stop. That’s how fast this moment felt, a moment where, standing together, alone underneath the clear sky, it felt as though they might kiss. But the moment passed because Eva started walking and dragged him along with her.
“This is a two-way street, Cole.” She looked back at him, and he caught up to her. “Somebody has to look out for you, too, you know.”
“I know,” he said.
“Now,” she said after they started, once more, walking side by side, “you said you had two perfectly good answers. What’s the second answer?”
That I wanted to hold your hand for longer, he thought to himself. For as long as possible. He imagined saying it to her. Imagined another moment where, after saying it, they stopped and stood together, just like they had been moments earlier, and didn’t say anything, but rather leaned in and kissed. And only after kissing would he tell her what he’d been trying to say earlier, only now, he’d say it perfectly. Romance-movie perfect. When I opened my eyes, after being dead, I thought about all the things I didn’t do, when I was alive. The things you think about, when you’re on your death bed, like that girl you let slip away. I guess what I’m trying to say is, when I opened my eyes, the only thing I wanted to see was you.
“Cole.”
“Huh?”
“Where were you just now? You totally zoned out.”
“Oh, sorry. Just…” No. Now it would just be weird. The moment hadn’t circled back around and reintroduced itself. “I started thinking about, like, Mihko stuff. Community-saving activities. That’s, you know, so important right now. Sorry, didn’t mean to strand you in reality.”
“That’s okay.” She didn’t sound convinced and was giving him side-eye. “Anyway, the second answer?”
“Right, yeah,” he said. “I just…” Say it, CB! Moments never pass! You make the moment! I’m sitting here eating popcorn at the edge of my seat! “…why weren’t you surprised to see me, back at the cemetery?”
“That’s why we aren’t going to Ashley’s trailer right now? I’m confused.”
“I wanted more time to ask you, that’s why.” He chuckled awkwardly. “Ashley’s trailer is so close, I guess. And some of this, Brady probably shouldn’t know, you know?”
I just rolled my eyes at you, CB. Just saying.
“So, to recap,” Eva said, “you wanted more time to ask me why I wasn’t surprised when I found out you’d come back from the dead.”
“Yes, that’s exactly it.”
“What?”
“Sound familiar? You said it to me and Brady just about every five seconds.”
“Yeah, but—” Cole stopped, and because they were still holding hands, Eva stopped right after him with a wicked smile. It was just as well. They were close to his old place, now. They couldn’t have gone too much closer, without risking his relatives seeing him. “I literally couldn’t tell you guys or else…” Careful now, CB. Foot off the gas. You’re going 160 in a 100. “…something bad would’ve happened. For real.”
“Okay, well,” she took both of his hands, and looked him dead in the eyes. “If I tell you,” she said methodically, “something bad will happen. For real.”
“Touché.”
“All I can tell you is that I knew you were coming back to life, I just didn’t know when. So when I saw you, and you were trying to act all secret identity, I was relieved, but I also thought I may as well have some fun, because at that point, you were back. So why not?”
“You knew it was me the whole time?”
She let go of his hands. He wanted to reach out and hold her hand again, but also didn’t want to seem desperate. Then, she pushed him. Two hands to the chest.
“Come on!” she said. “Do you know how Clark Kent looks exactly like Superman, and so when people can’t make the connection, it’s super unbelievable?”
Cole pulled the neck warmer over his mouth and just shrugged.
“I’ve known you your whole life, Cole. A neck warmer isn’t going to change that. Yes, I knew it was you the whole time.”
“Hmmph.”
“Look,” she took his hand again, and that was all that mattered. She could’ve said anything. “If it makes you feel any better, just because I knew you were coming back, doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you like crazy, okay?”
Nope. It actually did matter what she said. His heart started racing again. He could feel a vein pulsing in his neck. But he took a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth. Tried to do so without her noticing, even though their eyes were locked. If she noticed, she didn’t point it out.
“I missed you, too,” he said.
“Can you miss people when you’re dead? What was it like? Being dead?”
“Oh, I can’t tell you that.”
“Asshole!” Eva laughed and slapped his chest again, then turned away from him, to his parents’ house. “As far as I’m concerned, they can have you.”
Cole looked there now, too. And in the kitchen window, he could see his grandmother sitting at the table, and Auntie Joan walking over to her with two cups in her hands. Auntie Joan sat down and handed his grandmother a cup. They were talking. What were they talking about? Cole strained his ears to hear, but they were too far away. He couldn’t even hear muffled voices. But, he guessed, he didn’t need to hear them. It was good enough just to see them, and to know they were okay. Brady had had to take Elder Mariah away from the community to protect her, but with Cole dead, Auntie Joan and his grandmother were safe.
It needed to stay that way.
“They can’t know I’m alive,” he said. “I hate that they can’t know. I hate that they have to keep that pain when they don’t have to. I’m right here.”
Eva let go of his hand to put her arm around his waist, her head against his shoulder. “I’ve seen them every day since you died.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” she said. “I didn’t want them to be alone.”
“Thank you.”
“They’re okay, you know?” she assured him. “They hurt, of course, but they’re strong, too. They can hang on a few more days. They can hang on until this is all done, and then they can see you again.”
“You’re right.”
“Of course, I’m right,” she said. “Now, are you really ready to do this?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I’m ready.”
Brady had a spring jacket wrapped tightly around his body and was doing laps around the Mustang when Eva and Cole got to Ashley’s property.
“Oh, thank goodness,” he said in one expelled breath. He ran up to the pair and gave Cole a bear hug. “I thought something had gone wrong, and you couldn’t even let me know!”
“I’m okay, man,” Cole said, smothered in the embrace. “I’m alright.” He patted Brady’s back.
“Hey.” Eva peeled Brady off Cole. “I’m feeling a bit like Chewbacca at the end of The Force Awakens here, B.”
“I was getting there!” Promptly, Eva received a hug of equal force. “How’ve you been? I was so worried when I couldn’t get texts from you.”
“Thaaat’s better,” she said.
Brady let go of Eva and turned back to Cole.
“I mean,” he shook his head and yes, even shook his finger, “just because you didn’t have cell service…”
“Or a cell at all.”
“Or a cell at all.” He was revving his engine now. “Scratch that. Because there’s no cell service, you should’ve just come back quick and given me an update. You run really fast, right? I was waiting for you all night.”
“You’re right.” Cole put both his hands out, displaying his scars to Brady. “You’re totally right. Just, one thing happened after another, and…well, I thought about you. I knew you’d be worried.”
“And yet.” Brady let Cole fill in the blanks.
“And yet,” Cole repeated quietly.
“Don’t ever do that to me again, okay!” Brady put his hands on Cole’s shoulders and took a deep breath, closed his eyes, opened them. “Please. I’ve already lost you once, literally. I am not prepared to lose you again. Got it?”
“I got it, really. One hundred percent.” Cole put his hands on Brady’s forearms.
“Ahem.” Eva walked up to their arms, ducked down, and emerged between them, so she was standing directly between Brady and Cole. “We good?”
They let go of each other.
“Yeah, we’re good,” Brady said. “I’m just glad you’re okay, both of you.”
“I’m sorry,” Cole said.
“It’s okay.”
“Are we going to hug again?” Eva looked back and forth between Cole and Brady and didn’t like the look in their eyes. She was trapped in the middle.
“Eva sandwich!” Brady laughed.
They collapsed into each other, and it morphed into a three-way hug. They all laughed; a one-month journey of hell had brought them to this moment. When the dust had cleared, when they’d let go of each other, prying themselves away, they sat together on the futon in Ashley’s trailer where it was warm, and they could be inside. Cole watched while Brady and Eva got reacquainted, Brady telling Eva about his time away from the community, and Eva filling Brady in with all the news of the two weeks he’d missed.
“Does somebody want to explain the outfit, now?” Eva asked, one arm around Cole, the other waving in front of him like his clothing was a gameshow prize.
“Oh, he’s a superhero now,” Brady said. “That’s something you missed.”
“I see.” Eva stood up and took a good, long look at Cole. “I like it. It’s understated. Subtle. No bright colours, no cape. That’s been done to death.”
“Can I just say,” Cole interrupted, “the Star Wars reference, the superhero costume talk…I didn’t think I could like you more than I already did.”
“Thank you.” She bowed. “Now, I was saying: the colour scheme is great. The neck warmer is super cool…”
“Right?”
“Right,” she chuckled. “It’s all working.” She nodded with her upper lip tucked underneath her lower lip. “Now, most importantly, do you have a superhero name?”
“He does,” Brady said.
“Skull Face? Cargo Pants Guy? The Black Hood? Zombie Boy?”
“You know about…” Brady got off topic for a second.
“Yes, I know about the whole coming-back-to-life thing,” Eva said. “Now, I was in the middle of guessing superhero names. It’s actually fun.”
“The Reckoner,” Cole said rather self-consciously. He felt stupid saying it, but also wanted her to like it.
“I was guessing, Cole.”
“Sorry.”
“Not bad, though,” she said. “I mean, Cargo Pants Guy must’ve been a close second, right?”
“That was almost the one.”
“I wish I would’ve thought of that,” Brady said.
Eva plunked back down on the futon and put her arms around the boys. “So, what’ve you two been up to since coming back?”
“Well, as you might’ve guessed, I’ve been sitting around here waiting like an ass,” Brady said.
“You forgave me, remember?” Cole said.
“And you?” Eva asked Cole.
The night came flooding back, and, in particular, the fact that he’d seen Wayne. He’d been so selfishly excited to see Eva, he’d forgotten about what had happened between leaving Brady and seeing her. How to tell her? It felt harder than when he didn’t know how to tell her that he was alive. The difference was that she knew he was alive all along. She didn’t know, as far as he was aware, that Wayne was so sick.
“Cole.” Eva waved a hand in front of his face. “You’re doing it again.”
“Sorry,” he said, not making eye contact with her. Instead, he looked at the floor, at one spot on the floor, where whoever had cleaned the trailer missed a single spot of blood.
It was orange now.
“Did you see something?” Eva put her hand under his chin and lifted his head. “Cole.”
This wasn’t a moment he could let pass by. “I saw your dad.”
“What?” Eva sat down on the coffee table. They were eye to eye. “Tell me everything.”
“He…” Cole started shaking again. “He was sick, Eva. I’m sorry. He was…like Elder Mariah was. Everybody there was.”
“Pam?” Brady said.
Cole nodded. “There were, like, at least nine people there. They were all sick like before. I didn’t get to a few rooms, either. Guys…” He looked at both his friends. “…I think Mihko is making them sick. And some of them are being moved from the clinic. Probably all of them, eventually.”
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